Wolverine wants to kill Mister. I’m so jealous I could spit.

So I came upstairs from doing yoga yesterday and Mister said to me “I have a stalker.  He wants to kill me.” And I was all “WHAT?…lucky.

And then he told me the story of how he commented on some nice lady’s blog where she had written that her husband was pissed at her for writing about him and so forbid her from writing anything about him ever again, good or bad, and Mister said:

“If you can’t write about your husband, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say he’s got some insecurity issues he should be dealing with.  Hell, I provide a good portion of my wife’s blog fodder. In return, she poses for pictures which end up as flickr fodder. We have a system.”

WELL.

That was about a month ago, and Mister forgot all about it until he got an email yesterday morning that said this:

“If your gonna post to my wife about me watch what you say. I come from a fighter history and love to play with my fists. So fuck off and follow someone else. People don’t get that on the other end of a computer a person exist. If this was said in my presence it would get bad. Have you heard the song Walk from Pantera? Thats how i prepared for my cage fights and pre football games. If i hear from you again there will be a problem and i will take the next step bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Uh-huh.

The next step being what?  Flying out here so he can play with his fists on Mister’s face? That makes sense. That’s what anybody would do in this situation. Absolutely.

The Internet is very serious business, you know.

And poor Mister was confused and he wasted like, five whole minutes backtracking to figure out what the guy was even talking about.

I’m so jealous!!

This whole thing makes me sad because of all the shit I say and how much I could potentially piss somebody off–Escalade Pajama Cunts, stupid people, circus clowns, republicans, assholes, Jesus freaks, Doocebags, people who suck, sweaty lesbian fitness gurus (I say that with all the love in my heart, Jillian), woodchucks, etc. NOBODY HAS EVER THREATENED TO KICK MY ASS BEFORE!

Sure.  I’ve got hecklers, but all they ever do is come over here and they’re all “meh-meh-meh.  youR abitchhh!!1!!!! meh-meh-meh. You’re blog isnt’ even worth trashing.” ( It has come to my attention that that might actually be true). I mean come! On! Internet!  You can do better than that.  I know you can!

Quite frankly, I’m hurt. All Mister has to do to get awesome death threats is make some random comment on some lady’s blog and all hell breaks loose (eventually…later on.).  And what’s worse is this is the guy’s facebook picture (edit: it is no longer the actual facebook picture):

It’s FUCKING WOLVERINE!

Unbelievable.

All I can say is that if Wolverine decides to catch a plane and brave Holiday Travel Season to come and show Mister his Super Cool Villan Claws I have to warn him.

I don’t care a fig about “cage fighting” or “pre football” and Mister doesn’t only know that song, he can play it on the guitar.

With his dick.

I do TURBO JAM, BITCH.

_MG_4426-78

You may have heard about it, but probably not.  It’s too hard for “cage fighters.”  See those gloves I’m wearing?  They have weights in them for extra POWER.

And don’t forget MY GLADIATOR OUTFIT, SPORTS FAN.

American Gladiators

You don’t want me to play with my giant padded stick thingy on you.

No sir.

So, come on you guys.  Don’t any of you want to kick my ass?

Maybe just a little bit?

Anyone?

Please?

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37 comments

  1. Is it bad I think Mister should provoke him even more? I love watching Internet Tough Guys go down in flames.

    And Crissy, maybe you just haven’t noticed your stalkers yet? There’s really good cover behind those bushes outside of your house….um I mean…..which someone told me once over coffee….so…yeah….

  2. Mr- They decided to name them pugil sticks because everyone knows that your average drill sergeant can’t say “giant padded stick thingy” and not get the giggles.

  3. HAHAHAHAHA, oh for the love….

    whatever Mr Doucheverine says sounds more like he’s calling for attention than anything else. That tough bullshit he mentions sounds like a war cry for a small, very small penis.
    .-= PorkStar’s last blog post… Grumpy bear =-.

  4. Ooo! Oooo! I wanna kick your ass! I wanna!! I wanna!! Can we wear bikins and do it in say, jello or mud?? Or even better!! In light of the holiday, MASHED POTATOES!!

    Meh, maybe not.

  5. I’m in…I’ll come try to kick your ass too. But you’ll totally win cause I can’t fight at all. Plus, my balance is off these days considering I’m the shape of a jumbo weeble-wobble. Maybe if it’s in a pool of Jello or Mashed potatoes like Marissa says, then it’ll soften the blows.

  6. Sounds like he has about as much chance in a commenting war as Pimp would have in the cage. But since he came to your turf, show no mercy and get him to tap out.

    Google ads I see: Cirque de Soleil and Bipolar Disorder. Fair enough, this is a crazy circus.
    .-= Christian’s last blog post… Home Version Soon To Be Released =-.

  7. I drive my escalade in my clown pajamas to take my republican children to their Christian school. I mean sometimes my sweaty lesbian lover does it but her hummer takes up like four spaces so we try to be polite and only take up two when we can help it. You know. Now I am pissed off. Your ass is grass!

    Make you feel better?

  8. Ooh! One of the ads I see is “Stop Jealous Thoughts!”

    I’d be happy to referee the mashed potato wrassling… I’ll even have Mr. POSSLQ whip up a tasty gravy to add that extra “oomph!”.

    Sounds like the time I was living on the Frozen Tundra and the guy who called the answering service I worked at lived in Texas and said he was gonna come kick my ass and demanded directions to my office. I told him to hop on 35 and drive North for 24 hours and give me a call back.

    The guy is obviously a small-dicked douchebag whose wife is probably only a FRACTION of the hotness of you! And I’d bet you could totally lay the smack down on him!
    .-= MsDarkstar’s last blog post… I’m so excited!! =-.

  9. Wait I said Christmas gift-not politically correct. My bad. Should have been “Holiday gift”. Wolverine might kick my ass for that. At least he would be leaving Mister alone.

  10. As a card carrying pacifist I reject violence in any and all forms, so how about a nice ass tickeling? I promice I’ll say mean things to you if that will help.

  11. OOh! First of all, I hate you for looking that good after having two babies. Right now I look like a beached whale. Second of all, I’m a bit in shock no one has ever threatened to kick your ass. Perhaps they think you too nice to do any harm? Or else they all just recognize your greatness and know to leave you alone.

    Here’s something to be jealous about. I have an ex-boyfriend who apparently attracts the crazies. I have had TWO of his subsequent girlfriends either call or email me to threaten me. I watched another one give him the beat down (really, she was hitting him and throwing things at him). All of this in reaction to me and my presence in his past life. I’ll have to tell you the full story sometime over a bottle of wine. One stalked me for a couple of years – but from GA (I lived in Memphis at the time). Awesomeness. Aren’t you jealous??

  12. Well, Mr. Wolverine certainly dispelled any notion that he is insecure about his tiny dick with that email, didn’t he? And what an intimidating musical selection!

    I will kick your ass if you want, but we will have to come up with a safe word. How about “harder?”
    .-= stoogepie’s last blog post… Ninja Rape Gang =-.

  13. This is the first blog of yours I’ve read..Hilarious.

    And I could so totally kick your ass. I was raised in the middle of B.F.E., gave birth at sixteen and in my husbands family there are rumors of incest. Seriously. I’m like, totally Ellie May Clampett. With smaller breasts. Which just get in the way when you’re fighting anyway. Seriously.
    .-= Laurie’s last blog post… The hubby’s birthday =-.

  14. Hints on the stalker’s true identity? No. Probably not.

    Any chance he’s the one who thinks he’s RELEVANT GUY whose RELEVANT WIFE has that thing going on with some arrested development and thinks she’s an elf or something?

    Blink once = no; twice = yes.

  15. maybe that dude has a REALLY small dick? or perhaps GYNORMOUS balls. like the kind that are so overwhelming you wonder how in the fuck they could hang from the human body. like the super gross kind

    OR, maybe he has a small dick AND gynormous balls. I bet that’s fun to play with….

    Except not.
    .-= deutlich’s last blog post… Digital Ain’t Cuttin’ It =-.

  16. Something very strong was in my Thanksgiving punch. Great Great Aunt Bridget told me it could give me fleeting psychic powers.

    I’m picking up Wolverine only wishes she were married to the wife she feels possessive of. The “wife” is married to somebody else, also with a nasty temper. Wolverine has a bad bloody nose that won’t stop bleeding this Thanksgiving.

    Wolverine could post on this site under a much less threatening name, and possibly has been for some time.

    Beware of a she sheep in Wolverine’s clothing. This sheep is a member of a small cowardly and not too bright internets flock who hide behind their words and labor under the curse of envy.

  17. The jig is up “Agnes”. We all know who you are. We know you’re one person and we don’t give a shit.

    Shut up already.

  18. The thing is Sherlock, we all know who you and your Gang of Envy members are.

    Don’t blow a gasket, your nose will just start bleeding again.

  19. Of course you’re confused. Who wouldn’t be, with that crush you’ve got on ‘ol
    RELEVANT ELF? Relax Sherilock. Stay focused. There is light. Breathe deep.

    You bully types often suffer visions of grandeur. You get a little taste of local celebrity with your local small town shooting stars, but lucky for you, there’s always a PhD program you might hide behind later, if you’re still not ready to get real.

    After that, I just don’t know what to tell you. You’re truly on your own, confused or not.

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