The flipping flip fone. Stop yelling at Crissy! She knows how to spell phone she’s just trying to be cute with all the fs and everything.

You know how everyone and their 13 year-0ld babysitter has a  Blackberry or an iPhone or some kind of awesomeness like that?

Crissy doesn’t.

Crissy has a seven- year- old flip phone with her number taped to the back of it because nobody asks for it, and she doesn’t call herself so why would she know the number? And before that, she had a huge, chunky Nextel that always called random people from inside Crissy’s purse but ONLY when Crissy was drunk at some bar and gossiping about them.  And when Crissy got her flip phone she felt all hip and stylish and sometimes, so people would see how stylish she was, she would just take her phone out and pretend to talk to somebody because of course nobody really calls Crissy and so she doesn’t need a phone anyway. Sometimes Michele texts her and her friend Valerie called her the other day, but that was the first call in about a month that wasn’t that Hispanic guy who keeps asking for “Rosalita?” and “CRISSY NO HABLA THE ESPANISH SENOR, SO STOP WITH THE TELEPHONO JACKASS!” But he doesn’t speak English so he doesn’t understand Crissy, and so he keeps calling because he thinks he’s Crissy’s boyfriend.

Anyway, Crissy loved her flip phone and was a very fashionable lady for about five minutes and then all of a sudden EVERYONE had a flat phone like a Blackberry or an iPhone ,or what’s that other thing, a Chocolate or something? And Crissy was just like “WAIT!  I JUST GOT THIS!  I’m cool now..hello?” and then everyone laughed at Crissy and texted each other about her and they were all LOL! and ROFLMAO! and Crissy didn’t even know what they were saying or even what texting was yet because her old phone didn’t do that.

And so now Crissy has phone envy and feelings of  phone inadequacy and it doesn’t even take pictures!  It’s not even that cool.  And you know what else?  It takes Crissy fifteen minutes to text people even simple things like “c u l8r” and “ok” and where the fuck is the exclamation point? Crissy can’t find it on her phone. And Crissy sees homeless people and hookers with nicer phones than hers and this makes her sad because what the hell?  Crissy is the QOFE and not only should she have a Blackberry, it should have fucking diamonds on it.  And Crissy cannot afford a new phone and so instead Crissy has invented The Pretend where you just dial the magical key pad in the air and you talk to the people in your head.  You can even talk to unicorns and kittens on The Pretend.  Also, OBAMA.

Crissy rather likes The Pretend because it’s easy to use and she never loses it in the bottom of her purse. It’s not like Mister’s Blackberry. Crissy always seems to accidentally hang up on people with the Blackberry, or when it’s ringing, and she has to answer it, Crissy gets all kerfuffled and she’s like “I DON’T KNOW WHAT BUTTON!!! WHICH ONE IS IT? HURRY!” and then she hands it to Girlfriend before she dies of a panic attack trying to answer the damn phone.

Does anyone else have phone issues they’d like to discuss?  Crissy is certain she’s the biggest loser in the phone department but then 90% of you are living like animals with no dishwasher and so Crissy is thinking many of you still have a phone like this:

Or maybe you’re still using this:


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35 comments

  1. what the F**ck is up with everyone and blackberrys, I live in a third World country and it seems like everyone has one “Can’t afford a bottle of milk, but hey look we all have BBs”

  2. I have no dishwaher and a flip phone with a crack in the outer screen! I have no hope of ever getting a cool phone because my husband doesn’t see why we need them. Maybe if I run mine over with the car….
    .-= kelly’s last blog post… Dear Someone =-.

  3. Hey! We had that same bag phone too!!

    And when I worked at the grocery store, I couldn’t understand how people got to buy steaks and Oreos (brand name!) and stuff on food stamps, but I worked and was in college and could only afford the fake Doritos (that tasted like butt). Sounds like those same people are walking around with Blackberries while you and I are on the can/string phones.

  4. My phone looks blingy but in reality is wicked lame. Don’t be too jealous of the flat touch screen phone people; my son has an awesome phone with a touch screen, I think it’s called The Assdialer because I’m constantly getting phone calls where all I hear is his pant legs swishing together as he walks.
    .-= Lynne’s last blog post… H to the e to the a to l to the t to the h CARE =-.

  5. I finally got a cool phone when I washed my flip phone. I’d had that flip phone for 10 years! And before that, I still had one that looked like the bag phone and weighed eleventy million pounds.

    Now, I can text like the WIND! I am all kinds of awesome. And blackberries are stupid.

  6. LMAO, my grandfather recently gave our family his old 94 Lincoln. It actually has that bag phone installed. It still works but it’s not connected to any service so we just use it to pretend were calling to start a war or talk to Obama about the pot holes in the road and what not.

  7. I don’t even have a cell phone anymore. That’s how sexy I am.

    Here’s a thought…. Mister seems pretty savvy. Maybe he can perform a little tech magic on your shiny new speculum. Call it The Spec or The Stretch or That Cold Uncomfortable Thing In My Vagina.
    .-= Miss Spoken’s last blog post… Babbleville’s Town Trollop =-.

  8. Up until last month, I had a very basic phone. For voice and text messaging, that’s it. It was a pretty magenta color, but the paint was chipping. I liked the fact that when I left my computer, no one could reach me via email or IM. It’s empowering, you know? And then I saw the My Touch. And I might have swooned a bit and definitely fell in love. And so, I bought it. Now, I get personal emails, but have maintained I will not connect to work emails through it. And I’m pretty lame with it otherwise … I’m not an apps whore. And I don’t do a ton of browsing on the internet. But, it is kinda nice to feel like I’m finally in the swing of things.
    .-= SoMi’s Nilsa’s last blog post… Reaction =-.

  9. I pretend my $10 Nokia with just numbers on the key pad is a voice-activated iphone. I say on when I want to turn it on. And then I say a name when I want to speak with that person. Of course, nothing happens, but whatever. I like that.
    .-= Melissa Lion’s last blog post… Domestic Bliss =-.

  10. Dear QOFE,
    hustle your ass down to walmart & get yerself a damn phone. i know, it’s not glorious target, but they have phones SO cheap!!! i got my BB for $50 (at&t w/2 year contract we pay about $130/mo for 2 phones).
    before that i used the same little bar phone for 5 years & all the kids on my son’s playground would talk about how cute it was…they thought it was a TOY!

    oh, i do have a dishwasher, but it’s a piece of shit & although you didn’t ask, my fridge is on the blink but i’m having a hard time spending $3k on the delicious electrolux model i really want. yes, i also think for that price i should get a couple asianspecialchopperdicerwhores with it.

  11. What I really miss was my great grandma’s old CAR PHONE that she had in her big, pink caddy. I have no idea why I miss it, seeing as cell phones also work in the car… but car phones were just so effin’ AWESOME. Especially when inside PINK CADDIES!
    .-= Jordan’s last blog post… Girls’ Night. =-.

  12. Just promise me you won’t walk around with a stupid blue tooth earpiece attached to your head when you are not actually having a conversation….

  13. Given the choice between my husband and my Blackberry (Dukwanda is her name) I would probably choose my Blackberry. She’s magic and has Brickbreaker!

  14. I have an LG Dare and I L.O.V.E. it. It doesn’t cost an extra million dollars like an iphone or shitberry, but I can talk and text all I want (using a real qwerty keyboard) and I play online all the time. Yesterday, I looked up the nearest liquor store as I was leaving the mall. Yay me.

    Oh yeah, and touch screens are only assdialers if owner isn’t smart enough to lockthedamnscreen!

  15. You are so funny and I thank Aunt Becky for introducing us because you make me laugh and laughing is good.

    I loved the photo of the bag phone because I so totally had one of those. I remember plugging that thing into my lighter thingie in my car and talking as I drove around and thinking I was ever so cool cause I was only like 18 at the time and nobody my age carried bag phones cause they were too expensive and they spent all their money on hookers and beer. I just worked day and night and spent my money on a bag phone.

  16. Oh PIMP! I’m going to show a bit of my nerdiness, but I have a pair of headphones similar to those for a class I had to take. Every time my husband saw me in them, he laughed and pointed. So you can totally borrow them to walk around Schmuckytown talking too loudly and annoying the citizens. Just promise to video and/or take pictures of your caper!! (PS it’s been too long, we need a caper/adventure now please)

  17. Crissy, I understand your Phone Issues completely. I have a very nice phone…..cheap, bottom of the line, but quite nice. Sometimes I go for weeks without anybody calling. Sometimes I go for days without calling anyone. But if I lose it, I go into a huge panic. And I feel quite inadequate when I see all my friends constantly checking their messages and yakking and texting. I feel Not Important, because if I were Important, people would be trying very hard to contact me. On the phone, I mean, because it would be too urgent to wait for email!!! I aspire to be a more frequent phone user. If only I were on the phone more, I would be cool, and people would be knocking down doors to get my attention.

  18. Oh jeeze Chrissy,

    Thank you.

    I have to walk around with a blackberry ’cause the “man” gave it to me but I never charge it because it annoys me and “if it is that important then call me up on the real phone” because otherwise I can’t help you anyway. If I’m at the supermarket, WTF can I do about your XYZ situation?

    My real (own) cell? First of all: I like the flip phone because, I agree, it was damned embarrassing to accidentally call people. Second: If its free Its for me! So long as my next contract includes a free phone, F it. I myself dont have twitter Tourettes so… who needs it?

  19. Just get one of those cheap bluetooth ear thingies with the blinking blue light and wear that, then when you are talking to yourself everyone will think you are cool and talking on your fancy phone. I think Vegas is giving them away to the crazy homeless people that wander downtown, that way they look busy instead of just crazies talking to invisible people.
    I had that bag phone, skipped buying the first Motorola big brick phones and got a flip phone way back when they were $2000. I have an IPHONE now, (classy, huh?), got one for my wife too, so at least we each have somebody to call.
    .-= joeinvegas’s last blog post… Sunday in the Park with Joe =-.

  20. I hate talking on the phone. I don’t understand why anyone would want to talk to me on the phone when they could instead write me an email and several days or weeks later get a response from someone other than me who I politely asked to read my emails and respond, making believe they are me.

    My cell phones suck ass and I never answer them and I never listen to my messages. Ever. I am not even kidding.
    .-= stoogepie’s last blog post… CSI: Stoogetown =-.

  21. STEP BACK AND AWAY FROM ALL GADGETRY IDOLS, YOUR MAJESTY (yelled through a megaphone). THEY’VE BEEN KNOWN TO LEAD TO OTHER THINGS AND THE DEVIL ALWAYS WANTS SOMETHING IN RETURN.

    SAVE YOURSELF AND YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO!

    (though one can easily picture Mister Pimp in a pair of those earphones)

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