Just don’t drop the motherfucking eggs again

Great news Queefies!  Crissy is officially on Maternity Leave from Schmuckytown Pubic for the whole summer!


No more walking through the door all dejected and sad because Taco has not come yet only to endure a day full of “Are you STILL here?” and then the inevitable barrage of fat jokes that just keep getting funnier every time Crissy hears them.  It got to the point where Crissy just walked in and said “no.  I haven’t had the baby yet,” and “yes!  I’m fucking FAT!” and “no.  I don’t know what the sex is yet.  I didn’t know yesterday, and I still don’t know today and so NO I DON’T HAVE A NAME PICKED OUT”  just to save people the trouble.

And nobody wanted to talk to Crissy about normal stuff.  They only cared about Crissy’s uterus contents as if Crissy is not a person.  It’s been nearly 10 months of this Queefies.

Crissy has had e-nough.

But they bought her a chocolate cake as a good luck present.

That was nice.

In other news, Crissy goes to the Taco Doctor again today.

She’s tired of the Taco Doctor because she has to bring pee with her.  In her purse.  Every time.

How badly would it suck if the pee spilled in her purse and so needless to say, Crissy brings the little pee pee cup in three, count them, three ziplock baggies.

It was really fun the time Crissy was going to the doctor after doing the groceries and Girlfriend unpacked her purse looking for gum and pulled out the pee.

Thank JESUS Vinny wasn’t working that day.

And besides what good is going to the doctor if every time she does, he tells her the same thing.

Taco is never, never, not ever coming out.

Crissy is going to be miserable forever.

The only good news about that is that she’s going to sit around and eat cake all summer because why the hell not?

And then after the Taco Doctor Crissy will go to the grocery store because she really, really knows how to fucking party but she’s a little worried about her miserable and uncomfortable state because of what happened last time with the Tourette’s and the eggs and all.

Everything was fine until she got out to the parking lot with her thirty million dollars worth of groceries and while she was loading the trunk, the bag containing the Lil’ Rhody Large Fresh Organic Eggs that cost like nine dollars a dozen flipped out of the grocery cart and smashed all over the god damned parking lot and you know what Crissy said?


Very, very loudly.

And all of the other grocery shopping citizens of Schmuckytown heard her.

Shit, Crissy is pretty sure the Astronauts heard her.

Talk about clutching pearls and gasping in horror at bad parenting because of course, Girlfriend was in the grocery cart at the time.

And Crissy wonders where she gets her language from…

Anymotherfuckingsmashedupeggs, Crissy is unsure how her mental status will be by the end of today and so Mister has offered to take her and Girlfriend out to dinner tonight because Crissy needs something to look forward to that does not involve crying at the doctor’s office or having another Tourette’s Incident at The Stop & Shop.

Happy weekend everyone!

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  1. You know, the other day, I heard someone cursing here in Podunk, MS. I should have realized it was you echoing all the way from RI.

    I empathize with you and wish I could help you feel better. I won’t list all the old-wives’ tales about how to get Taco out because I’m sure you’ve heard them all. The ever-wise tee-vee show Friends said to have sexy time, and since that was on tee-vee, then it must be the very best way to make Taco come out.

  2. Ok, it’s now 8:45 a.m., you have exactly 15 hours and 15 minutes to get Taco out or I lose the baby pool. I don’t care how you do it, but get crackin’. P.S. Donna says hi.

  3. Oh, so that WAS you yelling. You know, I heard it and I thought it *might* be, but then I realized that I was in New York and thought, nah, range like that, it would have been Girlfriend. Glad you clarified.

    Also, to Taco (I’m going to go waaaaay old SNL on you right now):

    Taco! Burrito! What’s coming out of your Speedo?!

    Consider that your invitation, nay, your encouragement, to just go ahead and be born, okay?

    stealthnerd’s last blog post: False fire alarm da–wait a minute

  4. I’m pretty sure that most definitely the people in Schmuckytown start by saying, “Bless her heart…” whenever they talk about Crissy. Cuz, ya know, you kinda deserve it. =)

  5. Happy Maternity Leave!

    Taco’s smart and knew to wait till your leave so you wouldn’t squirt amniotic fluid all over the library books. People won’t borrow sticky books. Any minute now …

    As for the astronomical cursage episode, the word cock wasn’t so bad – it’s the other name for a chicken anyway. It’s the MF part I can’t help you with. 😉

    Akilah Sakai’s last blog post: Navel Necessity

  6. Bring in your own pee you say. I am the department director of an inner-city Ob/Gyn Clinic and we don’t make our patients bring in their pee. But you would be amazed at what else they bring with them (think gross, then multiply it by a factor of 10). I think some of the mom of the year candidates from yesterday’s post are from my office.

  7. Maybe dropping the eggs has some crazy metaphorical power over your uterus – those cracked eggs = your water breaking.

    It’s Friday – which is a lot like being stoned for me, sorry.

    Narm’s last blog post: The Girl Next Door

  8. Wait, what? Bring your pee with you? Is Schmuckytown really that old school? Heck, even here Just South of Nowhere they have ya pee in a cup @ the docs office. Maybe it’s cuz we have the big newfangled medical clinic here that we are so up on modern convenience.

    Hope Taco decides to come EARLY in your maternity leave. Like, oh, NOW! Or how about…..NOW??

    MsDarkstar’s last blog post: TMI Thursday – Stage Fright

  9. Does he make you bring in your own pee because pregnant women who are 10 months along can’t squat over the hole in the outhouse? That’s absurd.

    Oh, and Tourette’s is simply an undocumented symptom of pregnancy. I’ve got to have that added to the medical journal, STAT!

    Zan’s last blog post: I’m Weak

  10. About the pee cup: The Doctor wants the first pee in the morning because it’s the most concentrated and will reveal more than diluted pee.

    I cannot believe I’m talking about this.

    If Taco does not head for the border this weekend, the good Taco Doctor is giving me some pitocin to get things moving on Monday.

    It won’t be long now Queefies…

    Crissy’s last blog post: Just don’t drop the motherfucking eggs again

  11. Maybe your pee doc is confused and expects you to bring Taco in in the cup one morning? And then he can charge your HMO for the delivery? Does this make any sense? I thought so.

  12. Here’s hoping Taco has made his/her appearance and that is why you don’t have a new post up this morning.

    And if s/he hasn’t, I think I will scream a “You cock motherfucker” in your honour today at work.

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