Okay, yesterday we learned that there are THREE kinds of people in this world. Those who bring lonely sandwiches, those who bring lunchboxes full of crap, and those who take the whole thing way too seriously (or not seriously enough, depending on how you look at it).

So yesterday was a nightmare because I intended for the post about sandwiches and lunchboxes to be like, um, I don’t know…FUNNY? And sort of light and meaningless like the one I wrote about cake frosting, but I’m thinking that because it was related to work and most people hate their jobs and/or co-workers, everyone took it more seriously than intended. Or, I did a shitty writing job (to be honest, this is the most likely scenario).

Whatever.

Anyway, yes. It wound up hurting lunchist bigot’s feelings and that’s not what I meant to do at. all. I like lunchist bigot, actually. In fact, I actually LOVE lunchist bigot.  She’s just a pain in the ass about fridge space. And she felt ridiculed by everyone when really, I intended to make light of a silly work fight that to me, was just absurd and meaningless.

I thought that was pretty clear, but I guess not. ( ie shitty writing.)

So anyway, this is my public apology to lunchist bigot.

Sorry lunchist bigot.  Sorry I threatened to put boy pee on your sandwich.  Sorry we said we’d get you a lunchbox (EW) for Christmas, sorry we said you needed to get laid, sorry we said we’d set you on fire.  I’m a douche.

Please don’t tell everyone at the Christmas party that I was the one who gave candy underpants as the secret present.

THEY WERE NOT WORN SHUT UP!

PS: This is exactly like the time when somebody took a shadoobie in the bookdrop and I was THE ONLY ONE who thought it was funny. Everyone else was walking around all horrified and shit. Even Lynne didn’t think it was funny at first. I had to convince her. There is no sense of humor at Schmuckytown Pubic Library. It’s very serious business with the books and everything.

PSS: I can’t believe I almost forgot that today is Mister’s big snippy appointment! And on the phone this morning while I was begging my mom for some babysitting this weekend because I have tons to do and Mister will be moaning and clutching his balls for the next few days, my mom was all “make sure you give him tea and sympathy. He’s doing something Very Special (only my mother would think a vasectomy is very special). It’s nothing like going through 9 months of constipation and puking only to push a watermelon out of your cooch (TWICE!) and then nursing the little fucker off sore tits for a year afterwards, but it’s still important.” “Uh-huh. Thanks mom. That’s…great advice.” And then I got off the phone before she started in with tips and techniques for helping him with those 10-15 ejaculations to “flush out the pipes,” so to speak.

And Mister is already walking around like he’s got an elephantitis (fuck you spell check!That IS how you spell elephantitis, asshole.) of the nuts problem and his appointment isn’t until late today. I think he’s pretty smart actually.  It’s always good to get your Careful Walk down just right BEFORE you’re in actual pain.  You don’t want to have to work that shit out while you’re on Vicodin–just relax and enjoy, amiright?

I got him a present:

except I got him the Large size one because who wouldn’t want to be flattered at a time like this?

So anyway, everyone pray for Mister who is going under the knife for the greater good of humanity or whatever.

PSSS:  Tonight is the library Christmas party.  I will get back to you on the final count of ridiculous Christmas Theme Sweaters, candy cane turtle necks,  and people who were shitfaced on 1/4 glass of wine.  Seriously, I’m only going so I can clean up when people look at thier wine and say “I just can’t handle a whole glass by myself.”  I’ll be all “pass that over here, bitch!”

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24 comments

  1. Doesn’t _everyone_ say pubic library? We do.

    Pimp, take it from somewhere who’s been there- afta the procedure’s over and you make it home, quietly go to bed- no bounding up the stairs like I did, which turned out to be a wicked stupid stunt.

  2. But massively appreciated none-the-less…you should have seen the smiles all around when it came to attention for the first time after…

  3. Pimp’s not going to the party with you, I take it. No one would want big swollen balls at a Christmas party, would they? And the peas will feel SOOOO GOOOOOOD! And your mother cracks me the hell up.
    .-= k8’s last blog post… Happy Feet Friday =-.

  4. So, you’re saying I should not have called her the Lunchbox Nazi and suggested that you set her on fire? Huh.

    Wait. If you work in the pubic library, isn’t this your pubic apology to the Lunchbox Nazi? Or will there be a more private pubic apology, maybe at the Christmas party after a few glasses of wine?

    Anyways, please tell the Lunchbox Nazi I’m sorry and I understand she was just doing her duty and ich bin ein sandwich and all that.

    And please tell Your Pimp that I will be thinking of his balls all day today. Again.
    .-= stoogepie’s last blog post… Ninja Rape Gang =-.

  5. You let your coworkers read your blog? Tht takes balls (no pun intended)!

    Oh… and you left out the type of people who don’t bring a lunch to work because they steal other people’s lunches out of the fridge.
    .-= Natballs’s last blog post… Irrational Fears =-.

  6. Oh dear, I’m sorry too to the Lunchbox Nazi. I don’t think I said anything too bad, but I don’t like teh hurt feelings.

    Mister: you are an inspiration to all men. Be strong, be brave. You are doing god’s work.
    .-= Melissa Lion’s last blog post… Get Yer Tickets Now! =-.

  7. Oh oh the mob mentality. The smell of blood or urine soaked sandwiches just turns them into a pack of something unrecognizable.

  8. Sorry lunch box lady…….I only thought that Crissy was really upset and I just sort of, well….was in a stinky mood anyway and seein’ how I really love Crissy and don’t know you and…..well, I can be a jerk sometimes. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. We’re good, right?
    .-= Rebecca’s last blog post… Aunt Becky’s Interview =-.

  9. I thought yesterday’s post was funny too – but also funny in that, “hey, that happens where I work too” sort of way. You know, we can all relate. I personally love the time when folks get so riled up about the nastiness of the fridge that they make a big show about cleaning it out and posting lots of notes saying don’t do this again, etc. I rarely leave things in to become science experiments, so it’s funny to me.

    In the South, it’s “Lib-ary” by the way, not “libRary.” so if you’re going to misspell “public” might as well go all the way and skip the “r” in “library.”

    PS good luck to Pimp and the whole ball cutting thing. Here’s to a speedy recovery (but not too speedy as Crissy probably will enjoy the break). I hope GF and HS don’t ask for another sibling for Christmas.

  10. Yeah, I work with those hens too. They drink a few sips of wine, let out a little hand-covrered giggle and then realized they’ve partied WAAAAY to much and leave for home with shame around 8:15.

    “Good. Now someone turn up the tunes and let’s get this shithouse lit.”
    .-= Christian’s last blog post… =-.

  11. Good luck, Mister! It will SO be worth it. Now you won’t have to worry about the whole John Edwards love-child-while-my-wife-has-cancer thing. In case you ever decided to turn into a screaming douchebag and cheat on your fabulous wife.

  12. Hey Mister if you hear the ball snippy doc go “oopps” don’t worry. We all make mistakes from time to time. I’m sure they can repair any damage done. Just kidding. Things will be fine. Relax! Just think of the great meds you will score after it is over. Crissy we expect pictures, don’t forget. After all you owe it to Mister after the placenta pics. Fair is fair. Enjoy the party Crissy. Will you be attending with or without lunchbox???

  13. OH! Susan has the BEST idea. Totally time for payback for the placenta pics!! The sweater incident and the short shorts can’t be the only blackmail pics you get of Pimp. I love it!

  14. I think a lunchbox (or something like it) should be required. People shouldn’t go postal about lunch boxes. They are ummm lunch boxes. Make like an office fridge and chill.

  15. I had snips a long time ago, just a few days with the peas will probably be enough, but that ‘cleaning out the pipes’ think is important, so be sure to help him out with that, and be careful until the doctor tests things and says it’s all clear.
    .-= joeinvegas’s last blog post… Bohemian pole dancing =-.

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