Like, totally.

Crissy has been meaning to mention this for a while now but she keeps forgetting and so don’t anyone think she’s been living in her basement watching QVC and eating cheetos oblivious to the fashion trends of late because she’s not.

Crissy has her finger on the very pulse, nay,  the very ball sack of the fashion world as any good Queen would and she knows all about what’s hot and new and the new hotness.

Crissy shops at Target, you know.

So show of hands, Queefies:

How many of us were in Jr. High or High School during the 80’s? Crissy has to ask that because she knows that many of you were born in the 90’s!!!! Your parents weren’t even married yet, and Crissy was rocking out to “blister in the sun” (would you believe Mister doesn’t know the words to that song? Freak.) and spraying her hair with Sun-in.

Let Crissy tell you babies that the 80’s were not the world’s greatest fashion moment. Everyone who remembers them knows that, and so why oh why are they sooooo back?

It’s because you kids like your “retro” nonsense.

If you ask Crissy, the only good thing about the giant sweaters with enormous buttons was that the buttons were easy for arthritics and preschoolers to button themselves.

Other than that?

They’re just silly.

And why with the leggings?

Crissy knows some of us worship the leggings, but really?

Most people shouldn’t be wearing them, but they are and it hurts Crissy’s eyes.

And Crissy could go on and on but you guys already know what she’s talking about so she won’t bore you with a list of what fabulous 80’s thing is all the rage.

The point Crissy is trying to make is what’s next Queefs?

Stirrup pants?

OH THE HORROR!!!

Are they back already and Crissy just hasn’t noticed them yet?

Prolly.

And what about the big giant hair with all the Aqua Net?

And the banana clips.

Crissy didn’t have the big hair, but she had one of those bad boys in every color, naturally.

Crissy just couldn’t get her hair to do the big poofy thing in the front no matter how she curled and sprayed and sprayed and curled and it made her feel like less of a person and so she compensated for her poof  inadequacies by wearing a couple of extra pairs of socks with her pastel green Reebok high tops.

It was totally bitchin’.

But you know what she saw on the Tee-Vee the other day that would have done the trick for Crissy’s hair?

It was this.

Before you click that link, just know it has SOUND so turn your speakers off at work so you don’t get fired and have to stop reading Crissy’s blog because at your new job they don’t have Internets working at McDonald’s drive-thru.

Here’s a picture for you pain in the arse non-clickers:


Flat hair, Queefs?

Well, BUMP IT UP!

And they say you can even wear them on the Upper East Side OR The Red Carpet!

Howfuckingawesome is the bumpit?

Too awesome for Crissy that’s for sure!

But you know what?

Crissy is going to embrace it.

After the Taco comes out, Crissy is going to totally pimp her style and she’s going all in.

It’s going to be 1986 up in this bitch and you will all be even more jealous of Crissy than you are already.

If that’s even possible!

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33 comments

  1. Hey—I was a full fleged teen in the 80’s-so anyone reading your blog that wasn’t born yet is TOO YOUNG TO READ THIS SHIT!!!

    I like the 80’s style…..I never had the big hair, either, but I had a rad “bi-level” (the girl version of a MULLETT)….I was stylin, let me tell you STYLIN’…..

    And my blue sparkly EYELINER with the sparkly purple SHADOW?

    Oh, HELL YEAH!!

    Don’t get me started on the awesomeness of 80’s music either. VH1 had BETTER STOP having 80’s hits marathons. I’ll never get my house cleaned for grandma NEVER!!!!!

    Shelly’s last blog post: SOOOOOOO…

  2. All I will say is that I totally relate to Bowling for Soup’s “1985”…

    Springsteen, Madonna
    way before Nirvana
    There was U2 and Blondie
    And music still on MTV
    Her two kids in high school
    They tell her that she’s uncool
    Cuz she’s still preoccupied
    With 19, 19, 1985

    ’nuff said

    MsDarkstar’s last blog post: Monday Mind Dump

  3. I had big hair. BIG HAIR. And black parachute pants with pink neon zippers. I know, I know. You wonder how all that coolness was contained in one person. It was a burden I bore with dignity.

    But it’s 2009 and if anyone wore one of those Big Happy Hair clips on the Upper East Side, they’d tell you to go back to Jersey.

    Dingo’s last blog post: Disruptive

  4. I graduated high school in 1986. I was showing my daughter my yearbook a while back and her mind was completely boggled by everybody’s hair.

    Kids today have no taste.

    Cobwebs’s last blog post: :::sniffle:::

  5. Shelly- Oh, I forgot about my blue eyeliner! I was all about it!

    Mr. POSSLQ- Believe it!

    Ms. Darkstar- That’s going to go through my head all day now. I’m very suggestable like that.

    Dingo- I can totally picture you and it’s AWESOME. It makes me love you even more.

    Matt- They ARE back! You’d better hide.

    cew- Bumpit.

    Cobwebs- Oh I know it!

  6. Oh, Crissy. You are a little bit late, but that’s okay because if I had a basement, I’d be hiding in it and eating Cheetos, too.

    I live in a college town which is a den of both herpes and the latest ridiculous fashion trends that the eighteen-year-old tanorexic freshman skanks are too young to be afraid of.

    The stirrup pant? It is here. It is here. Commence screaming in horror.

    jeannie’s last blog post: Why I (Really Really) Hate Football

  7. Until I see that used on curly hair (and by that I mean, successfully used AND removed), there’s no way that contraption is coming close to my curls. That is, unless I’m looking for an excuse to shave my head.

    SoMi’s Nilsa’s last blog post: Loyalties

  8. Why these didn’t come out when Jennifer Aniston hair first came around, I do not know, because my hair WILL NOT be teased. It refuses.

    And what about leg warmers? Seriously. I had them in five colors, plus rainbow striped.

  9. I was a banana clip wearin’, glam rock band lovin’, enormous bang havin’ 80s junior high gal who had a love for acid wash denim. I nearly fell out of my chair at the mention of Sun In. I hope the stirrup thing fizzles. I don’t think I can watch it happen.

    The Bumpit scares me. I have too much volume as it is.

    Summer’s last blog post: And For My Next Trick…

  10. All I’m going to say is they better now bring back those damn shoulder pads. It was horrifying having to look at them throughout the ’80s!!!

    By the way, I actually saw a girl yesterday with her hair done like that. Couldn’t stop staring.

    Marie’s last blog post: She Flew the Coop

  11. OMG I want the bumpit. I want it. I want hair that I can put in it. This stuff about the 80’s just reminds me of being a brunette in California and wanting nothing more than to be blond.

    *sigh*

    Melissa Lion’s last blog post: Tahiti Is Back

  12. Okay, they definitely do have stirrup pants, but they are stirrup jeans so all the girlies can get their skinny jeans to look like they are painted on (and also so they don’t bulge up when they are tucked into boots, i think).

    As for the leggings? My belief has always been that spandex is a privilege, NOT a right!

    stealthnerd’s last blog post: The NY List

  13. Hahaha – although I wasn’t in middle school during the 80’s, I was born in 83 so I got a full 7 years of the awful style. And guess what? I’M NOT BRINGING IT BACK. The leggings are awful. The bright colors are painful. What’s next, the fringed bangs?

    Although I totally loved my banana clips.

    Lauren’s last blog post: Bridal Shower Help

  14. You young people with your wild hair and your loud music and your devil worship….

    I got kind of happy about the banana clips until I realized they were not for nipples but for hair. Sigh.

    Are you suggesting that all women do not wear leggings or thigh-high stockings or something similar all the time? This is depressing news to me.

    stoogepie’s last blog post: StoogeNotes: Nabokov’s Lolita

  15. Spandex leggings and big sweaters were useful for camouflaging a multitude of sins…for instance, you could eat too much dinner and still feel comfortable. But Crissy, I went to high school in the 70s!!! And when I saw the resurgence of 70s clothing a few years ago, I was horrified. I will not go back to bell bottoms, I said, and I didn’t. I also saw blouses made out of the exact fabric that one of my tops was made from, back in the day. It was a weird feeling, and I’m glad that we seem to have sort of moved on.

  16. I too was a victim of the 80’s. I graduated high school in 84 with my members only jacket and I think I had an ABBA tee shirt. Oh the horrors of it all. My best fashion moment came in 6th grade when I had my silk button down shirt with the wide collar. My mom still has the picture on her wall (of shame).

  17. The 80’s were great years for me, although I’m sure not in a fashion sort of way.

    Not knowing what bumpit was I googled it. I was disappointed, coming from you I figured it would be related to sex. Also I have not seen hair that high since the last time I was in Revere, Ma or Cranston, RI.

  18. Graduated in the mid-80s. Spectacular huge hair. I would not let my daughters wear their hair like that for a zillion dollars.

    Stirrup pants? Meh! Harem pants are back and if you check the new issue of Shape they will tell you how to wear them without looking like MC Hammer!

    There are reasons that styles either NEVER go out of fashion or go out of fashion, never to come back into style. If you want to see some examples, check out this hilarious blog: http://www.sexypeople-blog.com/

  19. proud graduate of class of 89! 20 year reunion right around the fricken corner – GASP!

    ‘Crissy was rocking out to Blister in the Sun’ i really would have guessed you for an ‘Add it Up’ girl.
    i do have my 6 yr old singing Blister though…

    sun in – guilty, so, so guilty

    as for the BumpIt, i don’t need it, i already have big f-ing hair; i guess it’s still recovering from all that hairspray in the 80s.

    just me’s last blog post: the vieja

  20. Please don’t encourage Sarah Palin wannabes to bumpit. It’s hideous enough on her.

    I was a class of ’89, “no hair was too big” failure. Blister in the Sun was my solace for my (relatively flat) bangs. That, and being the smart chic with the hot boyfriend who I cheated on mercilessly with smarter guys.

    Oh, and that flat hair was purple most of the time.

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