It’s worth getting an ass tumor.

So guess what you guys?

Remember how Crissy wanted a new mattress that came complete with a free Mattress Slut and a new refrigerator complete with lettuce chopping Asian Bitches?

Well she got them!

Crissy and Mister spent the weekend making The Poor who work on commission very, very happy indeed.

First they went to the furniture store where The Poor work and so they were attacked by them and it looked a lot like one of those obstacle course game shows as the Crissys ducked and bobbed and weaved their way under, around, and through tacky and over-priced living room and dining room sets to the mattress department, trying to escape ravenous sales zombies who chased them desperately shouting “is there anything I can help you find?” and the Crissys had to yell at them “NO! Let go of my leg!”

And then the Crissys saw this:

It’s a Tempur-Pedic and a light was shining down upon it and angels were singing Hallelujah! and so the Crissys bought it and this is wonderful news except that it did not come with a free slut.  This makes Crissy very sad and when she asked the salesdude if it really came with a free slut just like in the picture he looked at her like she was crazy or retarded or perverted or something.

Crissy doesn’t know what his problem was because it seems like a perfectly reasonable question to Crissy and she thinks they should put one of those little notes on the picture like they do when batteries are not included but instead it would say “slut not included” or whatever.  Crissy plans to write a strongly worded letter to the mattress people because when she pays that kind of money for a mattress she expects it to come with somebody who will do naughty things to her husband whilst she sleeps in comfort and luxury.

That’s false advertising, Queefies and  IT’S AGAINST THE LAW.

And it was delivered on Saturday, sans slut, and so far it’s been pretty nice.  It just smells like foam right now and Crissy is pretty sure that’s not too good to be breathing in and it’s probably emitting some sort of transurethanefoamcancer or something and so she’ll probably get some sort of a ass tumor from it but that’s okay because she’ll have gotten it in her sleep which seems better to her somehow and speaking of asses.

When you sit on those mattresses you leave an indentation and WHY DIDN’T SOMEBODY TELL CRISSY HER ASS WAS THAT BIG? Crissy is wondering if that ass tumor is growing already because her ass cannot possibly be that big!  Granted, she just had a baby and everything but still.

For really you guys, if you sit on one of those mattresses DO NOT LOOK AT YOUR ASS PRINT.  You’ll want to kill yourself.

And then Crissy and Mister bought a refrigerator that will most likely not freeze lettuce and drip rusty water all down it’s fronts and it looks like this:

And no.  It didn’t come with any Asian Bitches BUT! it has an ice maker so that’s a pretty good compromise if you ask Crissy because she loves to hear the splinky tinkle sound of ice in her drink almost as much as she likes her lettuce chopped.

So clearly, it’s been a very big weekend and if you’ll excuse Crissy, she’s done talking to you because she’s too good for you now that she’s got all this fancy new stuff and also she’s going to go and get some ice cream and sit her fat ass on her new bed and NOT look at the imprint.

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  1. I once went to a mattress store with my husband and we decided to try out the air number bed. You know the one? You get to lay down and mess with the numbers and see the color-coded parts of your body (as they press into the mattress) on a tv screen…and so does everyone else standing outside the mattress store. As it turns out, it’s very interesting to see how fat someone else’s ass is and laugh and laugh and laugh. I left without the bed (and my pride.)
    .-= chickenlips’s last blog post… I pickle and I bake and I support stereotypes =-.

  2. I am insanely jealous of your refrigerator. Mine came with my house and the college chicks who lived there before me made everyone who partied with them sign the side of it so there are lots of random names and vulgar pictures on it which is funny until you have company over for a nice dinner. Then it gets a little less funny. The graffiti side is currently covered with white contact paper which isn’t as tacky as it sounds but still…
    …I’m jealous.
    .-= Cal’s last blog post… We went out last night. =-.

  3. I am glad you are filling your house and surrounding yourself with luxurious new goodies. It’s what every queen and pimp and their offspring deserve.

    My hub and I are dancing the “do we want a new mattress” game. We bought one about 4 years ago and it’s still great. But he’s leaning towards upping to the king size. So that’s a pretty big expense just because he wants more sleeping space. Hmmmm. But if it won’t even come with a free mattress slut, then I’m not sure I”m on board anymore.

  4. I’m sure it isn’t that your ass is big… the bed is just making a bigger indentation so it won’t totally conform to your tiny heiny and keep you stuck to the bed. Yeah,I am sure that’s it.

    And the fridge isn’t supposed to freeze your lettuce? Hmmm, wonder what else my appliances are holding out on me about…
    .-= MsDarkstar’s last blog post… Clock’s Wrong =-.

  5. There are countless reasons why I cannot let my husband read your blog and *this* is one of them. If he sees you promoting that Tempur-Pedic, he’s going to make us go and get one. And we don’t need one!!! Glad your ass is resting easy and you’re able to drink cold moo milk in the morning!
    .-= SoMi’s Nilsa’s last blog post… Thoughts =-.

  6. I have a Tempurpedic also and the sheets keep sliding off cause they put that stupid velour cover on the damn thing I kept finding myself mummified in fitted sheet everytime I woke up.

    None of thoes “cheery” sales people told me about that lovely fact.
    .-= Toe’s last blog post… Damn My Puter Died and It’s Monday =-.

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