Crissy is Cake’s Bitch (AGAIN!)

So you guys remember how Crissy tries to make cakes for people’s birthdays and they come out looking pretty nice but then when she cuts into them she needs a chain saw?

You do?

Well it happened again with the strawberry with cream cheese frosting cake she tried to bake for Girlfriend’s birthday. Crissy followed everyone’s suggestions for what may have gone wrong with both the boxed version and the made from scratch version of Mister’s Easter Birthday Lemon Buttercream Culinary Abortion and she even had Mister help her, thinking that maybe Crissy’s cake mojo really is all shaquaed and maybe his is better but nothing doing Queefs.

It came out of the oven looking great and Crissy thought her cake problems were over but then she turned around for a second and when she looked back at the cake it was flat.

Totally.

Flat.

And Crissy looked at the cake and she looked back at the picture in the magazine and it looked nothing like it except that they were both pink.

What

the

fuck?

Are any of you Queefs A Person Who Is Good At Cake?  Could it be that Crissy should bake the cake on the regular Bake setting and not do the Convection thingy?  Maybe the Convection thingy is too fast for cake?

Crissy has no idea but she refuses to give up on this.  In Crissyland it is totally unacceptable that she cannot put a list of crap together, mix it around, heat it up, and have something edible come out.

DO YOU HEAR CRISSY, CAKE?

YOU WILL NOT WIN.

You will be Crissy’s bitch one day.

Mark Crissy’s words or read her lips or her blog or whatever.

Sigh.

Anyshittystupidflatpinkcake,  it was too late to make a new one and Crissy had already spent eleventy hundred thousand dollars on the ingredients for the thing and so she set to frosting and decorating because sometimes it’s all in the presentation:

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That’s right Queefs.  Those are iridescent sugar sparkles and candy stars and glitter icing.

And Crissy was rather pleased with the way it looked and she’s also excited that she doesn’t look pregnant in this picture and will just carry a cake around with her for the rest of her life because she saw the Taco Doctor yesterday and according to him Taco is never, never, never coming out and this makes Crissy suicidal:

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But the little kids seemed to like the cake and Girlfriend was sweet not to mention that it was dense as a motherfucker. She was just excited that it was pink and purple and had My Little Pony on it.

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Also, there’s a great shot of Auntie Cya’s left boob which is enough to make anyone forget their culinary foibles.

So other than the cake being a big disappointment, the whole party was really very nice and nobody in Crissy’s family pulled any real drama and so Crissy is very happy that Girlfriend had a wonderful birthday and a very nice Memorial Day weekend.

What did you Queefies do?

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31 comments

  1. That cake looks bad ass!! But yeah, convection ovens can be pretty tricky. I say if regular baking works, then just go with that. I didn’t even attempt to cook this weekend, but I did make an entire pair of pants (!) and an earring-tree out of wire and an aluminum rock. So my weekend was basically the most productive weekend I’ve had, ever.

    Lost Artist’s last blog post: Plans my babies, I got big plans.

  2. When I bought my oven I was told to never, ever bake things like cakes, cookies, or brownies using the convection setting. FYI. And you look great FYI #2.

  3. Hey–Sorry, I’m not a cake person either.

    I made 2 failures of cupcakes….one semi-failure (that I served anyway) and one so-so cupcake.

    I apparently don’t have what it takes, either to produce lovely, edible cupcakes.

    So you are on your own, sista………I can cook, but to hell with baking.

  4. from what i’ve found online, convection can decrease the rise of the cake, because it tends to cook from all directions at once. that makes a bit of a crust on the outside edges and top which ends up restraining the rise that’s still occurring in the middle…

    next time, no convection fan, and we’ll see how it turns out. i guess your birthday is next, eh?? 😀

  5. Lost Artist- Wow! That sounds pretty cool!

    Ms.Bliss- Why thank you. It looked better than it tasted, fer sure.

    Tess- Oh! Really? No shit. I didn’t buy my oven. It came with the house so nobody told me. IT’S NOT ME!!! YEA!!!

    Shelly- Baking seems so simple and then…no.

    Pimp- I’M NOT DEFECTIVE!!!! My dad’s birthday is next. And I’d spell his name wrong on the cake but it’s hard to fuck up DAD or BOB. Dammit to hell!

    George- I don’t know how you managed it, George.

    Deutlich- Pink and purple cake with sparkles and ponies does it for ya, huh?

  6. My sister is a cake-superstar and she still fucks it up on a pretty regular basis. She likes to blame her children for distracting her. (I would totally still eat that cake though…)

    My weekend was pretty average. My house almost blew up, I did some cleaning… the usual.

  7. You look great and glitter sprinkles make EVERYTHING taste good!

    We painted our ENTIRE condo–went out for samples, came back with paint galore and I am typing with a pen attached to my mouth (xcan you hear me click-click-click on the keys?)because I am so tired and sore. But at least the house looks good! And it is always better to be looking good than feeling good…

    🙂

  8. It doesn’t seem as if anyone thinks the cake is a disappointment. Well, except for that little girl behind Girlfriend gazing out the window. I would have totally stolen that cake from her while she wasn’t looking.

    Dingo’s last blog post: Best Idea Ever!

  9. You need to check out the cakewrecks blog (I think it won one of the best blog categories last year).

    They have unspeakable (and hilarious) wrecks posted during the week (and these are all done by supposedly professional bakers!), but on Sundays they post absolutely gorgeous amazing incredible examples of phenomenal professional cakes. Did I mention how superlative the Sunday Sweets section is?!

  10. Kelly- Next time I’ll sprinkle a little loathing in just to balance things out.

    k8- Don’t forget the pink and the purple and the pony!

    Cuppycakes- She screws it up too? I always try to blame my kid for my fuck ups. That’s why I have one.

    Matt- You can handle it. You learn to embrace it.

    Rach- I swear those glitter sprinkles DO make everything taste better. How does the place look after all the painting? And WHY?

    Marie- Happy Birthday! It was a great weekend to be born! Somebody should have told Taco.

    Dingo- That’s Alena. She was looking for more cake.

    Lonnie- I love that blog. I guess I shouldn’t look to it for inspiration though, huh?

  11. Shit! Is that what it is? My convection feature? You learn something new every day. I’ll be baking with the oven feature next time.

    Your cake is nice, Crissy! Glitter frosting? Sweet!

    My memorial weekend? Rain, boring, sucky about sums it up.

    Akilah Sakai’s last blog post: Eat Your Calories, Dear

  12. You are such a styling mamma! Looking great in the photos. And I’m guessing the cake was much better than you’re giving it credit for. So long as Girlfriend had a great birthday celebration, that’s what matters most, no?!

    SoMi’s Nilsa’s last blog post: Memorialized

  13. The cake looks beautiful, Crissy.

    As my household’s resident baker, I would advise you to not use the convection when baking a cake. You should have a better result.

    What matters is that Girlfriend seemed to enjoy the cake and had a good party. One year I attempted a Pokemon cake for The Girl that looked so awful I wanted to cry. The Girl didn’t care how it looked because it was made by Mom with love.

    I can now resume my “dilation” mojo aimed in your direction!
    C’mon Taco! Momma has stuff to do!

    MsDarkstar’s last blog post: Nice Try, Very Big Bank

  14. Mackenzie, wants you to make her a pony cake. She also said she liked it bigger then the world after I showed her the pic.

  15. I’d say ditch the convection setting.

    AND… a helpful little tip from a mommy who makes seven birthday cakes for kids per year? Use a Duncan Hines cake mix and a 12-ounce can of pop. Nothing else. Mix it up, put it in the pan, and it turns out perfect. I don’t know why, but it does. Any kind of pop.

    Also? Use a stand mixer to mix your batter… you know how it makes the bowl go around and around? Turn the bowl the OPPOSITE way. It forces more air into the batter and makes your cake fluffier and taller. My mom owned a bakery. I know these things.

    Good luck!

    The Gonzo Mama’s last blog post: That’s My Boy! (Got the Tattoo to Prove It)

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