Girlfriend goes to the mattresses

On Wednesday night, Mister and Girlfriend were taking out the trash when Girlfriend spotted the neighbor taking out his trash too. And this is the neighbor whose dog, Tequila, has been shitting all over Crissy’s lawn and pissing Crissy off to no end and Girlfriend is well aware of it as she overhears Crissy and Mister arguing over who is going to go over there and kick some ass.
And it goes a little something like this:
“You should mention to Paulie that Tequila shits in our yard.”
“Or, you could do it.”
“I’m not doing it. You do it. You know them better than I do.”
“Fine. I will. Next time I see him, I’ll mention it.”
“Thank you.”
“Fine.”

And then Crissy just winds up passive aggressively throwing the shit over the fence and onto the hood of their van because neither of the Crissys actually has the balls to say anything.

Apparently, Girlfriend is sick of hearing about it and so she goes over to Paulie and says “you know Paulie, Tequila pees and poops in our yard and it’s killing the grass.” And Paul was very apologetic and pretended he had no idea and went all asses and elbows to clean up the shit!!!

Mister says it was a marvel to behold and he tried to downplay it to keep the peace, but Girlfriend had the situation totally under control.

Crissy has learned something very, very valuable here Queefies.

From now on, Girlfriend is the enforcer because who is going to argue with her?

Nobody.

Crissy knows better than to argue with Girlfriend!

She’ll straighten motherfuckers out.

She also yelled “you’re stupid idiots!” out the window at the new asshat tenants across the street who let their two year old son ride his little car thingy into the street while they just sit relaxing on the front steps.

And while we’re on the subject of parenting, HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY to all you mothers out there! And Crissy would like to send a very special shout out to all the people who are currently fucking those mothers because without you motherfuckers, we mothers would be very sad indeed and so holla Motherfuckers! Holla mothers!

Crissy will be back on Monday with the full report on whether Mister fucked up or came through for Mother’s Day this year. No pressure, Mister. It’s just that the quality and appropriateness of your gift to Crissy will be considered to be in direct proportion to how much you love/do not love and appreciate/do not appreciate Crissy. No big deal.

PS: And for a mother’s day gift from the Queefs, Crissy wants you to think about her cervix all weekend long.  Everyone think DILATION. Do it now, dilation, dilation, dilation, dilation...just like that all weekend.

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29 comments

  1. Seriously, I would NEVER mess with Girlfriend. If I ran into her in a dark alley, I would definitely walk the other way.

    Well, and I’d call you too b/c I’m pretty sure you’d be all “what the hell is Girlfriend doing in dark NYC alleys?!”

    stealthnerd’s last blog post: The NY List

  2. This queef will definitely attempt to give the mo he fos some Mofo love this weekend & Happy Mother’s Day to you!

    Mister, my Blonde Bombshell is getting a palm tree and some extra yardwork for Mother’s Day. Just an idea.

  3. You like Girlfriend taking control now. But, let’s see if you’re still singing the same song when she’s shaves Taco’s head. Or when she feeds Taco Draino. Or when drops Taco on his/her head. Then we’ll see if you like Girlfriend taking control.

    Here’s to many many millimeters of dilation this weekend!

    SoMi’s Nilsa’s last blog post: Balance

  4. Can I borrow Girlfriend for my meetings at work? Because she would tell everyone what’s what and that would be awesome to watch.

    Dilation, dilation, dilation, dilation, dilation, dilation…

    Marie’s last blog post: Searches and Finds

  5. Happy Mother’s Day, QOFE Crissy!

    Wishing you much dilation and excellent giftage! (Which I want to hear about cuz I’ve never received a Mother’s Day Gift so want to live vicariously through you!)

    Girlfriend is awesome! And who, really, is gonna argue with her? Seriously.

    Have a stellar weekend! (Dilation! Dilation! Dilation!)

    MsDarkstar’s last blog post: TMI Thursday – Sneak Attack & What the Hay?

  6. Kids are wonderful for all kinds of things! Btch slapping a bad neighbor, trying out new foods, blaming them for bad smells, etc . . . Way to go GF! Hope you have a great Moms Day, with what you have coming up you deserve it! Titillation! Titillation! Titillation! I’ve heard that works too!!!

  7. I TOLD you I would perform a C-section on Carl’s desk. I waited with my letter opener and you didn’t show up! I want to give the placenta to Carl for his birthday.

    Lynne’s last blog post: Queer

  8. my lovely wife just called me on the way home from the ob/gyn, and she said that there IS some mojo going on, the baby has rotated, and things could start happening in 1 to 1.5 weeks.

    needless to say, she was happy to hear that!

  9. Oh, Girlfriend. How I love thee.

    You should make her a tshirt that says, “The Enforcer.” And the next time Tequila uses your lawn as a port-o-potty, have Girlfriend knock on Paul’s door and give him what for.

    Dingo’s last blog post: Disruptive

  10. Happy Mother’s Day! We have stupid idiot neighbors too. I would tell you what we really call them but then you’d think we were racist and really, we’re not, it’s just the truth…
    Anyway, they let their 7 year old boy and 2 year old girl run around our neighborhood doing whatever they please. They run out into oncoming traffic and play hide and go seek in our yard which is 2 houses away w/o the parents knowing b/c they NEVER watch them. Oh and the icing on the cake is she’s preggo again and due in 2 months AND they bought a new little puppy last week. They can’t even take care of the 2 kids they have now so I’m assuming all hell will break loose in 2 months. It’s gonna be grand.

    Kellie’s last blog post: My Loony Bun is Fine Benny Lava!

  11. I wish I had half of Girlfriend’s confidence and “I-got-this”-ness! <— Zan-speak for “spunk”. I’m sending dilation vibes your way, and I’m telling you, get Mister in on some sexay times and Taco will be here before you know it!

  12. Woohoo, that’s too funny. Girlfriend, The Enforcer. Also gotta love the five ads for mattresses followed by one for “cat repellent…everything for your kitchen”

    Google’s awesome.

    Diiiiii-laaaaa-tion
    Diiiiii-laaaaa-tion

    PS Hanging off the bed upside down does not help. Just in case you wondering.

    Ream o Rama’s last blog post: Online confessional

  13. First time to your blog. Good stuff, yo!

    That video is classic. I always wondered what people meant when they used the phrase “shit load.” Now I know because that was a shit load! Two minutes of pure shit flinging? You might want to encourage your neighbor to take their dog to a vet! Too much fiber in that canine’s diet.

    Steely Dad’s last blog post: My Daughter the Thief

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