So I’m involved in a fight, you guys.
It’s at work.
We have a bigot amongst us. A lunchist bigot.
Someone at the library does not like People Who Bring Lunchboxes to work and she has been very vocal about it and by vocal, I mean leaving notes on the magnetic dry erase board that’s stuck to the fridge in the staff lounge. She thinks they take up too much space.
This has been going on for years.
I find this troubling because I happen to be A Person Who Brings A Lunchbox.
It’s true. I am such an asshole, and by asshole, I mean that I am an asshole in the eyes of the lunchist bigot.
And apparently, someone else who is also A Person Who Brings A Lunchbox placed her “luggage” as the lunchist bigot calls it, on top of lunchist bigot’s sandwich this morning which prompted the lunchist bigot to write a note requesting that Lunchbox Person not put her “luggage” on her sandwich anymore. Seems reasonable, anyone would be upset by this and the Lunchbox Person was being inconsiderate, BUT it really ignited the lunchist bigot’s ire as the tone of the note was clearly one of annoyance.
And so I wrote back in an attempt to soothe the tension and suggested lunchist bigot put her sandwich inside the drawer in the fridge to protect it, and then, thinking the note was written by the sandwich smoosher, lunchist bigot replied with something snotty about sandwiches belonging in the fridge and not “luggage,” (in the past, her argument being that lunchboxes are insulated and therefore do not need refrigeration, but anyone who owns one knows the insulation is crap) and therefore she should be able to put it wherever she wants, and then I said that she should lose her lunchist attitude or else Something Unfortunate could happen to sandwiches.
Like, one could wind up in the public men’s room urinal for a couple of hours and then be put back into the fridge say, around noonish?
I don’t like to make such threats but I believe we need to fight bigotry and intolerance in all it’s insidious forms, and if innocent sandwiches have to wind up in urinals to get people’s attention, so be it.
I will fight for peace betwixt the Lonely Sandwich and the Lunchbox peoples! I shall call it The Lunchboxian People’s Front!
PS: Dun-dun-daaaaa…..
PSS: This is pretty much the biggest scandal since The Coffee Mug Incident of 2007 when someone used my coffee cup and never washed it out AND THEN BROKE IT! Boy was I MAD! There were some nasty messages left on the dry erase board that day I can tell you.
PSSS: Shenanigans and Tomfoolery are afoot!
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You need to start singing the Fergie song about Drama. Workplace drama can start about all kinds of silly things.
Wow, this happens other places too?! We had one such woman who would come in every morning, take our bags out of both full size refrigerators and leave them on the counter with nasty post it notes affixed. She felt that “contents should be unpacked into the fridge” then would bitch and moan when her things got “moved” from their original spot. This didn’t go over too well with the breast feeding mothers who stored their kids meals in the bags. Her things started getting moved directly to the garbage or augmented with interesting ingredients.
I can see the point. Lunchboxes do take up a lot of space, but what else are you gonna do? Put your name on EVERY SINGLE thing in your lunch and have it get knocked over and moved all over the fridge? That’s bullshit too! Even MORE sandwiches will fall victim to smooshing then!
I’m so excited about this development.
Ben’s last blog post… 12 Dates of Christmas
This is SO exciting!
There’s one in every workplace. And it usually ends up being about something totally different, and nothing about the lunch luggage.
Can’t wait for Part Deux!
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i’m gonna shit in a lunchbox before we hear the end of this.
i just know it.
Seriously – who just eats a sandwich for lunch?!
Sorry, I’m with the lunchist on this. The argument about the lunch boxes isn’t just that a) they’re insulated and as such are actually a portable refrigerator meaning you don’t need to put IT in the refrigerator or b) they take up way too much room but also c) god only knows where they’ve been! People put their lunchboxes on the floor, the ground outside, chairs, etc. so your germy lunchbox is in the fridge with our food. Yuck. Do you wash the outside of your lunch box? Every day? One could argue the the lunchbox people are wrong and not the sandwich person who just wants to put their little sandwich in the fridge and not have it get squashed or worse contaminated by someone’s previously set down on the bathroom floor lunchbox. Problem solved, I hear that the lunchist brought a cooler today and won’t be using the fridge at all.
do i still get to leave a steamy pile in a lunchbox??
Pimp’s last blog post… december second
Lynne- I wipe mine down inside and out before I pack it. But then I rub it on the toilet, so yeah. You’re probably right to bring a cooler.
I think lonely sandwich lady is probably just really jealous that she doesn’t have a full life like a full lunchbox. She’s trying to tell you something. Seriously. Listen to her.
But like Ben, yes. This is an exciting development. Thank God I work alone.
k8’s last blog post… Shower Thoughts
Ok, so your lunch box is clean but you realize that we work with people whose hygiene isn’t up to our standards. Remember the person who brought in a basket of soap? Remember all the little hairs on the soap? Yeah.
um, if you are concerned over the cleanliness of co-workers, wouldn’t it make MORE sense to carry said “luggage” to avoid germ infiltration?
I dare you to buy the boxless lady a lunchbox for Christmas!
Make that a triple-dog-dare!
I understand the germy part of the said lunchboxes, but it is not like the sandwich is unwrapped (unprotected) in the fridge, right?
RUMBLE AT THE LIBRARY!!!!11!!111ONE
Give her a lunchbox for christmas. And Lynne too.
Come to think of it, everything you put in the fridge is potentially filthy. You bring stuff home from the supermarket; it has been shipped all over the country; been handled by who-knows-whom.
But I can’t quite picture the lunchbox in my mind’s eye. I haven’t really seen a lunchbox since I had my James Bond “Thunderball” lunchbox in the fifth grade. (I live in NYC, where everyone goes at lunchtime to places like 21 or The Waverly Inn, so lunchbox sightings are rare.) Does Crissy have a Barbie lunchbox, or one of those black, curved-top Ralph Cramden jobs? Please post a photo.
whoa. Sandwich Lady is lucky she even has a job where she can park her fat sandwich.
M, mine is purple patent leather and it looks like a purse, except it has an insulated lining. Most people have the soft sided insulated bags.
Space was the exact reason that the facilities manager had an extra fridge put in, she still had to pull out everyone’s bags. He eventually labeled it “lunch bags only” to stop her. I could go on for pages about the kitchenette wars at that place… but….
The mini fridge where I work now can’t fit cooler bags. I have a few machine washable fabric shopping totes. I put my stuff in one and then into my insulated bag for the ride. I just pull out the tote and tuck it into the fridge. I can’t be bothered to label all my stuff, and I don’t want my yogurt container touching the disgustingness that is that common fridge with peoples yuck spilled all over inside.
I think a lunch bag, purse situation as you’ve described in comments is a reasonable addition to the refrigerator. Also sustainable.
We all know that I love sustainability.
And that I am smug.
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turn the goddamned thing into a KEGGERATOR
I’ve seen the inside of office fridges. Your food is probably safer in a lunch box than sitting among the nasty stuff that has spilled, molded, and sprouted antennae.
Dingo’s last blog post… Furby
Ok… THIS sort of thing is one of the reasons that being unemployed is nowhere near as aggravating as having a job.
I marvel at the things that people get their undies in a bunch about.
MsDarkstar’s last blog post… Something to believe in…
Dingo is right on. The box/purse acts like a lunch condom against the food left to decay by the lunchist bigots of the world. I say let Mr. add some “special sauce” to the sandwich if things escalate. Keep up the good fight!
you could maybe get some more ideas for your dry-erase board notes from here: http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/
I’ve found it very helpful in the past……
All I have to say about that is that those who bring a lunch box are saving trees and the environment and not contributing to global warming. You’re doing the right thing Crissy. You are right and better than that bigot.
Also, does that lunch box bigot know there are starving children in the world, famine, wars, people killing people over sneakers……..seriously there are bigger fish to fry. She should put her passion to something more constructive.
It also sounds like she needs to get laid. If she was getting laid more often, she wouldn’t care about her sandwich…she’d just eat it with that bathed in semen grin.
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Maybe it’s less of an issue with Smuckytown Pubic Library fridge space, but I used to work in an office where if you weren’t among the first 5 or 6 to get their suitcases into the fridge then you were screwed. I have to agree with Lunchlady on this one. If need be, take the shit out of your suitcase that needs to be refrigerated and put it into the fridge. Your apple, granola bar, crackers, fruit roll up, can of tuna, cutlery, etc. don’t need to be in the fridge.
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Christian, I know what you mean. If I don’t get my lunchbox in there, it’s just like forget it. I can stick my lunch up my ass–there’s more room.
Yes. My ass IS bigger than a refrigerator.
crissy’s last blog post… When you think about it, there are two kinds of people in this world–those who bring lonely sandwiches, and those who bring lunchboxes full of crap.
did someone say lunch up the ass? aka interorectogestion?
Martha Stewart:
[starts wrapping faster] Not right now, I just wanna focus on my turkey, [softly] right now. [the agents withdraw. She finishes and lays the turkey down on a platter] Now, we’re going to baste the turkey with lubricating gel rather than with juice – this’ll help smooth the insertion later on. We still bake at four hundred degrees for twenty minutes a pound. [leaves that turkey alone and moves further left to a turkey fresh from the oven] When it’s done we’ll get something like this. [grins] So now we’re ready to go. Looks delicious. Let’s try it out. [takes the cooked turkey, moves to a clear area onstage, sets the platter down, stands the turkey up, moves into position, and sits on the turkey. Slowly, with grunts every few seconds, she eats the turkey with her butt] Aaaaa-… Yeah, get it up there. Yeah. AAAA. Yeeaahhhh. [one final heavy grunt, and a sigh of relief, then she stands up] Phew. And that is how you eat a turkey. [grins] We’ll be right back with more. [grins, and exit music plays]
rebecca: i’m glad i’ve found another bukkake/gokkun fan!
i know space can be at a premium in office fridges, but the beauty of “luggage” is that it can be stacked and stuff like tetris bricks. when everyone takes their crap out, things still get stacked, but then also smushed / yogurt tops rip / things spill. i think the pimp is right though: just replace it with a keggerator. everyone will be full of beer AND in a better mood!
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rebecca: i’m glad i’ve found another bukkake/gokkun fan!
I’m not too sure I know what “bukkake/gokkun fan” is. All, I’m sayin’ is that I support Crissy
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I always forget to put my lunch in the fridge. Which means if its remotely spoilable then lunch isn’t much fun.
But every work has its own drama and politics. Like we got a new fridge and everyone was asked to contribute like ten quid towards it. So even though I KNEW I wouldn’t be using the fridge, I still put money in for it. Because what if i didn’t, and then one day I REALLY needed to use the fridge???
I’d be screwed, basically.
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I’m just jealous that there isn’t this much drama at my workplace. Everybody’s too passive aggressive.
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I’m very confused Pimp. You are a fan of BOTH? I though you were making this great case for gokkun just recently?
Or at least singular.
I used to wipe my ass with my lunchbox before I put it in the fridge. Then I would leave it in the fridge all week and eat lunch out.
Actually, I do that at home, too.
Anyways, all I’m saying is, bring a can of gasoline and light the Lunchbox Nazi on fire tomorrow. Then eat her sandwich.
How can anyone not know what a bukkake/gokkun fan is?
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I believe you have a Dwight Schrute like person in your office. I’m pretty sure of it.
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So, lunch boxes save money. And, they save the environment. You should write THAT on the board. You are a nature conservationist and she is killing the world.
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