Crissy has the Birthday Anxiety and the only cure is PRESENTS!

Oh Queefies.

Tomorrow is Crissy’s 35th birthday and she’s all in a kerfuffle over it and it’s not that she’s going to BE IN HER MID THIRTIES HOLY SHIT that is bothering her.

She’s got a case of Birthday Anxiety because if something shitty is going to happen, it’s going to happen on Crissy’s birthday because it’s usually the day when people closest to Crissy decide to act like total assholes and treat Crissy like trash.

And so every year, Crissy’s birthday rolls around and Crissy becomes more and more anxious as the day approaches until she’s a total mess on the actual day because she’s waiting for the other shoe to drop or the cake to explode in her face or something and she tells herself that everyone is acting weird around her because they’re planning a big, wonderful surprise for her but it never happens and it turns out the people are just assholes being their assholian selves.

It’s also Dead Grandma Helen’s birthday and it makes Crissy sad that she’s not alive anymore because Crissy’s family always had a party for Crissy and Grandma Helen and now they don’t.  Note to the Queefies: Don’t be born on the same day as somebody who might die before you.

Does Crissy sound depressed to you?

Crissy thinks so.

Maybe it’s the THREE WEEKS STRAIGHT OF RAIN AND 65 DEGREE TEMPS that has Crissy all bummed out.

But don’t worry about Crissy.  There are fun plans for tomorrow night and  Crissy is looking forward to having dinner with Rich and Michele and hopefully Mister will be able to make it because of course he has to work late and maybe he won’t be there.

But it will be fun no matter what because Crissy plans to drown in copious amounts of alcohol and maybe be Party Asshole which will make Rich and Michele laugh and that will make Crissy laugh too.

Also, Crissy’s step-mom said she’d buy her this for her birthday:

Crissy got a microwave last year and a fridge this year and if this keeps up, she’ll have a whole new kitchen by the time she’s 40!


And Crissy’s mom and her mother-in-law are paying for her two pairs of glasses so that’s really nice too.

As for Mister, Crissy does not think she’s getting a present because the trip to the vet with Alice pretty much ate up all the money he had budgeted for a present and so for her birthday Mister gave Crissy the gift of not having to clean up bloody diarrhea.


But you know what?  That is a pretty sweet gift when Crissy thinks of it because it keeps on giving every time Alice goes potty outside and not on the antique grandmother dining room rug.

But if he could, Crissy would tell Mister to buy this stuff Mister would bestow the following gifts upon Crissy:

A shopping trip here and here.

And Crissy still wants that bike from last year.

And she needs to get her hair did because seriously?

Crissy is not really blond and it is becoming rather apparent that Crissy’s real hair color is more like that of a field mouse without all the glitz and glamor of actually being fieldmousian.

Shhhhhhhh! Tell nobody.

And of course on the list every damn time and nobody has gotten it for her yet is this:

Seriously people.  They’re not getting any cheaper.

Crissy would totally keep going with this because her list of needs and wants is pretty much endless as befitting the Queen of Fucking Everything but Homeslice is crying and it means only one thing.

Crissy has to go.

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  1. We have a french door frig on top with freezer drawer on the bottom. And let me tell you – whoever thought the fridge should be on the bottom is an idiot. It makes sooooo much more sense for it to be on the top. Maybe it’s cuz I’m a top kinda girl. hahaha. Happy day before your birthday!

  2. Happy Birthday. Maybe we could do some sort of Sally Strother collection system for you to get the car, complete with infomercial of you driving your current car with your hair and nails a mess. Sad. Very Sad! Who would not give to that cause??

  3. I’d like to see you with your natural hair color. I bet it looks good. And yes, my opinion is the only one that matters – I’M A READER DAMMIT.

  4. i’m torn about the hair color.

    i DO know that i like when it changes, because then i can pretend i’m fucking someone else.

    at least for a little while before the effect wears off.

  5. Happy almost birthday! I love your new fridge and am a bit jealous. But then again, you wouldn’t be queen if your subjects didn’t envy you on occasion.

    My hub turns 39 next month. He keeps walking around asking me if I like being married to a 40 year old. First of all, you’re not yet even 39 dude. Second of all, you don’t look your age. Third of all, I’m your trophy wife (I’m the second and I’m younger than him, so I call myself the trophy wife), so don’t remind me that you’re old or I’ll leave you for a younger hotter model. Duh.

  6. Happy Early Birthday, Crissy! My baby’s 20th birthday is also the 26th, and I was just a few weeks away from 35 when I had her. This’ll be you and Lucy in 20 years….she’ll just be starting out, boys, school, work…and you’ll be going on 55.

    Ok, I’m depressed now.

  7. Aw Crissy. Birthdays just mean that you’re still alive and that rocks, right? That is one killer bike. Just look at it this way – Homeslice is too small for the bike carrier anyway. You wouldn’t even get to properly enjoy the thing. SO, Mister can save up and buy it for you next year!

  8. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!! When you think of being 35, just remember that you are 8 YEARS younger than me. That should help.

    Help YOU, not me. Because I’m 8 YEARS older than you. Damn.


  9. Happy Birthday to youuuuuu! Happy Birthday tooooo yooooouuu! Happy Birthday, dear QOFE. Happy Birthday tooooo yooooooouuuuuuuuu!!

    Congrats on 35! Sexy husb, two beautiful daughters, and an amazing new fridge. You rock!

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