Isn’t Mister the cutest in his new sunglasses?  They’re Rocawear or something like that which Cya informed Crissy is what all The Homies are wearing and Crissy just shops at Target and so she doesn’t know a lot about The Homies but she worries that him wearing these glasses is sort of like walking around wearing a FUBU shirt and looking like a total fucking jackass but he still looks hot even if Jay-Z is totally going to kick his ass for stealing his sunglasses.

_MG_8820-76

Or maybe Jay-Z will just want to make Sexy Time with Mister cuz he’s totally fuckable but sadly Crissy has no interest in Sexy Time whatsoever and so Mister just follows her around and is all octopussy around her and stuff but Crissy is just like “Get OFF ME!” and stuff so are there

Any volunteers?

He likes it when you smack him in the ass and call him a nasty little slut blow jobs and a little back door action.

Interested parties should fill in the form below.

PS: He’d probably even consider the boys at this point because it’s only skin after all…

So there Crissy was,  minding her own business and doing a little shopping at Kohl’s with Homeslice whilst Girlfriend was at summer camp for the morning, when Homeslice started working herself into a fuss.  She was hungry and Crissy thought that was very, very rude indeed because it was not on the pre-approved, negotiated feeding schedule.

WTF Homeslice?

Anyrudebaby, to shut Homeslice up, Crissy decided to feed her in the dressing room at Kohl’s instead of leaving and going out to the car because it is rather frowned upon to feed a baby in public around here and so Crissy walked through the store just grabbing stuff as she went so it would look like she was really going to try stuff on and not whip out her tits in there because heaven forbid someone expose a tit even in a dressing room.  And while Crissy was in there some other ladies came in and it was very, very, very quiet except of course for the occasional zipper sound and Homeslice’s  super loud SLURP!  SLURP! SLURPING which probably sounded weird and Crissy tried to make her more quiet but that’s totally impossible as it turns out and the ladies must have been wondering what the hell was going on in that handicapped dressing room when it happened.

RRRRRRRRIIIIIIPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!

Homeslice filled her diaper in a rather dramatic and thunderous fashion and it echoed through the dressing room.  Zippers stopped mid-zip, try on projects were aborted and people left the dressing room.

Crissy is not even kidding you.

And poor Crissy was standing there with Homeslice looking very proud of herself with milk dripping off her chin and a nice full diaper.

Crissy did not know what to do.

Should she change the diaper in the dressing room?  Should she go to the ladies room?  Should she just pay for her stuff and get the hell out of the store?

Yes.

Get out of the store because sometimes the smart thing to do is just run away.

And so Crissy and Homeslice ran away but not before paying for the adorable outfit with the bunnies on it.

That was for Homeslice.

Crissy likes things with kitties on it for herself.

So as you Queefies know, Crissy is doing The Breastfeeding and don’t worry.

She’s not going to tell you all about it but suffice it to say that it is not an easy thing to commit to because despite what you might thing about boobies being meant for this sort of thing, the boobies do not agree and if they could form some sort of Boob Union or United Boob Coalition they would totally do it because they work very hard, you know.  They bleed, they turn rock hard, they leak when they see the baby or when the baby cries, they hurt, and they get very, very big and then there’s a baby demanding to suck on them every two hours around the clock and that does not exactly feel good.  There is no escape and no rest for the poor boobies and they don’t even get any play during Sexy Time because they’re strictly for utilitarian purposes.

And if that’s not bad enough, look at the uniform they’re forced to wear:

Nursing bras are just the ugliest, least sexy things ever made unless a person has eleventy million dollars to spend on a pretty designer one but nobody does except perhaps Salma Hayek and so the boobies all wear the ugly ones and feel ugly and gross and pretty much like  dishrags and can’t even wear a cute tank top this summer because the straps on the things are so thick and huge it just looks like the boobies are wearing grandmother’s bra and so Eeww!

Needless to say, the poor boobies get very, very sad indeed.

And so this is why when Crissy got a “Breastfeeding Support” packet from Formula Making People at the hospital and again at her postpartum Taco Doctor visit and then even some in the mail she felt a little bit like poor Charlie Bucket after he found the golden ticket and old Mr. Slugworth kept showing up and whispering at him about doing evil.

Look at all the formula Crissy has from the “Breastfeeding Support” packets!

_MG_8977-1

Right?

RIGHT?

“Here Crissy, try this.  It’s eeeeeaaaaassssssyyyyy and you’ll be able to wear a pretty bra and you’ll be able to leave Homeslice for more than two hours at a time and you won’t hurt anymore and your shirts will fit you and you can sleep through the night and Mister will be able to touch them and ooooooooo the luxxxxxury…just try it.  Just a little bit.  Homeslice won’t know the difference…just a little something to get you through the night..”

Fucking evildoing formula peoples.

Don’t you worry Queefies.

Crissy is hip to their game and so are her boobies.  They cannot be bought with free diaper bags, sample packets, and rebate offers!

No sir!

Look how happy they make Homeslice:

_MG_9093-47

And huh.

Crissy just realized that she did tell the Queefies all about her boobies after all but that’s okay because boobies have been suffering in silence for too long and so Crissy is happy to be the Voice of Boobies! or The Boobian Defense League or, um, something.

Oh wow Queefies!

The sun is out this morning!

Normally this would not be noteworthy but here in New England all the Queefs have been waking up to cold and cloudy skies for about six weeks straight.  It’s been the coldest and rainiest summer on record.

But Crissy hopes it’s all done because the sun has been out for like, two days now and Crissy is feeling a lot less like  running down pedestrians with her car just to cheer herself up.

And you know what she noticed as she came downstairs in the sunlight to write about something totally different this morning?

Crissy noticed that she has a lot of stuff.

Way, way, way too much stuff.

There’s stuff over here and stuff over there and holy shit the stuff is winning.  It’s forming an army right now and it’s getting ready to take Crissy’s house away from her and so the Queen must take action.  The stuff thinks Crissy cannot hear it whispering and planning a takeover when she’s walking by but she can hear it just fine you guys and she’s not gonna let her stuff makes her its bitch.

And so Crissy is saying it in front of all the Queefs so that she has witnesses and she’s going to learn how to sell stuff on Ebay and put stuff on Craigslist and she’s going to throw some stuff out and she’s going to stay the fuck away from the dollar bins at Target and she’s only going to drop stuff off at Saver’s and not buy anything no matter how cool or retro or how much it makes her think of her grandma and  she’s going to have a gigantic yard sale where The Poor and the Dirty Foreign People will come by the carload and try to haggle with her over things that cost 25 cents and she will shout at them to get off her lawn and perhaps hit them a little bit on the face and  jesus christ will somebody shut that baby up?  It’s really hard to be the QOFE when there’s a baby crying upstairs and nobody seems to be doing anything about it, MISTER.

AnyhousefullofshitCrissyneedstogetridofandwillsomebodypleasemakethebabystopcrying, this is quite possibly the lamest post ever written and so Crissy is pretty proud of that and so now she’s  going to take a small bow and then go and put a sock in that crying baby or maybe a boob or whatever but something must be done and will somebody tell Crissy why her neighbor’s son thinks it’s necessary to blast techno out of his car at 8 in the morning?

So yes.

Happy Monday.

Is today Monday?

Crissy doesn’t even know.

Guess what?

Crissy’s New Glasses Came In!

Let Crissy show you them, Queefies!

These are the Caviar ones for when Crissy is feeling like a fancy pants:
_MG_8936-35
_MG_8924-23
_MG_8920-19
_MG_8917-16

Then there’s these too because Crissy sometimes feels a little more serious and so she has the Vera Wang ones for those times when she might cut a bitch:
_MG_8968-67
_MG_8974-73
_MG_8973-72
_MG_8957-56
_MG_8950-49

You can’t keep your hands off Crissy now, can you?