Either you eat the frosting or you don’t, but I can’t be your friend anymore.

Rachel and I always talk about how there are two kinds of people in this world–those who suck dick and those who do not. And then last night over the phone in a vodka fueled conversation (remind me to go check Melissa’s blog later. I may or may not have left a vodka fueled comment there. I don’t remember. Actually, let me do it now. Hold on a second…actually, it’s fine. I don’t have to kill myself. Today.), we made an addendum to that rule. There are now two more kinds of people in this world, Queefies.

Those who eat frosting, and those who don’t.

I have no use for people who don’t eat the frosting with the cake (unless they are willing to give me their frosting and then I can tolerate them) (maybe).

My mother-in-law and my sister-in-law scrape all the frosting off and just eat the dry cake and when I look at them like they’ve lost their everlovin’ minds, one of them says something like “frosting is too rich for me. It’s too sweet.”

(Did you read that in a prissy voice in your head because that’s how I meant it. If you didn’t, you should go back and re-do it because it’s way better if you crinkle up your nose and do it prissy.)

(See? That was better wasn’t it?)

And just so you know, my mother is a badass.  She just opens up a can of frosting and has at it. No cake required. Fuck the dumb shit.

And don’t get me wrong, Queefies. I love The Marcy and The Cya and everything, but my relationship with them will always be flawed and we’ll never truly understand each other because really?

The Fuck are you eating cake for if you don’t like frosting? Go have an apple, ass. And pass that fucking cake over this way because I can’t stand to watch you mutilate it like that.  Why don’t you just take a shit on it too?

Jeezus.

So tell me Queefies, and be honest.

Do you scrape the frosting off your cake (like a bitch), or do you punch your grandmother in the neck for the corner piece with the rose on it?

(You realize your answer to this question could get you banned from this blog, right?)

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68 comments

  1. I’ve made extra icing before so that I can eat it by itself or add more to my slice. When I buy the cans, I get the BIG ones for the same reason. Frosting rocks!

  2. Cake is frosting’s fork. People who only eat the cake make my ass twitch–except that I can take their frosting (the ONLY redemption for them really). Even Marie Antoinette knew it was a punishment…

    A toast to Crissy’s Mom and all other frosting devotees! *Lifts up tub of breakfast frosting*

  3. Okay—you better NOT ban me….because we’re ‘like this’…..remember?

    I like frosting. Like it. Not love it. UNLESS it is dark chocolate frosting, from a can, of which I can get huge spoonfuls when the need strikes. Which can be often at times.

    The store bought cakes, and fancy decorated ones? Now I’m in the middle with frosting. I don’t like the huge flowers or piping along the edges. It’s greasy sometimes from all the shortning…..and I honestly don’t care for it. I do need SOME frosting on those cakes…so middle pieces do well for me.

    Now, Whacky cake is a different story altogether. The cake itself is so moist, heavy and rich, that frosting is really too much…..so we eat that naked…..

    But that’s the ONLY cake we eat naked. Unless you are talking about US being naked and eating cake, then that may be a different story.

    Now, the hot fudge stuff you get piped onto ice cream cakes and such? BRING IT ON, baby………I’ll eat that by itself…..my mom used to work at baskin robbins and would save all the ‘mistakes’ and edge pieces of cake….and i’d slap some of that fudge on it, and go to town.

  4. Sometimes I don’t eat the cake part, but to skip the frosting it would have to be horseshit. (Example: store-bought sheet cake, chocolate. Gross. The cake will be skipped unless it’s vanilla or marble, but the frosting would still be yum-o!)
    I, Like Crissy’s mother, would eat the frosting out of the can – if I didn’t have a giant growing ass to get under control.

  5. I’ve been reading your stuff for awhile, also over at Toy With Me and think you guys are the tops. This issue with frosting (the word starts looking so weird after reading it so many times in all the comments) is very interesting. I am a lover of the frosting. (Really – I can’t even look at the word anymore.) Whenever we (me & my boyfriend) have cake (which isn’t as often as it should be in life), I tend to sneak the bites in of the middle or the back that has the extra icing (see, I had to use a different word because frosting looks too weird now). Um, PS: I totally have tutu envy. It rocked.

  6. I believe you know me well enough to know the answer to this but in case anyone else cares, what I do is take the frosting off the plates of the frosting scrapers and pile it on my piece of cake and then I eat it until I pass out from sugar overload. Anyone who scrapes frosting must be a Republican.

  7. Frosting eater, hello?! What did you THINK I would do? And if you’re ever having a bad day, put a tub of frosting in the freezer for a couple hours and then have at it. It sooths the wicked inside me.
    .-= k8’s last blog post… Happy Feet Friday =-.

  8. I like frosting, but I like a balance. I don’t like too much or it’s too sweet for me. HOWEVER, my husband prefers the ratio of one tiny crumb of cake to an entire tub of icing. So if I get the rose piece, I just give him the rose. Then the rest of the frosting is mine – the perfect ratio – and he’s happy with the extra icing.

    Please don’t ban me for not liking to eat it right out of the can.

    Pimp, I saw a spider crawl across my freshly-mopped floor last night and couldn’t help but think of you. I’m not sure what this means for my fantasy life, but it’s definitely taking a strange turn these days. 🙂

  9. wow, but then I guess you aren’t going to get many frosting haters when you threaten them with blog exile….

    I can’t do the frosting, usually too sweet and it makes my teeth hurt. Yep, I’m a whiny baby that way. A good moist cake shouldn’t need to be covered in a sugar topping. If you need more sweets you should easily be able to find it elsewhere, especially since you’ve got frosting covered cocks lying around your house.

  10. I make extra frosting to put on my slice(s) of cake. Or to just eat with a spoon. And I will fight you for the corner piece.

  11. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH @ “The Fuck are you eating cake for if you don’t like frosting? Go have an apple, ass. And pass that fucking cake over this way because I can’t stand to watch you mutilate it like that. Why don’t you just take a shit on it too?”

    I ALWAYS want a corner piece (you know…. the ones with the MOST FROSTING and cool little corner decorations with like an inch of frosting). Bitches who don’t eat the frosting, psh!
    .-= Natballs’s last blog post… Am I Lame? =-.

  12. I totally eat that shit right out the can with a SPOON- I’m the asshole that took a small test sample of the icing off the cake when no one was looking.. and when I make my OWN icing (which is absolutely friggin MARVELOUS)- I put myself into a sugar coma.

    I’d knife not only my grandmother, but probably my own CHILD for the piece with the icing. If I had another personality- I’d knife MYSELF!!

    I seriously want some cake and icing now… with ice cream!!
    .-= PottyMouthMommy’s last blog post… Yes… I know I’m late… =-.

  13. Ohhh, I love the frosting but sometimes, just sometimes, you get a cake at work for someone’s birthday and they get the frosting with flowers that are tinted with something that tastes totally like licking the bottom of someones foot and then the whole experience goes down the drain. I’m very skittish about frosting flowers lately.

  14. I eat the frosting, but I want to add an offshoot of this list: the person who says any dessert is “too rich for me.”

    This person also deserves whatever bad things happen to her or him.
    .-= Melissa Lion’s last blog post… Yeti Pot =-.

  15. Gina – Frosting in the microwave? That’s just genius.

    When I see a cake smothered in creamy, rich, velvety frosting I just want to stick my face in it and start licking. Forget the fork, cause I’m going in and it won’t be pretty folks, oh no.
    .-= toywithme’s last blog post… I Am A Cougar In Training =-.

  16. I not only eat my cake with frosting, I eat it with porn. Sometimes, I get so excited, I add my own frosting to the cake.

    Wait. By “frosting,” have you meant “jizz” all along? I will have to reread the post now. And the comments, too!
    .-= stoogepie’s last blog post… CSI: Stoogetown =-.

  17. I’m not big on what a caterer sarcastically referred to as “American Buttercream”–that nasty Crisco and sugar mess that gets waxed onto most store-bought sheet cakes. I’ll eat it but it doesn’t excite me. But if someone makes a proper ganache, for example? Yeah, *slobber*… yeah….
    .-= LA Cochran’s last blog post… Assorted Flotsam =-.

  18. When I make my awesome cupcakes, there is usually twice as much frosting as cupcake.

    And it’s ALWAYS, ALWAYS the women who are teeny, tiny things who had to be cajoled into having cake at all that scrape off the frosting (at least in my experience) and so, I figure “what the heck?” and ask if I can have the frosting they scraped off. No sense in it going to waste. I’ve been known to pass on pieces of cake until a corner piece comes along just for the extra bit of frosting.

    My frosting of choice? A nice chocolate buttercream.

    And CP? I started the relationship with one of my (now ex) husbands by taking a big scoop of frosting from a tub o’ frosting and applying it to the inside of his thigh and then licking it off (it was a party, there was much frosting being applied to body parts and licked off). I followed it up by having a dozen roses delivered to him the next day… ahhh, sweet romance.
    .-= MsDarkstar’s last blog post… Oh yeah, I remember alarm clocks… =-.

  19. This reminds me of the time I saw someone grab a handful of oreos out of the bag (my bag, mind you) and scrape out the middles. The icing was too sweet for them. Bitch, put down the oreos!!!

  20. i cannot in good conscience allow this post to go without a single mention of cakefarts:

    http://cakefarts.com/

    no, it is not work safe, but by now you should expect that from me–just assume everything i post is NWS unless notified otherwise.

    for those of you who are impatient, things get going around the 1 minute mark.

  21. I’ll fight my way to a corner piece. (except for that cheap whip cream frosting. That stuff sucks. If it’s cream cheese frosting, I’ll sell my soul to gypsies for a spoonful). Who ever doesn’t like frosting can go fuck themselves for all I care, because honestly, I think they’re liars.

    And I am not friend with liars.
    .-= Dolce’s last blog post… Rockin a Gaga =-.

  22. Oh my god…that was disturbing…I’m curious to know how she managed that? Did she eat a pound of beans before taping this?

  23. Keep the cake! I’m a frosting gal, myself. Corner pieces are mine by right and I will fight to the death anyone that tries to claim them — yeah, that’s right, I want ALL four corners. An octagon cake would be even better!
    .-= Dingo’s last blog post… My Fat Mouth =-.

  24. We just went to the grocery store and we stopped in the baking aisle……where I bought a tub of frosting for the kids to spread on cookies, crackers, etc. Ummm, ummm, good. I can’t wait till the kids take a nap, cause I plan on opening the new can of frosting and eating some when they fall asleep.

  25. Eating a cake without frosting is like trying to eat a flour tortilla while hungover… it could very well kill you.

    The only cake that should be eaten without frosting is the elusive BUNDT cake and I’m pretty sure you have to be 80 years old and smell like urine and afghans to fully appreciate the BUNDT cake.
    .-= Miss Spoken’s last blog post… Stranger Danger, Popcorn and Rape Whistles =-.

  26. We’re good, Crissy, I love frosting, particularly the cream cheese kind, and the buttercream kind and the whipped cream kind.

  27. I have to admit I go both ways on this issue. The Crisco-based stuff on store-bought cakes is usually too sweet for me and I go for a middle piece or scrape off the flowers, so I eat it but not too much. Plus, I won’t buy canned frosting (too many chemicals in it).
    ON THE OTHER HAND….when I make my own frosting—just butter, sugar, vanilla, with cream cheese or chocolate–I can’t get enough. A significant portion stays in the bowl rather than going on the cake, for my personal enjoyment.
    So what’s the verdict? Am I kicked off for being a frosting snob? (Noooooooooooo…)

  28. Holy crap 54 comments! Two of the things I can’t get enough of, frosting and sex and on a good night one can have them together

  29. Crissy, this is a lot of comments! You obviously need to feature cake and porn in more of your posts!

    I knew cake got me horny, but I didn’t realize it got everyone else all hot in the crotch, too.
    .-= stoogepie’s last blog post… CSI: Stoogetown =-.

  30. OMG. I know. I used to get this many comments all the time, but then I started to suck but now I’M BACK BABY!

    Do you think I can talk about porn and cake every day Stoogie?

    I hope so.

  31. “The Fuck are you eating cake for if you don’t like frosting? Go have an apple, ass. And pass that fucking cake over this way because I can’t stand to watch you mutilate it like that. Why don’t you just take a shit on it too?”

    I’ve had it out over frosting many a time, because really?? How in hell can a desert be too sweet?? LMAO!! I’m not much for commenting, but I must say, that was the best post i’ve ever read. Ever. Long Live The Queen!

  32. Damn I got in here late…

    OK, seriously? What the hell is cake? Ooooo…it’s that stuff that keeps frosting on the fork!!

    I want a corner piece with a flower, damnit!!!

    And by the way, if the frosting is “too sweet” for you, then just pass on the damn piece of cake and leave it for the rest of us frosting eating queefs!! We deserve it…cuz we are awesome and you suck cuz you don’t like frosting!!!

  33. Wait wait wait…. I can eat frosting on a cake and not from the family size tub of Betty Crocker? Seriously, dry cake and no frosting? I usually eat the frosting and then steal it from my kids cake as well.
    .-= igster101’s last blog post… Why? =-.

  34. “I have no use for people who don’t eat the frosting with the cake”

    This whole conversation is a metaphor for swallowing, right?

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