So there Crissy was, minding her own business and sitting at the kitchen counter with Homeslice finally sleeping in her swing after a morning of being a big giant pain in the whatie when Crissy stood up from her chair and quickly started for the fridge for her 12pm diet coke emergency when THE FUCKING CHAIR SHE WAS IN FOLLOWED HER, CRASHED TO THE FLOOR, AND WOKE UP HOMESLICE!!!
What the shit?
And Crissy figured out what happened by using her extensive powers of deductive reasoning which you cannot possibly comprehend because they’re so, so, so, complex.
What happened, Queefies, is that while Crissy was sitting down, Girlfriend, who is obsessed with learning how to tie things up, was playing around behind Crissy and Crissy thought she was just drinking bleach or building a pipe bomb or something, but what she really did was tie the strings of the apron Crissy had on to protect her work outfit from baby puke to the chair and when Crissy got up, the chair followed her.
And when it crashed to the floor, it scared the crappypants off of poor Homeslice who was finally sleeping so peacefully like a little lamb or a soft baby kitten or Crissy after a Xanax and a fifth of 151.
Crissy was not. pleased.
And she almost went ballistic on Girlfriend who was just sort of standing there looking rather satisfied and excited that her diabolical plan had worked and it reminded Crissy of the time her brother, the naughty little bastard, tied her mom’s sneaker laces together whilst she was napping and then went off to do evil. When Crissy’s mom got up, she fell into the door and came crashing through it, landing right on her noggin.
What Crissy is trying to say here Queefs is that you shouldn’t wear shoes while napping or an apron while sitting in a chair because you never know when some naughty little bastard is going to tie them together and cause big trouble for you.
PS: Who sleeps with their shoes on anyway (besides Crissy’s mom and Frankenstein. And…horses)?