So there Crissy was, minding her own business and sitting at the kitchen counter with Homeslice finally sleeping in her swing after a morning of being a big giant pain in the whatie when Crissy stood up from her chair and quickly started for the fridge for her 12pm diet coke emergency when THE FUCKING CHAIR SHE WAS IN FOLLOWED HER, CRASHED TO THE FLOOR, AND WOKE UP HOMESLICE!!!
What the shit?
And Crissy figured out what happened by using her extensive powers of deductive reasoning which you cannot possibly comprehend because they’re so, so, so, complex.
What happened, Queefies, is that while Crissy was sitting down, Girlfriend, who is obsessed with learning how to tie things up, was playing around behind Crissy and Crissy thought she was just drinking bleach or building a pipe bomb or something, but what she really did was tie the strings of the apron Crissy had on to protect her work outfit from baby puke to the chair and when Crissy got up, the chair followed her.
And when it crashed to the floor, it scared the crappypants off of poor Homeslice who was finally sleeping so peacefully like a little lamb or a soft baby kitten or Crissy after a Xanax and a fifth of 151.
Crissy was not. pleased.
And she almost went ballistic on Girlfriend who was just sort of standing there looking rather satisfied and excited that her diabolical plan had worked and it reminded Crissy of the time her brother, the naughty little bastard, tied her mom’s sneaker laces together whilst she was napping and then went off to do evil. When Crissy’s mom got up, she fell into the door and came crashing through it, landing right on her noggin.
What Crissy is trying to say here Queefs is that you shouldn’t wear shoes while napping or an apron while sitting in a chair because you never know when some naughty little bastard is going to tie them together and cause big trouble for you.
The end.
PS: Who sleeps with their shoes on anyway (besides Crissy’s mom and Frankenstein. And…horses)?
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That’s why you cut off their fingers before they turn five, amiright?
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How old is Girlfriend…4? I’ve got one of those (he likes to call himself Superman)…I wonder what would happen if you put two of them together? Oh Good God, my kids exhaust the hell out of me! And I just noticed, 5.34 am?!?! I just got another wave of exhaustion…why did no one warn us it would be like this? OK, I’m done now. Have a lovely day!
Ha ha ha ha ha!! Girlfriend is one smart cookie, and so funny. Maybe not so funny when Homeslice is sleeping, but I bet she thought it was awesomeness.
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I’m sorry, but this made me really laugh this morning. And I’m so verrrry tired this morning. I am also a little annoyed that of the five of us kids, I don’t remember any of us doing anything like this. How can that be possible? I mean, if monkeys randomly typing can produce the works of Shakespeare, surely 5 kids would have randomly tied something to something to make it crash.
Girlfriend is getting more and more like Crissy every day.
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I love Girlfriend.
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it is a cross between awesomeness and scary that Girlfriend has become obsessed by tying things up. I hope the Crissy’s do not live too near train tracks.
I always found it difficult to really be mad at The Girl when she did something naughty that showed the Evil Genius budding within… And secretly cheered to myself when she did things like tell the Mom of a friend where she was spending the night (as Mom went ballistic about something) “You can’t yell at me like that, you’re not my Mom” (which stopped the Mom dead in her tracks). It’s a fine line, Crissy. I hope you all survive!
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She’s so wonderful, I can hardly stand it. Did you yell at her or congratulate her on her evil plan? I mean, you DO want to encourage this, right?
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i think the best part is girlfriend didn’t look alarmed, or scared she’d be in trouble, or worried… she looked SATISFIED. nicely done, girlfriend
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No, I think you’re trying to say that children are evil. No wait…that’s what I’m trying to say.
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Something else I’m getting tired of in this country is all this stupid talk
I have to listen to about children. That’s all you hear about anymore,
children: “Help the children, save the children, protect the children.” You
know what I say? Fuck the children!
They’re getting entirely too much attention. And I know what some of you are
thinking: ” Jesus, he’s not going to attack children, is he?” Yes he is!
He’s going to attack children. And remember, this is Mr. Conductor talking;
I know what I’m talking about.
And I also know that all you boring single dads and working moms, who think
you’re such fucking heros, aren’t gonna like this, but somebody’s gotta tell
you for your own good: your children are overrated and overvalued, and
you’ve turned them into little cult objects. You have a child fetish, and
it’s not healthy. And don’t give me all that weak shit, “Well, I love my
children.” Fuck you! Everybody loves their children; it doesn’t make you
special. : : : John Wayne Gacy loved his children. Yes, he did. That’s not
what I’m talking about. What I’m talking about is this constant, mindless
yammering in the media, this neurotic fixation that suggests that somehow
everything–everything–has to revolve around the lives of children. Ist’s
completely out of balance.
Listen, there are a couple of things about kids you have to remember. First
of all, they’re not all cute. In fact, if you look at ‘em real close, most
of them are rather unpleasant looking. And a lot of them don’t smell too
good either. The little ones in particular seem to have a kind of urine and
sour-milk combination that I don’t care for at all. Stay with me on this
folks, the sooner you face it the better off your going to be.
Second, premise: not all chidren are smart and clever. Got that? Kids are
like any other group of people: a few winners, a whole lot of losers! This
country is filled with loser kids who simply…aren’t…going anywhere! And
there’s nothing you can do about it, folks. Nothing! You can’t save them
all. You can’t do it. You gotta let ‘em go; you gotta cut ‘em loose; you
gotta stop over-protecting them, because your making ‘em too soft.
Today’s kids are way too soft. : : : For one thing, there’s too much
emphasis on safety and safety equipment: childproof medicine bottles,
fireproof pajamas, child restraints, car seats. And helmets! Bicycle,
baseball, skateboard, scooter helmets. Kids have to wear helmets now for
everything but jerking off. Grown-ups have taken all the fun out of being a
kid. : : : What’s happened is, these baby boomers, these soft, fruity baby
boomers, have raised an entire generation of soft, fruity kids who aren’t
even allowed hazardous toys, for Chrissakes! What ever happened to natural
selection? Survival of the fittest? The kid who swallows too many marbles
doesn’t grow up to have kids of his own. Simple stuff. Nature knows best!
Another bunch of ignorant bullshit about your children: school uniforms. Bad
theory! The idea that if kids wear uniforms to school, it helps keep order.
Hey! Don’t these schools do enough damage makin’ all these children think
alike? Now they’re gonna get ‘em to look alike, too? : : : And it’s not even
a new idea; I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard
to understand, because the narration was in German! But the uniforms looked
beautiful. And the children did everything they were told and never
questioned authority. Gee, I wonder why someone would want to put our
children in uniforms. Can’t imagine.
And one more item about children: this superstitous nonsense of blaming
tobacco companies for kids who smoke. Listem! Kids don’t smoke because a
camel in sunglasses tells them to. They smoke for the same reasons adults
do, because it’s an enjoyable activity that relieves anxiety and depression.
And you’d be anxious and depressed too if you had to put up with these
pathetic, insecure, yuppie parents who enroll you in college before you’ve
figured out which side of the playpen smells the worst and then fill you
with Ritalin to get you in a mood they approve of, and drag you all over
town in search of empty, meaningless structure: Little League, Cub Scouts,
swimming, soccer, karate, piano, bagpipes, watercolors, witchcraft, glass
blowing, and dildo practice. It’s absurd. : : : They even have “play dates”,
for Christ sake! Playing is now done by appointment! But it’s true. A lot of
these striving, and parents are burning their kids out on structure. I think
what every child needs and ought to have every day is two hours of
daydreaming. Plain old daydreaming.
Turn off the internet, the CD-ROMS, and the computer games and let them
stare at a tree for a couple of hours. Every now and then they actually come
up with one of their own ideas. You want to know how to help your kids?
Leave them the fuck alone.
I can’t believe George is dead.
This made me laugh, and I totally needed that today. Poor Crissy & Homeslice, but oh so funny.
RHz’s last blog post… Today’s posting is brought to you by Graph Jam, since I’m too busy to say anything of value.
HILARIOUS. Thank you. I needed that laugh this morning. I’m so glad I’m not the only one with evil, slightly misunderstood children.
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I think pimp needs a little sexytime…. He seems a little grouchier than normal.
i DO need a little sexytime.
however, that was a cut and paste of a george carlin rant.
OMG….I’m not sure which made me laugh more, Crissy’s post or Pimp’s rant!!!
You guys made my day, I needed that!
Girlfriend is an evil genius in the making, that’s for sure…
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I’m pretty sure that’s why they make you take off your shoes before doing yoga. Because if you accidentally let Girlfriend tie your shoes together before doing those kinds of poses … well, I’m pretty sure someone will die.
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I do love me some George. And you know, he does have a point. When people judge me with their judgy eyes when I order a glass of beer or wine in my preggers state, I just ignore it. One glass on occasion doesn’t equal fetal alcohol. If I had one glass every hour, maybe. But our moms all drank and smoked and inhaled lead paint and most of us turned out just okay.
there IS an awful lot of “kid worship” that goes on.
the thing is, it plays against your guilt over whether or not you’re a good parent. nobody wants to be a “bad parent.”
however i feel that it sends a very dangerous message to the kids that they ARE the center of the world.
i DO think that the best thing you can do for your kids is love your spouse, show THEM the affection and attention.
i don’t need to give value to EVERY act of my child, even as she looks to me for approval. i don’t need to reward EVERY instance of good behavior.
what i DO need to do is prepare them for the world, which is a place largely inhabited by people a lot less than smart, a lot less than honest, and a lot less than empathic… and i need to model good husband/father/friend/citizen behavior, in that order.
the human race has survived dark times, times in which there wasn’t such a thing as child psychology. i daresay that the adults those children grew up to be were better adjusted to reality–and perhaps even HAPPIER, god forbid–than the majority of today’s kids will turn out.
I think Pimp should run for President of Girlfriend’s school PTA! Also he should get some sexy time! And some fish tacos! Or is that the same thing?
amen brutha Ken! I believe that kids are way over-rated…and while all kids may be “gifted” it may be in making bird nests out of shit. That may be their gift. Not too marketable…
I will tell you though, with all due respect to George, that uniforms aren’t all bad–you wear the same clothes 2 days in a row and no one knows…and your entire school wardrobe is $100!
Girlfriend rocks! Get her a new dollie for that one. Sorry Homeslice nearly jumped out of her baby-soft skin, but it was friggin’ hilarious.
Mister, can I have your autograph?
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George was right. I know parents who do all of their kids homework for them. What will they learn from that other than to make someone their bitch? Then I actually feel guilty for not doing the same and expecting my kids to do their own work. It’s insane.
hahahaha, this post had me rolling lol
Girlfriend clearly has the makings of an evil mastermind!
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she makes me proud!
This is one of the funniest stories I’ve read in a long time. Thank goodness you love both of your children because if it was someone else’s kid who woke up my crabby-ass baby, I’d kill em.
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Did you know, that In the late 19th century, soft but durable leather shoes were the preferred choice of baseball players.