The Closet Under The Stairs

Bad, bad naughty Queefs!

Crissy asked you to think about her cervix all weekend and you didn’t.  And you know how Crissy knows that?

Because Taco is still hanging in there and at this very moment is kicking Crissy in the heart, if that’s even possible but that’s what it feels like.

Crissy is fairly certain she is going to explode.  Crissy is a relatively smallish person and there is no more room for Taco.


BUT some of you at least thought about Crissy’s cervix to help a little bit because the Taco Doctor said things are happening and Taco is in position and that Crissy has about a week left to go.

Let’s hope he’s right.

Anycervix, Mother’s Day was pretty wonderful as it did not really involve any of the crying and fighting and terribly hurt feelings  it usually does and that is because Crissy has given up on the romantic idea that Mister will think about her and come up with something to give her on his own.  Crissy didn’t even get a card from Mister or from Girlfriend but that’s okay Queefies.  It’s not the thought, or total lack of thought, that counts, it’s the the guilt of knowing he sucks at giving presents that Crissy has learned to leverage to her advantage.

It only took Crissy 13 years to learn that she can make Mister her bitch because Crissy’s head is not just a hat rack for adorable sun hats, you know.

Crissy is A Person Who Thinks.

Like, a lot.

So Crissy simply told Mister what he was going to get her for Mother’s Day and then she told him what he would spend the day doing and so he did.

He took Crissy to Home Depot and bought her a blueberry bush and a blackberry bush and some mulch for the flower beds and vegetable garden and then he spent the day digging and planting and mulching like a good little Garden Bitch and it made Crissy very happy.  Mister’s mother even came over to help plant the vegetable garden.

Thanks Mister!

Thanks Marcy!

And… hmmm…let’s see.  What else?

Oh yeah!


Taco’s room is done!



And wait a second!

What are THOSE?

Those are NEW WINDOWS bitch!

Crissy’s mom bought four new windows–two for Taco, two for Girlfriend.

Thanks Linda!

The Crissys are just waiting for Crissy’s dad to finish building and painting the dresser/changing table and they will be totally ready.

Thanks Bob!

Poor Taco has the smallest room in the house and Crissy thinks even Harry Potter’s Closet Under the Stairs might have even been bigger but that’s okay.  Taco will survive.  The second kid always gets the shaft.  Everyone knows that.

Look at how huge Girlfriend’s room is:



And Crissy spent 10 hours cutting and decoupaging (is that how you spell that?  Who gives a shit?) tissue paper flowers on the wall for her and about drove herself blind and insane by the end of it, but for Taco Crissy spent 10 minutes online and bought some stickers to put on the walls and she hasn’t even put those up yet.

Second child.

Already getting the shaft in the bedroom department.

Thank Jesus Crissy is the oldest in her family.  Crissy’s brother’s room was really more of a closet too.

Of course, Crissy’s brother is a psychopath but whatever.  It can’t have anything to do with his growing up in a prison cell with the walls caving in on him.

That’s just silly!

So anyway, Mother’s Day was good.

How was yours, Queefies?

PS: dilation, dilation, dilation, dilation, just like that.

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  1. lol

    so thats what Mister was doing when i called him this weekend…

    i think you are right about the second child thingy..

    we have 20 gagillion pics of my daughter when she was born and like about 3 of my son…

    and he doesnt he have room yet…he shares the “guest room”

    oh dear….

    happy belated mother day to you all!

  2. My mom makes my dad garden for her on mother’s day too. Girlfriend’s rooom is sooo pretty! The second child always gets the smaller room… it’s b/c in the long run they always have less stuff.

    Jac’s last blog post: I found the answer!

  3. Sorry… I totally forgot about your cervix this weekend. Maybe we can plan a special “Cervix observance time”?

    A time where everyone can unite and think about your cervix?

    just an idea.

    Matt’s last blog post: Click anywhere.

  4. I was the second baby. I think there’s like one picture in my baby book. My mom kept a journal when she was pregnant with my sister. A JOURNAL. About her feelings. And love. I think I got a cocktail napkin with a drawing on it or something.

    Prosy’s last blog post: Snakes on a Plane! Sort of

  5. Aznman- Poor little guy! You’re shitty parents.

    Jac- I feel sorry for them. They’re yesterday’s news even before they arrive.

    Leah- Don’t be too impressed. I pick up and clean her room every Sunday morning and it stays that way for about 5.5 seconds and then it’s a disaster again.

    k8- AND blackberries. I really wanted raspberries, but home depot didn’t have any. WTF?

    Matt- Brilliant! How about 6:00 tonight?

  6. I dwelt upon Crissy’s dilation this weekend…

    For the 14th year running, I got bupkiss for Mother’s Day. I did my own gardening and planted tomatoes and a basil plant. All over the internetz, though, I heard moms lamenting that they were not even wished Happy Mother’s Day. But the guy I know who works at a jewelry store says business was brisk.

    My theory is that Girlfriend is never in her room cuz I’ve never seen a kid’s room so clean. Ever.

    Happy Mother’s Day, Crissy! (dilation, dilation, dilation)

    MsDarkstar’s last blog post: Hello from the Coffeehouse!

  7. My mothers day? Well I cleaned the entire house and made an amazing brunch. I bought all of the presents from my brother, my sister and me. I even got cards! But what will I be remembered for? The centerpiece flowers that I happened to pick up from a trash bin in my alley. Whatever, they were gorgeous. And free. And not at all dirty. Promise.

    Cal’s last blog post: Don’t judge me: Mothers Day 2009

  8. I LOVE those two rooms!! Love, love, LOVE.

    And my weekend?? Heh. Let’s just say that spending 3 weeks preparing plus 7 hours cooking & baking is absolutely not worth the trouble.

    Next year? I’m sending her a text message.

    deutlich’s last blog post: This Too Shall Pass

  9. I spent Mother’s day helping clean up after hosting a dinner party for 12 (TWELVE) High School Prom Goers.

    I got a happy mother’s day from the boys and my husband. I got a hung over prom goer trying to barf in his room, in a trach can unnoticed. I can’t wait til this party boy stage GOES AWAY and he has kids of his own that he’ll feel all righteous and protective over, so I can do the famous Grace (from will and grace) ‘I TOLD YOU SO DANCE’………

    And I got Lemonade mixed w/ coconut rum and the finale of Amazing race.

  10. Ms. Darkstar- The jewelry business was brisk because all the moms out there were like “fuck them. I’m getting something for myself.”

    Cal- Trash can centerpieces are THE BEST! I wish I got one.

    deutlich- Nothing says love like a text message.

    Shelly- “told ya so, told ya so, told ya, told ya, told ya so.” I am soooo doing that to Girlfriend.

  11. I’m a small bedroom person, so Taco’s room looks just lovely to me. And I’m also a champion of the child getting the shaft because as the oldest girl of a mommy who then went on fifteen years later to have a BOY with a man she LOVES, I totally understand getting the shaft.

    Moral: Taco will be my favorite. And I am a famous novelist. So that makes my favoritism almost as good as yours. Almost.

    Melissa Lion’s last blog post: Word to Your Mother!

  12. You are right about the first kid getting it way better than the second… or in my case the third…hahahaha…..I think I forgot I had a camera by the time the third was here!

    I am sending you happy cervix vibes!


    ms. bliss’s last blog post: Life is good

  13. Melissa- You will be Taco’s favorite too.

    Ms. Bliss- Thanks for the vibes!

    stealthnerd- Yes! I looooovvvee to play decorator.

    Kelly- It can’t be helped!

    brookem- It was only like that for five seconds and then her dresser exploded all over the room.

    Chris- Buy a house in the ‘burbs and you’ll be all set.

    Rach- He did a nice job, didn’t he? Sooo much better than the old industrial carpet the crazy lady put in in 1972.

    LA Cochran- I’m so sorry! Block it out!

    Joe- The green looks way, way greener in the picture than it really is. It’s not that bright, I swear.

    crissy’s last blog post: The Closet Under The Stairs

  14. I got an attempted “Happy Mothers Day” from a clerk at the liquor store. Since I’m not a mother, and have no intention of becoming one, anyone who missed out on greetings from the kids or spouse are welcome to have mine. From a clerk. At the liquor store. WTF?

  15. We have the same crib bedding!!! But I’m bad mom and had to get the bumper because it was so cute.

    As for mother’s day gifts, I got the same thing: A husband working in the yard and taking directions from moi.

    So, really…it was no different than most days.

    Good luck with the cervix.

    Dolce’s last blog post: Takebacks? Anyone?

  16. I can’t believe Taco may come in a week! Woo! Can’t wait for his first appearance on the internet.

    Also, both of those rooms are absolutely ADORABLE. I Love the wall colors and the neat decorations. If only my childhood bedroom looked like that!

    Lauren’s last blog post: Dreaming

  17. sometimes the second kid turns out to be the favourite though… and then when the first kid goes off to college or moves out with their long term partner spouse, the second kid will move all her stuff into the big room now vacated by her older sibling.

    And there she will stay forever…

    missK’s last blog post: I Guess Its Time To Post Some…

  18. Girlfriend and Taco sure do have great bedrooms! And Mister is a great photographer. And Crissy should be sitting with her feet up right about now. Huffing & puffing. Where is dilation when we need him?!

    SoMi’s Nilsa’s last blog post: Scenes

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