Remember this picture from yesterday Queefies?
And the Very Serious Faces we’re wearing?
Well, it ain’t because we’re mentally preparing for Ikea.
It’s because we’re fighting.
Because that’s what we do in the car.
We fight.
And it’s not that we’re having a disagreement about money or Sexy Time or the raising of the little childrens or the gambling or the Chinese hookers or the blow (okay, well sometimes it’s the hookers, but only because they leave glitter all over his clothes it’s a bitch to get out) (Seriously, it’s all over the washing machine.) (It’s a mess!).
(I’m going through a parentheses phase, yes?)
We fight because I think Mister drives like shit, and he disagrees, but quite honestly, I don’t understand how he can think he’s a good driver when he’s passing people at eleventy hundred miles per hour on the right hand side, waiting until the last possible second to get over and then having to force his way in, and refusing to let other cars get in front of him even if it means getting into an accident because whatever you do, don’t let that motherfucker in, bro.
You da man, Mister.
You da man.
Me: HOLY SHIT DUDE!
Mister: What?
Me: I don’t want to get there dead!
Mister: …?
Me: You’re driving like an asshole. Do that when your children aren’t in the car, would you? DON’T YOU LOVE THEM????
Mister: Mind your own business.
Me: I’m sorry. Dying in the car is my business.
Mister: One of these days, I’m gonna turn your seat around, I swear to God.
Me: One of these days, I’m gonna just start taking a separate car and when people ask why we never show up together, I’m gonna tell them it’s because you’re always at the ASIAN MASSAGE.
Mister: I’m sure everyone will believe you.
Me: I’m sure they will. You look like the type. By the way, you have glitter on your cheek.
Mister: Whatever.
(wipes cheek self-consciously)
Me: Seriously! Cut it out! You’re gonna kill us!
Mister: Actually, I’m hoping it’ll just be you.
Girlfriend: Will you two just shut up? I can’t hear the radio! Daddy, slow down, Mommy BE QUIET!
Mister: FINE!
Me: FINE.
And then if we’re lucky, we get there before I have an anxiety induced seizure, but you know what is sooooo annoying? Just to make my head explode, he drives the rest of the way veeeerrrrryyyy ssssssslllllooooowwwlllyyyy and I can’t say shit to him because I just yelled at him for going too fast.
It makes me stabby.
Someday there’s going to be a situation, Queefs.
Mark my words.
Similar Posts:
- It’s Crissy Wants Week!
- There’s a leak in the boiler room
- You’re Skatin’ Me Crazy!!! Oof. That’s a bad title. Embarassing, really.
- Don’t Eff With the Effer!
- Okay, yesterday we learned that there are THREE kinds of people in this world. Those who bring lonely sandwiches, those who bring lunchboxes full of crap, and those who take the whole thing way too seriously (or not seriously enough, depending on how you look at it).
This might be another whole blog subject, but it is always interesting to see who drives the car in a relationship. I am like you in that David always drives. The guy drives, especially at night (I can’t see. But I know a few couples and the woman drives. I thought that it was a bit different. I will see the guy driving the car all week and then on the weekend, she is driving and he is riding when they go out. Just a thought.
Hot Damn! I thought I was the only one who wondered if I could shove my husband out his door, while on the freeway, jump in and take over. I could go all action-movie style on his ass, because his driving sucks balls.
.-= Sam’s last blog post… Rambling madwoman =-.
At least Mister doesn’t drive like an old lady. My husband does and it takes double the time to get there, and he always wants to drive because he says my driving too fast (i.e. NORMAL speed) scares him to death.
.-= kelly’s last blog post… Updates =-.
My husband is also a terrible driver (IMO). He drives like an old man, and swerves and changes lanes w/o signaling(and nearly kills people). I don’t eat hard candies or gum in the car anymore on account of all the gasping (out of fright) I do all the time. Sometimes, I just sit in the car with my eyes closed…seriously.
.-= chickenlips’s last blog post… much of the same =-.
Hi Crissy … you never fail to make me laugh … thank you for that!!
I think they are all the same! Does he ever let you drive and him just sit in the passanger seat and shut it cuz mine doesn’t.
and Mister … I never let anyone get in front of me … just sayin
i let people in front of me all the time.
what i do NOT do, however, is let some asshole come zooming up, after passing as many people as possible, and try to wedge his/her way in. fuck that.
i don’t need to turn her seat around–i just need to bring a blindfold.
My hub thinks I’m a bad driver, but I call it driving defensively – okay maybe I’m a little aggressive at times, but I’m not about to drive 2 under the speed limit when I’m late for a plane that he didn’t think we needed to leave for earlier because I’m such an anal nervous nelly about flying and arriving at the airport early. *ahem*
But he’s willing to drive even late at night when we’re both super tired and cranky and he never complains about it when I fall asleep leaving him alone to struggle to stay awake. So he gets points for that.
And the best line I think I’ve ever heard? “It makes me stabby.”
Maybe Girlfriend should drive? I say if she can see above the steering wheel then she should drive. She may just do a better job than the Mister.
.-= Marie’s last blog post… Did you know… =-.
Jason drives as if every car could potential run straight through a stop sign and kill us all. It’s like a grandmother with paranoia. WORSE.
.-= Ben’s last blog post… Boob Tuesday #3 =-.
I hope your vehicle at least has a five-star crash test rating, with side airbags and all that.
My son (now 24) thought he was a fantastic driver, until he rear-ended a car with an elderly couple in it (his fault, not paying attention) and the man died two days after the accident. New York State did not think he was such a hot driver, and let him know by suspending his license.
Just food for thought…
Oh man…I kind of wish my husband would drive like that. He drives so SLOW! We had to go to the doctor for my ultrasound yesterday and he was driving 50 in a 55 mph zone! People are passing us left and right doing at LEAST 60. Ugh, I wanted to hit him. I love the second pic. And I can totally hear your little one yelling at you guys
I’d like to know more about the Chinese hookers and Asian massages….
Gay Boyfriend knows that I will never get in the passenger seat with him driving after he almost KILLED ME ON THE WAY TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM.
.-= k8′s last blog post… Dirty, Dirty Weekend =-.
well, at least you were headed in the right direction, k8.
I dislike driving. I will let anyone ANYONE drive my car so that I can avoid driving.
Also, I like that bottom picture of you two. Basically it made me want to get married to Fancyhats. Okay, that’s been happening for a long time, and remember when I said I didn’t ever want to get married? Well I just said it. I DID.
This is appropriate blog comment material, no?
.-= Melissa Lion’s last blog post… Cash for Clunkers? =-.
I really like the blindfold idea. Any chance that there is a bondage-mobile out there? Blindfolds, mouth-gag, restraints. Do the woodland gays have one? Do you know if they would share the design specs? That would be the greatest!
as someone once told me…ahem,
“My inability to comprehend his driving ability does not effect his ability to drive.”
Total boy-thoughts. Total bullshit.
and I think I meant affect…
<3 Girlfriend. That’s all I’m sayin. LOL
same thing over here with my husband, only instead of passing on the right, he’ll just ride the car’s ass until they finally move over.
the only time he didn’t drive fast was when my water broke & we were on the way to the hospital – wtf? (yes, i did give him grief over it).
Sweets and I don’t often fight. But, I can pretty much guarantee that our top 5 fights have occurred when he’s driving behind the wheel. Or when he’s telling me how to drive. In fact, one of our best fights was when I was driving him to the train station (note: I was doing him a favor) and he was telling me how to drive. I got so fed up with it that I told him to shut the eff up or get out of the car. He wouldn’t shut up. So I stopped and made him get out. He walked the rest of the way.
.-= SoMi’s Nilsa’s last blog post… Perfection =-.
I’m a crappy driver, so much that my husband is actually the better driver. HOWEVER, he sometimes drives like a jerk. He’ll NOT turn his blinker on until a bagillionth of a second before he needs to turn. Drives me batty!
This part is difficult to explain……BUT he also will be on an on ramp to the interstate, this same on ramp connects to the next road we need to be on……while STILL on the same on ramp, he will turn on the blinker….there is nowhere else to go but the DITCH!
.-= Rebecca’s last blog post… Bad Bad Bully Becky =-.
people seem to think i’m a “dangerous” or “fast” driver or whatever. psh. i have never been in an accident (or caused other people to have an accident!) and have only been pulled once for speeding, and that totally wasn’t my fault anyway. i’m just a GOOD driver. SAVVY.
.-= Alice’s last blog post… girrrl i want to make you sweat =-.
Greetings, QOFE! I have not been in here oh-so-long because of the law school which prevents me from doing anything fun at all. The above post describes driving time with me and my mister to a T. I like to scream, “WHAT A GREAT REASON FOR ME TO BECOME A WIDOW! BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO MAKE THE LIGHT! THAT IS TOTALLY REASONABLE!”
The real reason I stopped by here for a visit is that yesterday morning I thought of you when a Pajama Cunt robbed me of my parking spot. I have found a parking spot smack in the middle of the city where my school is, in which the meter is permanently stuck on two hours. I get there early enough that I can ALWAYS get in the spot and stay all day. For free.
But noooo. Not yesterday. You see, my magical secret parking spot is outside a church that runs a daycare, and I approached my spot JUST IN TIME to see a fucking Escalade driven by a Pajama Cunt steal my space so she could save the three extra feet of walking her snotty brat child into the church. And it really was an Escalade. And she really was wearing pajamas! And she really was a cunt! Like she fucking needs a free parking meter.
And I thought to myself, “PAJAMA CUNT. Must tell Crissy.” So here I am.
Love the fancy new header!
.-= jeannie’s last blog post… Honeycomb Earrings =-.
Glad that the expressions were the result of a fight, I thought it was your impression of American Gothic.
As for the driving, my rule is the driver is in charge. Controls the radio; AC/heat; route; and speed.
Yeaaaahhhhh….I drive like an asshole. I Can’t Help It! Charlie doesn’t like when I drive because he fears for his life but I think I have vampire like reflexes so nobody need worry.
.-= MegKathleen’s last blog post… Slightly Crazy =-.
I do not do well with crazy drivers– I’m kind of a poke myself, but there is NO NEED to pass on the right unless someone is only going like 50 miles an hour.
Then they get mad when someone passes them on the right
RIDICULOUS.
.-= Maxie’s last blog post… Country Roads =-.
Hey Crissy- I’ve read this blog for almost two years, but never commented.
My husband used to suck at driving- we used to fight a lot about it ’cause it was my car he was driving like a crazyman. One day he tried listening to me (on a lark)as I pleaded for my life, and he realized that if he clilled out and drove not-crazy, he was happier and calmer and didn’t hate driving so much. Now he leaves following distance, uses signals and doesn’t try to “punish” other drivers.
Damnit, Ken…that was you on the highway?!? Shit.
Maybe he drives like a crazy man because he’s trying to balance the camera on the dashboard, set the timer, and figure out when you are going to be gone for a few hours so he can go through your closet trying on clothes. That’s a lot to do and keep your eye on the road. Cut the man some slack!
.-= Dingo’s last blog post… My Fat Mouth =-.
thank you dingo.
i knew you would understand me.
My husband does that same shit. Why does he care whether the guy next to him needs over? No honey, that guy is not racing you. He just needs to get off at the next exit and you just made him miss his exit. It infuriates me.
.-= Amie Simmons’s last blog post… Push Present =-.
Was very happy to find this website.I would like to thank you for this good read!! I clearly glad every little bit of it and I have bookmarked to check out new stuff you post.