Sorry. Crissy does not speak EPC language.

So in Girlfriend’s backpack there was a giant wad of papers regarding various bullshit going on at the school, and with it was a lovely orange slip explaining the snacktime policy.

And it says:

We are aware that snack has caused a bit of confusion.  Please refer to the calendar.  If there is an “S” listed, that means someone in the class will be bringing in a group snack.  ON those days, you do not have to bring in your own snack/drink. On pizza days, you will see a “D” listed.  This is the drink/dessert snack used with pizza.  We will offer dessert/snack to every student.  You can check the calendar in the kitchen to sign up for either “S” snack/drink or “D” drink/dessert snack.  The snack at pizza time does not have to be dessert.  When you sign up to bring in the pizza, drink/dessert, you do not need to pay for pizza that day.

And it goes on to explain how the lunchboxes should only contain re-usable drink and food containers and only cloth napkins and label everything with your child’s name and for the love of all that is good and decent in this world,  NO MOTHERFUCKING PEANUT BUTTER.

(actually, they allow peanut butter, but if there is peanut butter that day, the allergic kids have to sit at another table and Crissy does not want Girlfriend to be the one who brings the poison so it’s as good as forbidden if you ask Crissy.)

And Crissy is all for re-usable containers and cloth napkins and everything.  No problemo, really.   Crissy just thinks the snacktime policy meant to clear up the confusion is  confusing.  Maybe Crissy is just wicked tired and shit, but she had to read that mother three times before it made any sense to her and she considered making a diagram where snack drink dessert equaled “S” and drink dessert snack pizza equaled “D” but only sometimes on special “P” days and then when Mister came home, she gave it to him and he was actually clutching his tummy from laughing so hard because what the fuck?

But Crissy thinks she’s confused because the slip is written in anyone?  anyone?

Escalade Pajama Cunt Language.

As the Queefies know, Crissy does not speak that language, the language of pajamas out in public paired with violently sparkly gigantic diamond earrings, fake tans, and huge SUVs.  And you know what, Queefies?  Anyone with pierced ears knows you cannot sleep (or use the phone) while wearing big earrings.  It is impossible, which means they take the time to put them on in the morning, but cannot take the time to PUT ON A PAIR OF FUCKING PANTS!


When Crissy  drops Girlfriend off, the EPCs literally corner the principal of the school and barrage her  with comments regarding her policies and she tries to make them all happy by creating the most complicated snackdrinkpizzadessertdrinksnack policy ever. Crissy has better things to do than care about such trivia, but the EPCs are always trying to manipulate the principal to suit their particular busy schedule of personal trainer appointments and pedicures and blowing their pool boys and dog trainers.  I HAVE TO MAKE A SNACK EVERY DAY?  THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS! WHO CAN I TALK TO ABOUT THIS?

Just pour some juice in a sippy cup,  throw a handful of a pretzels in a gladwear container and you’re done,  asshole.

Crissy thinks she should be in charge of the snacktime policy because Crissy has a whole ‘nuther kind of  language for them.

PS: Did you know that CUNT actually stands for Can’t Understand Normal Thinking? It does! It’s the perfect name for them, no?  Crissy is so smart.

PSS: Crissy is up at Toy With Me this morning!  WHAT?  It isn’t Wednesday! But the glorious thing Crissy wrote for Wednesday was so glorious they decided to post it today AND Crissy will have something else for Wednesday too!  Holy shit!  COME LAUGH YOUR ASS OFF ON A SHITTY MONDAY MORNING!

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  1. i have a good mind to get you a pair of absofrigginglutely HUMONGOUS diamond earrings so you can one-up them.

    of course they’ll be cubic zirconia, but only we’ll know that.

    either that or a pearl necklace…

  2. In the South, the polite way of using that word is to say “See you next Tuesday.” So you can throw that at the EPCs and they’ll think you’re being polite, when really you’re calling them the C word. It’s great 🙂

  3. I’m not due until January and it’s shit like this that keeps me up at night. Is this really the shit I have to look forward to? Really?

    I live very near Hippy Trust Fund Land so I might also have to pack crystals and essential oils along with his/her organic/fare trade/ gluten free/ happy fruit snacks.

    Can’t wait.
    .-= chickenlips’s last blog post… my obsession =-.

  4. This is great!! I absolutly love your blogs.

    School= a whole new set of things to get pissed off about lol … at least you have the option of PB, we can’t pack anything nutlike or nutrelated blah and one time, my Mr. put a PB&J sandwich in our kids lunch and she had to go eat it in the office! I think the allergy table is an awesome idea … i want an allergy table at our school but apparantly that would be discrimination 🙂

  5. I’m amused that the school is post enough to be eco-trendy with regard to reusable containers for all the snacks, yet hasn’t gone all childhood-obesity red alert frequent pizza days. Don’t they know that the circumference of a woman’s thighs should be no wider that the circumference of her smallest diamond earrings? GOT TO GET IN TRAINING, KIDDIWINKS!
    .-= That Kind of Girl’s last blog post… The Kind of Girl Who … speeds down the open road with the wind whipping at her hair (An NTKOG That Wasn’t) =-.

  6. So I read that paragraph a couple of times and um, I must be stupid because I still don’t get it. Why do they have to go and complicate things so much?
    .-= Marie’s last blog post… Weekdays =-.

  7. I’m going to say this on your blog because I can’t say it on mine. I rolled up to A’s school the other day, and a woman was nursing her 4yo. We don’t really have the EPC here in Portland, we have the sanctimonious narcissistic hippies. Barf.
    .-= Melissa Lion’s last blog post… Keep It Classy, Portland =-.

  8. I dealt with a complex schedule consisting of days A to F with 13 modular periods in HS, and odd/even days for my older one in school AND I have an advanced degree and I write our relatively complicated on-call schedule. I, however, have no freaking idea wtf is up with that snack policy.

    Why don’t they just get giant bags of goldfish and pretzels and giant jars of applesauce and provide the snacks themselves? They could tack a couple dollars a week onto the tuition and no one would notice.

    Stupid EPCs and their demands!

  9. I swear, kids today might have cooler toys to play with, but lunch in my day was way cooler. Seriously, if kid’s lunches are not vacuum sealed and approved by allergic kids everywhere, civil unrest is sure to take place. Where’s the fun in that?
    .-= SoMi’s Nilsa’s last blog post… Neat =-.

  10. no nut snacks whatsoever at our preschool, so that keeps the snack policy really simple. girlfriend’s snack policy is whack! anyway, as a side note, toywithme was flippin’ hilarious! i think you should know that i’ve had more sex in the past two days than i’ve had in the last six months, and i wholeheartedly attribute it to you…take that as you may.

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