Great news Queefies! Crissy is officially on Maternity Leave from Schmuckytown Pubic for the whole summer!
No more walking through the door all dejected and sad because Taco has not come yet only to endure a day full of “Are you STILL here?” and then the inevitable barrage of fat jokes that just keep getting funnier every time Crissy hears them. It got to the point where Crissy just walked in and said “no. I haven’t had the baby yet,” and “yes! I’m fucking FAT!” and “no. I don’t know what the sex is yet. I didn’t know yesterday, and I still don’t know today and so NO I DON’T HAVE A NAME PICKED OUT” just to save people the trouble.
And nobody wanted to talk to Crissy about normal stuff. They only cared about Crissy’s uterus contents as if Crissy is not a person. It’s been nearly 10 months of this Queefies.
Crissy has had e-nough.
But they bought her a chocolate cake as a good luck present.
That was nice.
In other news, Crissy goes to the Taco Doctor again today.
She’s tired of the Taco Doctor because she has to bring pee with her. In her purse. Every time.
How badly would it suck if the pee spilled in her purse and so needless to say, Crissy brings the little pee pee cup in three, count them, three ziplock baggies.
It was really fun the time Crissy was going to the doctor after doing the groceries and Girlfriend unpacked her purse looking for gum and pulled out the pee.
Thank JESUS Vinny wasn’t working that day.
And besides what good is going to the doctor if every time she does, he tells her the same thing.
Taco is never, never, not ever coming out.
Crissy is going to be miserable forever.
The only good news about that is that she’s going to sit around and eat cake all summer because why the hell not?
And then after the Taco Doctor Crissy will go to the grocery store because she really, really knows how to fucking party but she’s a little worried about her miserable and uncomfortable state because of what happened last time with the Tourette’s and the eggs and all.
Everything was fine until she got out to the parking lot with her thirty million dollars worth of groceries and while she was loading the trunk, the bag containing the Lil’ Rhody Large Fresh Organic Eggs that cost like nine dollars a dozen flipped out of the grocery cart and smashed all over the god damned parking lot and you know what Crissy said?
“YOU COCK MOTHERFUCKER!”
Very, very loudly.
And all of the other grocery shopping citizens of Schmuckytown heard her.
Shit, Crissy is pretty sure the Astronauts heard her.
Talk about clutching pearls and gasping in horror at bad parenting because of course, Girlfriend was in the grocery cart at the time.
And Crissy wonders where she gets her language from…
Anymotherfuckingsmashedupeggs, Crissy is unsure how her mental status will be by the end of today and so Mister has offered to take her and Girlfriend out to dinner tonight because Crissy needs something to look forward to that does not involve crying at the doctor’s office or having another Tourette’s Incident at The Stop & Shop.
Happy weekend everyone!
- Crissy is Cake’s Bitch (AGAIN!)
- Either you eat the frosting or you don’t, but I can’t be your friend anymore.
- This Ain’t From Tiffany’s!!!
- What Could Possibly Go Wrong?
- Puff, Puff, Give. Puff, Puff, Give.