Everybody A-S-S-H-O-L-E

You know what blessed day is coming soon Queefs?

It’s Crissy’s birthday.

She’ll be 35 on June 26th so you’d better get your asses in gear and start sending those presents right away.  The QOFE is displeased by the lack of wonderful packages on her front porch as of late.

Also, she hasn’t heard of any plans for a parade through the streets of  Schmuckytown and not even a whisper about the fireworks display.

WTF people?

AnynobodylovesCrissyanymore, Crissy is thinking very hard about her birthday and she bought a really, really cute dress that will show off her nursing boobies in a very, very spectacular way and it looks awesome on her even though she’s still got about 15lbs of baby weight to lose and she’s looking forward to wearing it and Mister doesn’t know yet but he’s taking her out for dinner to a place that doesn’t have high chairs or paper napkins or crayons and Mister will invite some friends to come too (Hi Michele and Rich! Do you think Kathleen can handle all the kids at once without wanting to kill herself? There’s only one way to find out…) and Crissy is going to have some drinks.

But the problem is that Crissy hasn’t had some drinks in about 10 months and she’s just a widdle bit ascared of what will happen.

Crissy doesn’t want to be what she and her friend Rachel call Party Asshole.

Every party has one and Crissy tries so hard not to be it but sometimes it happens like the time when Crissy wound up speeding the wrong way down a one way street in a posh neighborhood after having eaten cat food because it seemed like fun at the time and then went home and peed in Suzi’s bed (Hey bed wetting Queefs!  You guys still around?  Holla!) or the time Crissy got caught in an attempted breaking and entering by the police with her ass end hanging out of  the window of her ex-boyfriend’s apartment because Crissy wanted to see if he had any beer in his fridge, or the time when Crissy lit a cigarette, took a drag, and passed out cold, falling over backward into the plants on her deck and winding up covered in mud  with broken cigarette hanging out of her mouth or what about the time Crissy insisted on telling her friend Matt how to properly anally penetrate his extremely Catholic and prudish wife because “a good ass fucking is just what that little slut needs.

Ahem.

Yeah.

These are the things Crissy tortures herself with when she can’t sleep at night.

Crissy has been Party Asshole a lot of times and she just hates that morning after feeling when she wakes up and tries to remember if she was Party Asshole or not and sometimes somebody else takes a turn and that makes Crissy happy and Crissy’s not going to mention any names but she has a few favorite Party Asshole incidents that just warm the cockles of her heart and just in case the Queefs are unclear about what makes a person Party Asshole here are some examples for you guys:

  • Having super loud sex at 3am with someone you barely know on Crissy’s kitchen counter makes you Party Asshole.
  • Screaming that you saw a snake when it was really a just a shoelace makes you Party Asshole.
  • Throwing up in Crissy’s car on the highway and having it blow back into the car and hit Crissy in the face and then getting out of the car at Crissy’s house, stumbling into the woods, passing out in a patch of poison ivy and shitting yourself thereby forcing Crissy and Mister to carry your drunk ass inside and up the stairs into the bathtub makes you Party Asshole. (But the Crissys got that guy back because we went sailing the next day in the hot, hot sun with the boat just going up and down all day long.)
  • Sneaking into Crissy’s house in the middle of the night, crawling into bed with Rachel, and offering to give her chocolate pudding if she’d spoon with you makes you Party Asshole.

And Party Asshole is not species specific either. Oh no, no Queefies. Pets can easily be Party Asshole like the time when a little dog named Puddles walked into the middle of a bunch of Party People and took a big shit right there or when another doggie named Rufus decided to clean the cat box at a friend’s house and brought his treasure into a very, very fancy living room to enjoy on the carpet.

Crissy is proud to say that neither of these dogs were hers.

So anydrunkenidiots, Crissy is looking forward to doing something somewhat normal for her birthday and she’s just really hoping that someone else is Party Asshole and this post could just go on and on and on and so Crissy will shut up and let the Queefs tell their favorite Party Asshole story in the space provided below.

Crissy loves this song because it’s funny, and not because it has anything to do with this post except that it’s about assholes:

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30 comments

  1. Best be careful not to create Taco Jr. whilst out and about on the birthday fun! HEHE

    So here’s my Party Asshole story. My first year of law school, we were known to drink on occasion out in bars and stuff. It was early in the year, so I didn’t know all my classmates yet. I met this guy (a classmate) who proceeded to get very drunk that night. He kept putting the moves on me, but I had a BF at the time, so I kindly said “no thanks.” He eventually dance/pushes me up against a wall and said “I’ll fuck you so good you forget all about your boyfriend.” Classy. Again, I said no (I know! With a line like that, can you believe I refused!!). Later, we all piled in the car to go home. He’s dropped off first, turns to me and asks if I’m sure I don’t want to go home with him. I said no. He then said, “Okay. Uhh, what’s your name again?” Party. Asshole.

  2. I think I’m always the party asshole, but it’s in my genes… My mom’s a party asshole too. My most incriminating party asshole story is probably when I went to a party, puked in the sink (and floor,) went into the other room and made out with the friend’s frat brother (no I did not brush my teeth first) then hooked up with said frat brother in my friends room… yea, I’m classy.
    .-= Jac´s last blog ..Upside Down =-.

  3. I’m always the same kind of party asshole. I’m the one who decides it’s time to lay down a little truth on you. Like: hey, you know, girlfriend-of-my-friend, no one around here really likes you at all. I mean, you’re probably an o.k. person, but you just don’t really fit in with us and you’re a big bitch. You could try being less of a bitch, maybe that would help. Just giving you a little advice.
    .-= Antelope´s last blog ..At this point, I’m just starting to feel sympathetic for myself =-.

  4. My Party Asshole story comes from that time when my brother-in-law went home to my sister PissDrunk, wound up throwing up all over her bedroom floor, and then again on her lounge room floor.. And… you know.. my sister is a sympathetic vomiter. I call him PartyAsshole because my sister called us at 2am all panicked because afterward he passed out cold and she was all panicky. Theres a great phone call.

    as far as I know, her tool of choice for the clean up was a shovel.
    .-= CuppyCakes´s last blog ..I Love Chocolate Postcards. =-.

  5. Hmmm…I’ve never been a Party Asshole myself (true story), but have been around quite a number of them.

    What does a girl have to do to be a Party Asshole? (If I drink too much I pass out.)
    .-= Marie´s last blog ..My Coffee Bean =-.

  6. I have been a party asshole a lot in my almost 30 years of life. To share those crazy ass adventures you would have to turn me into a party asshole again. I hope you have a great b-day if you need anyone to watch the kids let me know.

  7. One thing I would like to say–I am always up for a good spooning AND chocolate pudding…but did he have to wait until I was married before the offer?!

    Puddles craptacular performance is beyond asshole however.

    This made my day! Miss you!

  8. Yanno – I’m super stoked that she’s already out of your bellay so you can have festivities.

    I’m also a bit amused that Ken now gets to purchase three sets of separate but equally important birthday presents within a month.

    HA!
    .-= deutlich´s last blog ..Here We Go Again =-.

  9. oh god, i have been the party asshole many a time. like that time i threw up out the window of my friend’s brand new black… lexus? mercedes? and left puke tracks all down the side of the car. he was unhappy.
    .-= Alice´s last blog ..the fruits of my labor =-.

  10. I’ve never been a Party Asshole. *knock on wood*

    When I got fall-out drunk with friends once, I sat on the floor, put a black garbage bag between my legs and waited for the vomitous floodgates to open. No mess on the carpet for someone else to clean up. See! Even while drunk, I have manners. I’m a posh drunk.

    Also, I’ll only talk to the voices in my head to avoid offending others around me. 😉
    .-= Akilah Sakai´s last blog ..What’d I Miss?? =-.

  11. I have no stories about party assholes, except for the exboyfriend who got completely trashed at my parent’s annual St.Patrick’s day party and ended up vomiting from the front porch and passing out at 9pm.

    Anyguesswhatguesswhat, WE SHARE A BIRTHDAY!

    I feel even more extra special now.
    .-= Shaba´s last blog ..It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp =-.

  12. I’ve been a Party Asshole on many occasions. Perhaps the best time was at a 4th of July party, where I stole my friend’s pageant crown she had won that night, put it on and swung around a basketball pole declaring “I’m a pretty pretty princess!” before pulling the pole out of the ground and having it land on me, and her mother’s car, leaving one HUGE ass bruise on my leg and more importantly one HUGE ass dent on her mom’s car…
    .-= Jamie´s last blog ..End of the dance year means….Recital! =-.

  13. First, I have to say this is one of the best blog posts I have ever read.

    And second, my party asshole moments usually involve me removing various items of clothing and forcing people to look at my nudity. Such people may include blood relatives, coworkers, and various others who are not interested in seeing my boobs or ass live and in the flesh.

  14. I guess I became a Party Asshole when I peed on my best friend’s couch when I passed out after a long day and night of drunken debauchery. Well, at least she didn’t have to carry me to the bathroom.
    .-= Zan´s last blog ..Wanderlust =-.

  15. Hmmm party arsehole much?!
    – There is the sneaky vomit after tooo much tequila in a bar “sneaky except for the vomit breath”….regurgitate much?
    – The midnight swim at a surf beach in pitch black and loosing (briefly) a fellow swimmer, freaking out and hysterical.
    – The raunchy (or not) dancing with fellow P.A trying to act like the hot lesbians we aren’t – to drive the men wild you see?!
    – Or my friend the P.A who passed out on my knee in a bar snoring softly and would not budge, as i tried to move her she developed a vice like grip on my leg – I was anchored and had to call for more vodka from the still mobile people! 1.5 hours later I poured her into a taxi….

    Enjoy your night out, take the P.A reigns – after all you’ve had nine months(ish) off it is your turn!
    .-= Emmz´s last blog ..Small Things . . . =-.

  16. Happy Almost Burfday, QOFE!

    It must be so sweet to drink again!

    I can’t top any of your stories though I have been the party asshole many, many times. Just one example: I was at a party not too long ago where I complained loudly about the food, then had a few drinks, and then had lots of food delivered.
    .-= stoogepie´s last blog ..Great Stories of the Bible 3 =-.

  17. Oh god I have been the party asshole several times. Most recently it involved me getting kicked out of the club, no on knew where I was at. I called a friend eleventy billion times and made him leave his own party to come get me and then ended up not going with him. Apparently the first call he got came from some gay guy who found me outside with my face all busted up ( I still don’t know how it got like that) I woke up a on my friends couch with a throbbing nose. I hid for like a week.

  18. As Antelope stated above, I too am the “truth” Party Asshole. Want to know anything about anyone and my opinion of them and it I will gladly and loudly tell you when in Party Asshole state. I’ve been banned from the Hubs’s company gatherings due to this.

  19. He who shall not be named who was totally wrecked on rum-punch, tried to lock me out on the balcony of the cruise ship. Why? because I wouldnt let him have my salad dressisng for his pizza? Huh? I needed it for my salad! Funny thing is…. the door didnt lock and he proceeded to pass out right after the incident. Lol! What a tool.

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