What’s in YOUR uterus?

Hey Queefs!

Crissy is not pregnant any more.  This is the last picture taken of her in all her glory.

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BUH-BYE fatso and fat jokes and all other annoying things people think it’s so clever to say to a pregnant person!

See ya never again.

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^^^ Isn’t Crissy just the picture of motherhood and beauty?  Of course she is!

And so, here is the birth story in bullet points because Crissy is kind and wonderful like that.

  • Pitocin is both the “devil’s juice,” as one commenter called it (Crissy would go back and check to see who it was but she’s tired because SHE JUST HAD A BABY DAMNIT), and a miracle anti-pregnancy elixir. It gets the party started good and fast and hard and that’s how Crissy likes it because “if you’re gonna go, GO BIG” is Crissy’s motto.
  • Same story on the Epidural. It takes the pain away, but makes it so you cannot really feel yourself move. It numbed Crissy’s under rib area and made it so she could not feel herself breathing and so her brain went into full on WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!? mode and Crissy went deaf and she couldn’t really see the nurse and the anesthesiologist and she hyperventilated and started passing out all over the place and it pretty much caused a panic attack the likes of which the world has never known until Crissy just wrote about it right here on her blog. The anesthesiologist was a sweet and gentle Queef and he sat with Crissy and held her hand and kept telling her that she was okay and that she was just scared and please, please come down off the ceiling and eventually Crissy did but she clung to her oxygen mask as if it was the only thing keeping her and Taco alive. Meanwhile, Mister was not allowed in the room and so went about the hospital taking pictures of stuff and stealing various hospital supplies. Nothing sexy though. Had Crissy known that the Epidural could do that, she’s not sure she would have chosen it over the pain.
  • Crissy pushed for about 15 minutes before the doctor was called in like some sort of King or something for the main event when in reality, Mister and the wonderful and sweet Nurse Peggy who was also present for Girlfriend’s birth and actually stayed after her shift and cried when she was born, did all the work and the encouraging and then the doctor was called in and a snip snip here and a snip snip there and the head came out and then Mister said it was like the opening scene from Spaceballs where the ship just keeps coming and coming and it’s freaking hilarious only Crissy wasn’t laughing because she was so busy pushing 8lbs and 20 inches out of her twidget she forgot to laugh.
  • It was hard work and being pregnant sucks ass but it was worth every bit of it because little Lucy is wonderful.
  • Also, one thoughtful Queef asked her how her twidget was and Crissy will spare you the details about the stitches and everything and just say that everything that is supposed to be on the inside is now on the outside and Crissy is still walking around like a two dollar whore after a trucker convention at the Howard Johnson’s.  The girl tore the ass out of Crissy and when the doctor told her she’s not to put anything in her vagina until he tells her it’s okay, Crissy just laughed and said that she’s never putting anything in her vagina ever again and he just laughed and patted her and and said “you will, my dear, you will” as if he’s heard that before or something.

So yes.  Crissy’s not sure that you can yada, yada, yada a birth but she sort of just did.

She’s not sure she’s going to post very regularly over the next few weeks, actually she is sure she’s not, but she will post so don’t forget about your dear QOFE.  She’s here.  Right now Crissy is dealing with a very sick Girlfriend who is coughing her guts out and running a fever and Crissy is HYSTERICAL with worry that she’ll give the sickness to Lucy who certainly cannot handle it right now and so there’s that and the fact that Crissy and Mister are awake all night taking care of both Girlfriend and Lucy and so they’re pretty much in a circle of hell that even Dante didn’t have the balls to imagine.

Also, Crissy’s nipples hurt.

OH!  Speaking of nipples, remember how Crissy wanted to open up a topless coffee shop like the one in Maine? The townspeople burned the mother down! Thank Jesus Crissy didn’t open that shop!

Crissy is thinking of calling Lucy Homeslice for blog purposes.  Any thoughts?

***EDIT***

Crissy meant to post this picture earlier but had to quit typing and go for some more Hungarian Nipple Torture.  Better late than never, Queefies!

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46 comments

  1. I’m so very sorry about the state of your twidget. Usually when someone is sick or in pain I say something like “I’ll pray for you…” but is it wrong to offer to pray for someone else’s twidget? I just don’t know.
    p.s. I still have that picture of the Kate Spade model that looks so much like you that I actually gasped in the eye doctor’s office when I saw it…where can I email it to you?

    Cal’s last blog post: Unrequited love

  2. I hear the price of vaginal rejuvenation is really coming down. Just saying. I hope you’re coming in with Homeslice today, I can’t wait to meet her. Can I have her until she’s 4? I’ll give her back.

  3. Seriously, Crissy, I was thinking that Lucy should be Homeslice. I think Girlfriend and Homeslice is super groovy!

    And you totally rock for blogging so soon after you folded the twidget inside out! Don’t worry, we Queefs won’t forget about you!

    Wishing you blissful slumber soon. And hope Girlfriend feels better soon, too!

    MsDarkstar’s last blog post: No Excuses

  4. Good thing I was not born a woman otherwise I don’t know how I would have handle the twidget changes… not exactly during childbirth though…

    Homeslice, cute name. And she’s simply adorable.!!!! Looking forward to more pics of her too and again, congratulations Crissy.

    *PorkStar’s last blog post: Sodomizing friend’s blog.

  5. I LOVE Homeslice!

    I’m also super duper stoked that she’s finally here! But YEESH – 8 pounds?!

    My brother was that big… I swear.. it’s something about 2nd children.

    And I obviously am a medical genius for making this assertion based on two people born into the world.

    deutlich’s last blog post: Pride

  6. Homeslice makes her sound like a pizza, but I love it anyway. You can call her Homie, for short.

    That last photo? Good blackmail fodder when she’s 15 and asks if you can get her on the pill!! You always think ahead.

  7. Ms. Crissy, all I have is an immense amount of respect for you (and all pregnant women) because OMFG that all just sounded painful.

    I hope you can walk properly soon and that Girlfriend feels better!

    Homeslice sounds awesome.

    Marie’s last blog post: Pay-Per-Pee

  8. My vagina hurts, just thinking about it. I love Lucy. And I don’t care what you call her, just keep showing more pictures of her and Girlfriend.

  9. I might’ve just crossed my legs a little tighter… mother of pearl, why do we do this childbirth thing? haven’t they created a kid-o-pill yet? Just add water?
    I also melted a little at the last photo.. I guess that’s why we do that childbirth thing. She is absolutley gorgeous. And so are you in those photos! All lovely 🙂

    CuppyCakes’s last blog post: I Can’t Think Of A Clever Title!

  10. Congrats again QOFE on a successful birth and a healthy baby girl!!

    I didn’t know twidgets could fold inside out and stuff, so I’m a bit scared. I hope your twidget migrates back to where it’s supposed to soon.

    Also, this part is for my SIL Cassidy – Don’t you just laugh when people talk about “big” babies?? For those of you who don’t know, her first was 10 pounds 15 ounces. Yup, my side of the family is blessed with large babies (my mom’s smallest was over 8 pounds and she had 5 of us) and of course, we shared that fun-ness with our SIL!!

  11. I’m so impressed that you are even able to find the time to post. I didn’t want to do anything after my little one was born. And I so agree with Daisee579, ha ha big babies…mine was 10 lbs 5 oz, 22 inches long. But to Crissy…Homeslice was lots bigger than Girlfriend so she is big to you. Love ya, Crissy!

  12. Everything inside is outside? Oh. Pain. But Mr will probably agree with the doctor about putting things in it.
    Taco looks marvelous. We’ll still say Taco here, even if you use a different name.
    Too bad Mr didn’t take a nekid picture of you that last week, in the same pose as the once upon a time one, that would be rather amusing. (or maybe he did)

    JoeInVegas’s last blog post: random Video Monday

  13. I came back to make your other Queefs jealous. I just held Homeslice, who BTW is the cutest baby in the world. OMG!! Love her!

  14. When people talk about stitches and girl parts as if EVERYONE who pisses out a baby gets them … well, it’s that shit that continues to be my birth control. No, seriously.

    And seriously again, I couldn’t be happier for you. For as tough as you try to sound on this here blog, when you say stuff like, “It was hard work and being pregnant sucks ass but it was worth every bit of it because little Lucy is wonderful” … well, you are so human and beautiful and make me now wanna cry. At work. In front of my boss. Thanks a lot. =)

    SoMi’s Nilsa’s last blog post: Walk

  15. Precious, precious baby…I’m so happy for you, QOFE. *Bows* Homeslice is an excellent nickname, but I really think you should keep “Taco”. She will love to hear you and Mister call her that when her first boyfriend comes to pick her up for their first date. Priceless.

    Babies are stronger than we think…you may catch what Girfriend has before Lucy does. I will send one up for you all; I know you must be exhausted.

    Zan’s last blog post: TMI Thursday, Part Deux: Dear Gag Reflex, I hate you. Sincerely, Zan

  16. I think she should remain Taco. We are all so used to referring to her as such.

    Besides, Homeslice? She’d need to wear a do-rag and all that….

    I like Taco. Or since Lucy is a ‘she’ Taquito…..

    BTW….I’m glad all is well, and you are un-pregnant.

  17. OH FOR FRICKEN CUTE CRISSY! Lucy is a DOLL! I love little girls with four letter L names! Look out though, they have mischief a-cooking!

    AND you totally just reminded me of when my #2 was born, because #1 still went to daycare (BECAUSE I WAS TIRED!) and somehow got the chicken pox.

    And yes he was vaccinated. So whatever. I always knew I hated that vaccine. Makes no sense.

    So anyway, scared to death that my two week old baby would get that crap. Doctors just kept shooing me away (quacks) and telling me they don’t get sick, that they have all of your immunities for like six months.

    I guess the dumb quacks were right, she didn’t get it.

    Still freaked me out.

    ANY-Long-ramblings, I will say prayers or chants or something equally as useless that you get some sleep.

    Kelly’s last blog post: Having Fun!

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  19. Ouch! My uterus hurts just reading this!

    Hey, am I wrong or does Homeslice look remarkably like me? Especially the ears on the hat. Seriously, by “like me” I meant “awesome.”

    Anyways, may your Pimp get by on blowjobs for a while and leave your twidget and nips alone.

    stoogepie’s last blog post: Waterboarding Camp

  20. Crissy
    Hearing that your twidget really turns inside out made me wonder why I bothered to get all knocked up and stuff in the first place. Now I have another 6 months to worry about my twidget.

    In other news, I don’t think it’s possible for Lucy to get ANY cuter and PUHLEASE post more pics (after girlfriend gets better) of the 2 sisters – it might be cute enough to make me forget about my twidget.

    I like homeslice, but I also like Taquito to keep our memory of Taco stories alive

  21. Lucy is beautiful! I’ve been in Switzerland without the internets the past week and had to check in as soon as I got back to see if Taco had come, or if you were committing any murders yet. You done good, girl!

  22. I’m due two weeks from today. I was always planning on natural childbirth, but you just confirmed that there is no way in fucking hell I’m having an epidural.

    I’m already high strung and on the ceiling. If that happened to me, they would have to knock me out in order for little guy to come out.

    Whew…just a little scared.

  23. Oh…and Homeslice is gorgeous!!! Congratulations. I absolutely love the photographs taken at the hosiptal. Mister is damn good with a camera. I’ll be stealing some of your ideas.

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