my wife is…

hey folks, it’s the pimp.

it’s not often i poke my head in here, mostly because crissy does such an excellent job.  to be honest i don’t know how she comes up with half of what she comes up with, day after day, week after week, month after month.

i wouldn’t blame her if she totally burned out and walked away from blogging once and for all.  i’d be sad, because i actually DO like reading her work, and i especially enjoy the comments, but i would understand.

before anyone gets upset–THAT IS NOT HAPPENING. at least as far as i know!

what IS happening though is she’s getting run down. she’s getting frustrated. not by anything to do with any of you fine queefs, or this blog even. she’s getting frustrated by her LIFE. in particular, her life as a mommy.

how can you NOT be frustrated by it? i mean, there’s a REASON why so many “professionals” have eschewed having kids–they fucking SUCK! they’re a tremendous drain on resources: time, money, affection, laundry detergent, diapers, paper towels. everything is a goddamned PRODUCTION– hell, even going to the store for a 6 pack of beer takes planning and provisions… and this is coming from the lackadaisical parent.

you all already knew that, and this is hardly news.

i got off the phone a few minutes ago and my dear wife told me that she felt like a loser because she couldn’t make a blog post today. i said, maybe you should post about that? she said, “i don’t even have time to do that!” and she told me how she had a blowout with girlfriend while dropping her off at school because GF insisted on a package of string cheese right as they were walking out the door, and then once that was done, had to go right over to target to pick up some supplies, and how the front hall closet smells like ass because one of the teachers at the preschool stashed girlfriend’s unfinished milk container in an odd pocket of the backpack, which slowly leaked rotten milk over the last 5 days, and how she’d been puked on multiple times already today…

i just about started crying myself.

(well not really because i’m wicked tough, but if i was more emo i would have.)

it was at that moment when i thought to myself, “i’ll post SOMETHING on her blog today,” just to keep things moving, and a dialog open. i wanted to tell the people who comment to my wife, “i don’t know how you do it all,” that sometimes she CAN’T do it all. and it’s all fucking right. life goes on. we tend to the things we must, and we circle the wagons, and we lick our wounds, and every once in a while you jump up out of bed feeling brand new and ready to toss a cumshot on the face of the world.

the thing is, those days just don’t come when you’re having a period, letting a baby hang off your nipples every 3 hours, fighting off a flu shot, trying to clean up DIY cheese from the folds and pockets of a hello kitty backpack, waiting for your husband to come home from work so YOU can go to work until 8pm.

in fact, under those circumstances, those days might as well never exist in the first place.

under those circumstances you can’t muster a jovial face and tell your bloggy friends how funny it is, because it’s not fucking funny. and of course you reflect all the shit inside, and you get embarrassed, and you wonder if you’re cut out for this–for ANY of this–because it’s such a battle, and it doesn’t let up for a moment, and it grinds you down until there’s nothing left.

before this turns into even more of an unreadibly long and dire post, i have to say this: she gets so much back from you guys, and i think that’s the part that she feels worst about–that somehow she’s letting the queefs down. so tell her how you feel because hell, i’m her husband, and she knows i’m gonna say nice things anyway so it doesn’t really count.

plus i’m a cross-dressing dickhead who seizes command of other people blogs, so WTF do i know?

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  1. She is lucky that you understand and have some sympathy for her. It sucks when you feel that way and your DH is like “well that is life deal with it.” Having had the exact same thing happen to me with milk and backpacks, I have discovered that you can toss them in the washing machine on gentle cycle and the design shouldn’t get messed up. Have her give me a call. I have been ventng enough to her lately, I have an ear to lend.

  2. Hey Chrissy,

    I stumbled across your blog a year or so ago, immediately put you in the bookmarks, and have read you every day since. You make me laugh out loud! You brighten my day with all the sunshine and shit. As a nurse, I need that. Also, you are hot.
    Your devoted Queefe
    Sarah in Portland OR

  3. Hi Pimp….Hi Crissy—-I feel like you do sometimes, and I don’t have infant/toddler children to contend with.

    I also don’t keep my house tidy like you do… one may wonder WHY does Perfectly feel that way?

    I sure as hell don’t know….it’s not right, I suppose, but it’s HARD working, dealing with kids, boss’s, football, dinner, dishes, pets, what cleaning does get done, parents, MONEY, and everything else.

    So, I totally get you…you aren’t a loser……you are a frazzled mom/wife/employee.

    I get that. Totally.

    Oh, and when you get a sec….call me….we can chat…oh…and I’d also like you to check to see if your library has a book I want…..oh…..and……

    hahahahahaha…that was a joke. No need to go into meltdown mode. I was kidding, really.

  4. Hang in there, Crissy. It only gets worse.


    I do look forward to reading your words daily, here and on the other blog. However, life comes first and our amusement can wait if the QOFE is considering duct taping both of her children to chairs or something. It’s understandable.

    Your awesomeness knows no boundaries, and can in fact, linger on your posts for days on end, so if you skip a few, it’s okay. They still radiate your greatness.

    One of your loyal and devoted Queefs
    .-= RHz’s last blog post… This message brought to you by bad karma =-.

  5. Hi Crissy! Heya Mister!

    First, incredibly cool post, Mister. It isn’t often that the husband seems to “get” that sometimes being a wife and mother (plus someone’s employee) can suck ass.

    Second…I would like to slap the shit out of the people who have preached to women that they can “have it all”. When women try to do everything and end up not being able to keep up they feel like crap. What utter bullshit. There aren’t enough hours in a day to “have it all” all the time. No one (especially Crissy) should feel bad about not being able to be Superwoman 24/7/365. How do I know that? Because I tried being wife, mother, employee, saviour and I couldn’t fkng do it. It broke me to a point that I did something that most women would find absolutely unthinkable. And I only had one kid. (And no, I didn’t kill anyone).

    I wish I lived closer so that I could come give Crissy a hand. And I mean that very sincerely. And that says something because I am really, really not all about the kiddos, but I’d come wrangle Homeslice and Girlfriend so Crissy could lock herself in the bathroom and soak in the tub and read smutty books or, ya know, take a freakin’ NAP. Seriously, if there is anything I CAN do to help out, please let me know. Ummm, just don’t leave us, Crissy, ok?
    ::HUGE HUGS::
    .-= MsDarkstar’s last blog post… Weird (mental) Programming =-.

  6. oh crissy! you are wonderful and have an amazing rack and we are your devoted queefs no matter how often you blog. i have been so impressed that you’ve still been writing every day, even with a wee little boob-sucker around all the time – no clue how you’ve been doing it all. you’re fantastico.
    .-= Alice’s last blog post… tuesday: OVER IT. =-.

  7. I love Crissy. Even on her uninspired days. She’s funny, partly because she’s so honest about life. Oh and she cusses a lot, which helps. You tell Crissy that she needs to go on a blog vacation immediately. Sign up some guest posters or let it go dark. Whatever. But, she needs to take a step back from the pressure. And once her blog vacation is over, tell her to take a vacation from Girlfriend. Clearly, GF is old enough to care for herself.
    .-= SoMi’s Nilsa’s last blog post… Listed =-.

  8. Thank you Crissy and Mister for the entertainment you provide us all with. One of my favorite things is reading this blog and looking at Mister’s pictures on his photo blog. I have always thought about how much work all this must be along with the kids, daily life stuff, work,etc. Kudos Mister for getting it and helping out. Crissy should take all the time she needs to regroup. We will still be here for her. Can’t abandon the Queen. Hang in there you two and again thank you both for the entertainment. Life would be boring without you.

  9. Wait, Crissy is supposed to be funny? I thought this was a blog just for bitching, that’s why I send my friends here. A good dose of why life sucks always helped them.

    Actually, a slow in posts is expected now – for her to get pissy and assign you to posting is just a reminder of how much she is in control. Posting daily is hard, posting good shit daily is near impossible – you’ve been bucking the odds for a while, it’s ok to take break or post a general non-funny post….

  10. I like the input, Crissy’s Pimp. It was a fresh little treat (in a non-sexual way) from

    [hold on I’m wiping baby drool off my arm]

    I’ve often wondered how Crissy balances a kid, a baby, a job, a husband, a blog, and running a household.

    No matter how bad you suck IRL, Crissy, from my point of view you do it AMAZING!
    .-= Natballs’s last blog post… Chiclephobia =-.

  11. I’m guessing she’s actually still hung over from the wild weekend of partying. But if you want we can pretend she has a real life just like the rest of us (but that makes me sad in my tummy (but not too sad cause we’re only pretending after all)).

    And I’m putting some fresh milk in the mail now for you!!!!

  12. Mister, you rock. Most husbands wouldn’t understand or even try to help when their wives are stressing out. Mine sure as hell doesn’t. Crissy…I really can’t imagine how you do everything you do. You’re amazing! Parties, kids, work, blogs….you’re amazing! I only have one kid and two dogs and I stay home (during this pregnancy at least) and I could never try to keep up with you. You really, really rock.

    We’re all losers trying to do the best we can. I’ll be the first to admit I screw up and feel like I fail on a daily basis. Take a break, relax and have a drink (or 8) we’ll all be here when you get back.

  13. Wow, you two are too cute! I adore the both of you! And yes, take a break if you need to, cuz the internet will still be there, waiting for you, whenever you come back. I think if you step away for a couple of minutes, you’ll notice that it feels quite restful. It’s too easy to put too much pressure on yourself… which nobody needs. Relax, chill, you have the whole rest of your lives to be FAMOUS BLOGGERS/PHOTOGRAPHERS — but maybe today, tomorrow, this week, right now, just regular old humans.
    .-= expateek’s last blog post… National Poetry Day =-.

  14. Nice post Mister.

    Perhaps this is an opportunity to go back and read old posts?
    Last week I was completely worthless and wiped out with the flu, and luckily The Husband took care of the monkeys, so I slept and read through your blog beginnings. Oh, and I am still patiently waiting for Islamicize…seriously. 🙂

    Hoping you come back when your good and ready. I’ll be patiently waiting.

  15. CP-I heart you.

    crissy–I heart you MORE! we need a date soon…i’d be your wet nurse if I could…i’d even put down my glass of wine to do it!

  16. Great post Pimp!

    Please tell Ms. Crissy that she does an AWESOME job with this blog and I’m pretty sure as a mom, wife and pretty much all around fine and gorgeous human being. Please also give her big, big hugs from me.
    .-= Marie’s last blog post… THAT Flu =-.

  17. pimp, you’re one great husband.
    chrissy, i read your blog every day and you never ever stop making me laugh. i don’t comment all of the time, but i get excited every time you post something new. i admire you on so many levels- for being such an amazing, kickass, sassy and sexy mother, for being a wonderful wife, and for making peoples’ days better just by being you.
    take a break, recharge, and don’t worry about us here! we’ll be here whenever you’re ready to come back!

  18. I don’t know how ANY working mommy blogger does it. I don’t have any children and sometimes I still get overwhelmed. Kudos.

    Wish there was a way to do a slow clap via the internet.
    .-= Maxie’s last blog post… Nano =-.

  19. Seriously Crissy…you are entitled to a day off. I mean I know how much I love reading your blog every day, and I know how sad I would be if you were to do the unthinkable and quit posting, but everyone deserves a day or two off every now and again. Seriously…you can only juggle so much. I know that you are the QOFE, but you are still human…even queens need to rest…I mean why else would they make queen size beds…tell me that.

  20. Hang in there! Motherhood is the most important job in the world with some of the highest costs, but some of the best rewards. The fact that you are having a rough time right now only goes to show what a wonderful job you are doing. Kids are the defination of frustration. Realize that all the effort you and Mr. are putting in now will be paid back 100 times in the very near future. I know because my wife and I have 3 outstanding kids and were right where you are now. Take some time to take care of yourself. Your loyal queefs are all adults and will be here for you now and in the future.

  21. you guys rock. somehow **I** even feel better reading these comments…

    the LEAST i can do is try to understand and sympathize with my wife. i don’t always succeed, and it often frustrates my “guy-ness” since i can’t really FIX anything or SOLVE anything, which is my nature. it has taken me all 35 years to realize that women (or at least, THIS woman) really need someone to empathize with them every once in a while, and just listen.

    even as i type this, my left-brain is left saying, WTF? but the right-brain is seeing the light.

    in a way, having a blog is like having a child: you put in ridiculous amounts of resources, you help it grow, protect it, give it love, and then–ultimately–you set it free and hope it doesn’t leave you to rot in a nursing home.

    this is all my way of saying “thanks, motherfuckers.”

  22. Crissy and Pimp, I heart you both so very much. I feel like the crazy stalker person, which I’ve told you before. You don’t know me and in reality, I don’t know you guys. But I really heart you. I wish I lived closer so I could know you in real life 🙂

    Pimp, I wish there was some way to bottle up the awesomeness you’ve shown here and sell it to other husbands. I love mine very much, but it also takes him a while to recognize when I’m feeling like Crissy is right now. I’m also currently completely overwhelmed and he’s out of town. It’s interesting to me how many of my friends are in this situation – perhaps it’s going round like the swine flu?? At least this time, like you, my hub was quick to catch on and love all over me.

    Crissy, it’s okay. I know everyone keeps saying that, but it’s true. It’s really okay. We all love and respect you, and we’ll be here when you’re feeling okay again. Pinky swear.

  23. Crissy and Pimp, we all fell your pain, so don’t worry about it, we love you, and if you miss a day or two, we will still love you. Keep on keeping on, you’re doing great.

  24. Long time reader…first time commenter….

    I LUV LUV LUV this blog!! I am a new mom and I heart swearing and bitching and the occasional drink (or 10). This blog makes me feel normal, not like I should be all Suzy-homemaker and shit. I have an 8 month old baby and its so. freaking. hard. I can’t imagine doing it all over again, with a older kid too. Mad props.

    And mad props to Mister. The day I got my first period after baby I also got the flu shot and I felt so fucking sick from both. It also happened to be baby daddy’s birthday, so instead of sending me to bed when he got home, like a good boy, he sat on the couch and got drunk on a bunch of beer all night while I tried not to puke on the baby. Usually he is a pretty good guy, and I get that it was his birthday, but that still was a massive FAIL on his part.

    But this is about you…give yourself a break. You don’t have to be all Kate Gosselin-y Type A for us all the time. We get it. Thanks for making me feel like less of a crappy mom!!

  25. That was really nice, Mister. You are one understanding hubs.
    I have to admit, while reading your blog, Crissy, that I felt like a bit of loser! I’d think…check this hot shit out, she’s got it all together…you’re so perrrty, you work, nurse (I failed miserably at that!), you’re all sexxy…yadda, yadda. I thought maybe your were on the meth, or something. (j/k) [Mother/wife/housekeeper/employee/chef]hood can really suck stinky ass sometimes. More often than not in my case. I can’t handle nearly as much as you do. Take a break. You make me laugh and wanna sex myself up a bit. Pull Homeslice off your boob, kick GF off your leg, and snuggle up with your awesome hubby. Hugs.

  26. Crissy, I love your blog!!!! (Secret: I always check your blog first. That’s how much I love it. Srsly.)

    You are incredible and beautiful and witty and clever, and we are all just lucky to have you in our little blogger worlds. Which means that you can do whatever the hell you want with your blog, and post or not post as frequently as you want, and I, WE will not look a gift horse in the mouth, and we will be happy with what we are given.

    And also, Mister sounds like a pretty wonderful husband. That is awesome. And you are awesome. Don’t forget it.
    .-= Lost Artist’s last blog post… Announcement for my DC peeps =-.

  27. Poor Crissy. I’m always amazed and delighted that I get a post from you in my inbox just about every single day, and every one makes me laugh. You bring a lot of smiles into the world; and I have no idea how you do it along with taking care of your family and job. Take a break if you need to; we’ll certainly be here when you get back.

  28. Crissy, you deserve a break, caring for two kids; working; keeping up a house and looking after the pimp is enough to bring anyone down.

    Your archives are full of enough gems to keep is entertained while you recharge.

    Pimp if I was more like you I would still be married.

  29. OMG, only a man would say this:

    “every once in a while you jump up out of bed feeling brand new and ready to toss a cumshot on the face of the world.”

    And i THOUGHT only my man said such things all the time, but THANK GOD, there are other awesomes out there dealing w/ the same thing!!!

    Dear Crissy: You rock my world and obviously you rock SO MANY others worlds simultaneously!!
    You big role model you!! Go on wit your bad self and take care of ur family and most importantly YOURSELF biznitch.
    .-= Melissa!!!’s last blog post… Not dead yet! =-.

  30. Hey QOFE, you’re awesome…really, you are!!! take a break, your loyal queefs will be waiting.

    PS, you’re really lucky to have such a loving, understanding pimp!

  31. Oh, boyo…this one brought me out of lurkdom…

    Hang on Crissy! Take care of you and then the Pimp, I say it in this order because taking care of the girls is part of you and you can do it on auto pilot!

    Separate home from work. At home everone above boobie level, concentrate on enjoying; hug, kiss, cuddle and love on. Everyone below boobie level get on the floor and enjoy the MOMENT of them!!(Put your brain in neutral and just ENJOY!!) At work, enjoy every second you can find at your ‘job’, and RELAX!! Pimp has the homelife undercontrol while you are there!! And let him continue with blogdom for a few too! Take one step, one hour, one day at a time and everything ends up smoothing out and flowing back together!

    And as everyone says…we’ll all be here!

    (ps and Pimp…keep being you and plug on in your normal fashion!! Our Queen does appreciate her loyal subjects!!)

  32. Sorry I’m late to this post, I took some time off to sleep for a few days and lounge on the couch watching TV during the day and partying with my friends at night. It was really relaxing! Hahahahahaha — just kidding.

    Anywaaaay, Pimp, please tell Crissy that not posting every day is OKAY! Why put that pressure on herself? Every other day is fine. But no longer than that! I need my Crissy fix.
    .-= Dingo’s last blog post… I’m Totally RAD =-.

  33. ooohh Crissy….don’t worry about the silly blog. We all love hearing what you have to say, but we’re hypnotized by you and will wait for you to feel better. Take care of yourself…we’ll wait, promise.
    .-= chickenlips’s last blog post… plans =-.

  34. I came across this blog about a year ago when the blogging contests were going on. Like another commenter I immediately bookmarked it. Your posts make me laugh and it’s the first thing I come to every morning. I know and understand completely how Crissy feels. There’s no shame in that! Crissy needs some time to herself to recoup and push away the crazy before it comes out full force. And if it does, oh well. Everyone is entitled to a blow out every once in a while. And all your loyal queefs will wait for you!

  35. CP, nice job stepping in, that was a very caring and sensitive thing that you did.

    Crissy, you owe Ken a hummer. Stat.

    In all seriousness reading the post made me thing back to when we had a young child and the feelings of helplessness that sometimes seemed to overwhelm us. It can be a real bitch to deal with.

    The rancid closet isn’t important, nor is the blogging if it brings undo pressure. All that matters is that you are happy.
    .-= Mr. Toy With Me’s last blog post… I Think Police Are Sexy =-.

  36. I’ll come out of lurking to comment today, too!

    As a busy Mom myself, it amazes me that you find time to blog as much as you do! So do it when you can, and I know I’ll just keep checking in when I can. (Sometimes I don’t get here for a week- but all the better, cause there are multiple blogs to read!!) Yours is the only blog I check in, because I can relate to what you’re up to–except your life is way funnier and more exciting than mine these days! 🙂

    Hope you’re finding a bit of time for yourself… Now I’m off to check off your Toy With Me for the day!

  37. Nice post, Pimp. You are totally right about that cumshot on the face of the world thing. Some days I wake up and the world is just kneeling there, mouth open, head tilted back, begging for my wad. But, you know, sometimes not.

    But, serious, Crissy, if you think you have it so hard, consider my life. I had to get a haircut yesterday. And the day before that, I probably had to do something, too. I just can’t remember what. So you are not the only one who feels overwhelmed sometimes.

    I will go jerk off to your other post on the sex toy site now.
    .-= stoogepie’s last blog post… CSI: Stoogetown =-.

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