First order of bizness this morning is where to get Crissy’s boobie dress because she got lots of emails and a few comments requesting Royal Shopping Guidance so you should all go here for the boobie dress.
Crissy bought one in brown, too.
Crissy loves Kohl’s and it is where she went to get all her post baby clothes because it’s cute and stylish and doesn’t cost a millionty dollars. Crissy does not plan on being fat forever, you know. It’s just that people keep giving her cake. Please stop that Queefies.
And Crissy keeps eating the cake that people give her because of this bullshit:
This week is the nicest weather we’ve had all month. Since Homeslice came into the world it has rained every. single. day. and been cloudy and crappy and cold and it makes Crissy’s mom laugh every time Crissy tells her the weather is “soul crushing” but that is how Crissy feels. And the rain makes Crissy so sad that Mister has banned the watching of the weather at Crissy’s house because he’s tired of all the bitching and the crying and the throwing of things that are heavy at the television.
You think Crissy is kidding you.
Crissy lives for summertime and fluffy skirts and dresses and not sweatpants and sweaters and she cannot possibly stuff her ass into her jeans yet and she wasn’t meant to live in New England but she does and she can’t really leave and so summertime is the only time when Crissy feels right as rain or, well, not rain. Um, something else entirely.
And so Crissy eats the cake.
And she drinks the wine.
And she mashes up the Klonopins and sprinkles them on her pasta.
Doesn’t the weather know Crissy is trying not to get all postpartum-y and shit? Doesn’t it care about Crissy’s feelings?
Can we sue the weather?
The only thing that Crissy will admit is good about all the rain is that her garden is super excited:
You’re looking at some happy ass chives, some fucking dill, cilantro, basil, lettuce, carrots, zucchini, and summer squash. There’s also some watermelon, strawberries, tomatoes, cucumbers, and a couple of pumpkins that Crissy did not plant but came up on their own after Crissy tossed her Halloween pumpkin in there back in November. It may or may not kill the tomatoes and then move on to eat Crissy’s house.
If you know Crissy at all, and you should because Crissy tells the Queefs everything, then you know that her garden makes her very happy and she loves nothing more than to walk outside and get dinner out of the yard. Sometimes she even catches a woodland creature in her teeth and cooks that up with a little of that basil or maybe some cilantro if she’s feeling like Mexican and not just plain old basily woodland creature. You have to mix things up to keep it interesting, Queefs.
Anyyummysquirrels, Crissy is going to go and hide her knives and try to find a fire arms buy back program because if this rain keeps up she’s likely to do that whole blaze of glory thing at the Wal-Mart. It’s best to take preventative measures, don’t you think?