You know what blessed day is coming soon Queefs?
It’s Crissy’s birthday.
She’ll be 35 on June 26th so you’d better get your asses in gear and start sending those presents right away. The QOFE is displeased by the lack of wonderful packages on her front porch as of late.
Also, she hasn’t heard of any plans for a parade through the streets of Schmuckytown and not even a whisper about the fireworks display.
AnynobodylovesCrissyanymore, Crissy is thinking very hard about her birthday and she bought a really, really cute dress that will show off her nursing boobies in a very, very spectacular way and it looks awesome on her even though she’s still got about 15lbs of baby weight to lose and she’s looking forward to wearing it and Mister doesn’t know yet but he’s taking her out for dinner to a place that doesn’t have high chairs or paper napkins or crayons and Mister will invite some friends to come too (Hi Michele and Rich! Do you think Kathleen can handle all the kids at once without wanting to kill herself? There’s only one way to find out…) and Crissy is going to have some drinks.
But the problem is that Crissy hasn’t had some drinks in about 10 months and she’s just a widdle bit ascared of what will happen.
Crissy doesn’t want to be what she and her friend Rachel call Party Asshole.
Every party has one and Crissy tries so hard not to be it but sometimes it happens like the time when Crissy wound up speeding the wrong way down a one way street in a posh neighborhood after having eaten cat food because it seemed like fun at the time and then went home and peed in Suzi’s bed (Hey bed wetting Queefs! You guys still around? Holla!) or the time Crissy got caught in an attempted breaking and entering by the police with her ass end hanging out of the window of her ex-boyfriend’s apartment because Crissy wanted to see if he had any beer in his fridge, or the time when Crissy lit a cigarette, took a drag, and passed out cold, falling over backward into the plants on her deck and winding up covered in mud with broken cigarette hanging out of her mouth or what about the time Crissy insisted on telling her friend Matt how to properly anally penetrate his extremely Catholic and prudish wife because “a good ass fucking is just what that little slut needs.”
These are the things Crissy tortures herself with when she can’t sleep at night.
Crissy has been Party Asshole a lot of times and she just hates that morning after feeling when she wakes up and tries to remember if she was Party Asshole or not and sometimes somebody else takes a turn and that makes Crissy happy and Crissy’s not going to mention any names but she has a few favorite Party Asshole incidents that just warm the cockles of her heart and just in case the Queefs are unclear about what makes a person Party Asshole here are some examples for you guys:
- Having super loud sex at 3am with someone you barely know on Crissy’s kitchen counter makes you Party Asshole.
- Screaming that you saw a snake when it was really a just a shoelace makes you Party Asshole.
- Throwing up in Crissy’s car on the highway and having it blow back into the car and hit Crissy in the face and then getting out of the car at Crissy’s house, stumbling into the woods, passing out in a patch of poison ivy and shitting yourself thereby forcing Crissy and Mister to carry your drunk ass inside and up the stairs into the bathtub makes you Party Asshole. (But the Crissys got that guy back because we went sailing the next day in the hot, hot sun with the boat just going up and down all day long.)
- Sneaking into Crissy’s house in the middle of the night, crawling into bed with Rachel, and offering to give her chocolate pudding if she’d spoon with you makes you Party Asshole.
And Party Asshole is not species specific either. Oh no, no Queefies. Pets can easily be Party Asshole like the time when a little dog named Puddles walked into the middle of a bunch of Party People and took a big shit right there or when another doggie named Rufus decided to clean the cat box at a friend’s house and brought his treasure into a very, very fancy living room to enjoy on the carpet.
Crissy is proud to say that neither of these dogs were hers.
So anydrunkenidiots, Crissy is looking forward to doing something somewhat normal for her birthday and she’s just really hoping that someone else is Party Asshole and this post could just go on and on and on and so Crissy will shut up and let the Queefs tell their favorite Party Asshole story in the space provided below.
Crissy loves this song because it’s funny, and not because it has anything to do with this post except that it’s about assholes: