You know how everyone and their 13 year-0ld babysitter has a Blackberry or an iPhone or some kind of awesomeness like that?
Crissy has a seven- year- old flip phone with her number taped to the back of it because nobody asks for it, and she doesn’t call herself so why would she know the number? And before that, she had a huge, chunky Nextel that always called random people from inside Crissy’s purse but ONLY when Crissy was drunk at some bar and gossiping about them. And when Crissy got her flip phone she felt all hip and stylish and sometimes, so people would see how stylish she was, she would just take her phone out and pretend to talk to somebody because of course nobody really calls Crissy and so she doesn’t need a phone anyway. Sometimes Michele texts her and her friend Valerie called her the other day, but that was the first call in about a month that wasn’t that Hispanic guy who keeps asking for “Rosalita?” and “CRISSY NO HABLA THE ESPANISH SENOR, SO STOP WITH THE TELEPHONO JACKASS!” But he doesn’t speak English so he doesn’t understand Crissy, and so he keeps calling because he thinks he’s Crissy’s boyfriend.
Anyway, Crissy loved her flip phone and was a very fashionable lady for about five minutes and then all of a sudden EVERYONE had a flat phone like a Blackberry or an iPhone ,or what’s that other thing, a Chocolate or something? And Crissy was just like “WAIT! I JUST GOT THIS! I’m cool now..hello?” and then everyone laughed at Crissy and texted each other about her and they were all LOL! and ROFLMAO! and Crissy didn’t even know what they were saying or even what texting was yet because her old phone didn’t do that.
And so now Crissy has phone envy and feelings of phone inadequacy and it doesn’t even take pictures! It’s not even that cool. And you know what else? It takes Crissy fifteen minutes to text people even simple things like “c u l8r” and “ok” and where the fuck is the exclamation point? Crissy can’t find it on her phone. And Crissy sees homeless people and hookers with nicer phones than hers and this makes her sad because what the hell? Crissy is the QOFE and not only should she have a Blackberry, it should have fucking diamonds on it. And Crissy cannot afford a new phone and so instead Crissy has invented The Pretend where you just dial the magical key pad in the air and you talk to the people in your head. You can even talk to unicorns and kittens on The Pretend. Also, OBAMA.
Crissy rather likes The Pretend because it’s easy to use and she never loses it in the bottom of her purse. It’s not like Mister’s Blackberry. Crissy always seems to accidentally hang up on people with the Blackberry, or when it’s ringing, and she has to answer it, Crissy gets all kerfuffled and she’s like “I DON’T KNOW WHAT BUTTON!!! WHICH ONE IS IT? HURRY!” and then she hands it to Girlfriend before she dies of a panic attack trying to answer the damn phone.
Does anyone else have phone issues they’d like to discuss? Crissy is certain she’s the biggest loser in the phone department but then 90% of you are living like animals with no dishwasher and so Crissy is thinking many of you still have a phone like this:
Or maybe you’re still using this: