Crissy is not pregnant any more. This is the last picture taken of her in all her glory.
BUH-BYE fatso and fat jokes and all other annoying things people think it’s so clever to say to a pregnant person!
See ya never again.
^^^ Isn’t Crissy just the picture of motherhood and beauty? Of course she is!
And so, here is the birth story in bullet points because Crissy is kind and wonderful like that.
- Pitocin is both the “devil’s juice,” as one commenter called it (Crissy would go back and check to see who it was but she’s tired because SHE JUST HAD A BABY DAMNIT), and a miracle anti-pregnancy elixir. It gets the party started good and fast and hard and that’s how Crissy likes it because “if you’re gonna go, GO BIG” is Crissy’s motto.
- Same story on the Epidural. It takes the pain away, but makes it so you cannot really feel yourself move. It numbed Crissy’s under rib area and made it so she could not feel herself breathing and so her brain went into full on WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!? mode and Crissy went deaf and she couldn’t really see the nurse and the anesthesiologist and she hyperventilated and started passing out all over the place and it pretty much caused a panic attack the likes of which the world has never known until Crissy just wrote about it right here on her blog. The anesthesiologist was a sweet and gentle Queef and he sat with Crissy and held her hand and kept telling her that she was okay and that she was just scared and please, please come down off the ceiling and eventually Crissy did but she clung to her oxygen mask as if it was the only thing keeping her and Taco alive. Meanwhile, Mister was not allowed in the room and so went about the hospital taking pictures of stuff and stealing various hospital supplies. Nothing sexy though. Had Crissy known that the Epidural could do that, she’s not sure she would have chosen it over the pain.
- Crissy pushed for about 15 minutes before the doctor was called in like some sort of King or something for the main event when in reality, Mister and the wonderful and sweet Nurse Peggy who was also present for Girlfriend’s birth and actually stayed after her shift and cried when she was born, did all the work and the encouraging and then the doctor was called in and a snip snip here and a snip snip there and the head came out and then Mister said it was like the opening scene from Spaceballs where the ship just keeps coming and coming and it’s freaking hilarious only Crissy wasn’t laughing because she was so busy pushing 8lbs and 20 inches out of her twidget she forgot to laugh.
- It was hard work and being pregnant sucks ass but it was worth every bit of it because little Lucy is wonderful.
- Also, one thoughtful Queef asked her how her twidget was and Crissy will spare you the details about the stitches and everything and just say that everything that is supposed to be on the inside is now on the outside and Crissy is still walking around like a two dollar whore after a trucker convention at the Howard Johnson’s. The girl tore the ass out of Crissy and when the doctor told her she’s not to put anything in her vagina until he tells her it’s okay, Crissy just laughed and said that she’s never putting anything in her vagina ever again and he just laughed and patted her and and said “you will, my dear, you will” as if he’s heard that before or something.
So yes. Crissy’s not sure that you can yada, yada, yada a birth but she sort of just did.
She’s not sure she’s going to post very regularly over the next few weeks, actually she is sure she’s not, but she will post so don’t forget about your dear QOFE. She’s here. Right now Crissy is dealing with a very sick Girlfriend who is coughing her guts out and running a fever and Crissy is HYSTERICAL with worry that she’ll give the sickness to Lucy who certainly cannot handle it right now and so there’s that and the fact that Crissy and Mister are awake all night taking care of both Girlfriend and Lucy and so they’re pretty much in a circle of hell that even Dante didn’t have the balls to imagine.
Also, Crissy’s nipples hurt.
OH! Speaking of nipples, remember how Crissy wanted to open up a topless coffee shop like the one in Maine? The townspeople burned the mother down! Thank Jesus Crissy didn’t open that shop!
Crissy is thinking of calling Lucy Homeslice for blog purposes. Any thoughts?
Crissy meant to post this picture earlier but had to quit typing and go for some more Hungarian Nipple Torture. Better late than never, Queefies!