The Royal Weather Suckseth Royally.

Hey Queefies!

First order of bizness this morning is where to get Crissy’s boobie dress because she got lots of emails and a few comments requesting Royal Shopping Guidance so you should all go here for the boobie dress.

Crissy bought one in brown, too.

Crissy loves Kohl’s and it is where she went to get all her post baby clothes because it’s cute and stylish and doesn’t cost a millionty dollars.  Crissy does not plan on being fat forever, you know.  It’s just that people keep giving her cake.  Please stop that Queefies.

And Crissy keeps eating the cake that people give her because of this bullshit:

This week is the nicest weather we’ve had all month.  Since Homeslice came into the world it has rained every. single. day. and been cloudy and crappy and cold and it makes Crissy’s mom laugh every time Crissy tells her the weather is “soul crushing” but that is how Crissy feels.  And the rain makes Crissy so sad that Mister has banned the watching of the weather at Crissy’s house because he’s tired of all the bitching and the crying and the throwing of things that are heavy at the television.

You think Crissy is kidding you.

Crissy lives for summertime and fluffy skirts and dresses and not sweatpants and sweaters and she cannot possibly stuff her ass into her jeans yet and she wasn’t meant to live in New England but she does and she can’t really leave and so summertime is the only time when Crissy feels right as rain or, well, not rain. Um, something else entirely.

And so Crissy eats the cake.

And she drinks the wine.

And she mashes up the Klonopins and sprinkles them on her pasta.

Doesn’t the weather know Crissy is trying not to get all postpartum-y and shit?  Doesn’t it care about Crissy’s feelings?

Can we sue the weather?

Anyone know?

Sigh.

The only thing that Crissy will admit is good about all the rain is that her garden is super excited:

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You’re looking at some happy ass chives, some fucking dill, cilantro, basil, lettuce, carrots, zucchini, and summer squash.  There’s also some watermelon, strawberries, tomatoes, cucumbers, and a couple of pumpkins that Crissy did not plant but came up on their own after Crissy tossed her Halloween pumpkin in there back in November.  It may or may not kill the tomatoes and then move on to eat Crissy’s house.

If you know Crissy at all, and you should because Crissy tells the Queefs everything, then you know that her garden makes her very happy and she loves nothing more than to walk outside and get dinner out of the yard.  Sometimes she even catches a woodland creature in her teeth and cooks that up with a little of that basil or maybe some cilantro if she’s feeling like Mexican and not just plain old basily woodland creature.  You have to mix things up to keep it interesting, Queefs.

Anyyummysquirrels, Crissy is going to go and hide her knives and try to find a fire arms buy back program because if this rain keeps up she’s likely to do that whole blaze of glory thing at the Wal-Mart.  It’s best to take preventative measures, don’t you think?

The Royal Bosom and also some cake

When your birthday falls on a Friday you can declare it your Birthday Weekend and nobody can say shit to you until Monday.

It’s true, Queefs.

You can start saying shit to Crissy now.

It is no longer her birthday.

Boo.

Crissy and Mister and Michele and Richard went out on Friday night to this establishment with cloth napkins and NO KID’S MENU.  It was also Michele and Rich’s wedding anniversary but whatever because this post is about Crissy’s birthday and not those guys and she just wishes they’d stop making her birthday all about them but clearly Crissy’s birthday is a day when magical things happen like people getting married and queens being born and stuff.

And Crissy had the Salmon Oscar which was very nice and the other people all had something too but Crissy doesn’t remember what because LOOK!

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A MARTINI!!!

Crissy hasn’t had one of those bad boys in like, well, forever and so it was pretty glorious.  There was also wine involved if you must know and Crissy was a little bit nervous about all the alcohols but it turns out that she was not Party Asshole.  In fact, nobody was Party Asshole and that makes Crissy a little bit sad because that leaves her with very little to report to the Queefs who she knows have been waiting all weekend to find out about how the royal festivities went and so Crissy will just show the Queefs a picture of The Royal Bosom instead and hope that is exciting enough:

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Crissy does not know why Mister chose to make the picture black and white because it looks stupid like that do you hear Crissy Mister? but she told you Queefs that her birthday dress would show off her boobies in a very spectacular way and it totally did.

Everyone was commenting and by everyone Crissy means everyone.

Even Crissy’s mother-in-law wanted to fluff them and maybe even do a little motorboating.

True story.

And then on Saturday Crissy’s mom made her a lovely breakfast and a nice cake:

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And it was so delicious that Crissy ate half of it that very day and then some for breakfast yesterday and some more for lunch.

Crissy does not know why her baby weight isn’t just falling off of her.

Crissy has the Birthday Anxiety and the only cure is PRESENTS!

Oh Queefies.

Tomorrow is Crissy’s 35th birthday and she’s all in a kerfuffle over it and it’s not that she’s going to BE IN HER MID THIRTIES HOLY SHIT that is bothering her.

She’s got a case of Birthday Anxiety because if something shitty is going to happen, it’s going to happen on Crissy’s birthday because it’s usually the day when people closest to Crissy decide to act like total assholes and treat Crissy like trash.

And so every year, Crissy’s birthday rolls around and Crissy becomes more and more anxious as the day approaches until she’s a total mess on the actual day because she’s waiting for the other shoe to drop or the cake to explode in her face or something and she tells herself that everyone is acting weird around her because they’re planning a big, wonderful surprise for her but it never happens and it turns out the people are just assholes being their assholian selves.

It’s also Dead Grandma Helen’s birthday and it makes Crissy sad that she’s not alive anymore because Crissy’s family always had a party for Crissy and Grandma Helen and now they don’t.  Note to the Queefies: Don’t be born on the same day as somebody who might die before you.

Does Crissy sound depressed to you?

Crissy thinks so.

Maybe it’s the THREE WEEKS STRAIGHT OF RAIN AND 65 DEGREE TEMPS that has Crissy all bummed out.

But don’t worry about Crissy.  There are fun plans for tomorrow night and  Crissy is looking forward to having dinner with Rich and Michele and hopefully Mister will be able to make it because of course he has to work late and maybe he won’t be there.

But it will be fun no matter what because Crissy plans to drown in copious amounts of alcohol and maybe be Party Asshole which will make Rich and Michele laugh and that will make Crissy laugh too.

Also, Crissy’s step-mom said she’d buy her this for her birthday:

Crissy got a microwave last year and a fridge this year and if this keeps up, she’ll have a whole new kitchen by the time she’s 40!

YES!!!!

And Crissy’s mom and her mother-in-law are paying for her two pairs of glasses so that’s really nice too.

As for Mister, Crissy does not think she’s getting a present because the trip to the vet with Alice pretty much ate up all the money he had budgeted for a present and so for her birthday Mister gave Crissy the gift of not having to clean up bloody diarrhea.

Awesome.

But you know what?  That is a pretty sweet gift when Crissy thinks of it because it keeps on giving every time Alice goes potty outside and not on the antique grandmother dining room rug.

But if he could, Crissy would tell Mister to buy this stuff Mister would bestow the following gifts upon Crissy:

A shopping trip here and here.

And Crissy still wants that bike from last year.

And she needs to get her hair did because seriously?

Crissy is not really blond and it is becoming rather apparent that Crissy’s real hair color is more like that of a field mouse without all the glitz and glamor of actually being fieldmousian.

Shhhhhhhh! Tell nobody.

And of course on the list every damn time and nobody has gotten it for her yet is this:

Seriously people.  They’re not getting any cheaper.

Crissy would totally keep going with this because her list of needs and wants is pretty much endless as befitting the Queen of Fucking Everything but Homeslice is crying and it means only one thing.

Crissy has to go.

You Gotta Fight For Your Right to Paaaaaaaarrrrty!

So this post was supposed to go up yesterday but the bloody diarrhea just had to be discussed but the good news is that the nice doggie doctor said Alice will live to eat another diaper and that the blood is just from the strain of her poopy stomach and so a little ass-raping to the tune of $88 and Alice and Crissy were on their way home with some pills and a song in their hearts or something.

So that’s that.

And Crissy has some exciting news!

She left the house with Mister and they did not bring the little childrens!

Do you know where they went Queefies?

To the movies?

To a strip club for a couple of lap dances and a blow job?

To a fancy dinner to eat fancy steak and drink fancy drinks and say inappropriate things to the waitress?

Nay, nay peoples.

They went to the Eye Doctor.

The Crissys know how to fucking party so try not to want to stab yourself with scissors ’cause you’re so jealous of Crissy’s life but do you guys remember how Crissy feels about going to the dentist?

You do?

Well she feels even less enthusiastic about the eye doctor because of the whole face touching thing and the whole eye numbing thing.  You Queefs can understand that can’t you?  How freaky is it to have your eyes numbed and your pupils dilated?

It’s wicked freaky you guys.

Wicked.

Crissy has had enough things dilated as of late to last her a lifetime but she needed new glasses and so did Mister and so they went and the woman who owns the eye place is going to put Crissy and Mister’s picture up on her website because the glasses they picked out are totally going to raise their awesomeness quotient to like, unheard of levels.

Check it:

glasses

Crissy and Mister’s pupils are dilated in this picture and so they look like aliens or like they’re epically stoned but whatever because they’re famous now because they’re on a website.

Wait. This is a website isn’t it?

Huh.

AnyalreadyfamousCrissy, even though she will have the most awesome glasses ever, Crissy is totally bummed out because as it turns out she needs eye surgery.

WT Fucking F?

See this little tiny bump on her eyelid?

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Turns out that’s not so good and she has to have it operated on and they’re probably going to go ahead and remove her eye and so the best Crissy can hope for at this point is that they give her a sassy little pirate eye patch to wear or something.

AND…

AND!!!!

She has some broken blood vessels way in the back of her eye and the doctor says it could be from pushing Homeslice out, but it could also mean the beginnings of some scary shit for Crissy because remember how she said her mom is blind?

Yeah.

So Crissy will have to wait eight weeks for a re-check of the eye situation but in the meantime she will be alternately praying that it goes away and thinking of an awesome name for her cane because she can’t let her mom have the only cane with a cool name.

bloody diarrhea asshole

Do you guys think that tile is graphic enough?

Crissy isn’t sure but you have to check this bullshit the fuck out.

It’s 4 am at Crissy’s house and Crissy has been up all night and not even with Homeslice. It was Alice who was clinging to Crissy’s leg and hyper-panting all night only to get up while Crissy was feeding Homeslice to follow Mister downstairs to go outside when she had explosive bloody diarrhea all down the stairs and it was loud you guys and there was a lot of it and when it was all over Crissy was just like “dooooood” and Mister was all “This is so fucking retarded” and then he went to get the paper towels.

And Crissy was just glad it wasn’t on her 1,000 thread count sheets or her favorite duvet from Ikea because her motto is “don’t sleep in a bed full of shit” (sorry bed shitting Queefs, but shitting the bed is just icky) and so that is the good news but the bad news is that Mister had to clean it up all by himself because Crissy was feeding Homeslice but don’t worry. Crissy paid for her comment she made to Mister about being “real sorry (she) couldn’t help clean up the mess, but somebody’s got to feed the hungry baby or she might just starve to death” because at that instant Homeslice barfed all down Crissy’s chestal area.

And Mister actually had the nerve to laugh at Crissy and he went “ha,ha” just like that at her.

What a dick.

And so that is what happened at Crissy’s house at 4 this morning and before any of you Queefs go getting jealous that your life isn’t as fun and glamorous as Crissy’s and that your house doesn’t smell like Satan’s colon just know that at this moment Alice is on Crissy’s bed licking her bloody diarrhea asshole and Crissy is waiting for the Vet’s office to open so she can report to them about Alice’s poopy stomach and Crissy’s asshole already hurts because you know this means Alice needs expensive tests and procedures which Crissy cannot afford because her maternity leave is not paid and if Crissy has to go back to work after only 3 weeks because the motherfucking dog had a dietary indiscretion and ate a fucking diaper or diaper shit or a diaper wipe or some fucking thing and now needs expensive surgery to remove it Crissy is going to be pissed.

Like, epic kind of pissed.