Month: June 2009
You know what blessed day is coming soon Queefs?
It’s Crissy’s birthday.
She’ll be 35 on June 26th so you’d better get your asses in gear and start sending those presents right away. The QOFE is displeased by the lack of wonderful packages on her front porch as of late.
Also, she hasn’t heard of any plans for a parade through the streets of Schmuckytown and not even a whisper about the fireworks display.
AnynobodylovesCrissyanymore, Crissy is thinking very hard about her birthday and she bought a really, really cute dress that will show off her nursing boobies in a very, very spectacular way and it looks awesome on her even though she’s still got about 15lbs of baby weight to lose and she’s looking forward to wearing it and Mister doesn’t know yet but he’s taking her out for dinner to a place that doesn’t have high chairs or paper napkins or crayons and Mister will invite some friends to come too (Hi Michele and Rich! Do you think Kathleen can handle all the kids at once without wanting to kill herself? There’s only one way to find out…) and Crissy is going to have some drinks.
But the problem is that Crissy hasn’t had some drinks in about 10 months and she’s just a widdle bit ascared of what will happen.
Crissy doesn’t want to be what she and her friend Rachel call Party Asshole.
Every party has one and Crissy tries so hard not to be it but sometimes it happens like the time when Crissy wound up speeding the wrong way down a one way street in a posh neighborhood after having eaten cat food because it seemed like fun at the time and then went home and peed in Suzi’s bed (Hey bed wetting Queefs! You guys still around? Holla!) or the time Crissy got caught in an attempted breaking and entering by the police with her ass end hanging out of the window of her ex-boyfriend’s apartment because Crissy wanted to see if he had any beer in his fridge, or the time when Crissy lit a cigarette, took a drag, and passed out cold, falling over backward into the plants on her deck and winding up covered in mud with broken cigarette hanging out of her mouth or what about the time Crissy insisted on telling her friend Matt how to properly anally penetrate his extremely Catholic and prudish wife because “a good ass fucking is just what that little slut needs.”
These are the things Crissy tortures herself with when she can’t sleep at night.
Crissy has been Party Asshole a lot of times and she just hates that morning after feeling when she wakes up and tries to remember if she was Party Asshole or not and sometimes somebody else takes a turn and that makes Crissy happy and Crissy’s not going to mention any names but she has a few favorite Party Asshole incidents that just warm the cockles of her heart and just in case the Queefs are unclear about what makes a person Party Asshole here are some examples for you guys:
- Having super loud sex at 3am with someone you barely know on Crissy’s kitchen counter makes you Party Asshole.
- Screaming that you saw a snake when it was really a just a shoelace makes you Party Asshole.
- Throwing up in Crissy’s car on the highway and having it blow back into the car and hit Crissy in the face and then getting out of the car at Crissy’s house, stumbling into the woods, passing out in a patch of poison ivy and shitting yourself thereby forcing Crissy and Mister to carry your drunk ass inside and up the stairs into the bathtub makes you Party Asshole. (But the Crissys got that guy back because we went sailing the next day in the hot, hot sun with the boat just going up and down all day long.)
- Sneaking into Crissy’s house in the middle of the night, crawling into bed with Rachel, and offering to give her chocolate pudding if she’d spoon with you makes you Party Asshole.
And Party Asshole is not species specific either. Oh no, no Queefies. Pets can easily be Party Asshole like the time when a little dog named Puddles walked into the middle of a bunch of Party People and took a big shit right there or when another doggie named Rufus decided to clean the cat box at a friend’s house and brought his treasure into a very, very fancy living room to enjoy on the carpet.
Crissy is proud to say that neither of these dogs were hers.
So anydrunkenidiots, Crissy is looking forward to doing something somewhat normal for her birthday and she’s just really hoping that someone else is Party Asshole and this post could just go on and on and on and so Crissy will shut up and let the Queefs tell their favorite Party Asshole story in the space provided below.
Crissy loves this song because it’s funny, and not because it has anything to do with this post except that it’s about assholes:
Okay so today Crissy is going to try and get a little exercise because as you Queefies know, Crissy is usually teetering on the edge of depression and is always just one breath away from cutting a bitch and what she really needs to feel sane is a routine and sunshine and do you know what the weather has done?
It’s rained every damn day for two weeks.
The weather is an asshole.
Crissy finds two straight weeks of rain to be soul crushing and there’s no end in sight. It’s going to keep raining into next week.
This is not good.
And Crissy’s routine is all shaquaed and so she must try to do something before you Queefies read about the QOFE taking people out at the Job Lot or Target or Babies R Us or some shit and so today she will try to get a little exercise.
She’s going to start with this:
And it looks like it’s for pussies but her Prenatal workout totally kicked Crissy’s ass and so she’s hoping she won’t be disappointed this morning.
This could be a very good thing or a very bad thing depending on whether or not her uterus falls out on the living room floor or not because as you know, Crissy’s slave is missing and there’s no one to clean up the mess and so the Crissys will have to move or burn the house down or something if that happens.
Anyfatass, Crissy is eventually going to work her way up to being A Person Who Turbo Jams
And perhaps even A Person Who Thirty Day Shreds:
And of course she’s got her beloved Baron Baptiste who has been waiting oh so patiently for Crissy to come and make sweet, sweet love to her yoga mat pranayama with him and so there’s that too.
Here’s to a successful ass kicking to help Crissy straighten her shit out.
Holy cats Queefies! It’s Monday already.
How the hell did that happen?
Crissy is so busy with little Homeslice and Girlfriend that she barely knows what day it is anymore and poor, poor Girlfriend is getting neglected to death.
Just look at her:
Someone ought to give her a bath.
And then they should clean up all the toys in the yard and then they should cut the grass.
Not only has Crissy lost track of time and day but she’s also lost her Dirty Foreign Slave Person and she may have accidentally left her at Target yesterday or something but nothing is getting done around the house these days and it’s just so hard to know which Dirty Foreign Slave Person to purchase because they all look like they’re made for hard work until you get them home and they complain about the beatings and the dirt pudding for dinner and then they’re unwilling to chase the car when Crissy buys too many things and over packs the trunk leaving no more room for the Dirty Foreign Slave Person to ride home and it’s just wearing Crissy out trying to keep track of everything.
Maybe Crissy should consider doing the work herself?
Anylazyforeignslaveperson, life is turned pretty much on it’s ass over at the Crissy’s house. Just this very morning Crissy and Mister found themselves watching an episode of True Blood and holy shit you guys is that an awesome show or what at 4:30 am because that is the only time they have when they are both awake and Girlfriend is asleep because True Blood is not appropriate for Girlfriend to watch and also as soon as Girlfriend goes to bed at night, so do Crissy and Mister but then Homeslice wakes up every morning at 4:30 to be fed and by the time that’s done, it’s almost time for Girlfriend to get up and so Crissy and Mister don’t bother going back to sleep because why?
It’s just a horrible, horrible, cruel tease and the Crissys won’t be played like that.
The Crissys prefer to take it in the pooper on their own terms whenever they can and all this being up all night and waking up at unreasonable times in the AM make Crissy remember when Girlfriend was new and Crissy vowed to never, ever have another baby and then wine happened and now there’s Homeslice and Crissy and Mister find themselves remembering what it was that made them vow that Girlfriend would be an only child and it’s not like they don’t like Homeslice or anything but these kids are awfully inconsiderate about people’s sleeping schedules and such.
Someone should complain.
And as Mister was unpacking Crissy’s breast pump a few days ago he began singing The Sound of Silence and so that is how Crissy got the title for this post in case you Queefies were wondering what it had to do with anything.
The Crissys live in the darkness now.
Like Eric the Vampire.
Crissy will write about him very soon and how he has made Edward look like the child he is and how perhaps even Mick St. John cannot possibly even come close to the hotness that is Eric and so that is your assignment, all you vampire loving Queefs. Eric or Mick? There will be a discussion this week. At some point.
Crissy is not pregnant any more. This is the last picture taken of her in all her glory.
BUH-BYE fatso and fat jokes and all other annoying things people think it’s so clever to say to a pregnant person!
See ya never again.
^^^ Isn’t Crissy just the picture of motherhood and beauty? Of course she is!
And so, here is the birth story in bullet points because Crissy is kind and wonderful like that.
- Pitocin is both the “devil’s juice,” as one commenter called it (Crissy would go back and check to see who it was but she’s tired because SHE JUST HAD A BABY DAMNIT), and a miracle anti-pregnancy elixir. It gets the party started good and fast and hard and that’s how Crissy likes it because “if you’re gonna go, GO BIG” is Crissy’s motto.
- Same story on the Epidural. It takes the pain away, but makes it so you cannot really feel yourself move. It numbed Crissy’s under rib area and made it so she could not feel herself breathing and so her brain went into full on WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!? mode and Crissy went deaf and she couldn’t really see the nurse and the anesthesiologist and she hyperventilated and started passing out all over the place and it pretty much caused a panic attack the likes of which the world has never known until Crissy just wrote about it right here on her blog. The anesthesiologist was a sweet and gentle Queef and he sat with Crissy and held her hand and kept telling her that she was okay and that she was just scared and please, please come down off the ceiling and eventually Crissy did but she clung to her oxygen mask as if it was the only thing keeping her and Taco alive. Meanwhile, Mister was not allowed in the room and so went about the hospital taking pictures of stuff and stealing various hospital supplies. Nothing sexy though. Had Crissy known that the Epidural could do that, she’s not sure she would have chosen it over the pain.
- Crissy pushed for about 15 minutes before the doctor was called in like some sort of King or something for the main event when in reality, Mister and the wonderful and sweet Nurse Peggy who was also present for Girlfriend’s birth and actually stayed after her shift and cried when she was born, did all the work and the encouraging and then the doctor was called in and a snip snip here and a snip snip there and the head came out and then Mister said it was like the opening scene from Spaceballs where the ship just keeps coming and coming and it’s freaking hilarious only Crissy wasn’t laughing because she was so busy pushing 8lbs and 20 inches out of her twidget she forgot to laugh.
- It was hard work and being pregnant sucks ass but it was worth every bit of it because little Lucy is wonderful.
- Also, one thoughtful Queef asked her how her twidget was and Crissy will spare you the details about the stitches and everything and just say that everything that is supposed to be on the inside is now on the outside and Crissy is still walking around like a two dollar whore after a trucker convention at the Howard Johnson’s. The girl tore the ass out of Crissy and when the doctor told her she’s not to put anything in her vagina until he tells her it’s okay, Crissy just laughed and said that she’s never putting anything in her vagina ever again and he just laughed and patted her and and said “you will, my dear, you will” as if he’s heard that before or something.
So yes. Crissy’s not sure that you can yada, yada, yada a birth but she sort of just did.
She’s not sure she’s going to post very regularly over the next few weeks, actually she is sure she’s not, but she will post so don’t forget about your dear QOFE. She’s here. Right now Crissy is dealing with a very sick Girlfriend who is coughing her guts out and running a fever and Crissy is HYSTERICAL with worry that she’ll give the sickness to Lucy who certainly cannot handle it right now and so there’s that and the fact that Crissy and Mister are awake all night taking care of both Girlfriend and Lucy and so they’re pretty much in a circle of hell that even Dante didn’t have the balls to imagine.
Also, Crissy’s nipples hurt.
OH! Speaking of nipples, remember how Crissy wanted to open up a topless coffee shop like the one in Maine? The townspeople burned the mother down! Thank Jesus Crissy didn’t open that shop!
Crissy is thinking of calling Lucy Homeslice for blog purposes. Any thoughts?
Crissy meant to post this picture earlier but had to quit typing and go for some more Hungarian Nipple Torture. Better late than never, Queefies!