The face of evil

Happy Motherfucking Monday Queefies!

Crissy is bummed that the weekend is over because she and Mister and Girlfriend had a very nice couple of days together after weeks and weeks of not being a family because of all the Taco projects going on.

But now it’s Monday and reality and WORK.

Ew.

Before Crissy moves on to her post today, she would like to let you sweet and thoughtful emailing Queefs know that despite appearances to the contrary, she did not forget to post pictures of Girlfriend’s hair-do or “hair-dude” as Girlfriend pronounces it. She just hasn’t done it because it hasn’t been done yet. It doesn’t look so bad that it’s an emergency, and the Crissys tried twice this weekend, but they kept missing Miss Stephanie. Pictures will be posted as soon as there’s something to post.

Pinkie swear.

So, anyway.

Look at this cute little doggie!

!!!!!DSC00054

That’s Martha on the Afterglow with Mister’s dad behind her and yes. That is a life jacket she’s wearing.

WHAT?

Would you want to watch little Martha drown?

Crissy doesn’t think so.

Well, maybe you will by the end of this post…

Ahem.

Isn’t she just the most precious little thing on the whole entire earth?

Right?

Juss wook ad teh widdle face on hurr…

That’s what Crissy thought when she saw her at the shelter and she looked at Mister said she just had to have her. Pay close attention to the words just had to have her because those are the words Mister spent about five years throwing in Crissy’s face every time Martha had an episode or an incident.

You see, cute as she is, Martha had a little bit of a problem.

Actually, Martha had more than just one problem. She had a multitude of problems which Crissy will detail for you here.

First there was “The Stink.”

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, her bum would leak what can only be described of as evil. And it would only come out when she was on some difficult to clean surface like a lap, bed, or couch. Apparently, she had some sort of an issue with her anal glands and that stuff that makes doggie shit smell like doggie shit would just leak out of her at super-concentrated power. And Mister would look at Crissy with a spot of the evil stink on his pants and say what, Queefies?

“You just had to have her.”

And Martha would bark at Mister like he was a total stranger every. single. time. he stood up to do anything in the house.

And she used to snap at imaginary flies. She’d just be sitting there and then the next second she’d be nipping furiously at the air. The vet said it was a seizure disorder and that she really thought she was getting buzzed by bugs.

But Crissy just had to have her.

She’s so cute and snuggly!

Then there’s the time she ate a big, BIG bar of Hershey’s Special Dark that Mister had carelessly left out on the coffee table over night and Martha woke Crissy up by throwing up melted chocolate on Crissy’s face and proceeded to spend the day throwing up all over the place including down Crissy’s back while she was on the phone with the vet and holding a violently shaking little Martha to comfort her.

Crissy still cannot even think about Hershey’s syrup without getting ill.

And still, Crissy just had to have her.

But the final straw came when Girlfriend was just two days shy of her second birthday and Crissy was outside showing her how to pet the doggie nicely and Crissy had her hands on both Girlfriend and Martha when in a split second, Martha turned on Girlfriend, pinned her to the ground, and ripped into her face with teeth and claws.

Crissy was so close to the action that she saw Girlfriend’s injuries before they even bled, but was powerless to stop it because she would have had to have super-speed and she doesn’t have that.

And it looked bad, Queefs.

Girlfriend had to go to the hospital and has a scar on her little cheek from it.

And then Martha went to live with a nice little old I-talian lady from craigslist whose grandchildren were all grown up because after that?

Crissy didn’t just have to have Martha anymore.

Besides, Alice and Mister never liked the bitch.

And Crissy is telling you this story for no apparent reason except that it’s Monday and she was up all night experiencing what her book calls pre-labor which can come an hour before real labor starts or a month.

Needless to say, Crissy feels like ass today because it’s still going on and she might call the doctor just to get a snitty answer and then feel stupid for calling.

Taco needs to wait another week at least before it’s cool to come out so slow down there homeslice.

Jesus.

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34 comments

  1. I don’t recall any “just had to have it/him/her” moments, but that could just be the selective amnesia talking. It’s good that you and Mister and Girlfriend had a good weekend together — Ms. Darkstar and I are going to try that this coming weekend, before the two straight weeks of on-call take me away.

    Mr. POSSLQ’s last blog post: Cat Poetry: Morsel

  2. Oh Crissy… I was so bummed out that I was going to have to go to work without reading my daily QOFE post and then it popped into my reader… and totally squelched the desire I’d had for breakfast.

    Hope Taco settles down. You’re in the home stretch now, though. Some morning soon, there will be no QOFE post because Taco will be arriving. Mister WILL let us know, right?

    MsDarkstar’s last blog post: Another non-weekend weekend

  3. “Pre-labor which can come an hour before real labor starts or a month.”

    Is pre-labor covered by union rules? You need compensation for that craziness. I hope Mister is treating you well. You know, with bling and all that.

    Dingo’s last blog post: Disruptive

  4. When I say, “I have to have this!” Pretty much everyone will grab my arm and drag me away. I never get ANYTHING I want. Hrmph.

    k8’s last blog post: Walking

  5. Mr. POSSLQ- Oh you’ve just got the amnesia! You’ve had those moments!

    Ms. Darkstar- Not only will he tell you when I’m in labor, I’ll be live blogging the whole event!
    NOT.
    But maybe…

    Matt- Actually, Martha was there first and she tortured poor baby Alice.

    Dingo- If by bling you mean plaster and paint and floors then YES!

    Rach- I know you understand my love for the bitch. You, after all, had The Pud–a dog that only a mother can love.

    k8- I usually get what I want, but then after I have it I wind up in bed at 2 am cursing myself because it’s kicking me or throwing up on me.

    crissy’s last blog post: The face of evil

  6. I take it dogs don’t come with a small warning label? Dang it.

    Does one say “hope you feel better!” to a pregnant lady? Or do you just feel better once taco is out? In any case, taco needs to calm down!

    Marie’s last blog post: Age According to Ma

  7. Pimp- WTF are you talking about. You HATED Marthie.

    Lauren- Right? Irresistable!

    Deutlich- More like she pissed me off.

    Marie- They especially don’t come with one when they’re sitting in the corner of a hard, cold, concrete cage shaking and looking all cute and pathetic.

  8. First of all, Martha sounds like a total asshat. We had a version of Martha, her name was Sheba. Alway a “pound puppy.” Sheba was fucking crazy. One time she ate glass. She had a love of knocking people down. Sometimes she did this by jumping on people, but usually it entailed her running super fast and hard right into our guests’ legs. Oh, and she thought our backyard was a total drag. She lived and died like a GD rockstar. I’m not even ashamed to say… I don’t miss her few even a second.

    I hate when the OBGYN’s office makes you feel like an idiot.

    Summer’s last blog post: Saturday Realizations

  9. yeah–nothing says “I need attention” more than a dog who takes a dump in the middle of a group of people.

  10. Taco! Take it easy dude, we’re a very patient group. We’ll be here next week and next month and we’ll all still have pictures of our asses and conversations about porn. It’s cool. We’ll be here when you get here.

    Melissa Lion’s last blog post: Never Go East of 405

  11. Summer- I feel like an asshole pretty much every time I go there.

    Rach- He just wanted us to know what he was made of is all.

    Melissa- Do you hear that Taco? Melissa says she’ll wait for you.

    Maxie- Good policy.

    Chris- Only the good stuff starts out that way.

    Saratogajean- She was soooooo like that too.

    Pimp- I know. You didn’t want to hate her. You were very patient.

    Lynne- You do suck more than normal today. Quit the cuntery.

    Crissy’s last blog post: The face of evil

  12. Anal leakage is never, ever cool.

    I’m so sorry about her jumping Girlfriend. She would totally have to go. My Mother-in-laws evil dog freaked out on my nephew for no reason when he was like 18 months old, somehow she managed to blame my sister-in-law for it. Her “over protective” nature caused the dog to go nuts.

    Kelly Belly’s last blog post: BOOBS and Salad Tossing

  13. Crissy, I though you and Taco and I had already come to an understanding that you must wait until June 3rd…. No more sex, or exercising, or spicy foods. Well, ok. No more exercising or spicy foods at least.

  14. I just found your blog and now have the luxury of going back and reading all the back issues –
    I am so so jealous.
    1) you’re gorgeous (and funny)
    2) Mister is sexy in that nerdy intelligent way that I adore!!
    3) Craftsman house
    4) cute perfect kid

    Oh I could go on but I think I am gonna get sick.
    Just kidding dollink I LOVE you and look forward to many more …

  15. one of my old roommates had a dog like that. he was so! cute! omg! but OMG HATE. he was a yappyyappyyayppyappy dog, and never learned not to jump up on you when you came in the door (which was awesome when you were wearing a skirt, because you either ended up with scratches on your bare legs or the dog ripping your skirt off) and he pooped in my room every. single. day. i did not like that dog.

    Alice’s last blog post: the little weekend that could

  16. i don’t miss the barking. the motherfucking barking.

    my wife isn’t kidding when she said the dog would go off EVERY TIME i stood up and walked in/out of the room.

    i will say that she was instrumental in honing my abilities to sneak around like a burglar/ninja/ghost.

  17. She did bark allthefuckingtime. For real. She was always letting you know when you broke her rules, and sorry, there were way too many to keep track of.

  18. Marie: I work at a shelter and we’ve actually just started putting a kind of warning label on the dogs we have for adoption.

    My dog is troubled too… its all going to hell in a handbasket the day I bring a baby home.

    missK’s last blog post: Lets Get Some SHOES.

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