Oh Queefies, thank you! You’ll all get virgins and chocolates in heaven unless you’d prefer sluts to virgins or just double chocolate instead of sex, but you will be rewarded for your loyalty to the queen! They pay Crissy to bring the party, you know and when the party doesn’t come, Crissy looks like an ass. Or at least she feels like an ass–sort of like when you tell a joke at a party and everyone walks away.
So anyway, thanks for that and you know what else makes Crissy so mad you guys?
The other day Crissy was stirring a jar of peanut butter and she realized that she hates stirring a jar of peanut butter.
It’s annoying as shit, isn’t it?
The oil gets all over the place and Crissy winds up with peanut butter all over her hands and the counter and her clothes and almost none of it stays in the jar and so by the time it’s all stirred, there’s only a half a jar left and a giant cleaning headache Crissy didn’t count on. And the whole time she’s stirring, Crissy is thinking to herself “I must be doing this wrong. This shouldn’t be a problem.” And Crissy can never find the proper peanut butter mixing tool. A butter knife just sort of mushes it around instead of stirring, and the handle on an iced tea spoon is too thin and feels like it’s going to bend. Nothing else fits into the mouth of the jar and so Crissy is totally fucked (or “porked” as her dad always says) and she rarely gets the peanut butter mixed properly and some of it is soup and the rest is like peanut dust and when Crissy tries to spread it, it rips the fucking bread, creating a whole ‘nuther situation that displeases an already frustrated Crissy.
And so out of frustration, Crissy turned to Facebook to enter a formal complaint about how peanut butter stirring sucks ass and
WHY CAN’T THEY JUST STIR THE PEANUT BUTTER FOR CRISSY?
What is the world coming to, Queefies, when the Queen of Fucking Everything is owned by a jar of peanut butter? Crissy refuses to accept this!
There must be a better way!
And you know what? The Facebook peoples all had marvelous suggestions that totally blew Crissy’s mind and so she thought she would share them with the Queefies just in case she’s not the only one who’s angry about peanut butter and it turns out that K8 is a genius because she said to just store the jar upside down and so the oil stays at the bottom and it makes it less messy and Marc, Crissy’s realtor, suggested to just buy it already mixed instead and then her friend Jessica suggested buying Peanut Spread instead because there’s less fat in it and you don’t have to mix it and Crissy didn’t even know such a marvelous thing existed and apparently Schmuckytown Stop and Shop isn’t as badass as she thought it was because why didn’t Crissy know about this Peanut Spread?
Queefies, there is a new day dawning.
The sun has come over the mountain, and all of Crissy’s peanut butter woes have been solved!
Next you’re going to tell her there’s an easy way to get past the safety seal on a bottle of vitamins without injury.
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