Oh haiiiii! Sorry about yesterday. I totally flaked–thought it was Sunday.
Not really.
I didn’t. I knew it was Monday, but Homeslice didn’t give a rat’s ass about your needs and I tried to explain to her about being Hottest Mommy Blogger and how it’s exactly like being President Obama except way more important, and if she doesn’t let me write to the Queefies there might be a Major Incident, but no matter how I tried to convince her that you needed me more, she wasn’t having it people.
Selfish.
And so I didn’t post.
I’m wicked, wicked, wicked sorry.
STOP YELLING I SAID SORRY SHUT UP.
And then last night I was just sort of toodling around on Mister’s Flickr page (working in a library is hard, you guys) when I came across this:
which I did not know existed and I can only assume he made it while he should have been out purchasing a new car for me (now my old car has a stitch coming out of the seat and it’s probably very dangerous to drive it like that) with the hundreds of millions of monies (from the gambling) (and the prostitution ring) (and the cocaine) I know he has stashed somewheres.
(You’re holding out on me, Mister. I know it. You. Mother. Fucker.)
and so that is why he has yet to receive a hand job.
Sorry, but a dishwasher just isn’t good enough, especially since it was purchased with MY MONEY that I MADE by writing words on the Internet.
So yes.
That was my weekend.
How was yours, since it’s Tuesday and we’re all just focused on surviving until Friday around 5 ish now?
PS: I almost forgot to tell you about how I went shopping at Forever 21 for a dress to wear for my dinner with MELISSA LIIIOOOONNNNN (say that just like Oprah does it. Go, LIII-OOOO-NNNN!!!! and then blow your nose with a $20 bill.) next week and I found something very cute, but I’ll probaby get my period because I always get my period on/around Thanksgivingtimes, it’s part of my gift, and I’ll have to wear a berka instead of my cute dinner dress but that’s okay. Melissa understands and also I think she likes Berkanians. That’s what you call the people from Berkaland right?
PSS: I hope you appreciate the amount of effort it took to write a blog post this morning. I mean seriously, where’s my handjob?
ahh, so you found that, eh?
Crissy’s Pimp’s last blog post… 10 days before thanksgiving
is giving you chocolate and telling you you’re skinny like a hand-job for girls? I can do that.
as for rubbing the bean…you’re on your own.
how long did you have to wait for her to find it, Pimp?
Natballs’s last blog post… Wherein I Am Being Totally Immature But Love It
Dishwasher intsalation = a handy? Who wrote that rule? A man I am assuming…
I don’t know, I’m conflicted here . . . the pimp got the dishwasher installed and come on, handjobs should be part of your daily workout routine – keep those mousing and keyboarding muscles in shape.
On the other hand in his excitement to get said hand job he managed to find the time to take a picture and photochop it, but forget to fix the baby latch on the sink cabinet where you probably hide your chemicals for making meth.
c’mon, it’s not like i made a bid for two girls at once or something.
it’s a HAND JOB.
home depot wanted over $100 for the install, which invariably would have also been bumped up massively to cover the few plumbing fittings it required.
that’s not worth 10 minutes of tugging?
I think that people in Berkaland also wear Birkenstocks so you might want to schedule another shopping trip to make sure you have the appropriate footwear.
Dingo’s last blog post… My Fat Mouth
Pimp, you are getting ripped off if you’ve been paying over $100 for a handy. In Memphis, I could find you a good crack whore who’s willing to take as little as $20 for the full work-up (“oral and natural” according to the cops).
She may not be as pretty as your wife or even have all her teeth, but she’ll get the job done for 1/5 of the monies.
Crissy, I’ve noticed your increased use of the word “wicked” lately. Do RIers say that too? I assumed it was a Baaaston thing. I’m learning so much!
Jeebuz, lady. I went shopping all over Portland for a dress that’s both warm and comfortable because we’re going to be in Boston all day in the FREEZING ASS NEW ENGLAND COLD and then meeting you for dinner AND I DIDN’T FIND ONE.
So I’m not really sure what I’m going to do.
Skinny jeans?
Also, will you guys choose a restaurant? Something with beer. Nothing too posh. But something with waiters.
Melissa Lion’s last blog post… Events and Retreats and Stuff
If new home appliances don’t get you a hand job then I’d hate to see what doesn’t get you a blow job.
Christian’s last blog post… Home Version Soon To Be Released
A good dishwasher would have come with a hand job attachment. Just sayin’.
Explain to Homeslice that you need to write words on the Internetz so that she will have loyal subjects, too. Who will buy her ponies and whatnot. Not that it will help, kids at that age are notoriously selfish.
Maybe I should make some baby-friendly bath fizzies to win her over…!
MsDarkstar’s last blog post… Gearing up again…
My dishwasher makes funny noises…….need new one.
My car has 100,000 miles on it……need new one.
My television is about 20 years old…..need new one.
Rebecca’s last blog post… …you have to be at least 13
You know, I had this witty little response that I was going to put here. But, then I thought it was a wee bit inappropriate. And then I remembered whose blog I was on and reminded myself that it wasn’t inappropriate at all. But, I still felt a wee bit dirty writing it down. And so, I didn’t. It remains captured in my head. You’ll have to pry it out if you really want to know.
OK, I’ll give you one hint: dishwashers
SoMi’s Nilsa’s last blog post… Trip
hey mister
we have talked about this before…
you have set the bar way too high for yourself
lower expectations
all i have to do is something like change a lightbulb and i’m getting handjobs for a week
ps did i mention the mother in law raked the leaves this weekend while i watched some football?
I want a handijob.
Aunt Becky’s last blog post… Today We Fight
Jesus, what are they supposed to get when they remodel the whole kitchen…I’m in trouble.
Also, I’m very jealous of Melissa Lion – I want to have dinner with you even if you will be dressed like a Berkanian.
MegKathleen’s last blog post… Pineapple Police
What? Didn’t he install the dishwasher so he could put his pussy pockets in there to get clean?
k8’s last blog post… Right
You should be happy to know that doooche has a FUGLY haircut with a dye job that makes her eyebrows look like skid marks, and she still has a huge-celuliteish ass.
Baby Marlo is average, at best, compared to the Amazing Homeslice.
(However, her mister got the snipity-snip taken care of already so if you’re keeping up with the dooches you better get on that)
THE best line…
“that’s not worth 10 minutes of tugging?” Never thought of it like that before!!
So it would then be like tug of war…no????
Awwww handjobs – the gift that doesn’t need wrapping.
[...] posted yesterday about buying a new dress for our big dinner on Tuesday. That’s right, LESS THAN A WEEK BEFORE [...]
A handjob for installing a dishwasher?? NO way. A handjob is only given when you’re 1) in high school or 2) in public.
Ken, you’re setting the bar too low.
Maxie’s last blog post… Would You Rather Wednesday
apparently not low enough!
So that’s where the term “handy man” came from