The plight of the boobie

So as you Queefies know, Crissy is doing The Breastfeeding and don’t worry.

She’s not going to tell you all about it but suffice it to say that it is not an easy thing to commit to because despite what you might thing about boobies being meant for this sort of thing, the boobies do not agree and if they could form some sort of Boob Union or United Boob Coalition they would totally do it because they work very hard, you know.  They bleed, they turn rock hard, they leak when they see the baby or when the baby cries, they hurt, and they get very, very big and then there’s a baby demanding to suck on them every two hours around the clock and that does not exactly feel good.  There is no escape and no rest for the poor boobies and they don’t even get any play during Sexy Time because they’re strictly for utilitarian purposes.

And if that’s not bad enough, look at the uniform they’re forced to wear:

Nursing bras are just the ugliest, least sexy things ever made unless a person has eleventy million dollars to spend on a pretty designer one but nobody does except perhaps Salma Hayek and so the boobies all wear the ugly ones and feel ugly and gross and pretty much like  dishrags and can’t even wear a cute tank top this summer because the straps on the things are so thick and huge it just looks like the boobies are wearing grandmother’s bra and so Eeww!

Needless to say, the poor boobies get very, very sad indeed.

And so this is why when Crissy got a “Breastfeeding Support” packet from Formula Making People at the hospital and again at her postpartum Taco Doctor visit and then even some in the mail she felt a little bit like poor Charlie Bucket after he found the golden ticket and old Mr. Slugworth kept showing up and whispering at him about doing evil.

Look at all the formula Crissy has from the “Breastfeeding Support” packets!




“Here Crissy, try this.  It’s eeeeeaaaaassssssyyyyy and you’ll be able to wear a pretty bra and you’ll be able to leave Homeslice for more than two hours at a time and you won’t hurt anymore and your shirts will fit you and you can sleep through the night and Mister will be able to touch them and ooooooooo the luxxxxxury…just try it.  Just a little bit.  Homeslice won’t know the difference…just a little something to get you through the night..”

Fucking evildoing formula peoples.

Don’t you worry Queefies.

Crissy is hip to their game and so are her boobies.  They cannot be bought with free diaper bags, sample packets, and rebate offers!

No sir!

Look how happy they make Homeslice:


And huh.

Crissy just realized that she did tell the Queefies all about her boobies after all but that’s okay because boobies have been suffering in silence for too long and so Crissy is happy to be the Voice of Boobies! or The Boobian Defense League or, um, something.

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  1. I’m sorry, did you say something about boobies? Because I can’t take my eyes off Taco Homeslice, who shares the same eyes as Girlfriend.
    .-= SoMi’s Nilsa’s last blog post… Racey =-.

  2. working boobies around the world are rejoicing the fact that someone, somewhere, has finally heard their pleas for recognition!

    you are a liberator of lactation, the champion of cleavage, an advocate of areolas, a freedom fighter of funbags, the defender of d-cups, an unfetterer of udders, the MOTHER THERESA OF MAMMARIES!!

    ***the crowd roars with approval and respect***
    .-= Crissy’s Pimp’s last blog post… wed, july 08, 09 =-.

  3. You can talk about your boobies all you want. They’re lovely. Just keep posting pictures of Girlfriend and Homeslice. And I guess boobie pics don’t hurt either, as long as you remember I prefer them clothed.

  4. I was going to say that I’d post pictures of me in a breastfeeding bra for moral support but then I saw how cute the taco is and I lost all sympathy for you. THERE WILL BE NO COMPLAINING WHILE THAT IS SMILING AT YOU.
    .-= Ben’s last blog post… Hi there. =-.

  5. over here in the ‘uk’ they are so against tempting people away from b-effing that they don’t even put offers on the formula in the chemist – let alone give it to people for free!

    I have to say I gave in – it wasn’t so much the lure of the normal bras or the sleep because I did the feeds anyway – but it was the sexy time…. booo to sexy time with no boobie action!
    .-= nutty mummy’s last blog post… Interesting part of the movie … I gave up! =-.

  6. I admire you for thinking about sexy time. I didn’t have sex for a year after A was born.

    Okay, that might have been something I should have saved for the therapist.

    Also, I might have had a touch of the Post Partum Depressions.
    .-= Melissa Lion’s last blog post… My Ikea Footprint =-.

  7. I think I own that exact bra. It’s packed in the “bag” waiting in the car because the cupcake is fucking 4 days late!

    Being this kind of late is WAY worse than in college when I used to pray to aunt flo would show her ugly face.

    I’m not bitter…really. (feel the sarcasm)

    Being in the same predictament I have found some appropriately priced and not utterly horrible looking nursing bras:

    And why aren’t you pumping???
    .-= Dolce’s last blog post… Leave me alone or else I’m going to pour my decaf all over you and hope you melt like the wicked witch of the west =-.

  8. every once in a while i’m jealous of my preggo friends because their boobages just get so BIG! and BOOBY! and mine are, well, to quote shakira, small and humble. but then i remember i’d have to actually go through with the whole baby thing, and that seems like poor logic just to get big boobs.
    .-= Alice’s last blog post… bullet-y goodness =-.

  9. Boobie, schmoobie. I have big girls. So big that I can NEVER get to wear the pretty bras. I buy and proudly wear the INDUSTRIAL size, and wrestle them into submission. Pregnancy, and post baby were especially difficult…because despite your depiction…they don’t make industrial sized/support nursing bras.

    Although, I was lucky with no chapping or bleeding…….but the mere sight or sound of a child and they’d put a small fire out.

    So, I’m sorry you are in boob hell, but yours are so pretty that I’m still jealous.
    .-= Shelly’s last blog post… Horny Toad =-.

  10. Ahhh… is a long gone memory for me, but I do still have sympathy! Hang in there. It burns calories, too! Lactate away!!

  11. Crissy,

    Let me start off by saying… I am a virgin.

    Yes, I have never commented on a blog before. I never thought it could be this good. I had to write though because of three words… “postpartum Taco doctor” Brilliant!

    I always wondered why God did that to us men. A baby comes along, the boobies grow and grow becoming oh so full and big whereas it is almost like having a different woman in bed next to us. I remember when my wife was breastfeeding and the little man between my legs caught a glimpse of those massive mammaries and said, “who the fuck is that, introduce me”. As per his wish, I tried to introduce him to the twins and what was her response?

    NO! You can’t touch, they’re for the baby!

    (It’s no one, go back to sleep little man)

  12. Yummy yummy baby! They make the torture worth it. I have suffered my friend, I have suffered. I had three months of thrush, mastitis, cracks, bleeding, and toe-curling pain. But I stuck it out! Those free samples of formula just motivated me to stay away from the dark side. However, NOW I have the utmost sympathy for those who can’t stick it out or who have to use formula for any reason. I will never judge again! So glad I stuck it out though. Very worth it.
    .-= Sandy’s last blog post… Wordless Wednesday–Wet =-.

  13. I’ve been in Malibu the past week and so NOT interested in being on the computer and came home to see this picture….she is gorgeousness!!! I’m sure your boobies look good, too, Crissy.

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