The road back from Emoland

Oh WOW! Crissy feels so much better today, Queefies! Thank you so much for being the most wonderful Queefies in all the world! It means so much to Crissy that you love her and you know she loves you too! We’re family. Crissy is going to take the rest of the week off to recover from all her ailments, both mental and physical, but you can go over to Toy With Me today if you want. Crissy is talking about the kink she’s got goin’ on. Rawwwwrrrrr…or something.

my wife is…

hey folks, it’s the pimp.

it’s not often i poke my head in here, mostly because crissy does such an excellent job.  to be honest i don’t know how she comes up with half of what she comes up with, day after day, week after week, month after month.

i wouldn’t blame her if she totally burned out and walked away from blogging once and for all.  i’d be sad, because i actually DO like reading her work, and i especially enjoy the comments, but i would understand.

before anyone gets upset–THAT IS NOT HAPPENING. at least as far as i know!

what IS happening though is she’s getting run down. she’s getting frustrated. not by anything to do with any of you fine queefs, or this blog even. she’s getting frustrated by her LIFE. in particular, her life as a mommy.

how can you NOT be frustrated by it? i mean, there’s a REASON why so many “professionals” have eschewed having kids–they fucking SUCK! they’re a tremendous drain on resources: time, money, affection, laundry detergent, diapers, paper towels. everything is a goddamned PRODUCTION– hell, even going to the store for a 6 pack of beer takes planning and provisions… and this is coming from the lackadaisical parent.

you all already knew that, and this is hardly news.

i got off the phone a few minutes ago and my dear wife told me that she felt like a loser because she couldn’t make a blog post today. i said, maybe you should post about that? she said, “i don’t even have time to do that!” and she told me how she had a blowout with girlfriend while dropping her off at school because GF insisted on a package of string cheese right as they were walking out the door, and then once that was done, had to go right over to target to pick up some supplies, and how the front hall closet smells like ass because one of the teachers at the preschool stashed girlfriend’s unfinished milk container in an odd pocket of the backpack, which slowly leaked rotten milk over the last 5 days, and how she’d been puked on multiple times already today…

i just about started crying myself.

(well not really because i’m wicked tough, but if i was more emo i would have.)

it was at that moment when i thought to myself, “i’ll post SOMETHING on her blog today,” just to keep things moving, and a dialog open. i wanted to tell the people who comment to my wife, “i don’t know how you do it all,” that sometimes she CAN’T do it all. and it’s all fucking right. life goes on. we tend to the things we must, and we circle the wagons, and we lick our wounds, and every once in a while you jump up out of bed feeling brand new and ready to toss a cumshot on the face of the world.

the thing is, those days just don’t come when you’re having a period, letting a baby hang off your nipples every 3 hours, fighting off a flu shot, trying to clean up DIY cheese from the folds and pockets of a hello kitty backpack, waiting for your husband to come home from work so YOU can go to work until 8pm.

in fact, under those circumstances, those days might as well never exist in the first place.

under those circumstances you can’t muster a jovial face and tell your bloggy friends how funny it is, because it’s not fucking funny. and of course you reflect all the shit inside, and you get embarrassed, and you wonder if you’re cut out for this–for ANY of this–because it’s such a battle, and it doesn’t let up for a moment, and it grinds you down until there’s nothing left.

before this turns into even more of an unreadibly long and dire post, i have to say this: she gets so much back from you guys, and i think that’s the part that she feels worst about–that somehow she’s letting the queefs down. so tell her how you feel because hell, i’m her husband, and she knows i’m gonna say nice things anyway so it doesn’t really count.

plus i’m a cross-dressing dickhead who seizes command of other people blogs, so WTF do i know?

Crissy partied all weekend and now you have to look at pictures of strangers at parties you didn’t go to for the next two days. YES!!!!!

Here is Crissy in her tutu.

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She had to distract Mister with a bottle of nail polish for his nails so she could put it on.  He was sobbing on the floor in the fetal position, clutching the tutu.  Crissy had to do something to get it away from him.

Here he is in his Goth Boy outfit:

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Crissy thinks he enjoyed putting on lipstick and eyeliner a little too much, and you can’t tell in this picture, but his nails came out really pretty.

Here is a picture of the party at Crissy’s friend Gina’s ad agency.

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And here is Gina who Crissy has known since elementary school:

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Crissy hadn’t seen her in eleventy million years and she looks prettier than your friend Gina.

(This is fascinating isn’t it?)

This costume has to be the best thing Crissy has ever seen, but it was also scarier than a hockey mask and a chain saw  because when Crissy was just a wee little Crissy, she was terrified of these things on Sesame Street. And when they walked in, Crissy sort of grabbed the Wonder Woman she was talking to and hid behind her a little bit.

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See? 

Scary. Mother. Fuckers.

Wonder Woman could totally kick a yip yip’s ass, right?  Crissy needs to know just in case she ever finds herself in this situation again.

Thank God Crissy didn’t see any clowns there because she would have been out of there but then she remembered there was wine and so she did that instead of running away.

Crissy also bumped into another friend from elementary school (actually TWO other friends from elementary school but she doesn’t have a picture of  the other one) because Rhode Islanders DO NOT LEAVE THE STATE. EVER:

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And Crissy isn’t afraid to tell the Queefs that she felt like a little bit of a loser because here’s Gina who is prettier than all other Ginas and owns an Ad Agency, and here’s Amy who is also pretty with a cute haircut and is a lawyer, and here’s Crissy who is super pretty but has done nothing since Grad school and when asked what she is up to now, Crissy babbled some nonsense about her blog and Hottest Mommy Blogger and being Queen of Fucking Everything and no, not Queen of Fucking Everything and then she spilled wine on her tutu.

Multiple times.

Very. Impressive. Crissy.

Almost as impressive as Crissy’s betutued ass going up the stairs to Gina’s studio.

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Or Crissy’s chestical area at the dessert table:

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Actually, Crissy’s tits were probably the most impressive thing about her, either that or it was the tutu, and next time she goes to a party and accidentally stumbles into an elementary school reunion, she’s just going to point to her tits and say absolutely nothing because that would have been better.

Crissy shouldn’t be allowed out in public, obviously.

Crissy: Drowing in her own good intentions

So Crissy has a guest blogger for you today, Queefies!

Aren’t you so excited you could pee?

And the reason for that is that Crissy is in way over her head with crap to do.  It turns out that Crissy is not very bright and she offered to have a Halloween party for Girlfriend and her little friends and all the parents and so there are approximately fifteen to one hundred millionty people coming to Crissy’s house on Saturday for a shindig, and Crissy has to pretty much do the whole thing herself PLUS care for Homeslice and Girlfriend because Mister is working. AND! It’s Crissy’s mom’s birthday that day and so she’s having a birthday party for her in the morning. AND! She scheduled a flu shot for Girlfriend on Saturday,too. AND! All this is AFTER Crissy and Mister go to a fabulous Halloween party thrown by a very impressive PR firm on Friday night, and so Crissy will do it all hungover and sleep deprived. Crissy is considering just staying drunk and powering through until Sunday.

It seems like the best option at this point.

Soooooo, Crissy is pretty much in ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodwhatthefuck mode.

Crissy is a dumbass.

OR!

Crissy is a badass. She hasn’t decided yet. 
Maybe Crissy will just go with badass.  It’s more self-affirming…we can probably all agree that Crissy is some kind of an ass. Or she has a hot ass or look at Crissy’s ass or Crissy’s a piece of ass or kiss Crissy’s ass or Crissy’s ass is grass or something ass-y.

Anyway, since it’s almost Halloween and stuff, Crissy has obtained a GHOST GUEST BLOGGER!

So here he is, DUDLEY MOORE!

Was that not the best 58 or so seconds of your day today?

You’re welcome, Queefies. Happy weekend! Crissy will be back on Monday (if her head doesn’t explode).