This post is about Lynne not buying candles and why Girlfriend will grow up to be illiterate because of it.

Conversation with Lynne about Girlfriend’s school fundraiser:

Lynne: How was your weekend?

Crissy: Fine. You have to buy a candle from my kid’s school fundraiser so she can learn how to write with like, real paper and pencils instead of scratching letters into the carpet with her fingernails.

Lynne: I’ll buy a fucking candle; I’m not buying from anyone else so consider yourself privileged.

Crissy: Thanks for buying a fucking candle.  My kid won’t be illiterate now because of your generous candle buying.

Lynne: Where are said candles?

Crissy: Catalog on break room table.

Lynne: Oh ok.  I shall purchase one tomorrow.  If it stinks, your ass is grass.

Crissy: If the candles stink, I’m giving it to you as a Secret Santa gift. You better hope I don’t pick you this year because that’s what you’re getting. If my kid grows up to be illiterate, it’s your fault.

Lynne: I said I’d buy one.  I’m even going to get a $15 one so shut off.

Crissy: You’re only buying ONE? I’m beginning to question your level of devotion to me.

Lynne: I have candles coming out my eyeballs at home.  I have a kid in college, man.  Cut me some slack.

Crissy: Fine.

Lynne: If I buy two I won’t be able to pay my mortgage; do you want that on your conscience?

Crissy: I don’t care about your problems.

Lynne: I thought not.

Crissy: I just looked at an entry in the catalog that said Depression Pottery and I thought “Who makes pottery when they’re depressed?” and then I realized it meant Depression ERA Pottery. I think I may be the victim of zombification, which, as you know is a real problem at this time of year.

Lynne: Depression Pottery; you make it then you break it and slit your wrists with it.

Crissy: Depression Pottery: Healthier than Vodka Sodas.

Crissy would tell you more about what happened after that, but it’s too much.  There’s a lot that goes on at the library, obviously.  And since nobody is probably going to comment on this because what is there to comment on, really, Crissy will include Lynne’s suggestion for Mister’s Halloween costume which took Crissy forever to find this morning, but when she doesn’t want to find it, it comes up by accident like in front of Girlfriend who saw it and said “hahahahaha!  She’s kissing a PENIS!” and it made Crissy want to die a little bit:

There’s nothing like a precocious four-year-old to put Crissy’s rather impressive screen minimizing skills to the test, Queefies.  Come to think of it, maybe Crissy doesn’t want Girlfriend to learn how to read.  Around here, that would probably be a very bad thing.

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23 comments

  1. I’m going to attempt to establish similar relationships with my colleagues. I’ll keep you posted on developments once I tell them to shove off unless they’re doing stuff that benefits me.

    Stay tuned.
    .-= Ben’s last blog post… No Ordinary Video Day =-.

  2. I have two kids bringing home those damn fundraisers. I never like much because it’s always identical to last years catalog. I wanted to burn their packets with those bullshitty gifts for selling level 1 or level 3 or whatever. I no longer bother grandma with the boring crap till the much better “Coke” fundraiser starts. *sniff* 😉
    .-= Akilah Sakai’s last blog post… I’ve learned that in order for me to put ANYTHING coherent from pen to paper, I need to be sedated. =-.

  3. We gave up on school fundraisers and just gave the schools checks for $25. The schools don’t get much back from the companies anyway and since I don’t work I don’t have coworkers to hit up.

  4. I’m with Valerie. Whenever a kid asks me to buy something, I just write the school a check for ten bucks. Throws them off.

    And I don’t know what to be for Halloween this year.
    .-= k8’s last blog post… Shower Thoughts =-.

  5. I’m glad I didn’t say anything embarassing in our conversation yesterday. There are privacy laws you know. Jeez. Anyway, I still don’t have my checkbook so I still can’t buy a candle today. I’m sorry your child will be illiterate. Also, did you get a chance to smell all the candles yet? Remember I asked you to smell all of them and them describe them to me. Get on that.

  6. There’s nothing more degrading than having to beg people to buy crap they don’t need to help raise monies for something. I did a lot of that in high school and beyond. Now at work, they hit us all up for more crap. Problem is there are a lot of people here with kids and even $10 to each one is a lot. Plus when do I get mine? I mean, I keep shelling out and without kids of my own to bug them back, what am I really getting out of this? I think I have to agree with Ben. I’m going to start telling them that if it doesn’t benefit me, they need to shove off.

    And also? $15 for a candle? Does it come with a maid? matress slut? does it dance? I mean seriously. $15 is a lot of monies for a candle. or maybe I’m just cheap.

  7. It’s been a long time since anyone asked me to buy something for a school fundraiser. And I don’t know any Girl Scouts anymore so no delicious, overpriced cookies for me.

    Seems to me, though, that Girlfriend would get along in life just fine even with the illiteracy. She’s pretty savvy. Makes me wonder, though, if later in life she’ll think of that picture when her boyfriend wants her to give him that very special “kiss”… Hope she laughs at him like she did the picture. That’d be awesome.
    .-= MsDarkstar’s last blog post… Forget Wednesday, it was totally BENsday today! =-.

  8. I hate school fundraisers! My daughter is supposed to be selling gift wrap and cookies right now. Gift wrap that starts at $9 a roll. Ha…screw that. Dollar general has a nicer selection!

    Also, I totally need to by that costume for my husband…wonder if it actually sucks? I would hope so…being 4 1/2 months pregnant and just barely done puking every two minutes- I gag every time I even hear the words blow job. Ugh.

  9. Instead of candles, magazines, wrapping paper, and tiny portions of extremely overpriced food items maybe the schools could host sexy toy parties after PTO meetings with the funds going to the school. Nobody goes to the PTO meetings so I would bet attendance would sky rocket! Imagine being the Principal who could say they had 80% of the parents attening their PTO meetings.

  10. WARN US about naughy pictures before we open them AT WORK……

    That picture of a costume puts my pickle pictures to shame.

    I am so naive, that I had NO IDEA that such costumes existed. I thought the sexy witch at Wal Mart was risque……..

  11. Dear QOFE,

    Please be advised that due to The Great Fundraising Gift Wrap Boycott of 2007, my son is now in speech therapy. Or has he likes to call it, peach therapy.
    .-= Miss Spoken’s last blog post… Shooby Doo Bop, Shoo Doo Bop, I Wanna Love You =-.
    PS: Forgot to say good post!

  12. I agree with Melissa. Candle parties suck! But, Girlfriend’s fundraiser is not a candle party. It is her path to literacy and therefore should be funded by Lynne and Crissy’s other coworkers.

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