That is what Mister said as the Crissys woke up to two kids crying this morning. It turns out that the only time Mister and Crissy are truly, truly happy these days is when they’re sleeping. They can’t even do Sexy Time correctly anymore.

And so you know what Crissy wants more than anything else? What she needs from deep, deep, deep, deep, deep down inside of her?

That Maidlaundressnannywhore she’s been talking about because seriously?

This is bullshit.

In other news, yesterday Girlfriend was coloring in her Cinderella coloring book and came across a picture of the prince bending down to kiss Cinderella’s hand. She held it up for Crissy and said “look mommy! The prince has his face in Cinderella’s vagina because that’s what princes do!”

And that is how Crissy will leave you for today, Queefies.

May your weekends be the stuff of fairy tales.

Crissy has noticed that there’s this thing going around the blogs and everyone is all TMI! TMI! LOL! and Crissy thinks it’s really silly. What is it called? TMI Thursdays or some such thing?

Blogs by their very nature are TMI. Nobody needs to know what you made for dinner, but you write about it and people read because everyone who reads blogs likes TMI so just stop claiming TMI and just write about how you blew it up in the bathroom at your bff’s wedding and ruined dinner for everyone or how you whacked off to a picture of your sister in a bikini but only the one time. OKAY? No need to warn about the TMI.

Ahem.

Crissy feels better having gotten that off her enormous and luscious chestal area.

And now it’s time for Crissy to come clean Queefies. It wasn’t really Crissy’s friend who had to take the Plan B pill. It was Crissy. Crissy was just pulling your legs you dumb bunnies.

You were totally fooled, weren’t you.

And Plan B was necessary because there was an Accident in the Bedroom and there was a catastrophic failure of pull and pray Plan A, as Crissy and Mister were totally shit faced and Mister forgot all about Plan A.

The other two times this has happened are called Girlfriend and Homeslice and so Crissy and Mister have learned that they are incredibly fertile together and that any slip-ups eventually wind up with names and college funds.

And so Plan B because Hhheeeeeeelllllll no.

And it wasn’t too bad and Crissy expected it to do violence to her and in her head she pictured something just like this happening to her:

So she was pleasantly surprised when really the worst thing that happened was she ate about 5 big handfuls of chocolate covered almonds and about humped the corner of her desk because for whatever reason Plan B made Crissy want to do more Sexy Time.

They must put something in the pills to make sure people come back for another dose really soon.

BUT!

Crissy shouldn’t have had to go through that in the first place and so guess what Queefies?

Crissy is having Mister neutered.

No more crotch fruit.

Only crotch peas.

Last night this  book came across Crissy’s desk and at first she rolled her eyes and was all “stop it you silly lesbian” but then as she read through it started to make some sense to her and so she’s  going to give it a whirl and see how we do with it.

Poor Jillian.  They try to make her pretty.

Crissy is being mean to Jillian because Jillian makes Crissy’s fanny hurt.  Jillian is a whore.  A sweaty whore.

So do you Queefies know what Crissy has decided to do for you because she is magnanimous and loving?

Since lots of you are probably like Crissy and you don’t have time to be driving to no gym to work out and shit and you don’t have a million monies to buy workout DVDs that suck, she is going to do you a favor and test them for you and give you the full report and if it’s hard enough or silly enough, Crissy might do a demonstration video for you.  If you’re lucky and you promise to bury your face in her crotchals.

Crissy is also considering doing this with porn for girls because that’s pretty hard to find too.

OMG but NO demonstration video!
Why can’t Crissy turn off the italics???

So the first one that Crissy will review for you is this one called Banish Fat Boost Metabolism by Jillian Michaels since the theme for today is  anyone? anyone?

Jillian Michaels.

The Sweaty Whore.

Crissy liked her rather a lot on the Biggest Loser Cardio Workout and so she gave this a try.  At first, Crissy thought the workout was for little pussy girls because at one point during the warm-up Jillian said “your heart should be banging out of your chest right about now” and Crissy was like, “not so much” and then!

It sneaked up on Crissy and she was praying for sweet, sweet baby Jesus to come and drink from her breast and then take her away to heaven because that Jillian was kicking Crissy’s fanny all over the place!  At one point, Crissy was sure she could see David and Grandma Helen pointing and laughing and telling her to just go into the light but really it turned out to be the sun coming through the window and Crissy didn’t recognize it because it only just rains here now.

By the end of the thing, Crissy pretty much felt her lungs burning and her legs were shaky which is a really good feeling.  The cool down stretching totally sucked though and Crissy wound up with that awful blue balls feeling and so she did some yogacizing  to make up for it (speaking of yoga, ever done like an hour of power yoga and then rubbed one out?  Try it. You’ll be stoned as a motherfucker all day… not that Crissy knows anything about that).  The next day, Crissy was moderately sore so the workout did something.

Crissy gives this DVD 5 out of 6 Queef stars and Crissy plans to come up with a better rating system for next time because she plans on doing this at least once a month or whenever the hell she feels like it.  The Queefs are to help her by making suggestions of videos they want Crissy to review for them if she can possibly get her hands on them otherwise the next one is Turbo Jam.

Or Hip Hop Abs.

Are you Queefs pumped?  Crissy is pumped!

So yesterday Crissy went back to work and they cleaned her desk for her and made it all impossible to find shit pretty and everything and her friend Celina left her a cake and it was vanilla cake with whipped cream frosting and lots of pink on it and it was really good you guys and Crissy just sat there trying hard not to eat the entire thing so as not to get a big fanny which was a miserable failure probably because Crissy went and got a knife and a dish and brought it back to her desk and just kept putting more cake but she figured she deserved it because there she was, at her old desk again and it felt very much like she never left except for the 1,126 emails she had to sift through because that’s what happens when you’re the Queen.

People email you a lot and a lot about the size of your “man meat” and about make the ladies scream with pleasures in the bed and about the Acai berry and about VIAGRA 80% off!

And there was a welcome back-ish note on the fridge in the break room that said “Guess who’s coming on August 17?” and then someone else wrote some discontentedness because it was Crissy who was coming back to work and not George Clooney coming to visit and let the librarians touch his fanny. Did Crissy ever tell you they celebrate his birthday at the library?

Yes.
With cake.
And they talk all about his fanny as they smear cake on their chestals and say things like “George, George, oh George! I’m long overdue for a checkout! Place a hold on me George! Hold me! Take off your dust jacket and show me your hardcover!”

Not really, but they do have the cake and the fanny talk.

But they also celebrated Crissy’s coming back to work with cake so she supposes she’ll let them talk about and maybe even touch her fanny and possibly her chestals too. Crissy thinks her fanny is probably nicer than George’s. It’s smoother at the very least.

Everyone likes Crissy’s fanny.

And the night was pretty quiet and stuff and pretty much the highlight was the cake and Crissy letting her friends touch her fanny and also being called to the circulation desk by Erin to check out an asshole wearing a pink polo shirt and these pants on his fanny:

Oy.

Crissy is a hot mess this morning.

She did not sleep last night at all and pretty much just gave up trying at about 5:30 this morning and today is her first day back at work and she doesn’t go in until 1:30 and she won’t get out until 8:00 and she’s already dreading going to work after a 12 week vacation and also she’s hallucinating from the sleep deprivation and her entire body hurts from that bitch Jillian Michaels and alla her “don’t phone it in” bullshit and Crissy’s chances of getting a nap before work are, well, hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

And so yes.

It is Monday.

PS: anyone know anything about Plan B?  It’s for a friend and not Crissy who did not have an Accident in the Bedroom last night.