Crissy and the very bad naughty Jewelry Man

A few weeks ago, the clasp on Crissy’s favorite necklace broke. It’s Grandma Helen’s necklace and it’s very nice and Crissy is wearing it in this picture that was taken yesterday.


Crissy looks like the world’s first pregnant six-year-old but whatever. You can’t really see the necklace very well but you sort of can and the picture is really a desperate ploy to get the Queefs to tell Crissy she’s still pretty and without the large growth on her fronts she looks completely normal and once Taco comes out she’ll be bikini ready immediately. It’s a heart shaped diamond pendant and it’s really, very pretty.

And Crissy just hadn’t gotten around to getting it fixed until after work on Thursday, so based on recommendations from her dad and a co-worker she went to the Jewelry Man down the street from her house to have it done because Crissy is a firm believer in supporting small businesses. And clearly the Jewelry Man must be hurting these days because he buzzed her in before her hand even got to the door.

He was watching the door like Alice watches Frank’s hidey hole.

And as soon as Crissy got into the store and showed him her necklace, he ignored the broken clasp completely and in some sort of thick Foreign Person Slavic accent started telling Crissy that she needed a whole new chain and that the way the pendant is mounted in two segments instead of on a sliding thingy was all wrong and that he’d have to re-build the entire pendant and the whole “repair” job would cost around $400.

And Crissy is just like, WHAT?

So she had to say and say to him “no thank you. I just want to replace the clasp. I like the necklace the way it is” over and over again.

Crissy finally got her point across, but holy crap you guys! He must have seen Crissy coming and popped a big chubby because, admittedly, Crissy was dressed all cute from work, she pulled up in a Saab (albeit an old one) and plopped her very nice purse down on the counter (also purchased pre-Girlfriend and pre-house) and so she probably looked like she had the money.

And also, she must have had a little bit of The Stupid on her from the good citizens of Schmuckytown.

Oh, but nay, nay.

Crissy talked him down to $35 which still seems pricey and still made Crissy’s bummy hole hurt a little bit for a tiny little clasp, but it’s a hell of a lot better than $400 and let Crissy just tell you guys that she wanted to do very bad injuries to him for trying that shit with her, but instead she’s just going to punish him by not bestowing upon him the title of Royal Jewelry Queef and also Crissy’s got a big mouth and a blog and so she’s going to tell everyone that The Jewelry Man sucks.

And when Crissy went to pick up her necklace he made it a point to tell her he was giving her “a major break” on the price and Crissy wanted to tell him she was giving him “a major break” by not ripping his arms off and shoving them up his ass.

He’s lucky Crissy didn’t have Girlfriend with her because you know she would have straightened him out for really.

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  1. You are BEAUTIFUL–and obviously going to be beach ready…I predict a July 4th coming out! (For your body, not Taco!)

  2. “He was watching the door like Alice watches Frank’s hidey hole.”

    Hee, hee. Hidey hole.

    And even before I read your post, I saw the picture and thought, “My GAWD! Isn’t she lovely! How am I so lucky to be blessed with a friend so hot?” No lie. I wouldn’t lie to a pregnant lady. Not that you even look pregnant.

    Dingo’s last blog post: Disruptive

  3. Darlin’, once your body is sans Taco, you will be basking on the beach in a itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini in no time.

    And I would like some of whatever drugs JewelryMan is on, cuz $35? Seriously? WTF?

    MsDarkstar’s last blog post: Monday Meme

  4. erm. for what it’s worth? even before that bit that got crossed out I was gonna say that HOLY SHIT if I ever get knocked up I wanna look like you do right there.

  5. Rach- I wubba you Miss Wachul. Are you coming to visit in July for the big unveiling?

    CuppyCakes- Tell me she looks fat!

    Lost Artist- Thank you!

    Cassidy- I’m sure that’s not true.

    Dingo- If you lie to a pregnant lady, YOU wind up pregnant yourself. True story.

    Jac- Thanks! It’s not even a maternity shirt!

    Mr. POSSLQ- Thank you kind sir.

    Pimp- Why do I look like a baby though? Totally weird.

    Matt- I predict a fall wedding.

    Ms.Darkstar- You think that sounds like a lot too? It does, right? A clasp is tiny!

    Deutlich- Thank you sweetie!

    stealthnerd- You never know around here, do you?

  6. I had a dream last night that Ken called me. And I said, “OMG are you calling because Taco’s coming out?!?”

    [and here’s where the dream was sort of not really interesting]

    He said, “No, I wanted to see if you could get a hold of Zip for me.”

    And I said, “who?”

    And he said, “Zip.”

    And that was my dream.

    But I want you to know that you look so tiny! And Taco will come out, take a few sips of your mom juice and your body will spring back and like rubber band, baby.

    Melissa Lion’s last blog post: I Rule Portland with an Iron Fist

  7. I hope to God I look that good when I have kids. Seriously…impressive. Must be all that wicked cool walking exercise thingy you’ve been doing.
    I’d recommend my jeweler to you but it might be kind of a trek…pretty much everything I’ve ever had fixed was $20, if not less, and I tend to break a lot of jewelry (I’ve had two watches broken by elevator doors closing on my wrist. I no longer try to hold it for people.)

    Cal’s last blog post: Shiny night, sans storm

  8. From the non-parent in the corner, I’m pretty sure Crissy is a MILF. Well, not a MILF because it’s not me we’re talking about. But, if I were a boy, I’d totally call Crissy a MILF.

    SoMi’s Nilsa’s last blog post: Scenes

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