The Woodland Gays almost ATE Mister!!!

So Mister called Crissy at work last night because apparently he was almost EATEN by the Woodland Gays when he tried to take the childrens for a walk in the woods!

It all stared when the Crissys were driving to Crissy’s mother’s house when they saw a yard sale and the people were selling a manly sort of backpack baby carrier thingy. They’re usually very expensive and that’s why the Crissys didn’t have one, but this one was very clean and in perfect condition and it was only $10 and since Mister has wanted one since Girlfriend was a baby, he bought it.  Crissy was very happy for him.

And he wanted to test it out yesterday afternoon so he packed all the kids up and even brought a bottle of boobie juice for Homeslice PLUS the bottle warmer and headed out to Schmuckytown Woods for a little hike on the Equestrian trails to take some pictures of some horse shit because why the fuck not?


Artfully done, Mister.  Bravo!

Also, he found was a swarm of Woodland Gays.

And you can’t see the kids in the car, Queefies.

So Mister looked like he was there in the woods in his car alllll alone and lonely just wishin’ and a hopin’ to meet a nice fella.

With techno playing.

And the windows were down for all to hear.

He’s also been known to rock a little Confessions on a Dance Floor.

Jesus, Mister.

Why don’t you just run into the woods holding a stack of gay porn and a bottle of corn hole oil and pull your pants down while shouting  “COME AND GET ME BOYS!”

And he was wearing a baby yellow shirt that Crissy bought for him and is now reconsidering because he looks a little bit gay for play in it if you know what Crissy means.

Crissy doesn’t really even know what she means.

And Mister realized this and decided to turn off the techno and for christ sake lose the gay shirt and move his car because it was quite clear to him that he had already attracted the attention of some gentlemen of the Woodland Gay persuasion and when he moved, another dude started following him in his car. No shit. And then another guy at a different trail he pulled up to was sort of giving him the ol’ come hither to follow him into the woods and so then Mister had to leave AGAIN!

Crissy is starting to think that the Woodland Gays are not very discriminating fellows.  They seem to be willing to put their wenises in anybody’s bum.  No introductions necessary.

Mister finally decided that even though both kids were sleeping, he should get out of the car and show the Gays he was NOT there for a poke in the bum-bum, he was just a straight dude looking to try out his new baby carrier thing.




Thank goodness the story has a happy ending, but Mister almost got ate!

Day-um. You Woodland Gays is scary!

(Crissy does not know when or how or why she turned into a southern black man, but she did and she’s been talking like that for days now. It makes Homeslice laugh.)

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  1. It was Savers that did it.
    Homeslice is freaking adorable and makes my uterus hurt.
    I want to see photos if mister’s car, because it looks like it is only thisfar off the ground. Around here, that is a sign there is a 17 year old driving.

  2. it’s low, but it’s not THAT low. here is a picture of it in a boatyard:

    i could be the father of a 17 year old. easily! 😉

    i can’t help it if the gays have impeccable taste. besides, i’ve ALWAYS been bait.

    also, i don’t think there’s so much fudgepacking going on as there is blowjobbing. it’s just a lot easier for a quickie. like i said though, they seem to stay well away from the equestrian trails…

    .-= Crissy’s Pimp’s last blog post… 9/10 =-.

  3. hmm, i dunno. is “fudgepacking” offensive? i never thought it was, so that’s my context.

    we need additional input.

    shall i say “anal coitus” while wearing glasses, smoking a pipe, and rubbing my chin instead? it just sounds so pompous and freudian.

    i suppose the old standby “buttfucking” is concise and direct, eh?

  4. By the looks on Homeslice’s face, I’m pretty sure she had some not very nice things to say to the Woodland Gays. I’m quite certain she scared them away, never to bother Mister again. Though, I think Mister should bring Homeslice with him whenever he goes … just to be sure.
    .-= SoMi’s Nilsa’s last blog post… Replay =-.

  5. Maybe being internet friends with some of us who live in the South is rubbing off on you? Next thing you know you’ll be using “y’all” and “fixin” on your videos. We can even teach you their proper usage.

    And your girls are beautiful! I know you post their pictures for gratuituos compliments, so I’ll gladly join in and give you one 🙂

  6. And PS, if I ever find myself in RI, I really want you to take me to this magical woods. I really really really want to meet a Woodland Gay!

  7. I’m with Daisee. In fact, I would like to suggest that next summer there should be a first annual Crissy reunion (can you have a first reunion? Wouldn’t that be a meet and greet; or in Mister’s case a MEAT and greet?). Anyway we can have a big Crissy parade starting out at Savers, then the Smucketytown Library, after that a skip over to The Gay Forest, maybe a drive by the Rabbit House. I would pay a million Pesos to attend.

  8. Um…it wasn’t the Woodland Gays. it was me. Dressed as a Woodland Gay—I just wanted to SEE Mister….not touch.

    Of course, I was hoping to see Crissy as well, because, you know I would SO touch her!

  9. Oh Heavens that baby of yours is cute! I’m with Melissa Lion-I want to give her tuba smooches til she squeals with delight. Can I be on the mailing list, too?

    That baby carrier is quite the piece of apparatus. I looks like once you have it on your back the legs on that thing are just about girlfriend-height. If walking around in it becomes hazardous it can be used just as a baby stand.

  10. Pimp, sorry I’m not messican, but I do love the food. Do you have any Long John Silver resturants by you? They are advertising a fish taco. I offered to pay in Pesos because they are worth about .0002 cents on the US dollar, and a million Pesos sounded a lot better than $200.00.

  11. OMG, homeslice is amazingly, amazingly adorable! Shes the kinda baby that I bring up on the screen to show any and every one of my friends and they’re left wondering why I’m showing them some persons baby who I claim I kinda know. Hahahahahah

  12. “And how the hell did Mister take a photog of Homeslice when she was ON HIS BACK? That is mastermind bodyflexing.”

    natballs: it wasn’t easy. that was the better of two shots i took. the other wasn’t focused properly.

    “That baby carrier is quite the piece of apparatus. I looks like once you have it on your back the legs on that thing are just about girlfriend-height. If walking around in it becomes hazardous it can be used just as a baby stand.”

    annabelle: the rear legs actually fold in, against the front legs, when you’re not using them.

    “Is that a rainbow shirt I spy Homeslice wearing? Because, you know, that might have had something to do with the Woodland Gays coming out to play, too.”

    jordan: now that you mention it, indeed it IS a rainbow shirt she was wearing. i’ll have to be sure to check that next time before i venture out. 🙂

  13. Holy crap with the new page! I thought disco music was about to play! Yay…this is so purrrrty….

    Your baby is so cute and your daughter is such a cupcake.

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