I’m up at Toy with Me today! Talking about Porn. It’s surprisingly safe for work (mainly). There’s no pictures at least. Well, not dirty ones… They’re not really dirty at least. Like if your boss came over and looked over your shoulder she wouldn’t like, immediately fire you. She’d have to read some of it first and then she’d fire you. PS: Listen, don’t get all kerfuffly if the post isn’t up yet. We get up wicked early and besides. The Toy With Mes are in like, Canada, and it’s different there so blame Canada for being tardy. Those Tardy Canadians. PSS: I Want Porn For Chicks at TOYWITHME

You know how when you come out of Target and some ass clown has parked a Porsche SUV sofuckingclose to your car that you don’t know how he/she managed to get out of the driver’s side door, and you realize there’s no way you’re going to get your baby carrier back into your car unless you violently and with great force open the door and smash the shit out of the Porsche SUV’s door because your car is old and you don’t give a fuck anyway because you’re a total badass and then you struggle and fight to cram your baby seat into your car and the baby’s eyes are are open super wide and she’s all “what’s happening to my chair?” and you finally get it in there but OH NO!

The pretty paint on the Porsche seems to be damaged.

Huh.

It’s a shame, really.

And then, just in case you were going to miss an opportunity to really stick it to the ass monkey, you might have no place to put your gum after you’ve finished with it and so maybe you stick it under the door handle.

Maybe.

Or maybe you just wish you had a piece of gum because that’s what you’d do with it if you did, which maybe you don’t and so you make a mental note to always have gum from now on.

And maybe you’re so fucking fed up with people being assholes that you drive all the way home feeling pretty satisfied that you just showed one of them what’s what (sort of).  And maybe you even had some fantasies  about what you’d do if they came out to their car whilst you were struggling with your baby seat, and maybe you felt sad that you never took those Ninjitsu classes like you always wanted because you know a ninja would never put up with that shit and so you make another note to become a ninja because it’s up to us to teach them, Queefies.

One dicklicking cuntburger at a time.

Hey Queefies!

Crissy is back, and there’s gonna be some changes up in this hizouse (sorry, there’s still an urban black man living in here) because Crissy is having a Madonna moment, and she’s feeling sorta stale and she needs to re-invent herself just a little bit.

That’s how wicked important celebrities like Crissy make sure their names stay in the headlines, either that or they get caught drunk driving or smacking their bitch up, but you wouldn’t know anything about it because you’re not as big a celebrity as Crissy.

Hottest Mommy Blogger is a very big deal, you know.

It’s not to be trifled with, Queefies.  Not to mention the awesome responsibility of being Queen of Fucking Everything.

It’s bigger than space elevators and…other big things.

(Crissy doesn’t even know what space elevators are, she just wants to sound wicked smot.)

And the first change you’ll notice around here is that Crissy’s not going to talk in the third person anymore because you know what she realized?

I just can’t tell stories about myself anymore.

It’s boring me to death. It’s not good when even you are over yourself.

My hat is off to bossy.  She’s been doing it for ages!

The next Wicked Important Change on the agenda is that somehow, I’m going to add a Daily Style section, sort of like what people tell Crissy Doosh does, only Crissy’s won’t be lame and boring.  It’s going to be so fucking badass and full of awesome you’re gonna want to stab yourself in the throat and set your hair on fire for not thinking of it first, so watch for it.  It’s coming to get you.

Or something.

(Did I already slip back into the third person right there?  Clearly, this is going to be an adjustment for all of us.)

So yes.  Those are the announcements for today.  And forever, I suppose.

I’d love to stay here and tell you all about our Halloweenie, but I can’t.  I have to mentally prepare for today because Girlfriend and I have appointments at the dentist and we’ll be taking Homeslice with us.  So, somehow, I’m supposed to get my teeth cleaned and have Girlfriend on my lap whilst she gets hers cleaned because of course, that’s the only way she’ll allow them to touch her,  ALL THE WHILE keeping Homeslice occupied.

And the appointments are at the time when Homeslice gets hungry and freaks the frack out and would you want to deny this kid food?

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I don’t think so.  Homeslice gots the gangsta in ah.  She da boss, yo.  She da boss.

(I slipped in a Halloweenie picture after all!  Because I fucking rule and don’t you forget it, bitch.)

So, do I whip it out at the dentist, or do I bring a bottle and pray I don’t soak the hygienist with boob leakage? I have to make a decision on that sometime before 10.  It will take all of my mental energy.

I’m having a martini for breakfast, y’all.

It’s the only way to survive this without hijacking the dentist instruments and drilling my brain out.