Happy Motherfucking Monday Queefies!
Crissy is bummed that the weekend is over because she and Mister and Girlfriend had a very nice couple of days together after weeks and weeks of not being a family because of all the Taco projects going on.
But now it’s Monday and reality and WORK.
Before Crissy moves on to her post today, she would like to let you sweet and thoughtful emailing Queefs know that despite appearances to the contrary, she did not forget to post pictures of Girlfriend’s hair-do or “hair-dude” as Girlfriend pronounces it. She just hasn’t done it because it hasn’t been done yet. It doesn’t look so bad that it’s an emergency, and the Crissys tried twice this weekend, but they kept missing Miss Stephanie. Pictures will be posted as soon as there’s something to post.
Look at this cute little doggie!
That’s Martha on the Afterglow with Mister’s dad behind her and yes. That is a life jacket she’s wearing.
Would you want to watch little Martha drown?
Crissy doesn’t think so.
Well, maybe you will by the end of this post…
Isn’t she just the most precious little thing on the whole entire earth?
Juss wook ad teh widdle face on hurr…
That’s what Crissy thought when she saw her at the shelter and she looked at Mister said she just had to have her. Pay close attention to the words just had to have her because those are the words Mister spent about five years throwing in Crissy’s face every time Martha had an episode or an incident.
You see, cute as she is, Martha had a little bit of a problem.
Actually, Martha had more than just one problem. She had a multitude of problems which Crissy will detail for you here.
First there was “The Stink.”
All of a sudden, out of nowhere, her bum would leak what can only be described of as evil. And it would only come out when she was on some difficult to clean surface like a lap, bed, or couch. Apparently, she had some sort of an issue with her anal glands and that stuff that makes doggie shit smell like doggie shit would just leak out of her at super-concentrated power. And Mister would look at Crissy with a spot of the evil stink on his pants and say what, Queefies?
“You just had to have her.”
And Martha would bark at Mister like he was a total stranger every. single. time. he stood up to do anything in the house.
And she used to snap at imaginary flies. She’d just be sitting there and then the next second she’d be nipping furiously at the air. The vet said it was a seizure disorder and that she really thought she was getting buzzed by bugs.
But Crissy just had to have her.
She’s so cute and snuggly!
Then there’s the time she ate a big, BIG bar of Hershey’s Special Dark that Mister had carelessly left out on the coffee table over night and Martha woke Crissy up by throwing up melted chocolate on Crissy’s face and proceeded to spend the day throwing up all over the place including down Crissy’s back while she was on the phone with the vet and holding a violently shaking little Martha to comfort her.
Crissy still cannot even think about Hershey’s syrup without getting ill.
And still, Crissy just had to have her.
But the final straw came when Girlfriend was just two days shy of her second birthday and Crissy was outside showing her how to pet the doggie nicely and Crissy had her hands on both Girlfriend and Martha when in a split second, Martha turned on Girlfriend, pinned her to the ground, and ripped into her face with teeth and claws.
Crissy was so close to the action that she saw Girlfriend’s injuries before they even bled, but was powerless to stop it because she would have had to have super-speed and she doesn’t have that.
And it looked bad, Queefs.
Girlfriend had to go to the hospital and has a scar on her little cheek from it.
And then Martha went to live with a nice little old I-talian lady from craigslist whose grandchildren were all grown up because after that?
Crissy didn’t just have to have Martha anymore.
Besides, Alice and Mister never liked the bitch.
And Crissy is telling you this story for no apparent reason except that it’s Monday and she was up all night experiencing what her book calls pre-labor which can come an hour before real labor starts or a month.
Needless to say, Crissy feels like ass today because it’s still going on and she might call the doctor just to get a snitty answer and then feel stupid for calling.
Taco needs to wait another week at least before it’s cool to come out so slow down there homeslice.