Oh haiiiii! Sorry about yesterday. I totally flaked–thought it was Sunday.
I didn’t. I knew it was Monday, but Homeslice didn’t give a rat’s ass about your needs and I tried to explain to her about being Hottest Mommy Blogger and how it’s exactly like being President Obama except way more important, and if she doesn’t let me write to the Queefies there might be a Major Incident, but no matter how I tried to convince her that you needed me more, she wasn’t having it people.
And so I didn’t post.
I’m wicked, wicked, wicked sorry.
STOP YELLING I SAID SORRY SHUT UP.
And then last night I was just sort of toodling around on Mister’s Flickr page (working in a library is hard, you guys) when I came across this:
which I did not know existed and I can only assume he made it while he should have been out purchasing a new car for me (now my old car has a stitch coming out of the seat and it’s probably very dangerous to drive it like that) with the hundreds of millions of monies (from the gambling) (and the prostitution ring) (and the cocaine) I know he has stashed somewheres.
(You’re holding out on me, Mister. I know it. You. Mother. Fucker.)
and so that is why he has yet to receive a hand job.
Sorry, but a dishwasher just isn’t good enough, especially since it was purchased with MY MONEY that I MADE by writing words on the Internet.
That was my weekend.
How was yours, since it’s Tuesday and we’re all just focused on surviving until Friday around 5 ish now?
PS: I almost forgot to tell you about how I went shopping at Forever 21 for a dress to wear for my dinner with MELISSA LIIIOOOONNNNN (say that just like Oprah does it. Go, LIII-OOOO-NNNN!!!! and then blow your nose with a $20 bill.) next week and I found something very cute, but I’ll probaby get my period because I always get my period on/around Thanksgivingtimes, it’s part of my gift, and I’ll have to wear a berka instead of my cute dinner dress but that’s okay. Melissa understands and also I think she likes Berkanians. That’s what you call the people from Berkaland right?
PSS: I hope you appreciate the amount of effort it took to write a blog post this morning. I mean seriously, where’s my handjob?
- Nobody had to cut a bitch, but it was smelly
- I’m going to be completely honest with you. This post is a nightmare.
- Are You There Vodka? It’s Me, Crissy.
- Monday, Monday, Monday.
- #1 in the #3 Business