On Friday afternoon Crissy and Girlfriend were in the car on the way to pick Alice up from the groomer’s when Crissy heard an ad on the radio for a local spa and amongst the services offered was something rather curious.

VAGINAL REJUVENATION.

And Crissy was all “WHAT?”

And Girlfriend was all “WHAT MAMA? What are you whating about?”

And then the ad ended and Crissy was certain she heard the whole thing wrong and that she must have inserted vagina into the sentence instead of like angina or foot or something because Crissy is very worried about her little twidget lately and what is to become of it in a couple of months and so naturally she’s a little preoccupied with it. So she facebooked it and some lovely lady wrote back and said Crissy heard it right.

And Crissy is wondering what they do exactly and if she needs to ask for a gift certificate to the spa.

Do they give it a martini, a candlelight bath, and a nice massage?

Crissy thinks her twidget would like that very much.

So Crissy googled it like the nice lady said she should and Crissy is here to tell you that there is such a thing as VAGINAL REJUVENATION.

Right?

And it’s totally nuts.

What they do is they take a fucking laser to it!

Close your mouth.

It’s for people who are too lazy to do Kegels and the eventual goal is to make the twidget prettier and tighter but in all the research Crissy did at work on the topic not one website described the actual procedure.

Apparently, it’s that scary.

And so Crissy is thinking they don’t tell you over the Internet because what really happens is they bring Shatner in:

Either that or this dude:

Eeeeekkkk!

Crissy’s twidge is very, very scared of Robocop and so she thinks she’s just going to go with the old fashioned Kegels and see how we do.

Oh Queefs!

Crissy knows you have been worried sick to death all weekend about the party and how it went and if the people of Foreign Ethnicity liked Crissy or not and if she was denied food and toilet because they did not like her outfit.

But Crissy actually found a super cute outfit to put on and not one single person laughed or pointed at her in Foreign Ethnicity Language and she is happy to report that the party was just lovely.

And they were really, very nice and Crissy was absolutely charming and affable as of course is very normal for her even when inside she is dying of shyness and they went out of their way to make Crissy feel at home and they sent a huge plate of food home for Mister because he couldn’t make it and do you know what the best part of the whole party was?

That Crissy didn’t get lost on the way there even a little bit despite her lack of Volvo/Batmobile navigation system/sense of direction?
The amazing food?
The hot single guys who were all over Crissy like Brown on rice because hello! She’s obviously fertile and that’s what all the single fellas like?
The lovely home Brianna lives in?

Nay, nay.

It was the total lack of Escalade Pajama Cunts.

Turns out Girlfriend was the only school friend that little Brianna invited to the party.

HA!

How do you like them cupcakes, Pajama Cunts?

Crissy and Girlfriend are totally down with the Brown Peoples now and YOU. ARE. NOT.

So suck it.

See? Crissy told you everything would be fine.

You Queefs worry way too much.

It’s not good to be so anxious all the time, you know.

Crissy is frought with anxiety today Queefs.

FROUGHT she tells you!

On Sunday she has to bring Girlfriend to her little friend Brianna’s birthday party and Crissy doesn’t know anybody. Not one single person. And Mister can’t come too because he has to work on the Taco’s room and so Crissy has no choice but to go alone.

Terrifying.

Plus Brianna’s house is in an unfamiliar part of Schmuckytown and that gives Crissy major anxiety and it wouldn’t be so bad if she had her new Volvo because it’s pretty much exactly like the Batmobile and everyone knows you don’t get lost in Schmuckytown in the Batmobile, but she doesn’t have it yet and so she must drive her old car with the broken clock which makes it pretty much undriveable and she’s sure to get lost.

And also, Brianna is of Foreign Ethnicity and that is not to be confused with Dirty Foreign People because Crissy has seen this Brianna child and she looks pretty clean and so that elevates her to Foreign Ethnicity status instead but Crissy is still worried that there will be many other people of Foreign Ethnicity and this frightens her because maybe they will not like Crissy and will perhaps make Crissy sit under the table to eat or even worse, NOT GIVE CRISSY ANY FOOD AT ALL!!!!

THE HORROR!!!

Or maybe they will shout at her and laugh at her outfit in Foreign Ethnicity Language and Crissy will not understand them!

It keeps Crissy awake at night a lot of times since last Wednesday.

And what if there are other preschool mothers there?

What if Girlfriend isn’t the only one from the school that was invited?

What if the Escalade Pajama Cunts are there???

You know how Crissy feels about talking to other moms right?

It’s not good you guys.

Not good at all.

And what will Girlfriend get Brianna as a gift?

A book?

Do Foreign Ethnicity peoples read books?

In ENGLISH???

Crissy does not know!!!

This is terrible.

Just terrible.

It’s the worst thing to happen to Crissy since the other day when her headband was giving her a headache but it matched her outfit and so she couldn’t take it off and just had to suffer all day and take Tylenols and drink coffee instead.

Oh dear.

Crissy needs vodka and Klonopin hugs, Queefs.

Please somebody come with Crissy to the party.

Puuuuuhhhhhlllllleeeeeeaaaassssseeee!!!

Do you know what Crissy wants now?

She wants this:

It’s fuckin’ mad sick, yo.

It’s Edward’s Volvo S60R and

huhuhuhuhhhuuuuu that vampire has fine taste in automobiles and Crissy wants. She does not care if Edward comes with it or not but on second thought maybe it would be nice because he would have to teach her how to drive it and let her touch his penis by accident on purpose whilst reaching for the “stick” because despite her best efforts last year, she still does not know how to drive one of those.

Do you Queefs remember that last year Crissy wanted a black BMW in the worst way, and if you clicked on the link you would know that, but then she saw this car instead and now she wants it instead of the BMW because who wouldn’t?

It’s way better.

And Crissy would do all sorts of Fancy Driving in it just like Edward. Stop sign? Meh. If Crissy speeds through a stop sign so fast you can’t see her it is not wrong.

It’s AWESOME.

And let’s just see how the Escalade Pajama Cunts do trying to park their big fat hogs in front of the school when Crissy gets her new Volvo. Crissy doesn’t think she’ll have any more trouble with those bitches because her new Volvo can do stuff that their giant truck things cannot like pop a wheelie and peel out and take that spot right from them before they even know what happened!

Put a quarter in your ass ’cause you played yourself, bitch.

That’s Crissy’s parking spot now.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Crissy’s old mom Saab can’t do that, you know. Crissy tried it and now Mister has to get her a new wheel or transmission or fly wheel or whatever but Crissy says to him not to bother because she’s getting Edward’s car instead.

In a two door please because fuck the dumb shit.

Crissy is made for speed and two extra doors will only slow her down.

Just as soon as Girlfriend and Taco are out of their car seats, Crissy is getting one.

It’s going to be so sweet you guys.

Morning Queefs.

There is something bothering Crissy so much that it had her up at 4am eating strawberry rhubarb pie just worrying herself to death.  She saw on the tee-vee about this terrible, terrible, hilarious affliction that strikes fives of peoples all over the world at any given time after serious brain trauma or surgery. It’s called Alien Hand SyndromeDr. Strangelove Syndrome, or Anarchic Hand and it’s something we should all be very, very concerned about.

Crissy might even start a foundation because when Crissy heard about it, it made Crissy laugh and laugh hahahahahahahahaha! just like that because apparently you can have this problem or syndrome or whatever where your right hand and your left hand do two different things, which seems like it would be annoying but not too too bad, only one of the hands has a mind of it’s own and is actually self-destructive.

So, for example, Alien Hand Victim Guy could be driving home from work with his right hand on the steering wheel while his left hand just comes up and punches him in the face.

Police Man: “Sir, you ran a red light back there.”
Alien Hand Victim Guy: “I’m sorry officer. I was punching myself in the face. I didn’t see it.”
Police Man: “You’re one sick fuck. Get the hell out of here and wait until you get home to punch yourself in the face from now on.”
Alien Hand Victim Guy: “Yes sir. Thank you sir. Have a good evening.”

And then Alien Hand Victim Guy’s left hand gives the Police Man the finger and he gets arrested for insubordination or flipping the bird at a pig or something.

Or let’s say Alien Hand Victim Guy’s right hand buttons his shirt, his left hand undoes the buttons and he has to go around with no shirt on all the time.

And the right hand can push a door closed and the left hand reaches out and flings it back open, hitting Alien Hand Victim Guy in the head.

Ouchie.

Can you imagine how that would totally suck, and yet be so funny at the same time?

Like, what if Alien Hand Victim Guy tried eating some delicious strawberry-rhubarb pie like Crissy is doing right now and his left hand just decides to up and smoosh the whole pie in his face just for the pleasure of watching the right hand clean it up?

And what happens when his right hand gets sick and tired of taking shit from his left hand and they like, throw down and thumb wrestle or something? Or how about if they get into a very heated Rock, Paper, Scissors match?

The left would probably win because it’s pretty bad ass.

And which hand is in charge of Alone Time with lezzie porn? Crissy thinks the left hand would be better because the right hand is just too much of a wuss to be any good at Alone Time.

Seriously. Think about it.

So Crissy is considering actually getting Alien Hand Syndrome just so she can cash in on the America’s Funniest Videos prize money because you know that shit is way funnier than a dude getting hit in the nuts with a whiffle ball, right?

And of course she will use the prize money to start her Alien Hand Syndrome Foundation because she’s magnanimous like that and she’s a giver (just as long as it’s with her right hand because you know the left hand would totally take the money and go for a manicure and then ring shopping at Tiffany’s).