After a sudden and mysterious illness, there has been a tragedy in Crissy’s immediate family. 

The Rainbow colored Betta fish Crissy and Mister bought for Girlfriend because they felt guilty for having another baby and ruining the sweet only child gig she had going has passed on to the Great Fish Bowl in the Sky. Crissy thinks it died because Mister kept insisting it didn’t need to be fed EVERY day and Mister insists it died because Crissy changed its water too abruptly. The truth is Queefies, that whatever the cause, The Guilt Fish is dead.

DEAD! DEAD! DEAD!

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R.I.P. Guilt Fish

Sniffle.

So remember Crissy wrote to the Queefs about her debacle at the Pediatrician’s office with the health insurance and all that crap? Crissy has at least one bullshit day like that per week and this one happened last week and she totally forgot about it until now. Do you know what she went through to get the papers that Human Resources needed to send to the insurance company in the first place?

Oh Queefs it’s no wonder Mommy drinks!

It all started when Mister called Crissy and said Human Resources needed a copy of Homeslice’s birth certificate to send to the insurance company because apparently all the bills from the Taco Doctor for all sorts of prenatal stuff and then the great big one from the hospital wasn’t enough proof that Crissy had a baby. They need a piece of paper from the City of Woonsocket, the armpit of Rhode Island where Homeslice was born, as proof of her existence.

Okay. Fine.

So Crissy and Girlfriend and Homeslice go on a little adventure to find Woonsocket City Hall and they did and they also found a parking spot in a teeny tiny lot where the cars are just packed in sooooo tightly and Crissy barely had room to open the door enough to get the car seat out and she would have used her sling to carry Homeslice (Holla Lioness!) but it was hot as balls and she couldn’t put another thing on her body so she lugged the seat though the street and a rather good looking homeless guy was standing in front of the door and he said something about Crissy’s ass and then held the door for her which was rather nice and very gentlemanly especially because of the ass comment and Crissy is wondering if he was really homeless or just a Resident of Woonsocket because the two are virtually indistinguishable. And Crissy climbed up three flights of very narrow stairs holding Girlfriend’s hand and lugging the 35lb car seat up to the un-air conditioned City Clerk’s office only to find out that a copy of the birth certificate cost $20 payable in cash or check, no credit cards.

Who the fuck carries cash anymore?

Not. Crissy.

FUCK!

So Crissy took out her wallet and counted $19.73.

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck!

So she asked where the nearest ATM was and went on her way back down the stairs and back to her boyfriend who was waiting to open the door for her again and she swears he tried to touch her bum but she couldn’t be sure because it might have just been a bead of sweat instead and she lugged the car seat a couple of blocks to find that the ATM was anyone? anyone? BROKEN.

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckandgodammitjesusfuckingshitchristwhatthefuck.

So Crissy walked back the two blocks to the car and at this point, Girlfriend is whining that she’s thirsty and Crissy of course has nothing for her like she usually does and everyone is melting to death and Crissy squeeeeeeezzzzed back into her car to count more change she found in the console and went all the way back to the City Clerk’s office to find the line was now five people deep.

And Girlfriend is whining and repeating “I’m thirsty, I’m thirsty, I’m thirsty, I’m thirsty” over and over and over, Queefs. And she’s bored and so she starts fucking with the toys on Homeslice’s car seat and it of course wakes her up and she starts to fuss because she’s hot and hungry and pissed that she’s awake.

And everyone in the office hates Crissy and her children and was looking at them with death eyes and who could blame them because Crissy was looking at herself with death eyes too and when Crissy finally got to the desk the clerk was a bitch to her but she gave her what she needed and Crissy and Girlfriend and Homeslice were on their way and Crissy was hoping her homeless boyfriend was there waiting to open the door for her and maybe touch her bum again but he was gone and so Crissy went home with a bruise on her arm from the car seat but she had a song in her heart because she had accomplished her mission despite many setbacks and didn’t even cry or kill herself or either of her children.

So the other day, Crissy’s Rachel called her to remind her of a Wonderful Product and you know how Crisy loves Wonderful Products and since today is Rachel’s birthday, Crissy thought it would be a good day to write about it and to dedicate this post to her.  She will be thrilled.

It is this Queefies:

It’s the Diva Cup and it does this:

It catches The Bloods and then you dump it out into the toilet instead of using a tampon and filling up the landfill.  OR! If you are truly serious about the whole Reduce, Reuse, Recycle thingy and you are a particularly creative dirty hippie, it can become an all natural hair color. OR! You can use it to tie die your organic hemp tee shirts! OR! You can use it as a special secret ingredient in your World Famous Meat Sauce or your Extra Chunky Salsa recipe!

It’s totally awesome!

And Crissy doesn’t know about you Queefs, but The Diva Cup is just what our planet has needed all these years because apparently the landfills are really so full of tampons that we need to be just collecting our Bloods in a cup to make more room for all our disposable Swiffers , toilet wand refills, plastic water bottles and other convenience products. And if there is ever a day when Crissy needs to use The Diva Cup to save money instead of buying all those expensive tampons, it will be there for her. Thank goodness! It will save her tens of dollars a year! And if Crissy is wearing her Diva Cup and it spills, well it’ll just be one of those humiliating, character building experiences and we all know that Crissy needs to build her character because wearing a dress covered in baby shit isn’t enough so thank goodness for the Diva Cup!

But you know what Queefies?

At present Crissy is not diva enough for The Diva Cup but if she changes her mind she’ll let you know.

Happy Birthday Rachel!

So yesterday Crissy dropped Girlfriend off at camp where she made puppets while Crissy ran errands and took Homeslice to the doctor.

And so Crissy’s first stop was to run into Target to pick up a prescription for Mister and so she lugged the 35 pound car seat all the way through the store to discover the pharmacy doesn’t open until ten.

Oh.

And so she moved on to the gas station where she pulled up to the only available pump only to discover that the premium gasoline that Sasha insists on having or else she sputters and gags is out of order, forcing Crissy to wait in line at another pump. Tick. Tock.

(Crissy just saw an ad on the TV for some new Saabs and they’re a great deal and so right now Crissy is making a formal request to Mister in front of the Queefs to buy her a new Saab and so HELP CONVINCE HIM QUEEFIES! Crissy loves Sasha but she’s old and her clock is broken and every time that ad comes on TV she comments to Mister about what a good deal it is and he’s not getting the hint.)

She finally makes it to the doctor’s with about two minutes to spare, she gets in line to check in and when she finally gets the window and gives the lady her information she finds out that Homeslice has been kicked off Mister’s insurance.

Oh.

And so the lady called Mister’s insurance company and they wouldn’t talk to her and said that Crissy had to call and so Crissy called with only one bar remaining on her cell phone only for them to tell her they couldn’t tell her anything and she had to call Mister’s Human Resource Department and kick some ass over there and so she called Mister and told him to call them and he did and they said they sent everything the insurance company wanted. And so then Crissy called the insurance company back and they said they didn’t get the stuff and that Crissy should have Human Resources call them all the while Crissy is waiting for her phone to die which adds to the stress of course and so she finally got pissed off in front of God and everyone in the waiting room and shouted “are you telling me that I cannot take my child to the doctor because somebody somewhere dropped the ball? Is that what you’re saying to me right now?” And the lady said to just take Homeslice to the doctor and that Human Resources would have to sort it out.

Crissy was pissed. off.

But she didn’t cry and she didn’t say FUCK even one time because she is a model of composure and self-restraint with the grace of a gazelle as evidenced in the photos from yesterday.

And so Crissy and Homeslice finally went into the exam room and Homeslice weighs 13.6 lbs and she’s 24 inches long and everyone was commenting about Crissy’s boobies and how nice they feed Homeslice and Crissy waited and waited for the doctor and then it happened.

Homeslice had an epic diaper blow out and the yellow baby shit flowed out of the top, sides, and back of the diaper and all over Crissy in her adorable new purple dress. And Crissy got that dress from Marshall’s and it was very expensive but because in addition to being a Model of Composure and Self-restraint with the Grace of a gazelle, Crissy is a Frugal Shopper and found the dress on clearance and it’s a crying shame it was shat upon so casually by Homeslice who obviously does not appreciate fine clothing.

And there Crissy was in the exam room, covered in shit. And Homeslice was covered in shit. And the exam table was covered in shit. And the clean up was just about the most stressful thing ever because the more Crissy tried to clean it up, the more it just smeared all over the place and Crissy was trying to hurry because if the doctor came in and saw the mess, she’d probably leave and wait for it to be cleaned up and it would probably be another forever before she came back.

And then to make it wicked fun, Homeslice barfed up.

Crissy finally got cleaned up but the smell of that diaper and Crissy’s dress was, well, not so good.

And it turns out Crissy needn’t have hurried because it took the doctor another hour before she came in and so that makes a grand total of three hours spent at the doctor’s office and Crissy was late picking Girlfriend up at summer camp which means that she didn’t have time to change her shitty dress AND she looked like mother of the year picking her kid up late but she couldn’t call to warn them because the cell phone was dead.

And Crissy still had to go back to Target to get Mister’s medicine so she had to with a shitty dress and then when she got home Girlfriend and Homeslice were begging for food and so to make a long story slightly less long, Crissy wore the shitty dress for the better part of the day yesterday and so she thinks Mister should buy her a new car.

Oh what a glorious weekend Crissy had, Queefies!

First, her new refrigerator came and that was marvelous. Crissy cannot tell you how nice it is not to have rusty water dripping off the front of her refrigerator and Oh! To have ice and water inside the door is just…well..it’s a little slice of heaven.  The ice can be crushed or cubed depending on the Queen’s whim and that makes her rather happy and she may or may not be obsessed with ice now and Mister may or may not have shouted at her because she’s going to wear out the ice crushing thingy.

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And you’ll never believe this but the sun was out for a whole day and so the Crissys went to Papa’s pool and Crissy wore the very first one piece bathing suit she’s ever owned and apparently it’s a magical bathing suit because she doesn’t want to stab herself with knives when she looks at herself in the mirror while wearing it and also because Crissy can walk on water now!

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And Crissy saith unto the Queefies, “It is I; be not afraid.”

Jesus and Criss Angel can suck it.

Isn’t Crissy just so glamorous you want to kill yourself?

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And aren’t her boobies just, well, ridiculous?

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And not for motorboating.  It’s a shame, really.

Crissy has the grace of a gazelle, you know:

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A gazelle!
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You can’t stand it, can you?

And on Saturday night the Crissys had dinner with Rich and Michele and Cya and everyone had a wonderful time and ate cake and drank way, way, way too much wine.

So yes.

That was Crissy’s weekend.  How many of  you Queefies learned to walk on water?

None?

That’s what Crissy thought.