Crissy is angry about peanut butter

Oh Queefies, thank you! You’ll all get virgins and chocolates in heaven unless you’d prefer sluts to virgins or just double chocolate instead of sex, but you will be rewarded for your loyalty to the queen! They pay Crissy to bring the party, you know and when the party doesn’t come, Crissy looks like an ass. Or at least she feels like an ass–sort of like when you tell a joke at a party and everyone walks away.

That’s tough.

So anyway, thanks for that and you know what else makes Crissy so mad you guys?

Peanut butter.

The other day Crissy was stirring a jar of peanut butter and she realized that she hates stirring a jar of peanut butter.

It’s annoying as shit, isn’t it?

The oil gets all over the place and Crissy winds up with peanut butter all over her hands and the counter and her clothes and almost none of it stays in the jar and so by the time it’s all stirred, there’s only a half a jar left and a giant cleaning headache Crissy didn’t count on. And the whole time she’s stirring, Crissy is thinking to herself “I must be doing this wrong. This shouldn’t be a problem.” And Crissy can never find the proper peanut butter mixing tool. A butter knife just sort of mushes it around instead of stirring, and the handle on an iced tea spoon is too thin and feels like it’s going to bend. Nothing else fits into the mouth of the jar and so Crissy is totally fucked (or “porked” as her dad always says) and she rarely gets the peanut butter mixed properly and some of it is soup and the rest is like peanut dust and when Crissy tries to spread it, it rips the fucking bread, creating a whole ‘nuther situation that displeases an already frustrated Crissy.

And so out of frustration, Crissy turned to Facebook to enter a formal complaint about how peanut butter stirring sucks ass and

WHY CAN’T THEY JUST STIR THE PEANUT BUTTER FOR CRISSY?

What is the world coming to, Queefies, when the Queen of Fucking Everything is owned by a jar of peanut butter? Crissy refuses to accept this!

There must be a better way!

And you know what? The Facebook peoples all had marvelous suggestions that totally blew Crissy’s mind and so she thought she would share them with the Queefies just in case she’s not the only one who’s angry about peanut butter and it turns out that K8 is a genius because she said to just store the jar upside down and so the oil stays at the bottom and it makes it less messy and Marc, Crissy’s realtor, suggested to just buy it already mixed instead and then her friend Jessica suggested buying Peanut Spread instead because there’s less fat in it and you don’t have to mix it and Crissy didn’t even know such a marvelous thing existed and apparently Schmuckytown Stop and Shop isn’t as badass as she thought it was because why didn’t Crissy know about this Peanut Spread?

Queefies, there is a new day dawning.
The sun has come over the mountain, and all of Crissy’s peanut butter woes have been solved!

Next you’re going to tell her there’s an easy way to get past the safety seal on a bottle of vitamins without injury.

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22 comments

  1. I totally agree with you about having to stir the peanut butter, total mess. I have seen advertised a special tool just for it though. It had a lid that you screwed on, it had a corkscrew looking thing that went into the peanut butter and a handle on the outside. So you screw it onto the jar and then turn the handle mixing the peanut butter.
    I tried to attach a picture, but I wasn’t able to. Now I know what to get you for Christmas.

  2. I guess you are buying the ‘natural’ peanut butter? I buy the cheap Jif knock off—and it always stayes smooth and un-seperated. I don’t really eat peanut butter, because, ewwww…I don’t really like it, BUT, my manly household practically becomes VERKLEMPT if we run out. We must always have creamy cheapo peanut butter and chunky or better yet, EXTRA CHUNKY cheapo peanut butter at all times. Peanut butter is used for waffles, french toast and pancakes at my house. Along with standard sandwiches and so forth.

    Oh…I do use PB occasionally in an asian sauce I make….but really, that’s it.

    So……should I be stirring my preservative laden jars or is is just the natural stuff that needs stirring.

    OH….OH….OH…..we have alot of Mennonite stores in the rural areas around my town. And they usually have FLAVORED natural peanut butter that they grind right there in the store….in a little machine. They have honey roasted peanut butter, CHOCOLATE peanut butter, almond butter and cashew butter. Now, some of those are GOOOOOODDDD.

  3. See, I grew up a JIF girl and my husband a natural boy. So we have both kinds. He stores his upside down too. However, when he does need to stir it, it causes the same mess. I didn’t know they made the pre-stirred natural kind or even the spread stuff. I will have to check it out! I’m really glad to know that QOEF is out there solving REAL problems for REAL people!!

  4. We also eat Jiff; can’t help you. My kids wouldn’t eat the natural stuff if you paid them. In fact anything remotely healthy is rejected by my children. And the Pop Tarts MUST have frosting.

  5. K8 really is brilliant. I also hate to stir the PB. Once, we put it in the electric mixer. That was a stupid idea. Stirred peanut butter doesn’t slide back into the tiny jar as smoothly as you might imagine.

    I like the idea of PB spread. However, I’m a little suspicious. Do you suppose it’s anything like Cheese Food?
    .-= chickenlips’s last blog post… my obsession =-.

  6. i did some research on “peanut spread.”

    basically it’s sweet peanut butter. you take peanut butter and add corn syrup (some folks use maple syrup) and marshmallow fluff, and mix it all up.

    as such, it’s not quite a substitute for peanut butter.

  7. Kate is brilliant. Why didn’t I think of that?!? Her response totally trumps mine, which is to put Girlfriend in charge of mixing. I mean, it’ll entertain her for hours. And you usually have to clean up her mess, so why bother making a mess of your own. Kill two birds with one stone on that one!
    .-= SoMi’s Nilsa’s last blog post… IRL =-.

  8. I get my peanut butter the good old fashioned American way. In a Reeces Peanut Butter cup! Chocolate and Peanut Butter at the same time. I’d tell you the best place to eat Mini Reeces Peanut Butter cups, but I’m sure Mister can tell/show you later.

  9. Years ago, in a paint store, I saw a machine for “stirring” cans of paint. You clamped the can in really tightly and the motorized thing shook it like crazy for a minute or so. Do they still have them in paint stores? I guess that would be James Bond paint – shaken, not stirred.

    From the moment I saw it, I thought of all sorts of things it could be used for besides paint, and now you’ve come up with another.
    .-= M.’s last blog post… The General Theory of Employment, Interest and Money =-.

  10. Once I got the comment..honey, your boobs are leaking. no, no, it’s just the peanut oil from the top of the jar that founds its way to the front of my shirt. but k8 really is brilliant!! i’ll have to try this myself with the next jar…stupid all natural peanut butter!

  11. A chopstick works everytime for me. Just stab down five or six times to make holes for the oil to flow down through, stir with the chopstick and voila. Natural peanut butter, stirred. That peanut spread doesn’t particularly sound like food.

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