So there Crissy was, minding her own business and sitting at the kitchen counter with Homeslice finally sleeping in her swing after a morning of being a big giant pain in the whatie when Crissy stood up from her chair and quickly started for the fridge for her 12pm diet coke emergency when THE FUCKING CHAIR SHE WAS IN FOLLOWED HER, CRASHED TO THE FLOOR, AND WOKE UP HOMESLICE!!!

What the shit?

And Crissy figured out what happened by using her extensive powers of deductive reasoning which you cannot possibly comprehend because they’re so, so, so, complex.

What happened, Queefies, is that while Crissy was sitting down, Girlfriend, who is obsessed with learning how to tie things up, was playing around behind Crissy and Crissy thought she was just drinking bleach or building a pipe bomb or something, but what she really did was tie the strings of the apron Crissy had on to protect her work outfit from baby puke to the chair and when Crissy got up, the chair followed her.

And when it crashed to the floor, it scared the crappypants off of poor Homeslice who was finally sleeping  so peacefully like a little lamb or a soft baby kitten or Crissy after a Xanax and a fifth of 151.

Crissy was not. pleased.

And she almost went ballistic on Girlfriend who was just sort of standing there looking rather satisfied and excited that her diabolical plan had worked and it reminded Crissy of the time her brother, the naughty little bastard, tied her mom’s sneaker laces together whilst she was napping and then went off to do evil. When Crissy’s mom got up, she fell into the door and came crashing through it, landing right on her noggin.

What Crissy is trying to say here Queefs is that you shouldn’t wear shoes while napping or an apron while sitting in a chair because you never know when some naughty little bastard is going to tie them together and cause big trouble for you.

The end.

PS: Who sleeps with their shoes on anyway (besides Crissy’s mom and Frankenstein. And…horses)?

Morning Queefies!

Crissy had a really crazy weekend and it went by in a flash and it’s sort of like a blackout or something but Crissy only had like two glasses of wine all weekend and OH HOW THAT MAKES CRISSY SO SAD but Crissy was actually too busy to drink!

That has never happened before.

There’s always room for jell-o and there’s always time for wine.  Or so Crissy thought.

One of the things Crissy did was take Girlfriend shopping for school shoes at the Wrentham Village Premium Outlets.

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And Crissy learned a very valuable lesson, Queefies.

Never go to the outlets on a beautiful Saturday morning.

In fact, Crissy is going to make it another one of her mottoes.

It was a fucking zoo you guys and it was a pretty miserable experience trying to navigate a stroller through tightly packed racks and narrow aisles at the shoe store what with all the people and their fat, aisle blocking asses and all ho. lee.shit! the double wide strollers!  It was crazy retarded and Crissy felt very superior to all the breeders with their gangs of  little kids in double wides until she realized that she is no longer the tidy and superior mother of only one child.

SHIT!

Crissy hates it when she lives in a glass house and tries to throw rocks or stones or judgmental glances and stuff at people.

What Crissy is trying to say is look at all the fucking people at Gap Outlet!

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It was insane and Crissy just gave up and went home before she had to punch somebody in the face.

But do you like that picture of Homeslice, Queefies?  Crissy laughed and laughed at this comment somebody left on Flickr:

“look at all those accessories mang!! that is one pimped out stroller. the look on her face says she knows it and she’s fucking boss.”

Hahahahaha!

And then on Sunday, poor Mister got roped into something he didn’t want to do and was gone for 12 hours which left Crissy alone with the two kids on cleaning and laundry and writing day.  Crissy’s mom and brother came to help because Crissy found out she is not Superwoman! This is very disappointing news.  It was a living hell and Crissy maybe lied a little bit to the Queefies when she said she didn’t have time for wine because she put the kids to bed at 7 and drank an entire bottle of wine in about an hour.

WHAT?

That’s normal, right?

So Crissy’s friend Celina at work (remember Celina got Crissy some cake on her first day back at work?  We love her, don’t we Queefs?) brought in some beer for her to try because it has beet juice in it or some shit and it sounded interesting and so Crissy, who doesn’t ordinarily drink beer, said to her “Sure.  Bring it. Crissy will give it a whirl” and Crissy planned to bring it home and watch a little True Blood with her beet red beer from Celina and it was going to be very festive and vampire-y but then Crissy started feeling like ass.

Girlfriend is feeling much better thanks for asking but Crissy and Mister are sick now and Crissy is praying she’s got Swine Flu and not Baby Fever because she doesn’t know if that Plan B thing worked yet and she’d much rather have Swine Flu because at least that goes away eventually and you don’t have to start a college plan for Swine Flu, Queefs.  You can drink wine with the Swine Flu.  You don’t have to get a babysitter for Swine Flu.  You see where Crissy is going with this can’t you?

PLEASE JESUS LET IT BE SWINE FLU!

Crissy has never wanted swine flu so badly in her life.

Anyway, Crissy started to feel like ass and her focus on her work was just like, forget it and so she looked at the beer and the beer looked at her and it said “what are you waiting for, Crissy?” and so Crissy popped the top off and drank it and said “beer, you are quite delicious.”

So there Crissy was right in the back room of Schmuckytown Pubic talking to a bottle of beet beer whilst someone was in the supply closet singing and playing guitar.

It was a bizarre night to say the very least and maybe Crissy didn’t really drink the beer and maybe the guy in the closet was really a CD player, but she thought about drinking the beer because that CD player was quite convincing and everyone knows that nothing goes better with live music than beet beer.

And she did finally go home to watch the last True Blood of the season and WHAT HAPPENED TO BILL? Did Eric have him taken because Queen Sophie-Ann found out Bill knows Eric has Lafayette selling V? OR did Eric just use that as an excuse because he wants Sookie?  Or is it none of these things?!? Will Sookie fuck a tiger next season?

Dun-dun-duuunnnn!!

This was a weird post, right?

So there Crissy was last night at work sitting at her desk and doing her workly business when the janitor came through with his trash bucket on wheels thing to empty Crissy’s trash into and Crissy felt ashamed because in it were eighty three Hershey’s miniatures wrappers and she could feel him burning into her with his Judgy eyes and it made her blush that he knows her secret that she’s the one who’s been eating all the chocolates and she just sort of cleared her throat and checked her wrist because she doesn’t have a watch and then she ran away because OH GOD THE SHAME OF IT and also it reminded her of the time when her dad looked in the back of Hot Heath Who Made Crissy’s Panties Fall Off‘s car and saw tons and tons of empty beer cans and based only on that information decided Hot Heath Who Made Crissy’s Panties Fall Off was a loser! Can you imagine?and then he came straight into the house to yell at Crissy’s mother for letting her out of the house with HHWMCPFO and then he locked Crissy in her room!

Well maybe he didn’t do that, but he wanted to is the point Crissy is trying to make and so now she’s thinking that maybe in light of all the candy wrappers Crissy is sort of a loser just like Hot Heath Who Made Crissy’s Panties Fall Off turned out to be (her dad was right) and maybe, just maybe, she should have her mouth sewn shut by dragonflies just like her nana said they would if Crissy wasn’t a good girl and Crissy is now terrified of dragonflies and really?

Crissy has to lose 7 more lbs before she’s back to her pre-Homeslice awesome and she’d better do it faster than she can say Turbo Jam because the weather is getting colder and she refuses to buy new pants and so instead of running around like Mister with no pants on she must be able to stuff her bodacious ass back into her old pants before that bodacious ass turns into a cold and icy ass and nobody likes to touch a cold and icy ass except for the necrophiliacs but they’re Sickie Sickingtons and Crissy wouldn’t let them touch her ass anyway.

OR!

Crissy’s ass will freeze and turn white and people will mistake it for a couple of marshmallows and they will put sticks in it and roast it over a fire until it gets all burnt and melty and then they will EAT CRISSY’S ASS!

Oh NO!

PS: Crissy is up at Toy With Me today talking about the Play Through. Crissy realizes that many of you know about the Play Through already but the Toy With Mes don’t and so you have to come and help Crissy teach them.

Do it, bitches.

Crissy saw on the news this morning that Patrick Swayze died of The Cancer and it made her feel sad to think that he’s gone because along with Johnny Depp and Richard Grieco,

remember him?

Yeeessssssss.  It’s hot in the city tonight, honey!

Patrick was one of Crissy’s first crushes, you know. Oh, and Jon Bon Jovi.  And Kirk Cameron who is now apparently a total fucking freak show.

But what really makes Crissy sad about Patrick Swayze dying is that when he told Crissy the news, Frank Coletta,

ace TV reporter for Turn to 10 News, didn’t even shed a tear.  NOT ONE!  This is a big deal because Frank’s non-verbal commentaries are the best.  THE BEST!  and there wasn’t even a flicker of sadness.

What the fuck Frank?

You could have at least pretended to wipe the tears away.

When something this pretty dies, you mourn bitch.

This is upsetting to Crissy because usually Frank and Crissy are like THIS!

But now Crissy isn’t sure she knows Frank at all and so perhaps today Crissy has lost TWO boyfriends.