A blind lady, a pokey cane, a pregnant chick, a cute little girl, and a blown out Leonardo Di Caprio walk into Target

So while there was no dropping of expensive local eggs or Tacos over the weekend, there was an embarrassing incident at Target that Crissy would like to share with the Queefies because she knows how you love to hear a good story about other people’s humiliation.

Crissy sure does!

Hahahahahahahaaha!!!

Anyfreakshow, there Crissy was, visiting with her mom and her brother who has just moved home from Florida, when they all decide that a good old fashioned Brady Bunch style trip to Target would be nice seeing as everyone needed something from there.  So they went and the carriages were all wet.

THIS IS VERY BAD

because it means that Girlfriend cannot ride in the carriage and is left to run amok through Target and when Crissy says “amok” she doesn’t mean that Girlfriend trashes the store.  She means that Girlfriend is

ssssssslllllloooooowwwwwwwww

and she has to look at everything and of course she wants and she wants just like her mother does and so it takes fifteen hours where it should take only twenty minutes and who is Crissy kidding?  It takes an hour at least to get through Target because Crissy loves those orange stickers even if she’s only saving twenty cents it’s still twenty cents she didn’t have to spend on toilet cleaner and that makes her heart so happy you guys and so she has to look at everything.

And the problem with Girlfriend is also that she’s four years old and she doesn’t listen worth a shit and so you can say a hundred billion times “come on, honey.  Let’s keep going” and she’s still got an ass full of molasses.  The frustration is only compounded by the fact that Crissy’s with her mother and brother who don’t want to drag around the store waiting for Girlfriend, but Girlfriend insists they stay with her.

But picture this for Crissy.

Crissy’s mom is blind and so she walks with a cane that she has named “Pokey Cane.”

RIGHT?

“Pokey.”

And she talks about her cane like it’s a person because why the fuck not?  They’re always together. But the point is that people stare at Crissy’s mom like she’s the only blind lady ever.  Either it’s the cane or it’s Crissy’s mom’s super nice rack.

Maybe it’s both.

And then there’s Crissy who looks like this right now or yesterday at the carousel and petting zoo or whatever:

_MG_6993-50

And so people stare at her wherever she goes.  Remember how Crissy said Mister was taking her and Girlfriend out for dinner on Friday night?  Well on the way out of the place, people were actually putting their forks down and staring at Crissy because her belly is totally freaky and she’s sure it violates multiple laws of physics or architecture or something and when Crissy goes shopping she’s sure she’s being tailed by security because it really looks like Crissy is smuggling motorcycle helmets or disco balls or some shit like that in her shirt.

And then we have Crissy’s brother who looks like Leonardo Di Caprio plus about 50lbs and a shaved head and so he’s pretty and he’s bald and he’s very big.

Also, he insists on wearing Aqua Socks all. the. time.

And then there’s Girlfriend with her blond ringlets and her spooky 35 year old’s vocabulary.

You can picture this, right?

You’d stare too.

And everything was okay until Crissy realized that she dropped Girlfriend’s rain coat that she had shrugged off her shoulders and discarded like Queen Elizabeth herself would have as soon as she walked through the door and so Uncle Billy, unaware of Girlfriend’s rules about walking away from her without her permission offered to go find it and took off into the store!

This set Girlfriend off into the biggest diva hissy of all time. Not only were people staring, but store personnel stopped working the registers and started gathering around Crissy who was eying Pokey Cane and considering beating Girlfriend to death with it because seriously?

There is no need for that bullshit.

Everyone knows that diva hissy fits are for the QOFE and nobody else, not even the POFE.

It was humiliating you guys and now Crissy will be forced to drive approximately twenty one minutes from her house and cross state lines to go to a different Target and you know how Crissy feels about leaving the twenty minute radius of her house, right?

This is not good.

So yes.  Friday pretty much sucked ass.

Crissy goes to the Taco doctor again today to talk about being induced and maybe she will get a little shot of something to get the party started today.  Crissy will keep you informed but if Taco doesn’t come today don’t worry.  Crissy is going to write a post about PORN tomorrow.  It’s gonna be good you guys.

Hold on.

Crissy will be right back.

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26 comments

  1. I love how GF looks a little stunned at your belly–it’s perfectly ROUND!

    Good Luck today! I thought of your dilating cervix–I mean YOU–all weekend!

  2. I went to Target this weekend and saw nothing even close to that exciting. I did, however, see a model wearing Kate Spade sunglasses on a poster who looked eerily like you. I took a picture. How can I send it to you?

    Cal’s last blog post: Recycle! Reuse!

  3. I of course can’t see your picture until I get home, but I am putting in a request for Mom, pokey, Blown out Leo, GF, and you all together please. I’m sure Pimp cane work it out.

    Good luck at the Taco doctor. I hope Taco is ready for his/her big debut!!

  4. shrugged off her shoulders and discarded like Queen Elizabeth herself would have

    In my next life, I want to be GF. I already have the salty vocab, I just need the attitude, the fashion sense, and really cool bedroom.

    Dingo’s last blog post: Never Been to Spain

  5. That picture looks like Girlfriend is gettin’ ready for you to drop Taco ANY SECOND. And for Crissy’s sanity and peace of mind, I hope that Taco decides to come SOONER rather than later!

    What do we want? DILATION! When do we want it? NOW! (Chant with me Internetz!!)

    MsDarkstar’s last blog post: Reworked Sunday

  6. Now, that I have two kid I am very afraid to enter Target Because, going in with one makes me crazy. Kenzie sounds a lot like Char so I’m amazed taco didn’t fall out with the stressful shopping trip.

    Also make sure if they don’t induce you today to have your last meal at Stanleys get Mister to get it for you.

  7. With episodes like the eggs breaking at Stop & Shop and the biggest diva hissy of all times at Target, I think Taco may need some reassuring to leave the safe and warm alcove of your uterus. Taco, come on out and join us,the whole world is crazy and not just your family.

  8. Jeebus, lady. Do you have twins in there? (That’s what I’d be thinking as I was staring)

    Also, oh my god, HOW IN THE FUCK DID SHE STAY SO THIN! (I’d also be thinking that — again because I’m not over the 200lb pregnant Melissalion situation.)

    Melissa Lion’s last blog post: Bathing Beauty

  9. It does look like you are stealing a basketball.
    But I thought it was CP’s job to give you that little shot to start things going, like the one he gave you to start things going.

    JoeInVegas’s last blog post: Memorial Day

  10. Has the Taco even dropped yet, you look like your still carrying pretty high?

    If so don’t let them talk you into breaking your water just because they start the pitocin. Unless the whole cesarean-zipper-everybody-the-fuck-out-now! option is starting to look REALLY appealing.

  11. I would be lying if I commented something related to the end of the post, because I actually reached half of it.. Your picture…I know that being pregnant must make u feel whatever it is that u feel…but your legs? Look awesome…all of you, like…you really look like a fine lady with a baby 🙂

    Thrice’s last blog post:

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