The Conduit for Crazy

 So the weirdest thing happened on Saturday night.

Mister was spending the night in Boston and so Crissy and Girlfriend had a little girl party consisting of watching Ella Enchanted and eating copious amounts of ice cream in mommy’s big bed and falling asleep around 8:30-ish.

And we didn’t bother brushing our teeth because we’re real bad ass like that.

It was rather glorious. Crissy knows you’re jealous and that’s okay.

And there Crissy was, fast asleep, when she heard music.

It was Civil War type marching music.

So she got out of her bed and looked and there was a group of about 10 children marching down the street playing Civil War era instruments at like 9:30 at night.

It was totally bizarre, and they marched all the way down the street and around the corner and you know what Queefs? They weren’t half bad but what the fucking fuck?

Were they practicing for Schmuckytown’s big Memorial Day Parade, perhaps?

And then Crissy could hear a man with a megaphone counting as the children got farther away.

Crissy would have thought it was a dream but the freaks in the idiot colony were all out in their driveways staring at the display as well and they were clearly as shocked as Crissy but the big difference is that Crissy wasn’t slack jawed and drooling on herself.

Okay, well maybe just a little bit, but she just woke up from a sugar coma.

Cut her a break.

It was weirder almost than the time Crissy saw a HOOKER walk right down her street! Crissy even took pictures because seriously?  Crissy’s street is HER territory and she doesn’t want any two dollar ho’s thinking they can just come up and start doing buisness where they don’t belong.

And how about looking outside and seeing two deer just toodling down the street like it ain’t no big thang?

See those two tiny brown things against the fence in between the two houses?  That’s them and they’re all  just like, “Sup? You got any grass, yo?” because of course they walked to Crissy’s house from the ghetto.

deer

How about the time when Crissy saw the owner of that tenement house dragging a dead Christmas tree down the street in the middle of a snowstorm?

And then there was the time when one of the dickmo tenants went out to shovel in his underpants and combat boots:

guy-shoveling-snow-in-shorts.jpg

Crissy swears that house is a haven for wayward retards and random varieties of asshole.

Remember how the Crissy’s almost didn’t buy their house because of that tenement?  Yeah.  Doubt means DON’T Queefs.

Doubt means don’t.

And what about when she saw the midget dressed as a biker, a kid in a motorized wheelchair, and a Rastafarian in tie dye playing a guitar and singing Dock of the Bay walk past her house together last summer, but that was when Crissy was drinking and taking The Pills and so she just thought it was the wine and Klonopins that made her see things but now she’s not so sure.

Crissy is beginning to think that her street is some sort of conduit to Crazytown, if not Crazytown itself, and Crissy is wicked sorry this post is a little uninspired this morning but she’s feeling really worn out today and so since she knows that crazy lives everywhere what she’s going to do is ask the Queefs

What was the most bizarre thing you’ve ever seen going down the street?

It will be interesting to see if the city Queefs or the not city Queefs come up with the most crazy.

Go!

And make it good, too.

The Queen wishes to be entertained today.



Similar Posts:

46 comments

  1. It wasn’t going down my street (live on a dead end), but Friday I saw an Amish midget at the market in town. It is nothing to see the horse and buggy at Walmart, but the midget was a first.

  2. I have one for you, Crissy my dear! We live across the street from a mental hospital/halfway house (we’re not exactly sure, we just know the crazies sit outside to smoke and make noise). One day hubby (who is mostly normal) was walking home from the store on the corner and passed by one of the crazies who was outside having a smoke. He was singing to himself. “Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!” Pirate voice and everything.

    We also have neighbors of the Hispanic variety who like to start their cars and leave the doors open with the mariachi music blasting and stand in the driveway and scream at each other before slamming car doors and speeding off with tires squealing.

    I could keep going, but I’ll leave room for other commenters. 😀

  3. Many years ago, when the people who were ‘junkin’ came by our house, they took our old windows. They broke out the glass in at least one of the windows…….and shook it into our YARD.

    Now, I’m a big girl, but these ole’ boys had me beat. They had huge bellies that hung out over their pants and from under their dirty t-shirts.

    I yelled at them through my window, that they’d better pick up EVERY SINGLE shard of glass, because if my husband or kid was injured while mowing, that I would be REALLY MAD.

    They did a half assed job of getting the glass, and Mr. Perfectly had to go finish their clean up job.

    Oh, and the time a sort of crazy woman tried to ‘return’ a love seat she bought from me at a garage sale because her son didn’t want it after all?

    Or the time the Mennonites wanted to try clothing on at one of my garage sales….IN MY HOUSE?

    yeah……good times.

  4. My son and I swear we saw a leprechaun jump out of the O’Neill’s Discount Carpet & Flooring Van one time. It was a leprechaun or a very very small person.

    Lynne’s last blog post: TMI

  5. I was walking home once and I saw a dude coming out of a house, completely naked, walked right across the street and into another house. Completely carefree.

    Across the street from where I lived years ago, on a Saturday night a girl went behind the bushes to poop. She took her sweet ass time while her boyfriend kept watch.

    Yay for binoculars.

    *PorkStar’s last blog post: Sleep and midlife crisis.

  6. We lived in rural Utah for a few years, in a place where the buses don’t run, and one day we had two long-horn steer and a buffalo trot down our road. Then our chihuahua tore off after them, chasing them down to the end of the street, which just made it all the more interesting.

  7. My street is so trashy, it’s weird all by itself. The dude across the streets wife left him. He then met a girl down the street 15 years his junior, who had been renting a room from her aunt. She began sleeping at his house and walking home in the morning to get ready for work.

    Then they had a baby. Then he divorced the wife. Then they got married… AND had their wedding (or weddin’) reception in their FRONT yard.

    Did I mention that they have a bar in their garage?

    Just Kelly’s last blog post: I’ve Been Queened!

  8. I live close to a metro station so you can imagine all the crazies I see.

    Or maybe some would consider all the crazy around metro station normal.

    I got nothin.

    Marie’s last blog post: Sink or Swim

  9. Val- Now that IS something you don’t see everyday!

    Kiki- I totally want to hang out with the pirate! He’s awesome.

    Shelly- Oh. Yard sale people. Ooof. Don’t even get me started. They’re the craziest assholes around!

    k8- I KNOW! AND you know what else? We’re supposed to be doing hard core sexy time to make Taco come and he was away one night and then last night he was too tired and hung over to perform. I’m looking for volunteers at this point because he’s no help at all.

    Ben- I would have paid huge, huge money to see that!

    Lynne- Maybe they just dress like that to go and do estimates.

    Pork- Are you sure that wasn’t MY house you were watching?

    justBecky- Rural Utah? oof.

    justKelly- A bar in the garage you say? Hmmm…

    Marie- I imagine you don’t even notice the crazy anymore.

  10. I don’t see too much crazy in my small town now (other than the occasional bull that runs the streets and parking lots! – WTF why has this happened more than ONCE?). When I lived in Memphis, I used to see hookers all the time (many were my clients from when I was a public defender – so that’s how I knew what they were). I also lived next door to a convicted drug dealer who loved crazy women. I used to hear and see all kinds of nonsense there. Including the night that one baby mama came to get her kid (at like 3am??!!) and kept screaming throught the door at baby daddy “I don’t give a fuck” over and over at the top of her lungs. THen she drove off his driveway into our yard tires screeching. Left a nice rut too.

    My sister now lives in that house and apparently semi-witnessed some sort of gun play between two of the other neighbors. Sad part is that it’s not a bad neighborhood to live in – we just apparently have the house next to the couple of crazies there.

  11. A woman wearing a thong and inline skates cruising the waterfront in Portland, Oregon. Google it. I dare you. Construction workers apparently ratted her out.

    Rachael’s last blog post: New World

  12. I grew up in a really small town, and the craziest thing I remember was the summer after my sister’s first year of college, she and her friends came home and walked down main street dressed like witches and warlocks. They literally stopped traffic.

    The craziest city thing I saw was when we visited San Francisco and came out of the hotel into the 65 degree February day and saw a prostitute wearing a bikini and a fur coat, and she screamed “God DAMN it’s freezing out here!” at us.

    Antelope’s last blog post: Jesus Cured My Hangover

  13. In my younger days, before becoming a heathen, my wife and I were walking to church. Maybe fifteen yards ahead of us was an older woman of sixtyish or so (today I wouldn’t call that old). All of sudden we see these white billowing panties slide down her legs. Without missing a step she slipped on foot out, then the other, bent down picked them up and put them into her purse continuing into church a la commando. Still the funniest think I ever saw.

  14. Well, shit lady. You have me beat. I’ve lived in some serious slums in major metropolitan areas and I’ve never seen anything like this.

    How about in Malibu, there’s a woman who has been surgically enhanced to look like Barbie and every single day she jogs, knees up knees up KNEES UP up and down PCH in a bikini. PCH is a major HIGHWAY up and down the California coast. Speed limit: 55.

    Melissa Lion’s last blog post: All Shall Love me and Despair, Redux

  15. Oh, and in San Francisco, Steve and I would go to the dog park in Golden Gate park to watch the dogs because they’re funny and there was a dude with one leg, and a dog with three legs, and I said to Steve, “wouldn’t it be funny if they were a couple?” And Steve said, “oh please.”

    AND I WAS RIGHT.

    Okay, that wasn’t too funny, but whatever.

    Melissa Lion’s last blog post: All Shall Love me and Despair, Redux

  16. When I worked nights in Boston’s Combat Zone, I and my co-workers would take our breaks on our rooftop as the bars were closing. We witnessed lots of crazy, but the weirdest of all was a low key mugging where a drunken mugee was gently brought down and removed of his wallet. The muggers repaired across the street to evaluate the contents, removed the cash, then brought the lightened wallet back to the victim.

    Then there was the aborted trannie BJ, but that’s a story for another time.

  17. When I was a kid, they closed the street one time and they had this dude face down in the middle of the street pointing guns at him.

    then two weeks later at like, 3am that same dude knocked on our doors and windows asking us to call the police because his friends shot himself.

    fun times.

    Matt’s last blog post: reflection after a year

  18. Daisee- Oh! We have a babymama! She’s like 17 and loves to argue with her boyfriend on her cell while pacing up and down the street. She’s always good for some drama.

    Rachael- Sounds like something I would do because I’m that desperate for attention.

    Antelope- Well I agree. 65 is not bikini weather.

    pmac- Well what else was she supposed to do in that situation?

    Melissa- And how fast was SHE going?

    george- No. THAT IS A STORY FOR RIGHT NOW! How dare you leave us hanging like that? Tell it! Tell it now!\

    Dingo- Yeah. You live in a boring place.

  19. Let’s see… How bout my neighbor who was sitting on an upside down bucket hacking away at her weeds with a HUGE butcher knife. All while wearing a SARS mask.

    Hubby took pictures with the zoom lens.

    Twila’s last blog post: It’s Vegas, Bitch!

  20. A convertible with an 8 ft inflatable penis drove around my town one afternoon. That was pretty strange. I’d hate to have to explain that to my kids.

    Narm’s last blog post: Running

  21. Broad daylight in NYC as I headed to the bus stop, I passed this lady who lived in my complex. She had her shirt down around her waist, fully exposing her boobies.

    Because they were VERY saggy, she was able to flap both up and down with her hands. I had to walk right pass her and if she wanted to, she could have slapped me with one.

    Akilah Sakai’s last blog post: Pooch Beauty

  22. We used to live on a dirt road in the middle of nowhere and not many things passed by on our road but TWICE we had escaped convicts running/ hiding out on our property and the police were out there with bloodhounds.

    Prosy’s last blog post: Weekend Update

  23. For disturbing, I will offer up what I saw on the highway this morning…there was a good city block long stretch of highway that was COVERED in blood. I don’t know if someone had a deer or two strapped to the vehicle that fell off or if an animal hauling truck lost part of it’s load or if someone had friends in the back of their pickup who fell out or what, but it was not something I wanted to see first thing in the morning.

    For weird… I’d say driving down a local road in “suburbia” and having a couple pigs napping in the road (who were NOT inclined to move) or the day that on Summit Avenue (think richie richie hoity toity neighborhood) there was a large muskrat ambling down the sidewalk. Just strolling along, takin’ his time.

    And someone else’s story reminded me of the day, about 20 years ago, when my boyfriend and I got out of the car to go into a shop and there was a woman in a full length fur coat in the 90 degree heat who winked at him and I’ll never forget the look on his face as he whispered to me “Do you think she’s a prostitute?” Ummm, yeah, dude…. I do.

    MsDarkstar’s last blog post: Good, albeit disturbing, to know…

  24. The sight wasn’t too crazy; 3 thugish obviously underage teenagers carrying a brown bag bottle of who knows what. But the smell. They were smoking the reefer just like it was no big deal in the middle of the day, walking in the middle of the street, in the middle of a busy neighborhood. Talk about ballsy.

    Kellie’s last blog post: Red Light District Here I Come!

  25. I was in LA once, staying near UCLA and we heard what sounded like a big frat party at the top of the hill. A few hours later, early in the morning (3 am maybe) we heard frantic yelling and cries for help.

    Upon gazing out the window, we saw one of the pledges (I can only assume) strapped to a desk chair w/wheels, in a BUNNY costume, flying down the hill at speeds upwards of 20 mph. As you can probably imagine, he eventually crashed into a mailbox and lay there, fluffy ass tail facing the sky.

    To this day, whenever I need a good chuckle, I conjure up the image of that drunken bunny-suit claden pledge. I don’t think he’ll ever know how he changed my life.

  26. Aborted trannie BJ pretty much gives it away, but since you twisted my arm…

    The story is that we was on the rooftop at 0230 usual, watching beej in progress, which was taking place through the driver’s window of a double parked car across Harrison Ave.

    Next thing, a patrol car whips around the corner of Essex, the driver alerts his new “friend”, who pulls head out of window, yanks off wig and pumps and takes off headed south on Harrison running like a track star.

    Fast as he was, I don’t think the po-po’s even got _close- to catching him.

  27. Nothing exciting happens on our street. Probably the most exciting thing is when someone gets stuck in the mud when it’s been raining alot. Seriously!

    Although I might be the crazy one because I’m always walking around outside in my nightgown.

    What?

    It’s like a dress..

  28. It was either the “pregnant” (for the past five years) lady who spit on me, the guy being peeled off the pavement by the cops last weekend right when my bf’s parents arrived to visit, or the bum who came to my rescue when some asshat almost ran me over by rushing the car and and screaming “ANIMAL CRACKERS!!!” and shaking his fist at the driver.

    I feel your pain.

    (Pass the Klonopins.)

    LiLu’s last blog post: I’m In Love With a Clevelander

  29. One night when I was driving home around 3 am, I saw another driver standing by his car, which he had run off the road after falling asleep at the wheel, just staring at it and scratching his head. Which was what you would expect anyone to do, considering where his car had ended up. This happened at an intersection, and the last utility pole at the corner had one of those guy wires supporting it, which ran at an angle from the top of the pole down to the ground. He had driven the car right up the narrow wire, where it stopped, balancing, with only the driver’s-side corner of rear bumper touching the ground. I drove around the block, not quite believing what I had witnessed, and he and the car were still there. I stopped to see what I could do to help, which of course was nothing at all, and as we stood there discussing his predicament, several other people came by, all of whom I knew, including my high-school tennis coach. I wondered what all these people were doing out at 3:30 in the morning. We tried to figure out a way to get the car down off the wire before the police got involved, but no one had any ideas, and finally the police and the newspaper photographer showed up, much to the driver’s dismay. This happened in my small hometown. I moved to NYC a couple of years later, and in 35 years since I have not seen anything more improbable.

    M.’s last blog post: The General Theory of Employment, Interest and Money

  30. Oh, dude, sorry I am late. I am on vacation, but it’s cold as shit at the beach, so I’m just stuck in the hotel room with my husband who managed to drink enough to pass out, while my own alcoholic liver processed all my mojitos so quickly that I’m sober, cold, bored, and watching TBS.

    Suck.

    ANYWAY, the best thing I’ve seen walking down the road is….
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baton_Bob

    Baton Bob! The first time I saw him, I was strolling around Atlanta when I passed him in a Midtown crosswalk. He was dressed as a majorette and twirling a baton, and he stayed in the crosswalk blocking traffic with his fine self by wiggling his ass at all the cars. I love him dearly, but sometimes I hate him a little for being older than my mother but looking WAY hotter than me in a mini-dress.

    jeannie’s last blog post: wedding chronicles: anti-climactic update

  31. I was driving down Manton Ave in Olneyville at noon one day (which is hooker heaven at night) and saw someone pushing a wheelchair down the street with a case of beer in the seat.

    Another time I was driving home from Olneyville at night and saw what I thought was a cat run across the road. It turned out to be a big-ass rat.

    But the most colorful was the (presumably) homeless guy wearing bright mis-matched clothes and cowboy boots who walked around with a guitar. He used to try to direct traffic near RI Hospital and loved it if you waved at him.

    And this wasn’t on a street, but one night I was working late and looked up to see a guy standing outside the health center window masturbating. Quite charming. As if I don’t see enough penises at work all day…

  32. A kangaroo. I mean, I do live in Australia but contrary to popular belief we don’t ride the lil bastards to school.

    We lived in suburbia, near a golf-course and one day this honking great kangaroo hopped past the lounge room window.

    Perhaps I shoulda checked to see if someone WAS hitching a ride.

  33. I live next door to a guy who not only deals hard drugs. He is obviously taking them and has some kind of mental things going on there too… One of his friends got so doped up one day he started running around our (busy) street punching the bonnets of cars, and at one point, ran fully up to our front window, yelled something in tounges, flailed, bounced, laughed and ran away waving his arms about his head.

    It was GOLD.

  34. Um,there was this shirtless dude the other day walking down our street singing, “Ta-ra, the evil LES-BI-AN!”

    That was interesting, esp considering I live in the center of “faggotville”.

    Kiala’s last blog post: Social Calendar.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *