So remember Crissy wrote to the Queefs about her debacle at the Pediatrician’s office with the health insurance and all that crap? Crissy has at least one bullshit day like that per week and this one happened last week and she totally forgot about it until now. Do you know what she went through to get the papers that Human Resources needed to send to the insurance company in the first place?
Oh Queefs it’s no wonder Mommy drinks!
It all started when Mister called Crissy and said Human Resources needed a copy of Homeslice’s birth certificate to send to the insurance company because apparently all the bills from the Taco Doctor for all sorts of prenatal stuff and then the great big one from the hospital wasn’t enough proof that Crissy had a baby. They need a piece of paper from the City of Woonsocket, the armpit of Rhode Island where Homeslice was born, as proof of her existence.
Okay. Fine.
So Crissy and Girlfriend and Homeslice go on a little adventure to find Woonsocket City Hall and they did and they also found a parking spot in a teeny tiny lot where the cars are just packed in sooooo tightly and Crissy barely had room to open the door enough to get the car seat out and she would have used her sling to carry Homeslice (Holla Lioness!) but it was hot as balls and she couldn’t put another thing on her body so she lugged the seat though the street and a rather good looking homeless guy was standing in front of the door and he said something about Crissy’s ass and then held the door for her which was rather nice and very gentlemanly especially because of the ass comment and Crissy is wondering if he was really homeless or just a Resident of Woonsocket because the two are virtually indistinguishable. And Crissy climbed up three flights of very narrow stairs holding Girlfriend’s hand and lugging the 35lb car seat up to the un-air conditioned City Clerk’s office only to find out that a copy of the birth certificate cost $20 payable in cash or check, no credit cards.
Who the fuck carries cash anymore?
Not. Crissy.
FUCK!
So Crissy took out her wallet and counted $19.73.
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck!
So she asked where the nearest ATM was and went on her way back down the stairs and back to her boyfriend who was waiting to open the door for her again and she swears he tried to touch her bum but she couldn’t be sure because it might have just been a bead of sweat instead and she lugged the car seat a couple of blocks to find that the ATM was anyone? anyone? BROKEN.
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckandgodammitjesusfuckingshitchristwhatthefuck.
So Crissy walked back the two blocks to the car and at this point, Girlfriend is whining that she’s thirsty and Crissy of course has nothing for her like she usually does and everyone is melting to death and Crissy squeeeeeeezzzzed back into her car to count more change she found in the console and went all the way back to the City Clerk’s office to find the line was now five people deep.
And Girlfriend is whining and repeating “I’m thirsty, I’m thirsty, I’m thirsty, I’m thirsty” over and over and over, Queefs. And she’s bored and so she starts fucking with the toys on Homeslice’s car seat and it of course wakes her up and she starts to fuss because she’s hot and hungry and pissed that she’s awake.
And everyone in the office hates Crissy and her children and was looking at them with death eyes and who could blame them because Crissy was looking at herself with death eyes too and when Crissy finally got to the desk the clerk was a bitch to her but she gave her what she needed and Crissy and Girlfriend and Homeslice were on their way and Crissy was hoping her homeless boyfriend was there waiting to open the door for her and maybe touch her bum again but he was gone and so Crissy went home with a bruise on her arm from the car seat but she had a song in her heart because she had accomplished her mission despite many setbacks and didn’t even cry or kill herself or either of her children.
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your ass is capable of eliciting unsolicited compliments from even the most downtrodden and destitute.
what harm is it to let the guy touch the divine and give it a little pat?
you probably made his month.
and you TOTALLY should have asked him for some spare change after he did.
You are the bravest woman I know. I would NEVER go to Woonsocket.
On the upside, Homeslice has nowhere to go but up in life!
Ah Woonsocket. I know it well. I used to work in that hellhole of a city. The beautiful thing about it is that not matter WHAT you look like, or WHAT you’re wearing, you always look better than the residents. Have you ever been to the WalMart in Woonsocket? Or as I lovingly refer to it-FreakMart.
Lynne’s last blog post… An open letter to the government from the Teabaggers
Your pimp took the words right out of my mouth…I was pretty sure you were going to offer the homeless man a squeeze instead of a pat in exchange for $0.27
Probably would have been the best $0.27 he has ever spent.
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Oh Crissy. I would have cried. And cried so much they would have given me the birth certificate less the 27 cents. I’m rethinking the whole wanting a baby thing. I would cry too much. And probably start drinking again.
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You tell the best stories Crissy. The BEST. I really need to start making “death eyes” a part of my regular vocabulary.
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Boy Crissy, I get exhausted just reading about your excursions. If I worked at the City Clerks office and saw you lugging around a 35-pound baby carrier and a toddler, I would have reached into my wallet and given you the 27 cents.
I think you helped make up my mind about which car seat to buy. I don’t think I can lug 35 pounds of car seat and baby up three flights of stairs without dropping the baby or falling over or having to crawl.
And like Tracy, I would have just given you the money myself if I worked there. It’s common courtesy. But I’ve not been to Woonsocket, so maybe people there don’t have courtesy.
I totally agree with the Lost Artist. That was awesome story telling. And I think I’m going to go to Woonsocket just so I can give out “death eyes” and get my ass pat.
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Ok, so you know I am not all crazy about the childrens but, really, had it been MY window and you were 27 cents short, I would have chipped in the 27 cents. And maybe a fifth of vodka. Cuz you know those people gotta have the vodka there behind the counter.
I think I’m gonna have to make more bath stuff because Crissy is just gonna start locking herself in the bathroom for days and she may as well smell fabulous, right?
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i’m pretty sure i would have forced the clerk to cough up $0.27. what a turd, that she made you go FIND frickin 27 cents..!? mean.
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What do you mean you didn’t have anything for Girlfriend to drink? Aren’t you nursing? Or is Homeslice sooo special that she can’t share a nip now and then?
Dingo’s last blog post… Dingo’s Gambit
excellent point, dingo.
Didn’t we establish a couple of weeks ago that public nursing is never, ever to be done in the armpit of RI? Although it would have served those people right to force them to watch.
C’mon. When I am anywhere in a line in front of a mommy with a screamer, she gets an offer to change spots with me. The spawn gets out of the public space faster, and I get to transact my business in peace when my turn comes. Win!
I. Would. Have. Popped.
Okay, get this women a Saab dammit!
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What is the song in your heart?
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You make me want children so bad it hurts.
Also, the percentage of your readers who have their own fond memories of Woonsocket is a little disturbing.
How much would it have taken for you to have the good looking homeless dude give you 27 cents, buy Girlfriend a drink, and strangle the Woonsocket City Clerk? No much at all, I’m sure.
stoogepie’s last blog post… Stoogepiety: The Stoogepie Story
Woonsocket is a bit like Appalachia, what with the inbreeding and all..
yeh right.. great post, Thank You
Very considerate post but there are some burden where I last wishes as not agree. But blanket its completely good.
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