Archive for May, 2009

Great news Queefies!  Crissy is officially on Maternity Leave from Schmuckytown Pubic for the whole summer!

Woot-woot!

No more walking through the door all dejected and sad because Taco has not come yet only to endure a day full of “Are you STILL here?” and then the inevitable barrage of fat jokes that just keep getting funnier every time Crissy hears them.  It got to the point where Crissy just walked in and said “no.  I haven’t had the baby yet,” and “yes!  I’m fucking FAT!” and “no.  I don’t know what the sex is yet.  I didn’t know yesterday, and I still don’t know today and so NO I DON’T HAVE A NAME PICKED OUT”  just to save people the trouble.

And nobody wanted to talk to Crissy about normal stuff.  They only cared about Crissy’s uterus contents as if Crissy is not a person.  It’s been nearly 10 months of this Queefies.

Crissy has had e-nough.

But they bought her a chocolate cake as a good luck present.

That was nice.

In other news, Crissy goes to the Taco Doctor again today.

She’s tired of the Taco Doctor because she has to bring pee with her.  In her purse.  Every time.

How badly would it suck if the pee spilled in her purse and so needless to say, Crissy brings the little pee pee cup in three, count them, three ziplock baggies.

It was really fun the time Crissy was going to the doctor after doing the groceries and Girlfriend unpacked her purse looking for gum and pulled out the pee.

Thank JESUS Vinny wasn’t working that day.

And besides what good is going to the doctor if every time she does, he tells her the same thing.

Taco is never, never, not ever coming out.

Crissy is going to be miserable forever.

The only good news about that is that she’s going to sit around and eat cake all summer because why the hell not?

And then after the Taco Doctor Crissy will go to the grocery store because she really, really knows how to fucking party but she’s a little worried about her miserable and uncomfortable state because of what happened last time with the Tourette’s and the eggs and all.

Everything was fine until she got out to the parking lot with her thirty million dollars worth of groceries and while she was loading the trunk, the bag containing the Lil’ Rhody Large Fresh Organic Eggs that cost like nine dollars a dozen flipped out of the grocery cart and smashed all over the god damned parking lot and you know what Crissy said?

“YOU COCK MOTHERFUCKER!”

Very, very loudly.

And all of the other grocery shopping citizens of Schmuckytown heard her.

Shit, Crissy is pretty sure the Astronauts heard her.

Talk about clutching pearls and gasping in horror at bad parenting because of course, Girlfriend was in the grocery cart at the time.

And Crissy wonders where she gets her language from…

Anymotherfuckingsmashedupeggs, Crissy is unsure how her mental status will be by the end of today and so Mister has offered to take her and Girlfriend out to dinner tonight because Crissy needs something to look forward to that does not involve crying at the doctor’s office or having another Tourette’s Incident at The Stop & Shop.

Happy weekend everyone!

Last night at dinnertime Mister told Crissy he wanted her to check out this website called whythefuckdoyouhaveakid and let Crissy tell you that it raised her parenting self- esteem just a wee little bit because holy shit you guys.

At least Crissy isn’t like these fucking people.

Crissy sometimes feels like a failure as a mother because Girlfriend can and has used words like Motherfucker and stupid asshole perfectly in a sentence and that makes Crissy both proud and horrified at the same time.  And Girlfriend learned how to spell b-a-n-a-n-a-s from Gwen Stephani because that’s her shit and sometimes she doesn’t get a bath in the morning but Crissy has never done any of the stuff she’s about to show you.

She waits for Girlfriend to go to bed because that’s what a Good Mother does.

Apparently.

But Crissy doesn’t know.

This is pretty sexy with the baby and crib and baby swing in the background and everything.  From what Crissy knows about menfolk, they really like to know that a girl is fertile when they’re looking at a picture of her goodies.

Crissy particularly likes how she’s paying attention to detail by showing off her cesarean scar as proof of said fertility as if there was any doubt as to whether that kid in the background is hers or not.

Destiny’s Child: The Untold Story

CLASSY.

Hmmm…looks like somebody vewy, vewy, naugh-tee has been going around blowing loads in all the BBWs.

I am Sheenah, Queen of the Finger Painted on Thong and I am looking for my Babydaddy(s).  When I find him, I shall beat him with these sticks.

Crissy is soooo jealous that she and Mister didn’t go and have a half nekkid glamor shot done with Mister’s hand on Crissy’s ass.

Sigh.

Maybe next time…

Awww…look at the proud mommies! They looks so happy!

Crissy didn’t know that Olan Mills even offered a Pregnancy Pact package!  If you buy two additional sheets of wallets, you get a Free Diaper Bag and a coupon for 10% off paternity testing!

Freakin’ Sweet!

So yeah.

Horrifying stuff.

And it is not lost on Crissy that whilst she and Mister were looking at this website, Girlfriend was not at the table eating her whole grain pasta fortified with calcium and fiber with olive oil and organic Parmesan cheese on it, nor was she drinking her organic skim milk.

She was in the bathroom off the kitchen painting Alice’s back with blue Spongebob toothpaste.

What?

Alice likes to be fruity fresh.

Crissy is so appreciative of all your cake advice yesterday!  Turns out that Convection is not so great when it comes to cake baking.  Huh.  Crissy is going to give it a whirl on Bake for her dad’s birthday in a couple of weeks and see how we do and you’ll all be waiting on the edges of your seats for the full report.  Crissy is sure of it.

Anywho, you know who Crissy really likes you guys?

Him.

And it’s not that Crissy finds him particularly attractive or anything because we really need to get him some new pants.

It’s just that Crissy thinks he’s brilliant and to be totally honest, that’s the first thing Crissy likes in a boy.

And Crissy laughs right out loud when somebody makes a really good rhyme or a turn of phrase because  she appreciates language and everything and she’s got the student loans to prove it even though she totally disregards the rules and stuff a lot of times because she writes a blog at 6:00 am every day way before she gives a rat’s ass about grammar and punctuation and crap. But really, Crissy cannot tell you Queefies how many times she has embarrassed herself in classes because a particular line or rhyme or whatever struck her as genius and she just busts out laughing and everyone turns around to look at who the big freak is.

Professors and teachers have called her to the carpet on more than one occasion to explain herself and her bizarre reactions.

Crissy does not know why she does this.

But she does.

And so this is why she loves Eminem.  He’s smart and he’s good and he makes Crissy laugh because he comes up with some brilliant stuff.

The problem is Queefies is that Crissy doesn’t know how he would feel if he found out that after dropping her kid off at preschool and flipping off some Escalade driving cunts, some old eternally pregnant librarian mommy is driving  to work listening to him.

(Let’s just take a second to picture Crissy rolling into work singing along with Eminem. See?  Totally incongruous.  Incongruous is a big word.)

Actually, he’d probably be pretty proud of Crissy for flipping off the cunts, but the rest of it?

Crissy is not sure he’d approve.

What if he knew that whilst Crissy was making a My Little Pony cake she was listening to his newest album and laughing at My Mom which goes through Crissy’s head all the damn time now and she can’t seem to shake it.

Crissy guesses it doesn’t really matter because he probably doesn’t read her blog anyway and so he’ll never know.

Or does he???

Nah.

OR DOES HE????

Eminem?

Do you read Crissy’s blog?

So you guys remember how Crissy tries to make cakes for people’s birthdays and they come out looking pretty nice but then when she cuts into them she needs a chain saw?

You do?

Well it happened again with the strawberry with cream cheese frosting cake she tried to bake for Girlfriend’s birthday. Crissy followed everyone’s suggestions for what may have gone wrong with both the boxed version and the made from scratch version of Mister’s Easter Birthday Lemon Buttercream Culinary Abortion and she even had Mister help her, thinking that maybe Crissy’s cake mojo really is all shaquaed and maybe his is better but nothing doing Queefs.

It came out of the oven looking great and Crissy thought her cake problems were over but then she turned around for a second and when she looked back at the cake it was flat.

Totally.

Flat.

And Crissy looked at the cake and she looked back at the picture in the magazine and it looked nothing like it except that they were both pink.

What

the

fuck?

Are any of you Queefs A Person Who Is Good At Cake?  Could it be that Crissy should bake the cake on the regular Bake setting and not do the Convection thingy?  Maybe the Convection thingy is too fast for cake?

Crissy has no idea but she refuses to give up on this.  In Crissyland it is totally unacceptable that she cannot put a list of crap together, mix it around, heat it up, and have something edible come out.

DO YOU HEAR CRISSY, CAKE?

YOU WILL NOT WIN.

You will be Crissy’s bitch one day.

Mark Crissy’s words or read her lips or her blog or whatever.

Sigh.

Anyshittystupidflatpinkcake,  it was too late to make a new one and Crissy had already spent eleventy hundred thousand dollars on the ingredients for the thing and so she set to frosting and decorating because sometimes it’s all in the presentation:

That’s right Queefs.  Those are iridescent sugar sparkles and candy stars and glitter icing.

And Crissy was rather pleased with the way it looked and she’s also excited that she doesn’t look pregnant in this picture and will just carry a cake around with her for the rest of her life because she saw the Taco Doctor yesterday and according to him Taco is never, never, never coming out and this makes Crissy suicidal:

But the little kids seemed to like the cake and Girlfriend was sweet not to mention that it was dense as a motherfucker. She was just excited that it was pink and purple and had My Little Pony on it.

Also, there’s a great shot of Auntie Cya’s left boob which is enough to make anyone forget their culinary foibles.

So other than the cake being a big disappointment, the whole party was really very nice and nobody in Crissy’s family pulled any real drama and so Crissy is very happy that Girlfriend had a wonderful birthday and a very nice Memorial Day weekend.

What did you Queefies do?

Crissy has as super busy weekend Queefies and so she won’t really be around until Tuesday and besides, her hands are numb and so she can’t really type out all the genius that is in her head right now.

It’s Girlfriend’s My Little Pony birthday party on Monday and we’ve got to secure the hookers and blow and don’t forget the keg and the box wine for the kids!

So happy Memorial Day peoples.

Crissy will be sure to have lots of pictures to show you.

Know what Crissy hates you guys?

With the possible exception of vacation from hell stories which can be enormously entertaining, Crissy hates hearing about and being forced to look at pictures of Other People’s Vacations.

And people at work are particularly guilty of doing this.

As if Crissy wants to see and hear about how much fun you were having while she was stuck at work doing her job and yours for two weeks.

Crissy would rather stab her eyes out with a melon spoon from that cruise ship buffet than look at pictures of some people lined up likes pigs at the trough at a table full of bacon and pineapples and shit.

Crissy does not want to hear about the weather.

She does not want to hear about the beaches.

She does not want to see the cheap piece of jewelry you paid way too much for or the coconut you brought back with you or hear about the sketchy shellfish incident that kept you in your room praying for the sweet angel of death for a day and a half. Or maybe she does because an exploding colon is a hell of a lot more interesting than that story about how you forgot your sunglasses at home on the counter and so you had to buy new ones on the trip.

And what really confuses Crissy is how other people can seem so fascinated.

Really?

Who cares?

Crissy doesn’t get it.

And so the next time Crissy asks you how your vacation was, don’t really tell her. Just say it was nice and you relaxed or finally got laid by some dirty foreign hooker or whatever but don’t whip out the pictures because Crissy does not give a fuzzy rat’s ass about seeing you in a bikini that reveals your pubic stubble or one that makes your ass look even bigger than it is.

If that’s even possible.

Okay?

And come to think of it, with few exceptions, Crissy doesn’t want to see any of Other People’s Pictures and it is not lost on Crissy that Mister has a Photo Blog but his pictures are artsy and nice and not retarded and boring. It is also not lost on Crissy that she is always showing you Queefs pictures of her life and her kid and her stuff but the difference is that Crissy does not corner you at work and make you look.

You come on your own accord and Crissy thinks that’s just swell.

And don’t even get Crissy started on pictures of your grandkids because if they’re ugly, Crissy will totally tell you.

What you can show Crissy pictures of are your new house, because Crissy is nosy like that and she wants to see how nice or not nice your stuff is compared to hers, or you can show her pictures of your dog because Crissy loves dogs, and sometimes you can show her your cat because they can be nice and cute sometimes too.

Other than that, don’t show Crissy pictures of anything else unless you’re totally fucking hot and then you can show her pictures of you, but just you.

Not pictures of you and your drunken sunburned friends holding up umbrella drinks.

Are we clear?

Hey.

No Taco. No matter how hard Crissy squeezed Taco Doctor’s nuts, he still wouldn’t pull the kid out of Crissy. And Crissy tried Queefs, she really did, but apparently this is not the first time he’s encountered a desperate pregnant woman because no word of a lie people, the man was wearing a sports cup.

BUT!

He told Crissy she can drink wine to help her relax and that, friends, was worth the visit and getting the smell of old doctor balls on Crissy’s hands.

So Crissy is going to stop thinking about Taco and constantly scanning her body for any slight twinge of a pang of a labor pain and just pretend she’s not going to be pregnant forever because she’s sick to death of thinking about it and she knows you’re all sick to death of reading about it and so Crissy promises NO MORE TACO TALK UNTIL THE KID IS ACTUALLY HERE.

She’ll tweet, she’ll post it here, and she’ll facebook it when it happens.

Maybe she’ll even live blog the birth.

IF it happens.

Ever.

You know Doosh is too big of a pussy to do that, right?

Of course she is.

Anystubbornfetus, here’s the picture Crissy promised:

The Crissy’s went over to their friends Rich and Michele’s house for dinner on Monday as they are in the habit of doing and Michele made the most wonderful Fish Tacos and one thing led to another and Girlfriend and her bff Alena wound up getting stinking drunk and Girlfriend came stumbling out of Alena’s room, mostly in her nakeds, with the entire contents of Alena’s underpanties drawer on her head.

We are fantastic parents.

Crissy is sorry Queefs.

She had a great picture to show you today but did Mister take it off his camera yet so she could use it?

Noooooooo.

And so she’s sort of screwed for a post which totally sucks because she’s not feeling very funny this morning and Girlfriend is talking to her incessantly and so she cannot process a single thought whether it be funny or not funny or coherent even.

She’s going to see the Taco Doctor again this morning and she already knows the office is double booked today and so she’s going to be there for a long, long time and she’ll have to miss a day of work so she can wait her turn because he’s GOING ON VACATION this week and if Crissy doesn’t have Taco tonight, she will have a stranger for a doctor to deliver him and this makes Crissy very upset and also Girlfriend’s birthday is less than a week away and Crissy doesn’t want to be in the hospital and she doesn’t want Taco and Girlfriend to have the same birthday and that Taco countdown thing is wrong and she has only 14 days left instead of 16 like it says and that pisses her off that it’s trying to cheat her and she’s just wandering around her house weeping and screaming on the inside and sometimes on the outside for Taco to come out rightfuckingnow.

So the plan is to grab the doctor by the nuts and tell him he’s delivering Taco today or he’s losing his testicles.

This seems like a solid plan to Crissy.

What could possibly go wrong?

 So the weirdest thing happened on Saturday night.

Mister was spending the night in Boston and so Crissy and Girlfriend had a little girl party consisting of watching Ella Enchanted and eating copious amounts of ice cream in mommy’s big bed and falling asleep around 8:30-ish.

And we didn’t bother brushing our teeth because we’re real bad ass like that.

It was rather glorious. Crissy knows you’re jealous and that’s okay.

And there Crissy was, fast asleep, when she heard music.

It was Civil War type marching music.

So she got out of her bed and looked and there was a group of about 10 children marching down the street playing Civil War era instruments at like 9:30 at night.

It was totally bizarre, and they marched all the way down the street and around the corner and you know what Queefs? They weren’t half bad but what the fucking fuck?

Were they practicing for Schmuckytown’s big Memorial Day Parade, perhaps?

And then Crissy could hear a man with a megaphone counting as the children got farther away.

Crissy would have thought it was a dream but the freaks in the idiot colony were all out in their driveways staring at the display as well and they were clearly as shocked as Crissy but the big difference is that Crissy wasn’t slack jawed and drooling on herself.

Okay, well maybe just a little bit, but she just woke up from a sugar coma.

Cut her a break.

It was weirder almost than the time Crissy saw a HOOKER walk right down her street! Crissy even took pictures because seriously?  Crissy’s street is HER territory and she doesn’t want any two dollar ho’s thinking they can just come up and start doing buisness where they don’t belong.

And how about looking outside and seeing two deer just toodling down the street like it ain’t no big thang?

See those two tiny brown things against the fence in between the two houses?  That’s them and they’re all  just like, “Sup? You got any grass, yo?” because of course they walked to Crissy’s house from the ghetto.

How about the time when Crissy saw the owner of that tenement house dragging a dead Christmas tree down the street in the middle of a snowstorm?

And then there was the time when one of the dickmo tenants went out to shovel in his underpants and combat boots:

Crissy swears that house is a haven for wayward retards and random varieties of asshole.

Remember how the Crissy’s almost didn’t buy their house because of that tenement?  Yeah.  Doubt means DON’T Queefs.

Doubt means don’t.

And what about when she saw the midget dressed as a biker, a kid in a motorized wheelchair, and a Rastafarian in tie dye playing a guitar and singing Dock of the Bay walk past her house together last summer, but that was when Crissy was drinking and taking The Pills and so she just thought it was the wine and Klonopins that made her see things but now she’s not so sure.

Crissy is beginning to think that her street is some sort of conduit to Crazytown, if not Crazytown itself, and Crissy is wicked sorry this post is a little uninspired this morning but she’s feeling really worn out today and so since she knows that crazy lives everywhere what she’s going to do is ask the Queefs

What was the most bizarre thing you’ve ever seen going down the street?

It will be interesting to see if the city Queefs or the not city Queefs come up with the most crazy.

Go!

And make it good, too.

The Queen wishes to be entertained today.

Crissy is not in labor so don’t anybody freak out because there’s nothing going on here today.

She’s just starting her weekend early.

Crissy is going to see the Taco Doctor this morning for her weekly violation.

Fingers crossed, Queefies.

dilate, dilate, dilate, dilate, dilate

If you didn’t watch yesterday’s video, you should go do that now.