Last night this book came across Crissy’s desk and at first she rolled her eyes and was all “stop it you silly lesbian” but then as she read through it started to make some sense to her and so she’s going to give it a whirl and see how we do with it.
Poor Jillian. They try to make her pretty.
Crissy is being mean to Jillian because Jillian makes Crissy’s fanny hurt. Jillian is a whore. A sweaty whore.
So do you Queefies know what Crissy has decided to do for you because she is magnanimous and loving?
Since lots of you are probably like Crissy and you don’t have time to be driving to no gym to work out and shit and you don’t have a million monies to buy workout DVDs that suck, she is going to do you a favor and test them for you and give you the full report and if it’s hard enough or silly enough, Crissy might do a demonstration video for you. If you’re lucky and you promise to bury your face in her crotchals.
OMG but NO demonstration video! Why can’t Crissy turn off the italics???
So the first one that Crissy will review for you is this one called Banish Fat Boost Metabolism by Jillian Michaels since the theme for today is anyone? anyone?
Jillian Michaels.
The Sweaty Whore.
Crissy liked her rather a lot on the Biggest Loser Cardio Workout and so she gave this a try. At first, Crissy thought the workout was for little pussy girls because at one point during the warm-up Jillian said “your heart should be banging out of your chest right about now” and Crissy was like, “not so much” and then!
It sneaked up on Crissy and she was praying for sweet, sweet baby Jesus to come and drink from her breast and then take her away to heaven because that Jillian was kicking Crissy’s fanny all over the place! At one point, Crissy was sure she could see David and Grandma Helen pointing and laughing and telling her to just go into the light but really it turned out to be the sun coming through the window and Crissy didn’t recognize it because it only just rains here now.
By the end of the thing, Crissy pretty much felt her lungs burning and her legs were shaky which is a really good feeling. The cool down stretching totally sucked though and Crissy wound up with that awful blue balls feeling and so she did some yogacizing to make up for it (speaking of yoga, ever done like an hour of power yoga and then rubbed one out? Try it. You’ll be stoned as a motherfucker all day… not that Crissy knows anything about that). The next day, Crissy was moderately sore so the workout did something.
Crissy gives this DVD 5 out of 6 Queef stars and Crissy plans to come up with a better rating system for next time because she plans on doing this at least once a month or whenever the hell she feels like it. The Queefs are to help her by making suggestions of videos they want Crissy to review for them if she can possibly get her hands on them otherwise the next one is Turbo Jam.
Or Hip Hop Abs.
Are you Queefs pumped? Crissy is pumped!
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i promise to bury my face in your crotchals
can i make a demo video of that?
Crissy’s Pimp’s last blog post… august 18th already?
Pimp-You will get nothing after that little incident the other night. I’m sick as a dog today from that damn pill. I mean, MY FRIEND IS. My FRIEND.
Video Suggestion: Sweatin’ to the Oldies! I just love Richard Simmons–and you KNOW you could rock some short shorts!
Eeeeeee!! I can’t wait to see Crissy’s demonstration video! I’m with Rachel, go with the Oldies!
chickenlips’s last blog post… blog cabin
I want my legs to be shaky from something else. It’s been way too long.
k8’s last blog post… Fall Is Coming. I Can Smell It.
Poor Jillian Michaels. I wonder if she knows how often SHE gets shredded on the blogs.
Ben’s last blog post… Better safe than sorry is hurting my wallet
I’m going to try the power yoga with follow up rubbing. If I don’t get stoned can I sue you for the hour-long workout?
Akilah Sakai’s last blog post… Pissed Off The Tooth Fairy … Literally
I can’t even handle 30 minutes of power yoga, nevermind an hour.
I support the Richard Simmons request. OR Darren’s Dance Moves.
Sara’s last blog post… I blog a lot about hangovers.
I’ll have to follow up one of my YRG workouts with a rub-out…USING DYNAMIC RESISTANCE… ooohh…(Now I don’t want to go to work… I wanna stay home and do YRG and then rub one out and then spend the rest of the day semi-comatose in the bathtub with my new Butter Dream Brulee bath stuff… do you think my boss will mind if I call in “orgasmically exhausted”?)
Looking forward to more reviews and am contemplating a face full o’ Crissy crotchals and… yeah…hmmm… where’s the video camera?
MsDarkstar’s last blog post… A peek at the past….(a culinary adventure)
here is jillian doing a shot of tequilla:
that’s a part of the diet i can get behind!
ok, i have to go find some nice hard hour-long yoga dvd RIGHT NOW. RIGHTNOW.
alice’s last blog post… eharmony: i am not compatible
You need your own review blog. No but for real.
Marie’s last blog post… Bchele
I am pumped, and I think it it time to bid farewell to FANNY and breathlessly return to ASS.
Video suggestion: Rear Entry Vol. 8.
Christian’s last blog post… Want Something To Do Tonight?
god, jillian is a beast, but at least she makes you sweat.
i have like, 15 different turbo jams. im a pretty big fan- haven’t done them in forfreakingever, but if you want me to send you some to borrow and review, let me know. they’re gathering dust now anyway.
I love sweaty whores!
With that in mind, I suggest, if you can find them, either the Teen Steam Workout Video with Alyssa Milano or the Jessica Simpson Speedfit workout video. Either one would be awesome!
But maybe, instead of reviewing workout videos, you should make your own and show us what a sweaty whore you can be.
Also, porn for girls is an awesome idea!
stoogepie’s last blog post… Mister Shorts Number 9
I first became acquianted witht the sweaty whore on some video called, “The Biggest Winner” or somesuch bullshit. It was cardio kickboxing though, and it was pretty okay. 30 Day Shred, is effing hardcore though.
And I have a brilliant suggestion for a workout video review. You simply have to give us a video of you doing the Flirty Girl Fitness workout. Or maybe it’s called, Flirty Girl Pole Dancing or, Lap Dancing or something. Anyway it’s slut-tastic. And you would be great at it.
And I mean that. Plus, I really want to order it too. And so if you do it, I will too.
Lost Artist’s last blog post… Lost on the only road I’ve ever known.
Um will you please please please do another work out video while drunk and wearing high heels again? I about died laughing at your last one. Love it! Don’t even care what workout video! Your choice!
xoxo
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Stoogie- If only someone would make a good girly porn movie…
crissy’s last blog post… Jillian Michaels is a sweaty whore
QOFE: Good girly porn could change the whole fucking world. In a sweet way.
stoogepie’s last blog post… Mister Shorts Number 9
I couldn’t agree more. That combined with Pimp’s idea to make semen taste like chocolate could bring about World Peace. Someone should Do Something.
crissy’s last blog post… Jillian Michaels is a sweaty whore
strip aerobics, por favor
not the carmen electra one though. it sucks.
Maxie’s last blog post… Would You Rather Wednesday
I promise! I promise! (if only in my dreams, sorry Mr.)
joeinvegas’s last blog post… Horses?
I’m late to the party here, but I have always wanted to try the Yoga Booty Ballet thingy. MOstly because the name is ridiculous, so I’m wondering if the work out is too.
And also? Chocolate flavored semen would change the world in so many ways. End wars, increase productivity at work, and save the whales. OR even other flavors too. Someone get on that please.
What about Jillian’s 30 Day Shred? Everyone tells me to try it. Apparently I’m not sweaty enough.
Beyond Alice’s last blog post… Still waiting.
OMG Daisee….I LURVE the idea of chocolate semen. I am going to talk to my husband about this TONIGHT.
Beyond Alice’s last blog post… Still waiting.
i don’t really know why, but something about that woman scares the you know what out of me. I guess cause she’s to much like a drill sergeant. i nee positive motivation when I workout.
Brooke Campbell’s last blog post… Fenphedra and Fen 72 Diet Pill Combo
I don’t care, she has a nice body, if I knew what to do with a woman, I’d certainly do it with her.
Petey Wheety’s last blog post… Red line fun