Homeslice Goes to the Doctor

So yesterday Crissy dropped Girlfriend off at camp where she made puppets while Crissy ran errands and took Homeslice to the doctor.

And so Crissy’s first stop was to run into Target to pick up a prescription for Mister and so she lugged the 35 pound car seat all the way through the store to discover the pharmacy doesn’t open until ten.


And so she moved on to the gas station where she pulled up to the only available pump only to discover that the premium gasoline that Sasha insists on having or else she sputters and gags is out of order, forcing Crissy to wait in line at another pump. Tick. Tock.

(Crissy just saw an ad on the TV for some new Saabs and they’re a great deal and so right now Crissy is making a formal request to Mister in front of the Queefs to buy her a new Saab and so HELP CONVINCE HIM QUEEFIES! Crissy loves Sasha but she’s old and her clock is broken and every time that ad comes on TV she comments to Mister about what a good deal it is and he’s not getting the hint.)

She finally makes it to the doctor’s with about two minutes to spare, she gets in line to check in and when she finally gets the window and gives the lady her information she finds out that Homeslice has been kicked off Mister’s insurance.


And so the lady called Mister’s insurance company and they wouldn’t talk to her and said that Crissy had to call and so Crissy called with only one bar remaining on her cell phone only for them to tell her they couldn’t tell her anything and she had to call Mister’s Human Resource Department and kick some ass over there and so she called Mister and told him to call them and he did and they said they sent everything the insurance company wanted. And so then Crissy called the insurance company back and they said they didn’t get the stuff and that Crissy should have Human Resources call them all the while Crissy is waiting for her phone to die which adds to the stress of course and so she finally got pissed off in front of God and everyone in the waiting room and shouted “are you telling me that I cannot take my child to the doctor because somebody somewhere dropped the ball? Is that what you’re saying to me right now?” And the lady said to just take Homeslice to the doctor and that Human Resources would have to sort it out.

Crissy was pissed. off.

But she didn’t cry and she didn’t say FUCK even one time because she is a model of composure and self-restraint with the grace of a gazelle as evidenced in the photos from yesterday.

And so Crissy and Homeslice finally went into the exam room and Homeslice weighs 13.6 lbs and she’s 24 inches long and everyone was commenting about Crissy’s boobies and how nice they feed Homeslice and Crissy waited and waited for the doctor and then it happened.

Homeslice had an epic diaper blow out and the yellow baby shit flowed out of the top, sides, and back of the diaper and all over Crissy in her adorable new purple dress. And Crissy got that dress from Marshall’s and it was very expensive but because in addition to being a Model of Composure and Self-restraint with the Grace of a gazelle, Crissy is a Frugal Shopper and found the dress on clearance and it’s a crying shame it was shat upon so casually by Homeslice who obviously does not appreciate fine clothing.

And there Crissy was in the exam room, covered in shit. And Homeslice was covered in shit. And the exam table was covered in shit. And the clean up was just about the most stressful thing ever because the more Crissy tried to clean it up, the more it just smeared all over the place and Crissy was trying to hurry because if the doctor came in and saw the mess, she’d probably leave and wait for it to be cleaned up and it would probably be another forever before she came back.

And then to make it wicked fun, Homeslice barfed up.

Crissy finally got cleaned up but the smell of that diaper and Crissy’s dress was, well, not so good.

And it turns out Crissy needn’t have hurried because it took the doctor another hour before she came in and so that makes a grand total of three hours spent at the doctor’s office and Crissy was late picking Girlfriend up at summer camp which means that she didn’t have time to change her shitty dress AND she looked like mother of the year picking her kid up late but she couldn’t call to warn them because the cell phone was dead.

And Crissy still had to go back to Target to get Mister’s medicine so she had to with a shitty dress and then when she got home Girlfriend and Homeslice were begging for food and so to make a long story slightly less long, Crissy wore the shitty dress for the better part of the day yesterday and so she thinks Mister should buy her a new car.

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  1. There must be something cosmic brewing…Faryn had a meltdown of EPIC proportion–like screaming, hiding under beds in someone else’s house and now I have to carry 60 pounds of child out without beating her and having to explain to the po-po why my child decided to be a neurotic psycho and duct tape and rope was the only reasonable option.

    Oh, and Tim is away ALL WEEK. And did I mention that my coffee pot BLEW UP this morning and then I found a palmetto bug (nice way of saying disgusting Florida ROACH) in the light of my REFRIGERATOR!

    And all before 8am….suh-weet!

  2. ps–is there any medication to cause either a do-over day OR a let’s just wake up tomorrow and forget this all ever happened???

  3. At least it was breast milk shit and not disgusting solid food shit. Maybe you should wait til Homeslice is older for the new car. You don’t want it covered in poop and barf. My youngest son barfed so much in the car, we had to hose it down with Fabreze before we could sell it.

  4. Crissy, I’m so sorry your day went so, umm, shittily yesterday. I’m really a bit scared, though. Is it too late to change my mind about the whole having kids thing? I’m not sure I have the composure you do when faced with the situation you had.

    Also, I think a new car is in order, but perhaps waiting until HS stops barfing and shitting all over everything isn’t the worst idea in the world.

  5. I hope that when Mister got home you retreated to the bathroom and had a nice long soak in the tub. Or that the stars will align at some point and you can do that. Because showers just don’t cut it when you have the poo and spitup stink that seems to get into your pores.

    And to prove you aren’t alone…
    Read that…that poor young mother…
    .-= MsDarkstar’s last blog post… Apparently, I shake kitties from cat trees…. =-.

  6. I think it’s really interesting that Mister has yet to comment on this post.

    It’s probably because he’s out buying the car right now. STANDARD TRANSMISSION WITH A SUNROOF AND A GOOD STEREO PLEASE.

    Thanks Mister! You probably still won’t get a blow job but I’ll feel even guiltier for it.
    .-= Crissy’s last blog post… Homeslice Goes to the Doctor =-.

  7. What? You didn’t just pull your dress off and walk around nakedy like Mister does?

    In other words, I’m sorry it was such a bad day. I would have cried at the doctor’s office. Hand’s down. I was informed once while trying to get plates for my new car that “There will be no crying at the Treasurer’s office.” Try to live THAT one down. I’m sure they have me flagged.
    .-= k8’s last blog post… Therapy Tuesday =-.

  8. Oh, god I hate days like that. And what is it about the doctor’s that make babies crap their pants? A did it every single time we went.

    I also never give parenting advice, except this one: get a sling. So much easier than those car seat things. And you have both hands free!
    .-= Melissa Lion’s last blog post… Breaking News =-.

  9. I am very impressed that the Queen managed to not explode when dealing with the insurance company lackeys. I fucking cannot stand the thought….luckily, I rarely need to do that anymore, as I mostly go to practitioners outside of what my evil company will pay for, so I have been spared the horrendous frustrations……Please, Congress, make it simpler for all of us, please please please.

  10. I’d have cried. I had to wait over an hour for a doctors appointment today and I didn’t have a dead cellphone, a pooping, spewing baby, another kid someplace waiting for me, and a mister who wasn’t getting hints about a new car. I nearly cried even without all that extra stuff you so brilliantly dealt with.
    .-= CuppyCakes’s last blog post… That Was Surprising. =-.

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