Sorry this post is late and probably nobody is going to read it but whatevs. I swear these kids are going to be the death of this mommy blog (ironic, yes?). I need to put a better lock on their cage.
So, this morning, when I dropped Girlfriend off at the school (and this has happened twice now and so that makes it a non-isolated incident) and I held the gate open for an EPC and she was totally just going to waltz right through it, without acknowledging me or anything, but I sort of positioned myself so that she had to look at me, and I forced her to make eye contact with me, I don’t know why, and then she said “thank you.” BUT it was begrudgingly, Queefs. Very begrudgingly, like she was scared that if she didn’t say “thank you” I might touch her or breathe on her or maybe even hurt her with my crude words.
You never know.
You can’t be too careful.
And she said “thank you” in this voice like…I don’t even know what.
It’s hard to describe.
Maybe think of how Mrs. Howell
would look if you just goosed her, and then pinch your nose and say “thank you” in your best Valley Girl voice.
It’s exactly like that, only coming from someone who wears velvet-y track pants with “JUICY” written on the ass.
The fuck’s wrong with these people, Queefs?
I guess what we can take away from all of this is that the EPCs are scared of me.
I have them exactly where I want them.
Now I just need a plan.
Only I don’t know what I’m planning or why.
But those are just details.
So, yes.
A PLAN.
Do you watch The New Adventures of Old Christine? Because this is soooooo much like Christine and the mean mommies at her son’s school. It’s hysterical. You need some velvety-er sweatpants that say Juicier and you need to wear your tiara and show up in a bigger Escalade with like Ashton Kuchar on your arm. That’s a good plan, right?
That is an AWESOME! plan!
Get me Ashton on the phone, right away!
crissy’s last blog post… OMG! Sorry! Better late than never though, right?
Do they wear Ugg boots too? I think we need to inform the EPC that Juicy track suits are so LAST DECADE. And so are Uggs. Ugh.
Melissa Lion’s last blog post… Staycation
Oh, of course they have the pants tucked into the Uggs! That’s the uniform. Also, very big diamond stud earrings. And blown out, perfectly straight and shiny hair.
I’m lucky if I’m not wearing baby vomit on my sweater.
crissy’s last blog post… OMG! Sorry! Better late than never though, right?
I find that having plans are a good thing.
But Juicy? SERIOUSLY?!
Ugh.
Just ugh.
deutlich’s last blog post… The Heart of the Matter
She has another pair with skulls on the ass too. Like those tattoo skulls. It’s the same outfit every day though, just different velvet pants.
crissy’s last blog post… OMG! Sorry! Better late than never though, right?
Those mean moms must be everywhere. Because I run into the ALL. THE. TIME. Only, I don’t make them make eye contact with me. That’s way too direct. I’m more passive aggressive. I wait until after they’ve walked through the door/gate/whatever and then I yell YOU’RE WELCOME as I walk away. It usually leaves them stunned to the point they forgot where they were going in the first place.
SoMi’s Nilsa’s last blog post… Replay
I guess you can’t expect much from someone who’s a clone or clown or both.
Not to worry though, karma is gonna slap her on the ass next time she walks through that gate.
toywithme’s last blog post… I Want You! To Write For Me
I discovered most of those ladies aren’t wearing real diamonds, but CZ. So I take all smug pride and stuff in thinking that I know their real secret when I see them. Even if they’re real, I pretend they are just CZ and that I could buy some from WalMart of Target if I wanted, but I am not that pretentious, etc.
Like Lynne, I think about New Adventures of Old Christine when you talk about the EPCs too! And since I like to flatter myself that I look like a shorter fatter Julia Louis-Dreyfus (in her Elaine days with the curly hair), you have to start watching it too.
And one of my biggest pet peeves is holding a door/gate/etc open for someone who doesn’t say thank you. They do it to me now even at 100 months pregnant. What happened to manners?? JUST SAY THANK YOU!!!!!
You know why it is they wear the velvet pants right? Because their pre-baby clothes still don’t fit!!!! They are so jealous when they see the hottie QOFE and her adorable kids they go home and eat a whole pint of Ben and Jerry’s and cry.
Nilsa- I do that sometimes too. YOU’RE WELCOME! Hey, when are you coming through this area?
Toy with Me- Karma will get her! I know it!
Daisee- People suck.
Oh Tess! HUGS. I would love to believe that, but this particular EPC is actually about 6 feet tall and weighs maybe 120 lbs? She’s gorgeous.
Just print out your blog and show it to them. That will prove that you are way better than them and it should shut them up for awhile……..while they are reading it. After they read it, they will want to love up on you and make up for all the harm they have caused.
Rebecca’s last blog post… En Loco Parentis
People are assholes. And crazy ones at that. Glad there’s a post up today! I thought my computer was broken and not letting me see all the good stuff I depend on in the mornings!
Awww, c’mon Crissy, you know ol’ Velvet Tush goes home and cries into her Ben & Jerry’s and then scurries off to Liposuctions R US or visits the vomitorium because HER mister found the mattress slut a better ride than her. Sure, she’s good enough to have borne his spawn, but she’s sure no QOFE.
We parked next to an Escalade the other day and I wanted to lie in wait to sneer at the EPC I was sure drove that vehicle.
The best revenge is living well, Crissy. And even with baby barf on your sweater, you’re a million times better person than any EPC will ever be. So, I say that the plan is to just keep being the awesome QOFE we know and love!
MsDarkstar’s last blog post… Mixer is my friend…
we have a new vibrator to try out and review…
life is good!
Obviously the problem here was that you actually expected her to act like you existed. How dare you??? Don’t you KNOW that they are so much better than you???
Yeah. Right.
Twats.
Paula’s last blog post… TMI THURSDAY: DIRTY PRESENTS YOU MAY WANT TO AVOID . . .
When I was leaving work one day, a male doctor walked right through the door I’d opened for myself. He didn’t even look at me, let alone say thank you. I guess he was a BMW Docker’s Prick? I’m sure you can come up with a better name for the male version of the EPC, Crissy.
We have that breed of soccer mom cuntburger in NJ. Just the other day I foolishly tried to help one at Target by picking up a trail of things her little angel was throwing out of their cart because she was so distracted by the other one who was raising hell (and trailing mud around the store from her soccer cleats). When I handed her the items saying, “excuse me but you little one there dropped these” she just looked and me and said “Oh” and snatched them from my hand. I so wanted to stick my gum in her hair. I did shout after her “Your so welcome glad to help” but she ignored me.
Wearing pants that say “juicy” on the ass is a profound failure of imagination.
You know she only has all those things because her husband hates her, right?
k8’s last blog post… Happy Feet Friday
Okay, No children here so I don’t run into EPC’s, so WTF does it stand for??
Crissy I love, love, love your blog. You’re the hottest chick with words!
I HATE PEOPLE IN JUICY PANTS!!!! Your ass is juicy? TMI! Sorry you got the shits, but do you need to tell us? AND they usually don’t look good in them anyway, so why spend all the money? You could’ve stuffed your fat (or flat) fanny in a pair of Target sweats at that point.
I do love the Uggs though.They are so warm.
I’m not sure what the EPC is but maybe next time you see her coming just stick your foot out so she trips … then you can point and laugh.
@k8 .. so true so true lmao.
You should call Bravo TV and command them to come up and start a new show called “The EPC’s of Schmucketytown”. When the show starts to air everybody will see them for the pieces of trash that they truely are.
As a side note, if you are wearing Juicy on your backside I’m thinking you have an STD. Now if it says Wet, well then thats a different post.