Happy Monday Queefies!!!
You know what Crissy did this weekend?
Wicked exciting stuff.
Crissy went condom shopping!
While Mister is waiting to find a good snippy doctor, Crissy would still like to do Sexy Time with him and so she took matters into her own hands and decided it might be a good idea to go and find some interim birth control and so she loaded Homeslice and Girlfriend into the car and headed to Target. And it was a little stupid of Crissy the way she failed to plan this purchase because just one day prior she got to go to Target all by herself and spent $150 on bullshit and it didn’t occur to her to get the condoms then when they could have been camouflaged amongst all the other stuff.
Crissy went into Target for the sole purpose of buying condoms. And she had the kids with her this time. And she lured Girlfriend into the store with the promise of shoe shopping and Girlfriend was pissed off at Crissy when she insisted on making a little stop in the “family planning” department first and so she lagged behind Crissy shouting “I hate you. I hate what you’re saying to me! I’m going to throw you in the trash can!” and thank God Homeslice was sleeping in her stroller because had she been crying, Crissy would have just asked the pharmacist for a rusty spoon so Crissy could gouge out her ovaries right there in front of the ovulation kits. But she was sleeping peacefully despite her big sister’s Diva Moment so that was good and do you Queefs know how hard it is to concentrate with that shit going on?
And Crissy got a little dizzy looking at all the choices because she hasn’t had to think about them for 14 years now and so what the hell does Crissy know about condoms? Nothing. Back in her slutty, pre-Mister days, there weren’t so many choices, but now there’s like a hundred different ones! So here’s your poor Crissy standing in front of the condoms with Girlfriend drawing everyone’s attention to her and she’s wondering if she should call Mister because do condoms come in different sizes?
Crissy has no idea.
What kind does Mister prefer?
Crissy does not know.
And so Crissy just grabbed the silver box and ran away because everyone was staring at her. Crissy was mortified, Queefies. MORTIFIED.
She even considered stealing the condoms so she wouldn’t have to endure the checkout cashier, but she decided against it because setting off the alarm at the door and getting caught stealing condoms by trying to smuggle them out of the store in the folds of the baby stroller canopy would be worse. Probably. Crissy is just guessing. So she paid for the condoms and went home and tossed them on the counter in front of Mister and said “I bought these but I don’t know what kind you like best.” And Mister looked at Crissy and was like “I’ve been fucking you for 14 years. What the hell do I know about condoms?”
So there you have it, Queefs.
Crissy and Mister know nothing about condoms.
What’s your favorite kind so Crissy doesn’t have to go through all that again?