So as you Queefies know, Crissy is doing The Breastfeeding and don’t worry.
She’s not going to tell you all about it but suffice it to say that it is not an easy thing to commit to because despite what you might thing about boobies being meant for this sort of thing, the boobies do not agree and if they could form some sort of Boob Union or United Boob Coalition they would totally do it because they work very hard, you know. They bleed, they turn rock hard, they leak when they see the baby or when the baby cries, they hurt, and they get very, very big and then there’s a baby demanding to suck on them every two hours around the clock and that does not exactly feel good. There is no escape and no rest for the poor boobies and they don’t even get any play during Sexy Time because they’re strictly for utilitarian purposes.
And if that’s not bad enough, look at the uniform they’re forced to wear:
Nursing bras are just the ugliest, least sexy things ever made unless a person has eleventy million dollars to spend on a pretty designer one but nobody does except perhaps Salma Hayek and so the boobies all wear the ugly ones and feel ugly and gross and pretty much like dishrags and can’t even wear a cute tank top this summer because the straps on the things are so thick and huge it just looks like the boobies are wearing grandmother’s bra and so Eeww!
Needless to say, the poor boobies get very, very sad indeed.
And so this is why when Crissy got a “Breastfeeding Support” packet from Formula Making People at the hospital and again at her postpartum Taco Doctor visit and then even some in the mail she felt a little bit like poor Charlie Bucket after he found the golden ticket and old Mr. Slugworth kept showing up and whispering at him about doing evil.
Look at all the formula Crissy has from the “Breastfeeding Support” packets!
“Here Crissy, try this. It’s eeeeeaaaaassssssyyyyy and you’ll be able to wear a pretty bra and you’ll be able to leave Homeslice for more than two hours at a time and you won’t hurt anymore and your shirts will fit you and you can sleep through the night and Mister will be able to touch them and ooooooooo the luxxxxxury…just try it. Just a little bit. Homeslice won’t know the difference…just a little something to get you through the night..”
Fucking evildoing formula peoples.
Don’t you worry Queefies.
Crissy is hip to their game and so are her boobies. They cannot be bought with free diaper bags, sample packets, and rebate offers!
Look how happy they make Homeslice:
Crissy just realized that she did tell the Queefies all about her boobies after all but that’s okay because boobies have been suffering in silence for too long and so Crissy is happy to be the Voice of Boobies! or The Boobian Defense League or, um, something.
- Gettin’ paid, gettin’ laid, gettin’ rich
- Homeslice will cut a bitch
- Itty bitty titty committee
- Today, we’re in the melon business.
- They’re two, they’re four, they’re six, they’re eight, shunting trucks and hauling freight…