Crissy forgot to tell the Queefs that she has twatmatoes growing in her garden this year.
Mister tried to make it look all art-y and stuff with the black and white but it’s still a twatmato.
Also, there’s Penis Squash.
Mister keeps chasing Crissy around the house with the squash and Crissy is a little bit afraid. Actually, she’s a lot afraid.
Crissy is going back to work on Monday Queefies and it’s got her thinking about the other jobs she’s had in her life and how they’ve all been temporary and her job at Schmuckytown Pubic was supposed to be just a soft place to land whilst she collected her head after Grad school and it turns out she’s still collecting her head after 7 years at a job she doesn’t totally hate but knows she’s not destined for and really she’s sort of lazy in the whole career finding department as evidenced by her resume which she will now demonstrate for the Queefs.
Crissy used to work at a restaurant but her boss was a total perv and always said inappropriateness to Crissy and felt her on her fanny every chance he got:
Crissy should have sued that fucker and prolly wouldn’t have to even worry about work ever again in her life because it was a large chain restaurant and if any of you Queefs who know which one spills the beans Crissy will kill you twice. Don’t embarrass Crissy in front of her Queefs. But what the hell did Crissy know about sexual harassment? She was 17.
And then in college she worked at a panty store called Cacique which now sells underwears for the BBW’s but at the time was sort of fancy and frenchy and Crissy did bra fittings on sweaty women with floppy tits at the mall.
And that is where she met her very first stalker who would hide behind the penoir sets and follow her home in his Chevy Blazer with his mustache because apparently the only thing sexier than panties is a girl pushing them at four pairs for $20.
And then after college, Crissy worked as a secretary for a lawyer named Fred.
Crissy made Fred do all the work.
And then Crissy went to Grad school because everyone knows the only thing more useless than a BA in English is an MA in English and so Crissy went to get one of those and her very first job the summer after graduation was working for a woman who ran an agency that taught rich/powerful people how to do community service and she brought Crissy along whenever she negotiated contracts for fancy parties which was quite often because if rich people are going to do something for The Poor there had better be a decent buffet god dammit.
And after that Crissy worked at The Gap.
It was boring and humiliating and Crissy barely remembers anything about it except that it was the best thing to ever happen to Mister’s wardrobe because the discount was totally rad.
But after Grad School, Crissy had it in her head that she might want to become a school librarian and so she applied for a job doing that at a Catholic school. What possessed Crissy to choose that particular venue to test out teacherhood is beyond her and it is also beyond her how she got hired and on the very first day she read to the children about population control.
And then in May she was fired for showing porn to them which she did not do. Crissy was the victim of a Catholic C-O-N spiracy to have her fired. Crissy had to go to therapy to sort herself out after what the Catholics did to her.
That, dear Queefies, is how Crissy came to work at Schmuckytown Pubic and although it’s not her dream job or anything, it’s still okay for now and it sure as hell beats stay at home motherhood. Crissy has been losing her shit.
Oh Queefies.
Crissy’s posts of late seem to be about death and she’s not sure what that means but it keeps coming up and so she writes about it. First it was Guilt Fish and then David and now Alex Edge. Alex was a Queef and he recently died of a heroin overdose.
Here is what he said about Mister and Crissy and Crissy didn’t know he was a Queef until this morning when Mister told her all about him and she feels sad now because she never got a chance to return the love and admire his pictures.
Ken is pretty much my hero. He has a pretty rad blog, and his wife, besides being totally fucking hot, is the “Queen of fucking Everything”. So like Marisa, I’m trying to mimic him – I’m currently looking for some sort of royalty to wife up, but I’m not finding anything really comparable. I mean, how am I gonna compare “Princess of some tiny little province/region” to someone who rules “Everything”?
Besides being royal consort, Ken seems to like to take weird blurry abstract kinda pictures that make your eyes hurt and your brain wonder WTF you’re actually looking at. At least lately. Everyone viewing his photostream is wondering when he’s gonna move past this artsy phase and get back to his real strength – naked pictures of the wifey!
Shit. This testimonial was supposed to be about Ken, but I really feel like it ended up being more about Krissy. Oops. I’m gonna have to try to remember the other reasons why Ken is awesome and then come back to this.
Meanwhile, go directly to album labeled “Kristen”.
Don’t do drugs, Queefs. Crissy does not want you to die.
Crissy was telling you about her weekend and then POOF!
David interrupted her before she could show the Queefies a picture of her new hair!
Behold! The beauty and the glory of the Queen’s highlights!
And it had been since EASTER since she got her hair did and her Shannon had a tear in her eye and said she thought Crissy had left her and her exact words were more like “bitch, where the fuck you been?” and you can see why Crissy and Shannon get along like vodka and cranberry and Crissy promised she would never leave her and then she kissed her long and deep and touched her boobs and her fanny a little bit and that made her feel much better and then they moved on and Shannon created Crissy’s hair because Crissy sometimes forgets things these days like her phone number and that she’s driving and she just recently had a bonding moment with her Papa over such things that happen to the brain addled except he’s 93 and Crissy is only 30 hummhummmnana and so it must be the sleep deprivation that’s making her a retard and so far be it for Crissy to know what to do with her hair!
Because shit, you guys.
Crissy goes around channeling Amy Winehouse (is that how she spells her name? Crissy is too lazy to go and check) some days and it’s just not pretty or cute so thank goodness for The Shannon and you know what Crissy really wants you guys?
Extensions.
Ooooooooooo…
Shannon does them and Crissy has always wanted Mermaid Hair but it would cost $1,000 for Shannon to do the Mermaid Hair on Crissy and that’s her “I’m giving you a huge break because I’ve been doing your hair for eleventy million years” price and so Crissy is just going to have to put that Mermaid Hair on her Dream On Crissy list with the BMW and the Maidlaundressnannywhore.
Somebody should photoshop Daryl out of Crissy’s hair so the Queefs can see how pretty she’d look. You know, if it’s even possible for Crissy to be any prettier.
Also, Crissy’s new favorite words are bum and fanny.
Happy Monday Queefies!!
Crissy’s weekend was soooo bizzy, bizzy, bizzy and fun she hardly knows where to start!
First, Crissy went to a place called Spring Lake and it was $3.00 to get into the most charming little beach evah!
Whilst there, Crissy consumed an ice cream novelty.
It was delicious.
And there they have this cute little arcade full of antique games that still work sort of. Crissy liked this one because it reminded her of her house:
And it does so because evidence is mounting that Crissy’s house has ghosties in it. The other day, Mister and Crissy pulled up in the driveway and got out of the car and heard the most supernatural sound. It was sort of like a gurgle and a shriek all at once only it was not Alice or Big Pussy and Crissy would say it was a death rattle coming from Guilt Fish but everyone knows Guilt Fish don’t do death rattles so it wasn’t him.
Girlfriend heard it too and is convinced it came from a monster in the basement but Crissy thinks that’s silly because clearly it’s the ghost of David.
David, dear Queefies, is the guy who used to live in the Crissy’s house who died in the house after a long battle with The Cancer about five years ago this August, and a couple of weeks ago a visiting nurse showed up at the door looking to take care of him.
WTF?
Creepy.
And then yesterday Mister went to pick up his brand new Versace sunglasses that took forever to come in because they are so special and what was on the counter but the nose piece and a tiny screw just sitting there very neatly as if they had been removed by someone or something or DAVID.
New stuff like that doesn’t just fall apart. You have to take it apart.
RIGHT?
And last night while Crissy was up with Homeslice, she heard someone on the stairs which is an unmistakable sound and it wasn’t Crissy’s imagination because Alice heard it too and even got off the bed to go and investigate and Big Pussy was on Crissy’s pillow so it wasn’t him and it wasn’t Guilt Fish coming back from the dead to haunt Crissy because everyone knows Guilt Fish don’t just climb out of toilets and walk up the stairs so it wasn’t him either.
It was DAVID.
And somebody keeps making Crissy’s bathroom scale read all sorts of funny numbers that Crissy does not recognize and so that must be David too.
The more Crissy thinks about it, the more Crissy thinks David is responsible for all sorts of things that are all shaquaed around the house and Girlfriend swears it’s not her who leaves Barbies and little hair accessories all over the place and Crissy is starting to believe her because you never know Queefies. Maybe David liked playing Barbie dress ups.
Mister keeps telling Crissy to stop talking about David because he thinks she’ll summon him or some such nonsense and Crissy tells him he’s clearly insane because DAVID IS ALREADY HERE!
And this is very exciting to Crissy because it means that if it keeps up she’ll be able to call Ghost Hunters and they’ll come with their funny beeping machines and their Rhode Island accents and check Crissy’s shit out for her and tell her if it’s David or if it’s just her oil burnah or her gahbage disposal making all the fuss.
Crissy will keep you posted and you Queefs should probably start watching Ghost Hunters because it’s an awesome show and it will totally give you the heebie jeebies and do you think that David and Crissy’s Grandmother Helen watch Crissy and Mister make Sexy Time?
Crissy swears she can hear people giggling in the corner…
After a sudden and mysterious illness, there has been a tragedy in Crissy’s immediate family.
The Rainbow colored Betta fish Crissy and Mister bought for Girlfriend because they felt guilty for having another baby and ruining the sweet only child gig she had going has passed on to the Great Fish Bowl in the Sky. Crissy thinks it died because Mister kept insisting it didn’t need to be fed EVERY day and Mister insists it died because Crissy changed its water too abruptly. The truth is Queefies, that whatever the cause, The Guilt Fish is dead.
DEAD! DEAD! DEAD!
R.I.P. Guilt Fish
Sniffle.
So remember Crissy wrote to the Queefs about her debacle at the Pediatrician’s office with the health insurance and all that crap? Crissy has at least one bullshit day like that per week and this one happened last week and she totally forgot about it until now. Do you know what she went through to get the papers that Human Resources needed to send to the insurance company in the first place?
Oh Queefs it’s no wonder Mommy drinks!
It all started when Mister called Crissy and said Human Resources needed a copy of Homeslice’s birth certificate to send to the insurance company because apparently all the bills from the Taco Doctor for all sorts of prenatal stuff and then the great big one from the hospital wasn’t enough proof that Crissy had a baby. They need a piece of paper from the City of Woonsocket, the armpit of Rhode Island where Homeslice was born, as proof of her existence.
Okay. Fine.
So Crissy and Girlfriend and Homeslice go on a little adventure to find Woonsocket City Hall and they did and they also found a parking spot in a teeny tiny lot where the cars are just packed in sooooo tightly and Crissy barely had room to open the door enough to get the car seat out and she would have used her sling to carry Homeslice (Holla Lioness!) but it was hot as balls and she couldn’t put another thing on her body so she lugged the seat though the street and a rather good looking homeless guy was standing in front of the door and he said something about Crissy’s ass and then held the door for her which was rather nice and very gentlemanly especially because of the ass comment and Crissy is wondering if he was really homeless or just a Resident of Woonsocket because the two are virtually indistinguishable. And Crissy climbed up three flights of very narrow stairs holding Girlfriend’s hand and lugging the 35lb car seat up to the un-air conditioned City Clerk’s office only to find out that a copy of the birth certificate cost $20 payable in cash or check, no credit cards.
Who the fuck carries cash anymore?
Not. Crissy.
FUCK!
So Crissy took out her wallet and counted $19.73.
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck!
So she asked where the nearest ATM was and went on her way back down the stairs and back to her boyfriend who was waiting to open the door for her again and she swears he tried to touch her bum but she couldn’t be sure because it might have just been a bead of sweat instead and she lugged the car seat a couple of blocks to find that the ATM was anyone? anyone? BROKEN.
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckandgodammitjesusfuckingshitchristwhatthefuck.
So Crissy walked back the two blocks to the car and at this point, Girlfriend is whining that she’s thirsty and Crissy of course has nothing for her like she usually does and everyone is melting to death and Crissy squeeeeeeezzzzed back into her car to count more change she found in the console and went all the way back to the City Clerk’s office to find the line was now five people deep.
And Girlfriend is whining and repeating “I’m thirsty, I’m thirsty, I’m thirsty, I’m thirsty” over and over and over, Queefs. And she’s bored and so she starts fucking with the toys on Homeslice’s car seat and it of course wakes her up and she starts to fuss because she’s hot and hungry and pissed that she’s awake.
And everyone in the office hates Crissy and her children and was looking at them with death eyes and who could blame them because Crissy was looking at herself with death eyes too and when Crissy finally got to the desk the clerk was a bitch to her but she gave her what she needed and Crissy and Girlfriend and Homeslice were on their way and Crissy was hoping her homeless boyfriend was there waiting to open the door for her and maybe touch her bum again but he was gone and so Crissy went home with a bruise on her arm from the car seat but she had a song in her heart because she had accomplished her mission despite many setbacks and didn’t even cry or kill herself or either of her children.
So the other day, Crissy’s Rachel called her to remind her of a Wonderful Product and you know how Crisy loves Wonderful Products and since today is Rachel’s birthday, Crissy thought it would be a good day to write about it and to dedicate this post to her. She will be thrilled.
It is this Queefies:
It’s the Diva Cup and it does this:
It catches The Bloods and then you dump it out into the toilet instead of using a tampon and filling up the landfill. OR! If you are truly serious about the whole Reduce, Reuse, Recycle thingy and you are a particularly creative dirty hippie, it can become an all natural hair color. OR! You can use it to tie die your organic hemp tee shirts! OR! You can use it as a special secret ingredient in your World Famous Meat Sauce or your Extra Chunky Salsa recipe!
It’s totally awesome!
And Crissy doesn’t know about you Queefs, but The Diva Cup is just what our planet has needed all these years because apparently the landfills are really so full of tampons that we need to be just collecting our Bloods in a cup to make more room for all our disposable Swiffers , toilet wand refills, plastic water bottles and other convenience products. And if there is ever a day when Crissy needs to use The Diva Cup to save money instead of buying all those expensive tampons, it will be there for her. Thank goodness! It will save her tens of dollars a year! And if Crissy is wearing her Diva Cup and it spills, well it’ll just be one of those humiliating, character building experiences and we all know that Crissy needs to build her character because wearing a dress covered in baby shit isn’t enough so thank goodness for the Diva Cup!
But you know what Queefies?
At present Crissy is not diva enough for The Diva Cup but if she changes her mind she’ll let you know.
Happy Birthday Rachel!
So yesterday Crissy dropped Girlfriend off at camp where she made puppets while Crissy ran errands and took Homeslice to the doctor.
And so Crissy’s first stop was to run into Target to pick up a prescription for Mister and so she lugged the 35 pound car seat all the way through the store to discover the pharmacy doesn’t open until ten.
Oh.
And so she moved on to the gas station where she pulled up to the only available pump only to discover that the premium gasoline that Sasha insists on having or else she sputters and gags is out of order, forcing Crissy to wait in line at another pump. Tick. Tock.
(Crissy just saw an ad on the TV for some new Saabs and they’re a great deal and so right now Crissy is making a formal request to Mister in front of the Queefs to buy her a new Saab and so HELP CONVINCE HIM QUEEFIES! Crissy loves Sasha but she’s old and her clock is broken and every time that ad comes on TV she comments to Mister about what a good deal it is and he’s not getting the hint.)
She finally makes it to the doctor’s with about two minutes to spare, she gets in line to check in and when she finally gets the window and gives the lady her information she finds out that Homeslice has been kicked off Mister’s insurance.
Oh.
And so the lady called Mister’s insurance company and they wouldn’t talk to her and said that Crissy had to call and so Crissy called with only one bar remaining on her cell phone only for them to tell her they couldn’t tell her anything and she had to call Mister’s Human Resource Department and kick some ass over there and so she called Mister and told him to call them and he did and they said they sent everything the insurance company wanted. And so then Crissy called the insurance company back and they said they didn’t get the stuff and that Crissy should have Human Resources call them all the while Crissy is waiting for her phone to die which adds to the stress of course and so she finally got pissed off in front of God and everyone in the waiting room and shouted “are you telling me that I cannot take my child to the doctor because somebody somewhere dropped the ball? Is that what you’re saying to me right now?” And the lady said to just take Homeslice to the doctor and that Human Resources would have to sort it out.
Crissy was pissed. off.
But she didn’t cry and she didn’t say FUCK even one time because she is a model of composure and self-restraint with the grace of a gazelle as evidenced in the photos from yesterday.
And so Crissy and Homeslice finally went into the exam room and Homeslice weighs 13.6 lbs and she’s 24 inches long and everyone was commenting about Crissy’s boobies and how nice they feed Homeslice and Crissy waited and waited for the doctor and then it happened.
Homeslice had an epic diaper blow out and the yellow baby shit flowed out of the top, sides, and back of the diaper and all over Crissy in her adorable new purple dress. And Crissy got that dress from Marshall’s and it was very expensive but because in addition to being a Model of Composure and Self-restraint with the Grace of a gazelle, Crissy is a Frugal Shopper and found the dress on clearance and it’s a crying shame it was shat upon so casually by Homeslice who obviously does not appreciate fine clothing.
And there Crissy was in the exam room, covered in shit. And Homeslice was covered in shit. And the exam table was covered in shit. And the clean up was just about the most stressful thing ever because the more Crissy tried to clean it up, the more it just smeared all over the place and Crissy was trying to hurry because if the doctor came in and saw the mess, she’d probably leave and wait for it to be cleaned up and it would probably be another forever before she came back.
And then to make it wicked fun, Homeslice barfed up.
Crissy finally got cleaned up but the smell of that diaper and Crissy’s dress was, well, not so good.
And it turns out Crissy needn’t have hurried because it took the doctor another hour before she came in and so that makes a grand total of three hours spent at the doctor’s office and Crissy was late picking Girlfriend up at summer camp which means that she didn’t have time to change her shitty dress AND she looked like mother of the year picking her kid up late but she couldn’t call to warn them because the cell phone was dead.
And Crissy still had to go back to Target to get Mister’s medicine so she had to with a shitty dress and then when she got home Girlfriend and Homeslice were begging for food and so to make a long story slightly less long, Crissy wore the shitty dress for the better part of the day yesterday and so she thinks Mister should buy her a new car.
Oh what a glorious weekend Crissy had, Queefies!
First, her new refrigerator came and that was marvelous. Crissy cannot tell you how nice it is not to have rusty water dripping off the front of her refrigerator and Oh! To have ice and water inside the door is just…well..it’s a little slice of heaven. The ice can be crushed or cubed depending on the Queen’s whim and that makes her rather happy and she may or may not be obsessed with ice now and Mister may or may not have shouted at her because she’s going to wear out the ice crushing thingy.
And you’ll never believe this but the sun was out for a whole day and so the Crissys went to Papa’s pool and Crissy wore the very first one piece bathing suit she’s ever owned and apparently it’s a magical bathing suit because she doesn’t want to stab herself with knives when she looks at herself in the mirror while wearing it and also because Crissy can walk on water now!
And Crissy saith unto the Queefies, “It is I; be not afraid.”
Jesus and Criss Angel can suck it.
Isn’t Crissy just so glamorous you want to kill yourself?
And aren’t her boobies just, well, ridiculous?
And not for motorboating. It’s a shame, really.
Crissy has the grace of a gazelle, you know:
A gazelle!
You can’t stand it, can you?
And on Saturday night the Crissys had dinner with Rich and Michele and Cya and everyone had a wonderful time and ate cake and drank way, way, way too much wine.
So yes.
That was Crissy’s weekend. How many of you Queefies learned to walk on water?
None?
That’s what Crissy thought.
