Free to good home, or not so good home, Crissy doesn’t care

Is it really only Wednesday?

Ugh.

Crissy is not pleased.

Just like Crissy was not pleased the other day when she got home to find that somebody had forgotten to lock up the kitchen trash can and Crissy came home to a hot mess very much like this one:

2008-06-16 17-02-10

And Alice also likes to help mommy clean the kitty box and so under the dining room table she had saved a few little nuggets of joy for later because when eating kitty box chewies you must always do it in the dining room on Crissy’s great grandmother’s custom made antique rug and you must always leave some behind because it’s not polite to finish everything on your plate. Or rug, as the case may be.

Everybody knows that.

But that’s not all there was Queefies!

Oh, no no.

We’re just getting started!

There was also the compost bin that she dragged out from the trash cabinet, chewed off the lid, and spread corn silk and banana peel and coffee grinds and egg shells all over the place.

But these things that Alice did were not so bad because Big Pussy had an even better surprise for your poor, tired, belly heavy Crissy to come home to after a long day at work.

You see, Crissy is starting to think that that cabinet must be a gateway to Satan’s fire-y asshole because inside of it there is evidence that the Crissys have a mouse and this evidence is mostly in the form of, anyone? anyone? mouse shit.  And when Crissy discovered that she wrote on her message board to “KILL THE RAT!!!” nice and big so Mister would see it and, you know, kill it.  

Well, Big Pussy can read, apparently, because that’s just what he did.

He killed it.

He killed it good, you guys.

Crissy doesn’t like to think that the mouse got hurt but it’s better that Big Pussy did it instead of Mister doing it because at least when Big Pussy does it, it’s nature’s way.

And he ate half of it which of course he barfed up in a bloody and furry mass on great grandma’s rug right next to the kitty box chewies, the corn silk, the banana peels, the coffee grinds, and the egg shells.

“But Crissy, what happened to the other half of the mouse?”

Well Queefs, evidently he’s trying to get ready for bikini season just like everyone else and so in addition to being bulimic, he also practices portion control and so he left the mouse’s lower half right with the rest of the mess. There were these little legs and a tail sticking up out of the pile of disgusting.

And do you know what Crissy did?

She picked up her keys and her purse and her Girlfriend and turned around and left the house because really?

Fuck that.

And she briefly considered burning the house down because that seemed easier than cleaning up the mess(es) but she was too tired to look for the kerosene (just out of curiosity, is that the best thing to use? Crissy has no idea because believe it or not, arson is one thing she’s never done. Give her time.) so she went to Target instead because that’s what Crissy does when she’s upset.



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40 comments

  1. And here I vow, because I’m damn good at making those: No matter how bad things may get, no matter how many old men try to put The Moves on me because they think I have “a nice one,” no matter how many old ladies bitch and moan at me the second I pull into their driveways … I will NEVER complain about my day ever again because it CAN’T be any worse than this.

  2. Okay—deep breaths. Our baby puppy Dex does the same stuff. We can’t leave bundles of Toilet paper out in the halls before we get a chance to put it away (or paper towels). He loves to shred….and he and Buster love the trash can. We, unfortunately, don’t have under the counter trash, so we end up putting ours up on the table.

    As far as the kitty chewies? BABY GATE!! Put your box in an area that you can gate off. Leave it enough off the ground so Big Pussy can slide under it, but Alice cannot (dogs aren’t as agile, remember). Then Alice can’t get to her chewies…….but Big P can get to his box. It works in our house, at least.

    The mouse thing? Sorry, got nothing for ya on that one. Except for an empathetic EWWWWWWW!!!!!!!

    Shelly’s last blog post: “Mom, did you ever smoke pot?” and other questions you never thought you’d have to answer

  3. I find that sitting on the floor in front of the cheap nail polish display at Target is especially therapeutic. Something about all of those colors…

    Cal’s last blog post: One less dish

  4. I know if I came home to that and turned around and left that when I came back there would be a virtual towel paper tent city over everything, waiting for me to strike set on Pukeapoopapalooza. Any pet related messes are mine to clean since I am the one who “had to have” whatever pet. And cuz I’d also have Mr. POSSLQ hurl to clean up if he tried to do it…

    But the QOFE did the right thing. I’m sure of it.

    MsDarkstar’s last blog post: Difficult (but necessary) decision

  5. Mr. POSSLQ- It wasn’t that bad since I made my husband clean it up. I shouldn’t be touching mouse corpse and cat poop in my condition you know.

    Marie- Yup.

    Jac- They have everything you need.

    Shelly- What is with these asshole pets?

    k8- If they could just put that “I just spent $100 on nothing at Target” feeling in a bottle, we’d be all set.

    Cal- Do you do that too??? I buy nail polish when I’m feeling particularly fucked up. You should see my bin of polish. That’s where the crazy lives fer sure.

    Deutlich- So I should have just burned the place down then?

  6. MsDarkstar- I will say to you what I said to your POSSLQ: I shouldn’t be cleaning up such messes in my condition or else the job would totally have been all mine. There is at least ONE advantage to being pregnant and that is it.

  7. Basically yes, kerosene is better than regular gasoline (which evaporates quickly).

    Although both are pretty easy to trace back to arson (on the minus side – no insurance payment. on the plus side – in prison you get three meals a day, an exercise program, new girlfriends…).

    What you want to do is store some kerosene (in open containers), oily rags, dynamite, etc. next to the cat box, run an outlet strip (which has WAY too many things plugged into it) through the cat box, Alice can chew on that along with the nuggets, cause a spark, house burns down, hire a bulldozer to clean up the mess, build a new house, start over, lather, rinse, repeat.

  8. I, too, came home one day a few years back to find a mess of record proportions. I lived in a 1000 sq. ft. home with my dog (not yet married). I came home to find EVERY SQAURE INCH covered in something. She got in the trash, the stuff I had lying around, everything. I couldn’t do anything but cry. I called my sister who came to my rescue and helped me clean up. I couldn’t even get mad at the dog, I was literally speechless. Oh well. From then on, the dogs are crated while we’re at work – mean, but safer for everyone involved. And like Shelly, we use baby gates to prevent the dogs from getting the cat treats (or Almond Rochas as my hub calls them). We used to let the cats slide underneath, but now we leave a small gap on the side – the cats get through, but the dogs can’t fit. Don’t fall for the dog gates – they’re way more expensive than baby gates. My BFF uses a piece of plywood – even cheaper 🙂

  9. I thought I was the only one who came home to unspeakable things that have happened all at once, only to turn around and leave almost immediately so I don’t commit acts that cause bodily injury, because who will take care of the people and animals that made the mess or damage in the first place?

    I think the best memory of that kind of day was when I got the phone call not to worry, but when I asked what I wasn’t worrying about, I was told “nothing.” So I hurry home only to find that someone busted my $300 saltwater nano fish tank and my carpet was a flooded mess, the wall was burnt because the water leaked on the outlet and all of my fish were in my coffee cups sitting on the table and the sand from the tank was splashed on the floor, wall, couch and coffee table. Yep. Best day ever.

    Sigh.

    RHz’s last blog post: How to make paper that "grows"

  10. Lynne- He IS fat and still he caught a mouse. Nobody thought he had it in him.

    Matt- I’ll tell him to watch his back for a while.

    Svaha- I like the way you think.

    Daisee- Almond rochas! Hahahahahah!

    Antelope- Do they come in extra large? I don’t thin Big Pussy could stuff his fat ass into that thing. Great idea though.

    RHz- whoa. That was way, way worse than what happened to me. What a disaster!

  11. did you have to tell us about how he threw up the bloody hairy rat? ewwww

    not like i have any room to talk today. my blog is super disgusting.

  12. a) girlfriend is so stinking cute!
    b) i took a bite of apple just as i got to the part about throwing up bloody mouse parts & just about hurled myself
    c) target is the best cure-all…besides diamonds.

    just me’s last blog post: house stuff

  13. Eiwww, gross. WHen I was a kid, we had a little mouse problem. And the afternoon I came home to see a dead one in the middle of the kitchen? Yeah, I left it there until the neighbor got home so he could clean it up. Because girls don’t touch mice.

    SoMi’s Nilsa’s last blog post: Said

  14. I was having such a horrible day and I thought to myself you know what you need to cheer you up? Crissy’s Blog!! Of course, why didn’t I think of it earlier?! At first it worked and I had a good laugh, but then I pictured the scene and now the nausea I was feeling earlier is about ten times worse. But the laugh was worth it.

    Megkathleen’s last blog post: Camping is for losers

  15. Wow, and I thought that what happened to me was bad. I came home one day to find that Dingo Girl had chewed to shreds the handle on the Fendi Spy Bag Mr. Dingo got me for my birthday. I put it in a velvet bag, tied the pull string opening into a series of knots, and put it on my dresser behind my not so nice purses. I came home the next day to find all the other purses perfectly in place but the Fendi Spy Bag was out of it’s velvet bag, the knots were somehow untied (they weren’t chewed at all) and the entire purse was destroyed. No hope for resurrection.

    I couldn’t get mad. I was too busy crying.

    Dingo’s last blog post: Disruptive

  16. I must have been having a bad day today because I blew almost $200 at Target today…Target is great therapy…

  17. Most of all though Queefs, Crissy needs Richard in her kitchen every morning to make her a banana mango smoothie, tell her she’s pretty, smack her on the ass, and then lead her in an hour of Disco Sweat.Thank you

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