Crissy is not feeling very fun today Queefies.

It’s cloudy and rainy again just like every day and Crissy cleans the house every day and comes down in the morning and somehow some naughty little house elves have fucked the place up while Crissy slept and Crissy weighed herself and she actually gained weight even though she’s been kicking her own ass every chance she gets and she’s even sitting here right now with her protein water and her not one but TWO sports bras on in preparation for another hour of effort for nothing and also Mister is sulking  because he’s mad at Crissy because she does not want to do the Sexy Time and no matter what Crissy’s intentions are throughout the day and no matter how she caffeinates herself, by the time Girlfriend is in bed and Homeslice  is finally quiet for at least part of the night, all Crissy wants is to sit quietly and for nobody to touch her or demand anything from her.

Crissy is doing her best and failing at making everyone happy and so she’s feeling all used up, Queefies.

And so she’s all Emo today.

That Mattress Slut really would come in handy about now…

Somebody get Crissy a Mattress Slut so Crissy won’t have to feel guilty for sleeping.

So guess what you guys?

Remember how Crissy wanted a new mattress that came complete with a free Mattress Slut and a new refrigerator complete with lettuce chopping Asian Bitches?

Well she got them!

Crissy and Mister spent the weekend making The Poor who work on commission very, very happy indeed.

First they went to the furniture store where The Poor work and so they were attacked by them and it looked a lot like one of those obstacle course game shows as the Crissys ducked and bobbed and weaved their way under, around, and through tacky and over-priced living room and dining room sets to the mattress department, trying to escape ravenous sales zombies who chased them desperately shouting “is there anything I can help you find?” and the Crissys had to yell at them “NO! Let go of my leg!”

And then the Crissys saw this:

It’s a Tempur-Pedic and a light was shining down upon it and angels were singing Hallelujah! and so the Crissys bought it and this is wonderful news except that it did not come with a free slut.  This makes Crissy very sad and when she asked the salesdude if it really came with a free slut just like in the picture he looked at her like she was crazy or retarded or perverted or something.

Crissy doesn’t know what his problem was because it seems like a perfectly reasonable question to Crissy and she thinks they should put one of those little notes on the picture like they do when batteries are not included but instead it would say “slut not included” or whatever.  Crissy plans to write a strongly worded letter to the mattress people because when she pays that kind of money for a mattress she expects it to come with somebody who will do naughty things to her husband whilst she sleeps in comfort and luxury.

That’s false advertising, Queefies and  IT’S AGAINST THE LAW.

And it was delivered on Saturday, sans slut, and so far it’s been pretty nice.  It just smells like foam right now and Crissy is pretty sure that’s not too good to be breathing in and it’s probably emitting some sort of transurethanefoamcancer or something and so she’ll probably get some sort of a ass tumor from it but that’s okay because she’ll have gotten it in her sleep which seems better to her somehow and speaking of asses.

When you sit on those mattresses you leave an indentation and WHY DIDN’T SOMEBODY TELL CRISSY HER ASS WAS THAT BIG? Crissy is wondering if that ass tumor is growing already because her ass cannot possibly be that big!  Granted, she just had a baby and everything but still.

For really you guys, if you sit on one of those mattresses DO NOT LOOK AT YOUR ASS PRINT.  You’ll want to kill yourself.

And then Crissy and Mister bought a refrigerator that will most likely not freeze lettuce and drip rusty water all down it’s fronts and it looks like this:

And no.  It didn’t come with any Asian Bitches BUT! it has an ice maker so that’s a pretty good compromise if you ask Crissy because she loves to hear the splinky tinkle sound of ice in her drink almost as much as she likes her lettuce chopped.

So clearly, it’s been a very big weekend and if you’ll excuse Crissy, she’s done talking to you because she’s too good for you now that she’s got all this fancy new stuff and also she’s going to go and get some ice cream and sit her fat ass on her new bed and NOT look at the imprint.

Anyone who gets that reference wins absolutely nothing.

So you guys remember these people, right?

And there’s a general rule at Crissy’s house that if it’s loud or it smells bad, it’s probably coming from our own little slice of West Virginia.  They’re always shouting, they’re always burning something, they power wash dirtbikes at 8pm every night, and they’re always fixing some old engine that backfires and scares the bejeezus out of Crissy and they’re clearly pretty annoying but the Crissy’s have come to embrace it as free entertainment because they’re not going anywhere even though they were almost foreclosed on a few months ago and Crissy cried bitter tears of sadness was glad for it because no one deserves to lose their home.  They’re nice people, really.  They bring gifts for Girlfriend and Homeslice which is so sweet of them and they’re always very kind and jovial when Crissy talks to them mostly because they’re always drunk but that’s sort of enviable if you ask Crissy.

It’s just that they should live in a barn instead of next door to Crissy.

But like she just said, she’s going to embrace it because of stuff like she saw the other day.  The woman who lives there, we’ll start calling her Maudette, was standing on the roof of her RV (don’t get Crissy started on how nice she thinks it looks in the driveway) with a beer in one hand and a ciggie hanging out of her mouth and Crissy had one hand stirring her pot of dinner and the other on the video camera because seriously?  That’s a  recipe for hilarity if Crissy ever saw one but sadly, she did not fall or do anything funnier than stumble around up there and Crissy never figured out what she was trying to do but it was still nice because Crissy got to laugh and enjoy the show whilst cooking and that is worth the pain in the ass of living next to Maudette, her husband Earl, and all their construction workerish friends.

And so now Crissy is thrilled to death because guess what you guys?

They got a trampoline.

This is gonna be soooo good.  As soon as the rain stops, Crissy is sure Maudette will get her Bud on and get out there to do some jumpin’ and when she does, Crissy will be ready.

Crissy tried to do too many things this morning like laundry, dishes, trash emptying and kitty box cleaning before she wrote for her blog and did her Biggest Loser Cardio workout and now Homeslice is demanding boobage and so Crissy is forced to go and feed Homeslice and choose only one of her two selfish activities to do before Mister goes to work and so she’s choosing her workout over writing to all her loyal Queefies about hilarious encounters with Italian Studs at the grocery store and with Crazy Bat-Shit Ladies in the bathroom at Saver’s but don’t worry.

Crissy will try again tomorrow with her superwoman routine and see if we do better.  She’s just going to have to start getting up at 4am so she can fit it all in.


No way.

But doesn’t Crissy look like an Olson Twin in this picture except instead of carrying a purse full of blow and slim fast she’s holding Homeslice?


Crissy is going to insist her picture be taken from this angle from now on because if we can do that then maybe she won’t have to do her workouts anymore and she will have more time to write to the Queefies and also she can just eat ice cream every day because that would be awesome.