A raincoat for Mister

Happy Monday Queefies!!!

You know what Crissy did this weekend?

Wicked exciting stuff.

Crissy went condom shopping!

While Mister is waiting to find a good snippy doctor, Crissy would still like to do Sexy Time with him and so she took matters into her own hands and decided it might be a good idea to go and find some interim birth control and so she loaded Homeslice and Girlfriend into the car and headed to Target. And it was a little stupid of Crissy the way she failed to plan this purchase because just one day prior she got to go to Target all by herself and spent $150 on bullshit and it didn’t occur to her to get the condoms then when they could have been camouflaged amongst all the other stuff.

But no.

Crissy went into Target for the sole purpose of buying condoms. And she had the kids with her this time. And she lured Girlfriend into the store with the promise of shoe shopping and Girlfriend was pissed off at Crissy when she insisted on making a little stop in the “family planning” department first and so she lagged behind Crissy shouting “I hate you. I hate what you’re saying to me! I’m going to throw you in the trash can!” and thank God Homeslice was sleeping in her stroller because had she been crying, Crissy would have just asked the pharmacist for a rusty spoon so Crissy could gouge out her ovaries right there in front of the ovulation kits. But she was sleeping peacefully despite her big sister’s Diva Moment so that was good and do you Queefs know how hard it is to concentrate with that shit going on?

And Crissy got a little dizzy looking at all the choices because she hasn’t had to think about them for 14 years now and so what the hell does Crissy know about condoms? Nothing. Back in her slutty, pre-Mister days, there weren’t so many choices, but now there’s like a hundred different ones!  So here’s your poor Crissy standing in front of the condoms with Girlfriend drawing everyone’s attention to her and she’s wondering if she should call Mister because do condoms come in different sizes?

Crissy has no idea.

What kind does Mister prefer?

Crissy does not know.

And so Crissy just grabbed the silver box and ran away because everyone was staring at her. Crissy was mortified, Queefies. MORTIFIED.

She even considered stealing the condoms so she wouldn’t have to endure the checkout cashier, but she decided against it because setting off the alarm at the door and getting caught stealing condoms by trying to smuggle them out of the store in the folds of the baby stroller canopy would be worse. Probably. Crissy is just guessing. So she paid for the condoms and went home and tossed them on the counter in front of Mister and said “I bought these but I don’t know what kind you like best.” And Mister looked at Crissy and was like “I’ve been fucking you for 14 years. What the hell do I know about condoms?”

So there you have it, Queefs.

Crissy and Mister know nothing about condoms.

What’s your favorite kind so Crissy doesn’t have to go through all that again?

Do tell.

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  1. Durex, thins, something about pleasure.Basically they smell the least like burning rubber. I hate the condoms, but my hubby’s a pussy about the snip.
    I always figure that they COMPLETELY understand my need for condoms when I bring my kids. At least I do!

  2. Well, I think that, aside from the fact that you should just do all anal all the time, Pimp would obviously benefit from the Trojan Magnum XXLs or the Durex XXLs.

    But for something exotic, try a Japanese condom or two. I like the Super Big Boy super large size condoms with the lovely horse picture on the cover. http://www.condomsjapan.com/?mode=2&category=5&id=1027

    Along the same vein (ha ha), I suggest you try the Japanese Power Black Color Rubber Condoms, which, like the Super Big Boys, are also black colored. Note the fancy tagline: “Stay Real! We are all brack people.” http://www.engrish.com//wp-content/uploads/2008/08/brack-people.jpg

    But watch out! Once you go brack….
    .-= stoogepie’s last blog post… Mister Shorts Number 9 =-.

  3. If pimp is ehem -larger sized- I would go for Durex Comfort. They are a little bit bigger than the standard, and the smell is ok (actually they smell a little bit like black tea). I wouldn’t know which others are good – I’ve been lucky so far (blush).

  4. Once upon a time, a “friend” of mine *ahem… totally not ME* who had had a baby about 3 months earlier, went to the doc and got her checkup and a ‘script for contraceptives (so this insurance would pay for it, yo!) and went on her way to the drugstore and went to fill her ‘script thinkin’ she’d be allowed to pick out the raincoat part that she needed. Cuz her babydaddy at the time was a Magnum guy… It was a VERY rude awakening when pharmacy lady told her that a 3 pack of non lubed condoms in regular size was all the insurance would ante up for. There was an offer made to pay the difference in price to upgrade and pharmacy lady wasn’t having it. And so, my “friend” told pharmacy lady that when the subpar raincoats weren’t up for the job (due to rippage from overfilling) and she got knocked up again, she was gonna sue the pharmacy lady.

    And this is why my “friend” and her babydaddy went on their honeymoon and there was no sexytime and it was pretty much the WORST WEEKEND EVER, except there was a jacuzzi whirlpool tub.

    And also… if you’ve been having sexytime for over a decade and have only 2 kids, that’s not too bad…(but I can understand not wantin’ to tempt fate!)
    .-= MsDarkstar’s last blog post… Surly (so far) Sunday =-.

  5. I agree with Matt. The Trojan extra thin. My hubby got snipped a couple of months ago and unfortunately until all his swimmers are dead we have to resort to condoms. YUCK.

  6. Durex sensi-thin lubricated. They smell a lot better than Trojans. Fairly easy rolling and resilient. And they seem not to fail, which is the whole point.

  7. I have nothing to contribute. Although Mr. Wright got a vasectomy years ago, the State of Washington keeps dumping babies on our doorstep. It’s gotten so bad that we don’t even answer the phone. We screen our calls. The machine will start recording, “Hi! This is Social Worker Babydumper, and I was wondering if you could…”

    “Nooooooo!” we scream, and yank the phone out of the wall.

    That’s how I gave birth one time and ended up with seven kids. I’m telling you, disconnecting the phone is more effective than vasectomy.

    Just sayin’.
    .-= The Gonzo Mama’s last blog post… My Wisdom is Not Wasted, but I Am =-.

  8. Durex Extra Sensitive in the black and purple box. Feel the best and smell the least bad. They rock and are consistently voted the best condom that you can easily buy pretty much anywhere you can find online. And we all know the online doesn’t lie. And in my opinion you’d be better off using a ziploc bag than Trojans, even the extra thins.

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