I MAY HAVE HAD the PMS last week when I did this but it made me feel really good inside my heart and if any of you fuckers call the police on me so help me Jesus I will ban you from this blog.

You know how when you come out of Target and some ass clown has parked a Porsche SUV sofuckingclose to your car that you don’t know how he/she managed to get out of the driver’s side door, and you realize there’s no way you’re going to get your baby carrier back into your car unless you violently and with great force open the door and smash the shit out of the Porsche SUV’s door because your car is old and you don’t give a fuck anyway because you’re a total badass and then you struggle and fight to cram your baby seat into your car and the baby’s eyes are are open super wide and she’s all “what’s happening to my chair?” and you finally get it in there but OH NO!

The pretty paint on the Porsche seems to be damaged.

Huh.

It’s a shame, really.

And then, just in case you were going to miss an opportunity to really stick it to the ass monkey, you might have no place to put your gum after you’ve finished with it and so maybe you stick it under the door handle.

Maybe.

Or maybe you just wish you had a piece of gum because that’s what you’d do with it if you did, which maybe you don’t and so you make a mental note to always have gum from now on.

And maybe you’re so fucking fed up with people being assholes that you drive all the way home feeling pretty satisfied that you just showed one of them what’s what (sort of).  And maybe you even had some fantasies  about what you’d do if they came out to their car whilst you were struggling with your baby seat, and maybe you felt sad that you never took those Ninjitsu classes like you always wanted because you know a ninja would never put up with that shit and so you make another note to become a ninja because it’s up to us to teach them, Queefies.

One dicklicking cuntburger at a time.

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41 comments

  1. Hey, very nice change from third person to… um… second person … with of course first person singular in the post title.

    I agree on writing about oneself in the third person. It’s kind of exhausting. It takes a while to readjust, but I think it makes one’s writing more true and real. And besides, your fans will read every word and love every word, you know it’s true!

    xxx!
    .-= expateek’s last blog post… National Poetry Day =-.

  2. You should always carry a permanent marker with you for times like these. Sharpies in gold metallic and black usually do the trick no matter what the paint color, and you can always write on the windshield. While you were squeezing the baby seat in, Girlfriend could have been painting a masterpiece!

    Also, it only takes a second to remove the rubber from a windshield wiper.

    Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe. He holds air hostage.
    .-= stoogepie’s last blog post… CSI: Stoogetown =-.

  3. So many ideas here, my brain is on overload. And I may or may not have had fantasies about bondage with Chuck Norris. I’m just saying. He may not be all sexy, but the man knows how to do things.
    .-= k8’s last blog post… Stay Put. And Enjoy It. =-.

  4. I had an incident like this over the weekend. We could barely slide our van door open that’s how close some ass decided to park. So they got a note: Nice parking job turd.

  5. This happens to us all the time. I always say, if it’s a nice car parked close to us, they do it because they think we’d be scared to touch/scratch such a nice car. And if it’s a shitmobile, they do it because they don’t give a rat’s ass what happens. Either way, they’re assholes who deserve dog shit under the door handle and rubber cement under their tires.
    .-= SoMi’s Nilsa’s last blog post… Inspiration =-.

  6. PLEASE don’t take this the wrong way. I may be going out on a limb here; and the fact that Mr. has not commented I think confirms my suspicion, but maybe, just maybe, the PMS has not fully left your body yet. May I suggest some nice wine and chocolates?

  7. I may or may not have dome something sort of similar about five or so years ago, because some inconsiderate dingleberry had to pull their car to within a nanometer of my rear bumper and I quite possibly climbed on top of their hood to load my groceries into the back of the truck and all the time I did this it is possible that I made sure the bottoms of my shoes were extra gritty and I could have even did a quick pirouette or three on their hood for good measure.

    Anyway, I say good on you, and that’s why you are my Queen.
    .-= Mr. POSSLQ’s last blog post… Sunday Coffee: Comfort Zones and How To Step Out Of Them =-.

  8. oh, and one more thing…Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

  9. A good ninja might keep a small tube of toothpaste in the glove compartment of their car (ninjamobile?). That way they don’t have to wait while they chew some gum to put under the door handle, they can just squirt some toothpaste up there. You can also write helpful messages on the hood with it. And it works well in the winter time as well, gum tends to not stick as well during a New England winter.

    *or so I’ve heard*

  10. I’m surprised Homie-Slice didn’t go all badass on that Porsche and do some real damage. I get doubly mad at these sorts of things when I realize the only way they opened their door was to slam it into my car. My car may not be all that and a bag of chips, asshat, but it’s mine and I like it dent free and without your asshole paint on it.

    I love the gum/toothpaste idea and may or may not have to try it out soon.

  11. Personally, I prefer to let the cart do it. “Oh, I’m Sooo sorry! I can’t believe I let the cart get away from me like that!”

    However, some caution…Target, does in fact, have cameras in their lots. I worked for Target for 7 (yes, seven) years while I was switching majors a bajillion times in college, before settling into something that has a degree that is absolutely useless.

  12. Asshats that park too close to me always get a nice little post-it.

    Also, Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. It’s descendants are known today as giraffes.

  13. Well, it’s not exactly like you could just strap Homeslice’s seat to the roof or something. Hopefully they have learned now not to park so fkng close.

    And if it wouldn’t involve having to touch it with your hands, there may have been some diaper offerings under their doorhandle in this scenario had it been me.
    .-= MsDarkstar’s last blog post… Re-Prioritizing =-.

  14. can’t homeslice puke on cue yet? because i would definitely have accidentally left puke all down the side of their car. MAYBE. hypothetically.

    chuck norris frequently donates blood at the red cross. just not his own.
    .-= Alice’s last blog post… halloween two-fer =-.

  15. I hope you had a big sticky wad of juicy wet gum to put under that handle.

    However, I’m jealous that you live in a neighborhood where people actually drive new cars, let along a new Porsche!

    Can I come visit?? I drive an 11 year old Escort (2-door)

  16. I hope you use this because it is awesome. In L.A. there are so many dickbags that close-park that I have become a pro at retaliation. Not only do I open my car with more force than necessary, I leave a note on the windshield that reads as follows.

    “You park like an asshole, nice and tight!”

    I cannot tell you the satisfaction it gives me every time.
    .-= Dorothea’s last blog post… Mmm, Mmm, Gross! =-.

  17. I never carry gum with me, but I’ve had this same problem (only it’s my great big knocked-up tummy which prevents me from squeezing in). I will carry gum with me from now on. And maybe Vaseline (for the windows, yes?).
    .-= chickenlips’s last blog post… much of the same =-.

  18. You know, Im a 19 year old full time college student. And I have a 2 door coupe, so naturally my doors swing very wide. I try to park perfectly everywhere I go, even at school where they just dont seem to care hardly at all. But you get those idiots who whip it in there like they dont give a rats behind. So, I figure if you dont give a crap about how you parked…. why should I care about taking off a little paint trying to get in or out of my 2 door coupe?

  19. i have a small tool that will REMOVE the center cartridge from a schrader valve. removing that cartridge makes the tire completely unable to hold any air whatsoever. it takes about 30 seconds to remove it.

    aaa trucks MIGHT have replacement valves, but the tech would have to look for a missing valve, and it’s not something that occurs naturally.

    the best part is that the tool is tiny so you can keep it on your keychain. 🙂

  20. That is awesome! I’ve done the same thing a few times. Pricks. Why do they need to park so close?? Mister, I definitely need one of those tools.

  21. Thanks Pimp! Those will come in handy. There are some real ass hats here in town and I think this is exactly how I shall deal with them.

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