Archive for September, 2009

Crissy didn’t tell you this, Queefies, but her dishwasher exploded last week and it make a horrible chokey coughing sound and then a metallic grinding sound and then it just stopped.  And when Crissy tried to start it again, it did another terrible, terrible death rattle and then FLAMES SHOT OUT FROM UNDER IT.

And so that was the end of a thirty year old Kitchen Aid dishwasher.  Not too glamorous, but very dramatic. And so for the past week, Crissy has been washing dishes.  WITH HER HANDS!

It’s been a hell because you cannot wash dishes with a Homeslice on your hip, Queefies.  And a Homeslice hates to be put down for any reason, even so Crissy can do the dishes.  It’s no excuse if you ask a Homeslice and so Crissy had to wash dishes WITH HER HANDS while a Homeslice CRIED HER ASS OFF.

The good news is that the new one comes today and thank goodness for the Toy With Mes because Crissy’s first monies are going to go toward the new dishwasher.

Your queen leads a very glamorous life, you know.

And speaking of glamor,  It’s WEDNESDAY and you know what that means!

Today Crissy will educate you on the Make-your-own-dildo and Clone-a-pussy kits!

Come on!

Let Crissy ask you something, Queefies.

Is it just Crissy or does this thing scare the piss out of you?

Right?

Imagine that little fucker falling out of a tree at you! Crissy would lose her mind.

It’s called an Aye-Aye and it’s from Madagascar and look at his little hands!

That’s so not right!

The babies are sort of cute,

But baby things usually are cute.

Even baby gila monsters are kind of cute in a get that freaky looking thing the hell away from me sort of  way.

But Crissy thinks God is and always was a really big pot head, and when he created the Aye-Aye he must have been smoking some particularly good KB with um, St. Francis, and was all “Hahahahahahaha! Yo check this out, mang! Hahahahahahahaha! This is some fuckin’ sick shit right here! Folks gonna be all scared of this thing and like, run away from it and shit! Hahahahahaha!” And St. Francis was all “God, you know what? You one crazy muthafucka!”

And then they went to White Castle.

The end.

So in Girlfriend’s backpack there was a giant wad of papers regarding various bullshit going on at the school, and with it was a lovely orange slip explaining the snacktime policy.

And it says:

We are aware that snack has caused a bit of confusion.  Please refer to the calendar.  If there is an “S” listed, that means someone in the class will be bringing in a group snack.  ON those days, you do not have to bring in your own snack/drink. On pizza days, you will see a “D” listed.  This is the drink/dessert snack used with pizza.  We will offer dessert/snack to every student.  You can check the calendar in the kitchen to sign up for either “S” snack/drink or “D” drink/dessert snack.  The snack at pizza time does not have to be dessert.  When you sign up to bring in the pizza, drink/dessert, you do not need to pay for pizza that day.

And it goes on to explain how the lunchboxes should only contain re-usable drink and food containers and only cloth napkins and label everything with your child’s name and for the love of all that is good and decent in this world,  NO MOTHERFUCKING PEANUT BUTTER.

(actually, they allow peanut butter, but if there is peanut butter that day, the allergic kids have to sit at another table and Crissy does not want Girlfriend to be the one who brings the poison so it’s as good as forbidden if you ask Crissy.)

And Crissy is all for re-usable containers and cloth napkins and everything.  No problemo, really.   Crissy just thinks the snacktime policy meant to clear up the confusion is  confusing.  Maybe Crissy is just wicked tired and shit, but she had to read that mother three times before it made any sense to her and she considered making a diagram where snack drink dessert equaled “S” and drink dessert snack pizza equaled “D” but only sometimes on special “P” days and then when Mister came home, she gave it to him and he was actually clutching his tummy from laughing so hard because what the fuck?

But Crissy thinks she’s confused because the slip is written in anyone?  anyone?

Escalade Pajama Cunt Language.

As the Queefies know, Crissy does not speak that language, the language of pajamas out in public paired with violently sparkly gigantic diamond earrings, fake tans, and huge SUVs.  And you know what, Queefies?  Anyone with pierced ears knows you cannot sleep (or use the phone) while wearing big earrings.  It is impossible, which means they take the time to put them on in the morning, but cannot take the time to PUT ON A PAIR OF FUCKING PANTS!

Ahem.

When Crissy  drops Girlfriend off, the EPCs literally corner the principal of the school and barrage her  with comments regarding her policies and she tries to make them all happy by creating the most complicated snackdrinkpizzadessertdrinksnack policy ever. Crissy has better things to do than care about such trivia, but the EPCs are always trying to manipulate the principal to suit their particular busy schedule of personal trainer appointments and pedicures and blowing their pool boys and dog trainers.  I HAVE TO MAKE A SNACK EVERY DAY?  THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS! WHO CAN I TALK TO ABOUT THIS?

Just pour some juice in a sippy cup,  throw a handful of a pretzels in a gladwear container and you’re done,  asshole.

Crissy thinks she should be in charge of the snacktime policy because Crissy has a whole ‘nuther kind of  language for them.

PS: Did you know that CUNT actually stands for Can’t Understand Normal Thinking? It does! It’s the perfect name for them, no?  Crissy is so smart.

PSS: Crissy is up at Toy With Me this morning!  WHAT?  It isn’t Wednesday! But the glorious thing Crissy wrote for Wednesday was so glorious they decided to post it today AND Crissy will have something else for Wednesday too!  Holy shit!  COME LAUGH YOUR ASS OFF ON A SHITTY MONDAY MORNING!

Oh Queefies, thank you! You’ll all get virgins and chocolates in heaven unless you’d prefer sluts to virgins or just double chocolate instead of sex, but you will be rewarded for your loyalty to the queen! They pay Crissy to bring the party, you know and when the party doesn’t come, Crissy looks like an ass. Or at least she feels like an ass–sort of like when you tell a joke at a party and everyone walks away.

That’s tough.

So anyway, thanks for that and you know what else makes Crissy so mad you guys?

Peanut butter.

The other day Crissy was stirring a jar of peanut butter and she realized that she hates stirring a jar of peanut butter.

It’s annoying as shit, isn’t it?

The oil gets all over the place and Crissy winds up with peanut butter all over her hands and the counter and her clothes and almost none of it stays in the jar and so by the time it’s all stirred, there’s only a half a jar left and a giant cleaning headache Crissy didn’t count on. And the whole time she’s stirring, Crissy is thinking to herself “I must be doing this wrong. This shouldn’t be a problem.” And Crissy can never find the proper peanut butter mixing tool. A butter knife just sort of mushes it around instead of stirring, and the handle on an iced tea spoon is too thin and feels like it’s going to bend. Nothing else fits into the mouth of the jar and so Crissy is totally fucked (or “porked” as her dad always says) and she rarely gets the peanut butter mixed properly and some of it is soup and the rest is like peanut dust and when Crissy tries to spread it, it rips the fucking bread, creating a whole ‘nuther situation that displeases an already frustrated Crissy.

And so out of frustration, Crissy turned to Facebook to enter a formal complaint about how peanut butter stirring sucks ass and

WHY CAN’T THEY JUST STIR THE PEANUT BUTTER FOR CRISSY?

What is the world coming to, Queefies, when the Queen of Fucking Everything is owned by a jar of peanut butter? Crissy refuses to accept this!

There must be a better way!

And you know what? The Facebook peoples all had marvelous suggestions that totally blew Crissy’s mind and so she thought she would share them with the Queefies just in case she’s not the only one who’s angry about peanut butter and it turns out that K8 is a genius because she said to just store the jar upside down and so the oil stays at the bottom and it makes it less messy and Marc, Crissy’s realtor, suggested to just buy it already mixed instead and then her friend Jessica suggested buying Peanut Spread instead because there’s less fat in it and you don’t have to mix it and Crissy didn’t even know such a marvelous thing existed and apparently Schmuckytown Stop and Shop isn’t as badass as she thought it was because why didn’t Crissy know about this Peanut Spread?

Queefies, there is a new day dawning.
The sun has come over the mountain, and all of Crissy’s peanut butter woes have been solved!

Next you’re going to tell her there’s an easy way to get past the safety seal on a bottle of vitamins without injury.

Crissy is disappointed by the number of Queefs who have been going to see her at Toy With Me on Wednesdays and so she is witholding her Wednesday posts from you until further notice. Don’t get mad. You brought this on yourselves, you naughty, bad, Queefies.

Crissy should spank each and every one of you, very roughly.

And the good, loyal, wonderful Queefs who come to support their Queen Crissy shall receive 40 hot virgins and all the chocolates they want when they get to heaven.

You pick what you want, but Crissy has written a glorious thing for them and you can even learn stuff about Crissy that you don’t know yet (what?) and it actually made Mister laugh ,which he never does because he does not think Crissy is funny. Until now.

So go to Toy With Me and if Crissy’s glorious thing isn’t posted yet, it will be very soon.

So there Crissy was, minding her own business and sitting at the kitchen counter with Homeslice finally sleeping in her swing after a morning of being a big giant pain in the whatie when Crissy stood up from her chair and quickly started for the fridge for her 12pm diet coke emergency when THE FUCKING CHAIR SHE WAS IN FOLLOWED HER, CRASHED TO THE FLOOR, AND WOKE UP HOMESLICE!!!

What the shit?

And Crissy figured out what happened by using her extensive powers of deductive reasoning which you cannot possibly comprehend because they’re so, so, so, complex.

What happened, Queefies, is that while Crissy was sitting down, Girlfriend, who is obsessed with learning how to tie things up, was playing around behind Crissy and Crissy thought she was just drinking bleach or building a pipe bomb or something, but what she really did was tie the strings of the apron Crissy had on to protect her work outfit from baby puke to the chair and when Crissy got up, the chair followed her.

And when it crashed to the floor, it scared the crappypants off of poor Homeslice who was finally sleeping  so peacefully like a little lamb or a soft baby kitten or Crissy after a Xanax and a fifth of 151.

Crissy was not. pleased.

And she almost went ballistic on Girlfriend who was just sort of standing there looking rather satisfied and excited that her diabolical plan had worked and it reminded Crissy of the time her brother, the naughty little bastard, tied her mom’s sneaker laces together whilst she was napping and then went off to do evil. When Crissy’s mom got up, she fell into the door and came crashing through it, landing right on her noggin.

What Crissy is trying to say here Queefs is that you shouldn’t wear shoes while napping or an apron while sitting in a chair because you never know when some naughty little bastard is going to tie them together and cause big trouble for you.

The end.

PS: Who sleeps with their shoes on anyway (besides Crissy’s mom and Frankenstein. And…horses)?

Morning Queefies!

Crissy had a really crazy weekend and it went by in a flash and it’s sort of like a blackout or something but Crissy only had like two glasses of wine all weekend and OH HOW THAT MAKES CRISSY SO SAD but Crissy was actually too busy to drink!

That has never happened before.

There’s always room for jell-o and there’s always time for wine.  Or so Crissy thought.

One of the things Crissy did was take Girlfriend shopping for school shoes at the Wrentham Village Premium Outlets.

And Crissy learned a very valuable lesson, Queefies.

Never go to the outlets on a beautiful Saturday morning.

In fact, Crissy is going to make it another one of her mottoes.

It was a fucking zoo you guys and it was a pretty miserable experience trying to navigate a stroller through tightly packed racks and narrow aisles at the shoe store what with all the people and their fat, aisle blocking asses and all ho. lee.shit! the double wide strollers!  It was crazy retarded and Crissy felt very superior to all the breeders with their gangs of  little kids in double wides until she realized that she is no longer the tidy and superior mother of only one child.

SHIT!

Crissy hates it when she lives in a glass house and tries to throw rocks or stones or judgmental glances and stuff at people.

What Crissy is trying to say is look at all the fucking people at Gap Outlet!

It was insane and Crissy just gave up and went home before she had to punch somebody in the face.

But do you like that picture of Homeslice, Queefies?  Crissy laughed and laughed at this comment somebody left on Flickr:

“look at all those accessories mang!! that is one pimped out stroller. the look on her face says she knows it and she’s fucking boss.”

Hahahahaha!

And then on Sunday, poor Mister got roped into something he didn’t want to do and was gone for 12 hours which left Crissy alone with the two kids on cleaning and laundry and writing day.  Crissy’s mom and brother came to help because Crissy found out she is not Superwoman! This is very disappointing news.  It was a living hell and Crissy maybe lied a little bit to the Queefies when she said she didn’t have time for wine because she put the kids to bed at 7 and drank an entire bottle of wine in about an hour.

WHAT?

That’s normal, right?

So Crissy’s friend Celina at work (remember Celina got Crissy some cake on her first day back at work?  We love her, don’t we Queefs?) brought in some beer for her to try because it has beet juice in it or some shit and it sounded interesting and so Crissy, who doesn’t ordinarily drink beer, said to her “Sure.  Bring it. Crissy will give it a whirl” and Crissy planned to bring it home and watch a little True Blood with her beet red beer from Celina and it was going to be very festive and vampire-y but then Crissy started feeling like ass.

Girlfriend is feeling much better thanks for asking but Crissy and Mister are sick now and Crissy is praying she’s got Swine Flu and not Baby Fever because she doesn’t know if that Plan B thing worked yet and she’d much rather have Swine Flu because at least that goes away eventually and you don’t have to start a college plan for Swine Flu, Queefs.  You can drink wine with the Swine Flu.  You don’t have to get a babysitter for Swine Flu.  You see where Crissy is going with this can’t you?

PLEASE JESUS LET IT BE SWINE FLU!

Crissy has never wanted swine flu so badly in her life.

Anyway, Crissy started to feel like ass and her focus on her work was just like, forget it and so she looked at the beer and the beer looked at her and it said “what are you waiting for, Crissy?” and so Crissy popped the top off and drank it and said “beer, you are quite delicious.”

So there Crissy was right in the back room of Schmuckytown Pubic talking to a bottle of beet beer whilst someone was in the supply closet singing and playing guitar.

It was a bizarre night to say the very least and maybe Crissy didn’t really drink the beer and maybe the guy in the closet was really a CD player, but she thought about drinking the beer because that CD player was quite convincing and everyone knows that nothing goes better with live music than beet beer.

And she did finally go home to watch the last True Blood of the season and WHAT HAPPENED TO BILL? Did Eric have him taken because Queen Sophie-Ann found out Bill knows Eric has Lafayette selling V? OR did Eric just use that as an excuse because he wants Sookie?  Or is it none of these things?!? Will Sookie fuck a tiger next season?

Dun-dun-duuunnnn!!

This was a weird post, right?

So there Crissy was last night at work sitting at her desk and doing her workly business when the janitor came through with his trash bucket on wheels thing to empty Crissy’s trash into and Crissy felt ashamed because in it were eighty three Hershey’s miniatures wrappers and she could feel him burning into her with his Judgy eyes and it made her blush that he knows her secret that she’s the one who’s been eating all the chocolates and she just sort of cleared her throat and checked her wrist because she doesn’t have a watch and then she ran away because OH GOD THE SHAME OF IT and also it reminded her of the time when her dad looked in the back of Hot Heath Who Made Crissy’s Panties Fall Off’s car and saw tons and tons of empty beer cans and based only on that information decided Hot Heath Who Made Crissy’s Panties Fall Off was a loser! Can you imagine?and then he came straight into the house to yell at Crissy’s mother for letting her out of the house with HHWMCPFO and then he locked Crissy in her room!

Well maybe he didn’t do that, but he wanted to is the point Crissy is trying to make and so now she’s thinking that maybe in light of all the candy wrappers Crissy is sort of a loser just like Hot Heath Who Made Crissy’s Panties Fall Off turned out to be (her dad was right) and maybe, just maybe, she should have her mouth sewn shut by dragonflies just like her nana said they would if Crissy wasn’t a good girl and Crissy is now terrified of dragonflies and really?

Crissy has to lose 7 more lbs before she’s back to her pre-Homeslice awesome and she’d better do it faster than she can say Turbo Jam because the weather is getting colder and she refuses to buy new pants and so instead of running around like Mister with no pants on she must be able to stuff her bodacious ass back into her old pants before that bodacious ass turns into a cold and icy ass and nobody likes to touch a cold and icy ass except for the necrophiliacs but they’re Sickie Sickingtons and Crissy wouldn’t let them touch her ass anyway.

OR!

Crissy’s ass will freeze and turn white and people will mistake it for a couple of marshmallows and they will put sticks in it and roast it over a fire until it gets all burnt and melty and then they will EAT CRISSY’S ASS!

Oh NO!

PS: Crissy is up at Toy With Me today talking about the Play Through. Crissy realizes that many of you know about the Play Through already but the Toy With Mes don’t and so you have to come and help Crissy teach them.

Do it, bitches.

Crissy saw on the news this morning that Patrick Swayze died of The Cancer and it made her feel sad to think that he’s gone because along with Johnny Depp and Richard Grieco,

remember him?

Yeeessssssss.  It’s hot in the city tonight, honey!

Patrick was one of Crissy’s first crushes, you know. Oh, and Jon Bon Jovi.  And Kirk Cameron who is now apparently a total fucking freak show.

But what really makes Crissy sad about Patrick Swayze dying is that when he told Crissy the news, Frank Coletta,

ace TV reporter for Turn to 10 News, didn’t even shed a tear.  NOT ONE!  This is a big deal because Frank’s non-verbal commentaries are the best.  THE BEST!  and there wasn’t even a flicker of sadness.

What the fuck Frank?

You could have at least pretended to wipe the tears away.

When something this pretty dies, you mourn bitch.

This is upsetting to Crissy because usually Frank and Crissy are like THIS!

But now Crissy isn’t sure she knows Frank at all and so perhaps today Crissy has lost TWO boyfriends.