I’m so wet right now

This morning I was downstairs in the kitchen getting a glass of water in preparation for a date with the sweaty lesbian (with a cold! Who rules the world or my living room or whatever?  I DO.) with Homeslice on my hip when

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING WHY AM I WET IN THE FACEICAL AREA?

The water sprayer was on and it was spraying Homeslice in the face, hitting my shoulder and arm, and spraying the counter top behind me where I had piled library book returns, two Netflix (Secret Life of Bees was too emotionally difficult to watch.  I cried in the first five minutes when her dad made her kneel in grits and was hysterical by the time the housekeeper was beaten by those assholes. I’d totally  forgotten the book, obviously), the remote controls to the tv and the stereo, the laptop, and a stack of catalogs to take to work to look at during my dinner break.

Everything. wet.

And so I shut the water off and grabbed a towel from the drawer and mopped Homeslice off who was just sort of blinking through the water in her eyes and making this huffy sound like she’s about to cry, and then I did the counter and while I was doing that, Homeslice barfed alloverthefuckingplace and so I had to go back and re-wipe what I had already done.

And then I carefully inspected the water sprayer for a rubber band or some tape or something because I’ve seen America’s Funniest Videos.  I know what’s up.  But there was nothing.  I guess the button was stuck down or something and all I can say is that Mister is lucky he wasn’t behind this incident.

His little snippy appointment is on Friday and I’d hate for someone to slip the doctor a $20 and OOPS!  “Sorry about your balls, Mister.”  That would suck.

You can’t really blame me for assuming he had something to do with this because this is exactly the kind of prank he would play on me.  Like the time he pantsed (is that how you spell it?) me in front of people, or the time he put No-Doze in my coffee, or the time he posted a picture of my placenta on the Internet.

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22 comments

  1. Homeslice is a good egg. I can’t wait for her to run away from home and come live with me because her parents DON’T UNDERSTAND HER and I’ll be the cool aunt and I’ll give her all the bubble gum she can eat. That’s what cool aunts do with runaway teens right?
    .-= Melissa Lion’s last blog post… Get Yer Tickets Now! =-.

  2. The placenta on the internet was classic. It was like my own personal diet thingy. I went to eat something juicy and deelish but before I could do it I went back to the placenta pic and nope, no sirreee Bob I wasn’t hungry anymore. That placenta killed my hunger cravings. I lost a good 5 to 10 pounds but fucking A, it’s all back. Where is that pic again???….

  3. I don’t ever want to remember what it was like starting the day without Your Majesty’s blog. Makes me happy. The same way Christmas lights get me there.

  4. Homeslice has that pre-verbal communication thing going on. A lesser baby would have just cried, but not Homeslice… she worked herself up to a nice “blorp”. (And by “nice” I mean, slimy & disgusting).

    Sorry you’re dealing with moisture and blorp… that’s no way to start off the day. At least you’ll have a package in the mail in a few days. (I’m either psychic or I’m mailing you something. ::GRIN::)

    Hope the rest of your day is decidedly less moist.
    .-= MsDarkstar’s last blog post… All messed up and nowhere to go… =-.

  5. Melissa Lion- I think now days the teenage runaways are seeking an unlocked liqour cabinet and someone who can roll good joint. Now that I think about Homeslice probably will just stay home.

  6. He took a photo of YOUR PLACENTA??? Go ahead and slip the doctor $20, you have been in labor twice, been pregnant for almost TWO YEARS, and given birth and lactated TWO times.
    .-= Rebecca’s last blog post… Re-Sale Shop =-.

  7. Where is that picture of the placenta? I’d like to see what one looks like someday.

    I believe I may have come wrapped up in one too (though my people tell me they found me in a hand woven willow basket lined with swan’s down and apple blossoms on the side of a trail near a glacier lake).

    I don’t think I believe that. My origination story is as normal as anyone else’s, and I’d like to see the packaging. I’m sure it’s lovely in its own way. Different than swan’s down?

  8. mister plays some nasty pranks on you, girl! i read this aloud to my husband (i do every day), and he groaned at first (ya know, cuz he’s got virgin ears, or something), but of course, he’s laughing by the end of every post. he especially liked the no-doze, and he’s feeling bad that homeslice got hit in the face with the water. if it’s any consolation, i spilled my 20 oz cup of water all over people’s deposits and checks at the bank today… while there were about 6 people in line. watching me. mocking me. and i backed into my neighbor’s pickup while exiting my driveway this morning. full moon.

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