So yesterday was a nightmare because I intended for the post about sandwiches and lunchboxes to be like, um, I don’t know…FUNNY? And sort of light and meaningless like the one I wrote about cake frosting, but I’m thinking that because it was related to work and most people hate their jobs and/or co-workers, everyone took it more seriously than intended. Or, I did a shitty writing job (to be honest, this is the most likely scenario).
Anyway, yes. It wound up hurting lunchist bigot’s feelings and that’s not what I meant to do at. all. I like lunchist bigot, actually. In fact, I actually LOVE lunchist bigot. She’s just a pain in the ass about fridge space. And she felt ridiculed by everyone when really, I intended to make light of a silly work fight that to me, was just absurd and meaningless.
I thought that was pretty clear, but I guess not. ( ie shitty writing.)
So anyway, this is my public apology to lunchist bigot.
Sorry lunchist bigot. Sorry I threatened to put boy pee on your sandwich. Sorry we said we’d get you a lunchbox (EW) for Christmas, sorry we said you needed to get laid, sorry we said we’d set you on fire. I’m a douche.
Please don’t tell everyone at the Christmas party that I was the one who gave candy underpants as the secret present.
THEY WERE NOT WORN SHUT UP!
PS: This is exactly like the time when somebody took a shadoobie in the bookdrop and I was THE ONLY ONE who thought it was funny. Everyone else was walking around all horrified and shit. Even Lynne didn’t think it was funny at first. I had to convince her. There is no sense of humor at Schmuckytown Pubic Library. It’s very serious business with the books and everything.
PSS: I can’t believe I almost forgot that today is Mister’s big snippy appointment! And on the phone this morning while I was begging my mom for some babysitting this weekend because I have tons to do and Mister will be moaning and clutching his balls for the next few days, my mom was all “make sure you give him tea and sympathy. He’s doing something Very Special (only my mother would think a vasectomy is very special). It’s nothing like going through 9 months of constipation and puking only to push a watermelon out of your cooch (TWICE!) and then nursing the little fucker off sore tits for a year afterwards, but it’s still important.” “Uh-huh. Thanks mom. That’s…great advice.” And then I got off the phone before she started in with tips and techniques for helping him with those 10-15 ejaculations to “flush out the pipes,” so to speak.
And Mister is already walking around like he’s got an elephantitis (fuck you spell check!That IS how you spell elephantitis, asshole.) of the nuts problem and his appointment isn’t until late today. I think he’s pretty smart actually. It’s always good to get your Careful Walk down just right BEFORE you’re in actual pain. You don’t want to have to work that shit out while you’re on Vicodin–just relax and enjoy, amiright?
I got him a present:
except I got him the Large size one because who wouldn’t want to be flattered at a time like this?
So anyway, everyone pray for Mister who is going under the knife for the greater good of humanity or whatever.
PSSS: Tonight is the library Christmas party. I will get back to you on the final count of ridiculous Christmas Theme Sweaters, candy cane turtle necks, and people who were shitfaced on 1/4 glass of wine. Seriously, I’m only going so I can clean up when people look at thier wine and say “I just can’t handle a whole glass by myself.” I’ll be all “pass that over here, bitch!”
- When you think about it, there are two kinds of people in this world–those who bring lonely sandwiches, and those who bring lunchboxes full of crap.
- I’m posting in the middle of the day today so try not to freak out.
- Nobody was maimed, poisoned, or killed. You should look at these pictures or whatever.
- A Dog and Pony Christmas
- Shit Without the Mess