Oh goodness Queefies!  Crissy has a super exciting weekend planned for herself and it is so sexy and so exciting Crissy is about to freak your freak and blow your mind with the pure awesomeness of it all.

Crissy prolly won’t post tomorrow because The Crissys and Rich and Michele are taking Alena and Girlfriend and Homeslice to ride on THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE!!!

Yes! It’s true!

And Crissy plans to dress for the occasion and wear her very prettiest outfit

which looks exactly like this one because while all the other ladies are acting like complete sluts around The Fat Controller, aka Sir Topham Hatt,

Crissy will be scoring a little one on one naughty time with Thomas.  Maybe he’ll even let her touch him on  his Main Rod or put her hand in his Coal Tender area.

Maybe.

You’re jealous aren’t you?

And Crissy is a little nervous about it though because Thomas is like Jesus to Girlfriend and she has a very rich fantasy life built up around him since she was only two where he is both an imaginary friend and a train and so she may become overwhelmed by it all and have a Major Behavioral Incident and so of course Crissy is going to bring the video camera because for the low, low price of $20 per person for a 20 minute ride on Thomas, Crissy is at least going to capture the happy memory of when Girlfriend went CRACKERS! on video.

Right?

Good times, noodle salad.

And then on Monday, and Michele doesn’t know it yet so don’t tell her, Crissy is going to go across the street and drag Michele out of bed at 6:00 am to go to the Saver’s 50% off sale!  Crissy has done this before and she’s an expert at it.  You must stay focused, Queefs.  You cannot deviate from your plan and you must bring a gigantor shopping bag, a rape whistle, a set of brass knuckles, and some handcuffs.  Also, wear shoes with good traction, a sports bra and maybe even a sports cup, and a motorcycle helmet because you can’t be too careful.

Saver’s is in Woonsocket.

Crissy also plans to bring her lucky shank this time because she left it at home last year and needed to cut a bitch over the most divine purple Ralph Lauren blazer but she couldn’t because she left her blade at home.  Like an idiot! But that won’t happen this year and she’s got some new distraction techniques prepared too.  For example, if someobody tries to take a particularly fabulous sweater away from Crissy, Crissy will shout something like “I LIKE SPAGHETTI!” or “YOU WANT TO SEE MY PENIS?” or maybe she will even go with an old classic like “FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! AHHHHHHHH!” and the person will be confused for a split second and that’s when Crissy will punch her in the face and then run away with the sweater.

Hahahahahahaha!!! Stooopid!!!

Needless to say, Queefs, Crissy is Jazzed.

OMG!
SORRY!
This post isn’t about The Rabbit:

It’s about the rabbit:

Or about a cage for a rabbit or  a potential rabbit or some sort of Captured Woodland Creature that Earl and Maudette who live next door to Crissy are building a home for. Or, to be accurate, because Crissy’s motto is “always be totally factual sometimes,” it’s Earl and Maudette’s son, Earl Jr., who is building the cage.

And every night after work for the past week, week and a half, Earl Jr. is out in the driveway with the saw and the nail gun and he works and he works and Mister just sits there in Crissy’s kitchen listening to The New Yankee Workshop: Downsy Edition and shaking his head.

And he says things like “what the fuck is he building? A fucking nuclear shelter for the fucking bunny? Hahahahahahaha!”

And with every ptang!ptang!ptang! of the nail gun and holy hell does Earl Jr. use a lot of nails, Mister becomes a little bit more hysterical.

And then last night, Mister Lost. It. He flipped his noodle, he went coo-coo for coco puffs, he dropped his basket, he went CRACKERS! and Crissy found him just rolling around on the bed, clutching his stomach with tears streaming down his face. He wasn’t even making a sound. He was just sort of like, convulsing in the fetal position.

And all he could say between gasps was “all the fucking nails! What the fuck?”

You see Queefies, Mister is a guy who is Good With Tools (of every variety)  and he can fix/build/destroy anything in the whole world.  He could make Macgyver his Bitch for Life, he’s so Good With Tools and holy shit you guys you should see the deck he built Crissy! She’d show you pictures but he’s making a patio and some more stairs going off the deck and so she’ll show you when he’s all finished and Crissy can make it all pretty for the camera.

What Crissy is saying is that Mister could build that rabbit cage with his dick and NO HANDS! and it’s just driving him b-a-n-a-n-a-s to listen to Dinkus next door with all the rrrrrrrrreeeeeeeoooooorrrrrrr sawing and then the ptang!ptang!ptang! nail gunning every night.

And next he’ll probably have to POWER WASH the thing because there is never a night that goes by without that bullshit starting up at the precise moment when Girlfriend and Homeslice are being put to bed.

And Crissy didn’t mean for this post to be a rant about Earl and Maudette but it’s turning into one so she’s just going to roll with it AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE?

They’re always burning shit.

Crissy’s house smells like fucking Camp Theroofisonfire now and Crissy hates that smell and it’s why she doesn’t go camping.  Well, it’s one reason besides the whole shitting in the woods and inevitably wiping with poison oak and there being no hair dryer and also they have BUGS at camping and Crissy doesn’t do bugs.

Unfortunately  for Crissy, Earl and Maudette are very sweet and nice and  Maudette made the cutest blanket for Homeslice and so Crissy cannot fuck with them or throw things at them and it makes her so frustrated she winds up writing ranty blog posts about them instead because apparently, she’s THAT passive aggressive.

But there’s good news here, Queefies.  The cage is done now and Mister can relax.

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Crissy is just hoping they’re not planning to eat the bunnies in the cage.

PS: Remember Crissy told you about the sexxxy new job?  Comeseecomeseecomesee! Leave a comment and make Crissy look like the Queen everyone knows she is!

Last night, Mister emailed Crissy some pictures of ERIC from True Blood to her work email in an attempt to have ERIC act as sort of a fluffer for Crissy for when she got home even though she doesn’t really need one because Crissy has been going around like one giant slutbag and about humping stuff and rubbing up against things and she complains to Mister about her insatiable condition and all he says to her is “story of my life” and he gives her no sympathy at all, but if Crissy did need a fluffer, ERIC would make a fine one because

RIGHT?

Haaaiii!

And then they chopped his hair so he doesn’t look so much like a girl anymore:

huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuuuhuuhuhu.

What?

Wait.

WHY ARE CRISSY’S UNDERPANTIES WET?

Did Crissy pee her pants again? SHUT. UP. It happens sometimes after you have a baby.

It’s normal, okay?

What was Crissy talking about?

Oh.

ERIC.

(swoon)

Is it wrong that she replaced a picture of little Homeslice on her computer desktop with one of ERIC?

Is that bad?

Like…

really bad?

But it doesn’t matter because it’s true love, you know. Crissy thought she loved Mick St. John

but now she’s just all, “Mick St. John? Who’s that turd burglar?” Clearly, that love affair wasn’t meant to be because he made Sexy Time with that Beth girl and then they took the show off the air, those fuckers.  And then for a brief time, the fifteen year old girl inside of Crissy loved Edward

and she even really, really, really wanted his car because she wanted to pop a wheelie and peel out in front of the preschool in it and make the Escalade Pajama Cunts weep with jealousy. WEEP. In their pajamas. Cunts.

but that was fleeting and immature as, well, a fifteen year old girl.

Crissy is telling you that this thing with ERIC is the really dealy, people.

Crissy swears it.

Crissy + Eric 4 Eva.

kris_eric-2

Because yeeeeessssss.