Crissyshack: Version ’09

Guess what you guys?

It’s gonna fuckin’ rain today!


There are only so many coloring projects Girlfriend can do and there are only so many closets Crissy can clean out and so the sun needs to make an appearance or else there’s gonna be trouble up in this bitch.


So yesterday the adorable and very loyal Queef Marie, inquired about Frank and Crissy thinks she’s psychic because Crissy had planned on writing about Frank today because he’s really done it this time, you guys.

Did Crissy mention that she planted all her garden stuff from seed back in March because Crissy doesn’t fuck around with no tomatoes from the Home Depot.  She makes her own tomatoes and shit.

Crissy is hardcore.

And Crissy is about to get a little bit more hardcore because Frank the Woodland Douchebag Asshole has eaten his last motherfucking flower.  Remember how last year he ate Crissy’s zinnias and some other stuff that she planted from her Papa’s generations old seeds?  And remember how he waited until they bloomed to eat them?

You do?

You guys hang on Crissy’s every word, don’t you?

Well last year Crissy and Mister were driving through Newport when Crissy saw the most gorgeous orange poppies

and Crissy fell in love with them and she said that she wanted to try planting them this year and so she did and you know where this is going don’t you?


He waited until they bloomed and then he destroyed every last one of them.  Crissy planted an entire section of her garden with poppies and now there’s nothing left and she would have taken a picture of the devastation but she was so sad and weepy that she just ripped out the dead stems before she could get a photo.  It’s just as well because the photo would have been crummy because Crissy could barely see through her tears to take a picture.  It happened a week ago but Crissy is still bitter and maybe a little bit obsessed about it and Mister is tired of hearing her say “my poppies! That asshole!” just out of nowhere at random times throughout the day.

It’s like Frank is tapped into some sort of psychic thread into Crissy’s brain and he knows what Crissy’s favorite is and he just goes for that because the poppies are the only thing he touched.

Well, he did take a nibble of the mint but that’s probably because poppies give woodchucks The Halitosis.

Everyone knows that.

But he’s Satan’s Woodland Creature, Queefs.

And remember how Crissy’s Papa advised her to get all gangsta on Frank and shoot the motherfucker and Crissy is paraphrasing a little bit here but she thinks Papa’s exact words were “just get your shotgun out and shoot him.  That’s what I do, and then I run like heck into the house because I don’t want the policeman to catch me.”

Isn’t Papa just adorable?

And remember how Crissy was all ” I can’t shoot Frank!  That’s not humane!

Not. Any. More.

There’s gonna be bloodshed the likes of which will make the Janjaweed look like a bunch of little pussies.

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  1. But yesterday you implied you could catch a woodland creature with your teeth. I’m a bit disappointed you would have to use a gun on Frank.

    At least you have plenty of herbs and stuff with which to season Frank. I hear Woodchucks are good eatin.

  2. Oooo that Frank, he’s gonna get it now! Go Crissy!

    Also, I feel quite honored to have been mentioned on QOFE Crissy’s blog. *bows to Crissy*
    .-= Marie’s last blog post… The Sauce =-.

  3. Tess- I know I’ve said it before, but I really mean it this time.

    Rachel- I’ll let you know because I’m sure he’ll share with Alice if he does. I’ll be on the look out for strange(er) behavior.

    Daisee- Frank is too big to catch in my teeth. I have a very delicate mouth.

    k8- Papa doesn’t need beers. He’s just a violent old dude.

    LA Cochran- How about trap him and then shoot him and THEN take him to the park?

    Marie- I’m just worried that if I kill him, I won’t have anything to blog about anymore.

    Cew- NONE! Hahahahahahaha!

    Artist- Yeah! Grrrrrrrr
    .-= Crissy’s last blog post… Crissyshack: Version ‘09 =-.

  4. Frank is an obvious opiate addict. Call Intervention RIGHT NOW, and let them send him to treatment. THEN, he’ll be out of your hair, and Alice can get on with her life. Maybe she’ll meet a doctor or something?
    .-= shelly’s last blog post… MAH BABY is 16!! =-.

  5. Shoot the fucker.

    Otherwise I would start laying rat poison all over the garden…you know those “biscuts” that are blue and smell like peanut butter? Those would do some damage.

    Don’t do it if you have a dog through. That would not be good.
    .-= Dolce’s last blog post… Pop N’ Fresh 38 =-.

  6. I love those poppies. We have them here in Portland too, and every time I pass them I swoon. Of course, there’s the whole black thumb thing so I haven’t planted them. But basically, I’d shoot Frank too.
    .-= Melissa Lion’s last blog post… Grapefruit Fizz =-.

  7. First, I totally sympathize with you on the Frank issue. We live in a ghetto town home and my only happiness at being outdoors with the bass blasting and the hood fighting is my gardens. And the bastard squirrels have waged war by digging up every single freakin’ seed I planted. I even planted at NIGHT when they couldn’t possibly be awake to see me plant my seeds. And the hubster thinks this is funny, because the squirrels are sneaky little bastards. They wait a few days and watch from afar with their binoculars. They wait and make me think that they won’t come for my seeds. But they do, about a week later. And then I come out to check the garden and see holes and dug up mulch where the seeds once were. And they do it to me every single year.

    So this year, after they dug up all my beautiful seeds, I did some homework and got a book off of Amazon called Grandmother’s Critter Ridder. It’s genius, though some of it is kinda gross. But, to keep rodents away, plant mint and spearmint. To keep all other pests away, sprinkle USED (yeah, the gross part) kitty litter around the perimeter of the garden and it scares the bastards away. We tried this around a few newly planted seeds… it works!!!

    Good luck with Frank. And the weather. I hate feeling soggy.
    .-= RHz’s last blog post… Hehehe… Today’s LOLz – in Engrish =-.

  8. I have a fucking bunny that keeps eating all my flowers when they bloom too. My dad told me to go buy this spray called Invisible Fence or some shit like that. Got some at Home Depot and you know what? It works! That bunny fucker is leaving my flowers alone! It smells like piss, but the smell eventually goes away and he still ain’t touching them. Give it a try! It may work! And if not, then load your shotgun and be careful. Gun safety! 🙂
    .-= Kellie’s last blog post… Pretty Much Wordless Wednesday =-.

  9. Crissy, try a little blood meal around the perimeter of the beds that contain Frank’s favorite targets. Add more after a rain. It frightens the pests. Really. And it’s also an excellent organic source of nitrogen. Well, it has worked for me; of course, I don’t have a woodchuck problem. But it has prevented critters of uncertain species from digging up my newly planted beds and containers. If that doesn’t work, just shoot the motherfucker.

  10. Poor Crissy!
    I wouldn’t go with the rat poison, because when the neighbors’ pets start turning up dead (not to mention maybe Alice), you will not only be miserable but broke from paying vet fees and/or lawyers.
    And shooting him–though very tempting in an instant-gratification sort of way–might not go over so well with your neighbors either.
    I vote for trapping him in a Hav-a-Hart trap, then torturing him before you release him. Woodchuck waterboarding, anyone?

    P.S. This year, some critter ate all of my tulips before they bloomed. Not the daffodils, just the tulips.

  11. Most cities or counties have a department of pest control that will lend you a live capture trap. We’ve gotten them in San Diego and here in Vegas. The guy you get it from will tell you what bait to use for Frank. Keep trying, first few nights you’ll probably get neighborhood cats, but eventually Frank will be in there. Drive him FAR away – more miles the better. Then let him out. It’s usually illegal to release them, but OK to trap them (I didn’t write the laws) but just don’t tell the trap guys.
    .-= joeinvegas’s last blog post… Dance! =-.

  12. maybe he’s out making crop circles in some nearby field because of the opium. We had kangaroos do that here not so long ago. Eat The Poppies and then bounce around on a trip and make intricate patterns in the fields.
    .-= CuppyCakes’s last blog post… Slow Down. =-.

  13. I almost cried a little for you this morning. My husband had the weather channel on and they were doing a story about all the rain in the NE. Said you might get a little sun in the morning, but it would rain and be chilly the rest of the day. I was originally going to be mad at you because we’re getting nothing but rain starting tomorrow for like a week and I thought you sent it to me. But when I saw that you’re getting even more rain today and stuff, I stopped being mad and started being sad. For both of us.

  14. Since you live in New England there must be some mafia around. Contact them and have them make Frank an offer he can’t refuse. Maybe they can even put a horse head near his den. He’ll get the message.

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