Stuff that makes even Crissy clutch her pearls and gasp in horror.

Last night at dinnertime Mister told Crissy he wanted her to check out this website called whythefuckdoyouhaveakid and let Crissy tell you that it raised her parenting self- esteem just a wee little bit because holy shit you guys.

At least Crissy isn’t like these fucking people.

Crissy sometimes feels like a failure as a mother because Girlfriend can and has used words like Motherfucker and stupid asshole perfectly in a sentence and that makes Crissy both proud and horrified at the same time.  And Girlfriend learned how to spell b-a-n-a-n-a-s from Gwen Stephani because that’s her shit and sometimes she doesn’t get a bath in the morning but Crissy has never done any of the stuff she’s about to show you.

She waits for Girlfriend to go to bed because that’s what a Good Mother does.

Apparently.

But Crissy doesn’t know.

This is pretty sexy with the baby and crib and baby swing in the background and everything.  From what Crissy knows about menfolk, they really like to know that a girl is fertile when they’re looking at a picture of her goodies.

Crissy particularly likes how she’s paying attention to detail by showing off her cesarean scar as proof of said fertility as if there was any doubt as to whether that kid in the background is hers or not.

Destiny’s Child: The Untold Story

CLASSY.

Hmmm…looks like somebody vewy, vewy, naugh-tee has been going around blowing loads in all the BBWs.

I am Sheenah, Queen of the Finger Painted on Thong and I am looking for my Babydaddy(s).  When I find him, I shall beat him with these sticks.

Crissy is soooo jealous that she and Mister didn’t go and have a half nekkid glamor shot done with Mister’s hand on Crissy’s ass.

Sigh.

Maybe next time…

Awww…look at the proud mommies! They looks so happy!

Crissy didn’t know that Olan Mills even offered a Pregnancy Pact package!  If you buy two additional sheets of wallets, you get a Free Diaper Bag and a coupon for 10% off paternity testing!

Freakin’ Sweet!

So yeah.

Horrifying stuff.

And it is not lost on Crissy that whilst she and Mister were looking at this website, Girlfriend was not at the table eating her whole grain pasta fortified with calcium and fiber with olive oil and organic Parmesan cheese on it, nor was she drinking her organic skim milk.

She was in the bathroom off the kitchen painting Alice’s back with blue Spongebob toothpaste.

What?

Alice likes to be fruity fresh.

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33 comments

  1. I saw that half-nekkid pregnant glamour shot on a site yesterday that said it was a yearbook photo. So like, they got knocked up in high school and some photographer agreed to shoot this picture?? Makes my senior portraits look totally lame. I mean, I had on all my clothes!

    With all of these pictures, I just have so many questions. One day, if I meet ANY of these people, I’m just going to buy them a lot of drinks and start the interrogation.

  2. Pimp- You have no reason not to be first every day…

    Aznman- I know what you guys are doing at work all day today.

    Daisee- Had I known that I could have had my senior portrait done with no shirt on and my boyfreind’s hand on my ass, that’s what I would have gone for too. Shit.

    Marie- They make me look like the best mom on earth.

    Matt- Are you volunteering to be the next babydaddy?

    K8- Absolutely nothing.

    Rachel M.- It totally makes me feel like an awesome mom!

    Deutlich- That must be a shadow. NOBODY is THAT skanky! Right?

    the problem child- Well, if you’re a problem child yourself, then no. Maybe you shouldn’t have kids.

    crissy’s last blog post: Stuff that makes even Crissy clutch her pearls and gasp in horror.

  3. I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to put NSFW warnings all over posts like this. Because, I almost got in trooooouble with some of those pictures. So not right. Getting in trouble. And those pictures! hahaha.

  4. Somehow I don’t think this is what Al Gore had in mind when he invented the internet. But I sure am glad that these sites exist, if not for laughs then for a shot of self assurance.

  5. There was one on the site of two girls getting ready to go out and the baby crawling in the sink.

    I think I lived that.

    Used to live with a “teenage mom,” her kids now 12 and he’s probably more mature than she is. Worst part is that she’d always ask us to nominate her for “best single mom” in radio contests and stuff. SO YEAH…

    Just Kelly’s last blog post: Kelly’s Mom Of The Year Yo!

  6. Damn I feel so good about myself after seeing all that shit. I am so normal it’s sad. Great sites Mister. Crissy I think Mister deserves a reward for bringing us such entertainment.

  7. And we wonder why society is like it is. It did make me feel better about myself, but sad for those kids.

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